I have a friend who is always late. Love him but it is so irritating so I decided I wanted to set some stronger boundaries around my time and energy. I took some advice I saw online to let late people arrive late, but you still leave at the time you had planned. Eventually they’ll get the point and realize they can’t just play with your time.
So my friend and I had a lunch at 1, friend texted at 12:50 that he’s rushing across town and “will be there probably 20 mins late.” I waited for them in the car until he got there at 1:35 and we sat down to eat.
A few minutes after getting my meal, I called over the waiter and asked for the check + a to go box. My friend started asking me what’s going on/why am I leaving early and I told him I have something after I have to go to, that’s why I told him 1 so I could make both events.
My friend: “Why didn’t you tell me that? I would have gotten here better on time if I knew you had something after this.”
He then said he had to rush through many different things to get here, rush through traffic, was sorry about being late, but it was wrong of me not to communicate I had something time-sensitive afterward either while scheduling our hangout or when he texted that he’d be late, so he could have had the option to go home.
Now I feel bad and wondering if I treated him poorly when I was just trying to be more strict with my time going forward.
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I have a friend who is always late. Love him but it is so irritating so I decided I wanted to set some stronger boundaries around my time and energy. I took some advice I saw online to let late people arrive late, but you still leave at the time you had planned. Eventually they’ll get the point and realize they can’t just play with your time.
So my friend and I had a lunch at 1, friend texted at 12:50 that he’s rushing across town and “will be there probably 20 mins late.” I waited for them in the car until he got there at 1:35 and we sat down to eat.
A few minutes after getting my meal, I called over the waiter and asked for the check + a to go box. My friend started asking me what’s going on/why am I leaving early and I told him I have something after I have to go to, that’s why I told him 1 so I could make both events.
My friend: “Why didn’t you tell me that? I would have gotten here better on time if I knew you had something after this.”
He then said he had to rush through many different things to get here, rush through traffic, was sorry about being late, but it was wrong of me not to communicate I had something time-sensitive afterward either while scheduling our hangout or when he texted that he’d be late, so he could have had the option to go home.
Now I feel bad and wondering if I treated him poorly when I was just trying to be more strict with my time going forward.
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> I cut our lunch short when my always late friend showed up late yet again lol. I could be the asshole because they may have been rude of me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Probably ESH? I think cancelling upon his texting he’ll be late gets the same idea across.
NTA. It makes no sense that the onus is on you to tell him not to be late BECAUSE you have a hard stop. You don’t owe him that information and, obviously, the fact that he admitted he could have been on time shows it is in his control. He told on himself. Don’t let him trick you into thinking you screwed up here. Hold your stance – explain (kindly) that your time is valuable and that you love your friendship but that being made to wait (every single time) is unfair to you and you aren’t going to let that impact your other plans or commitments moving forward. You could also point out that you found it insulting that he later said he COULD HAVE been on time if he’d known, which shows his lateness wasn’t entirely out of his control, it was simply that he didn’t care to respect your time.
NTA. You said your friend is ALWAYS late. He needs to realize that people have their own lives and don’t run on his time. You did the right thing.
>My friend: “Why didn’t you tell me that? I would have gotten here better on time if I knew you had something after this.”
NTA He just admitted that he could have made an effort and been on time. This is an insight into his mindset. The reason he is habitually late is that his default setting is that you have all the time in the world and nothing better to do unless you specifically tell him otherwise; meanwhile whatever he thinks to do to fill the time that makes him late (compulsively) just couldn’t be helped — unless he has a self-serving reason to be on time, then suddenly it can be helped.
NTA
Why are you questioning yourself, isn’t this the exact point you set out to prove? That your time is important and this friend shouldn’t just assume you can afford time to hang around waiting for them to grace you with their presence?
They literally admitted they could have been on time, but chose instead to make you wait again.
NTA, he’s just making excuses and trying to justify his disregard for your time. He should value it regardless, not just when it has consequences for him.
NTA. Your friend does not respect you or your time enough to show up on time. He assumed you would be free to accommodate his lateness – you weren’t. You were in no way obligated to tell him you had another thing planned, that should have been irrelevant for him to have the courtesy to show up on time.
NTA. Your friend just told you that he could be on time if he wanted to, he just didn’t care. You sitting around waiting for him doesn’t bother him. What you do with this info is up to you.
NTA It’s normal for lunch to be a relatively brief amount of time, you shouldn’t have to say be sure to arrive at 1 because I need to take off by 2. If he could have made more of an effort and be on time, then why didn’t he? Him assuming that he could be late and that then you’d stay later shows that he doesn’t think about you having a life outside of him. I wouldn’t assume it was in a mean way, it could just be the natural side effect of being lazy and selfish. But it doesn’t make you wrong or bad for sticking to your schedule. Even if your plans were to go to the grocery store and laundromat, or take a nap before late night plans, you’re entitled to stick to that and it’s disrespectful for him to expect you can just put those off because he didn’t bother to get there on time.
NTA. Meeting someone for lunch already implies that you will only be with them for a short period of time, maybe an hour. You shouldn’t have to emphasize you have limited time for a lunch meeting. Your friend admitted he could have been on time, but chose not to be. Either he will learn to treat your time better, or you will end up spending your time with other friends with better social skills.
