We have been together for nearly a year now. I feel like I always have been putting way more effort into the relationship than he has.
For example, I’ll do sweet things for him to make him feel special, and I do so unprompted. It’s not that hard.
We live near an hour away from each other, both have careers, and pets. So, we generally only see each other on saturday evenings, and part ways early Sunday afternoons. I have expressed that this isn’t enough for me. It feels like a situationship rather than a relationship.
Not only that, when I’m with him, it’s like I don’t even exist. He will lay down on my couch to a point where there’s nowhere for me to sit. If I try to sit down, he’ll barely move his legs out of the way but not enough for me to actually get comfortable. It’s gotten so bad that I’ll actually sit on the dog bed beneath the couch.
I cook food for us, get us takeout, I’ll plan dates and I’ll often oh for them. But he’s so cheap that he refuses to do anything.
Not only that, he seems completely disinterested in me. He is only interested in his friends and his hobbies. It has gotten to a point where we barely talk during the weekdays. We’ll say good morning and goodnight, but throughout the day, it’s just several dry sentences. He never asks me questions about myself nor gets to know me.
He also never ever calls me. He used to be really sweet in the beginning, but clearly that wasn’t who he actually was.
I tried talking to him about it but he gets really defensive, shuts down, and just stops talking to me for days on end. I don’t feel safe to bring up anything to him. He tells me that that’s just the way he is. He wa single for nearly a decade before me. His last girlfriend was 14 years younger than him and that only lasted two months because she was “too young” for him.
I try and ask about his past, his interests, who he is, and I always just get the same answer: “there’s not much to me”.
I’m at a point where I am bored out of my mind of just the thought of seeing him. I don’t want to waste my weekends sitting on the couch. Especially now that it’s nice out. I even try to get him to come out to my parent’s lake house to go on the boat, but all he says is “we’ll see”.
He’s even self centered when it comes to sex. He doesn’t last beyond one minute and I always am left unsatisfied. Which, given that we only have a Saturday evening and Sunday to each other, I’m already not getting laid near enough as I should be.
I just feel like he’s a completely selfish and self centered, low effort dry guy and doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. I almost feel like a little accessory to his life, a girlfriend of convenience.
I already talked to him about this. We’ve even broken up over it. He’s called me a codependent that needs someone who fallows me around like a puppy for asking for more time and effort. I don’t even think this guy deserves a girlfriend, nor to get laid. Ever.
I have now resorted to matching his energy. And now that I have, the relationship is completely lackluster. I realized it has only been somewhat good, when I make it good. He makes zero contributions.
TL;DR – my boyfriend doesn’t put any effort toward the relationship and I don’t know how to approach it anymore.
Comments
oh come on. have some self respect and break up. he’s an asshole and you clearly don’t like or respect each other at all, why are you even together
Girl, what are you DOING? wasting your time, that’s what. Just dump him already.
Why are you still with him? He’s not meeting any of your needs and has explicitly told you he isn’t going to. Hopefully writing this out gave you confirmation of what you need to do.
For a relationship to work and be healthy in the long term, it must be balanced.
Balance means that both people in the relationship are contributing to it equitably, so that each of them is getting enough out of the relationship to make what s/he is putting into it (in terms of time, effort, and energy) worthwhile.
This:
> I feel like I always have been putting way more effort into the relationship than he has.
…is a clear sign of an unbalanced relationship.
When a relationship is unbalanced, such that one person feels as if s/he isn’t getting enough out of it to make what s/he is putting into it worthwhile, that person ends up feeling…
…well, like you do.
There are only two basic ways to bring an unbalanced relationship back into balance:
The person who is not contributing to the relationship as much needs to step up and start contributing more, or
The one who is not getting enough out of it needs to reduce the amount of time, effort, and energy s/he is putting into it so that it’s at the same level as what s/he is getting out of it.
Since this:
> I already talked to him about this.
…already happened, and all you got from him was accusations, you can be absolutely certain that he’s not going to step up, which means that Option 1 is out.
Which means that the only recourse left to you is Option 2: reduce what you are putting into the relationship.
Keep in mind that “breaking up” is just the absolute case of Option 2: you are no longer putting anything into the relationship, and no longer getting anything out of it.
So.
All of that said…
Why are you bothering to stay with this guy? In what way is being with someone like this making your life better? In what way is being with him helping you to build the future that you want to live in?
>I just feel like he’s a completely selfish and self centered, low effort dry guy and doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. I almost feel like a little accessory to his life, a girlfriend of convenience.
Okay then… you know what to do, right?
Edit: like you know dating this guy is optional, right?
Apart from him being a lousy partner,there’s some very obvious red flags. You said he’s been single for a decade, and if he’s 35 now, and his ex was 14 years younger than him, that means he was 25 and she was 11 when they were together? The math just ain’t mathin here. The fact that he doesn’t like to talk about himself is a red flag too. The whole situation seems fishy to me.
You’ve gotta be anxious attachment, right? And a people pleaser? That’s the only way you’d stay in this hell.
You do so much for him and he doesn’t appreciate you. He doesn’t deserve you. Don’t waste another second with this childish selfish excuse for a man.
Please dump him. You’re not codependent for wanting someone to show care and effort. For our second date, my now-bf was supposed to drive about an hour up to me (we live similarly far away from one another to you and this dude you’re about to break up with). He called me the night before to let me know that his car got impounded because his insurance had lapsed, and was a. very apologetic and embarrassed, b. extremely determined to get to me anyway. I offered to