NTA
Your friend just admitted that he would try harder to keep his behavior from making you late for something, but otherwise he has no problem wasting your time and making you just sit around waiting for him.
He is not very respectful of you.
Maybe YTA
I understand you, late things can ruin mood. But screwing up meeting over it?.nah. u could have also just given him last warning. Tho ik sometimes out anger gets the best of us. Was he friend or best friend. If best friend then you shouldn’t have, if just normal friend u can
I probably would have set the boundary ahead of time. Let them know you have a hard stop at xyz time and ask if they are sure x time works for lunch.
NTA. He just doesn’t like the taste of his own medicine 💊 Surely you had better things to do than wait in a parking lot for an hour and a half.
NTA. He basically said he could have been on time. Obviously it was not a priority for him and he doesn’t respect your time.
ESH
Your friend does need to learn to be on time, at least most of the time because at some point everyone is late for something.
You could have handled this better. You could have told him when he texted he would be late that it was fine but you have to leave at x time because you have an appointment you cannot miss.
Also, you could just have an honest conversation with your friend about how him being late all the time upsets you and you would appreciate it if he could be on time more often. Communication goes a long way to resolve these kinds of problems.
NTA, tell him that he thinks so little of your time that he didn’t text you until almost the meetup time that he’d be late and showed up 45 minutes later.
It’s not about being late to me, it’s that he doesn’t care about your time at all.
I’ll add in that his solution would have been to not bother coming, not just be on time.
First remember that he’s always late and he probably always has a mouthful of whatever he told you this time all those times too. And he could’ve told you all the stuff he had to do and y’all could make plans that fit everyone’s schedule. But he’s blaming you for not telling him. If this is all just a communications problem, then communicate better. If you communicate better and he’s still late well, you see what I mean.
NTA. I used to be this person! I had a really hard time making it places when I said I would.
I had friends tell me a movie started 15 minutes earlier than the actual time once, to ensure I wouldn’t be actually late. I arrived right on time and when they explained their attempt to accommodate me, I was SO embarrassed.
Sometimes people need to be uncomfortable in order to learn a lesson. I’m not perfect, but am much much better these days
ESH
Him for not valuing anyone’s time but his own.
You for not actually setting the boundary and telling him you would be leaving at x time irrespective of when he made it.
NTA. The guy admitted he could have tried harder to get there. He doesn’t respect your time.
NTA “I would have gotten here better on time if I knew you had something after this.” So it was possible for him to arrive earlier and actually respect your time. Hmm.
NTA. Don’t feel bad. You only feel bad because you’re a considerate person. Your friend, on the other hand, is not.
Info: did you communicate this planned end time to your friend before hand?
NTA- you don’t have to tell someone about your plans after what you scheduled with them.
You shouldn’t deal with this in such a passive-aggressive way. If I know someone who is consistently late, I just stop going out with them. When they ask why, I tell them how I don’t deal with people who are late. I think it’s rude. They’ll agree it’s rude, but not change their ways, so we’re better off not knowing each other.
YTA. Communicate, man. How hard would it have been to say something like, “hey, I hate that you don’t make a better effort to meet when we agree to meet. If something comes up, that’s fine, but I’m only setting aside time until 2pm for lunch today so if you’re not going to make it by 1pm, we should probably reschedule”? If your friend still insisted on meeting for lunch knowing you’d be leaving at 2, you would not have been an AH, but instead you set your friend up to fail. That’s shitty and makes you an asshole.
NTA. He just said he could have gotten there earlier if he had known. Which means he’s late on purpose to be controlling.
Next time tell him the time to meet. If he’s not there within a reasonable wait, either order or leave.
NTA It’s not unexpected that you would have plans later. You don’t have to tell him that, and he shouldn’t need to know that to respect your time.
NTA
But if it was me, the next time I’d go into the restaurant at the agreed upon time and, not wait for him to get there and not wait for him to order either. And start eating whenever the food comes to the table, even if he’s not there or just sitting down or whatever. When when he sends the ‘just leaving now’ text, can just reply back that have already sat down and he can join you when he arrives.
As someone who grew up with a father that could never be anywhere on time, who wouldn’t even start getting ready until the time we were supposed to be somewhere…fuck this shit. I hate it.
NTA. You communicated enough. You told him the start time. That’s all the social contract requires. He’s trying to deflect you from his bad behavior. All you can ever do is hold your boundaries, just keep doing that.
If you truly had another appointment, NTA. If you were just trying to make a point, YTA.
NTA He showed you that YOUR time is worth very little to him. You did well to show him that your time IS indeed valuable…to YOU. Bravo.
Tell him that from now on, when the two of you make a plan to get together at a certain time, if he chooses to arrive late, you will still continue to do whatever events you had planned.
Tell him that you don’t have any obligation to give him an itinerary of your day so that he can decide whether or not he needs to be on time.
Tell him that this is going to be the way that things are from now on. If the two of you plan to meet for lunch at 1 PM, you are going to be seated and order. And whenever they come, they can order, but you are not going to sit around and make up for the time that they were late.
NTA
NTA but I feel the need for games is unnecessary. If he’s truly your friend you should be able to have uncomfortable conversations. Let him know that your time is important and he should be respectful of that. If he cares he’ll do better. If he’s truly doesn’t then find friends who align with your values.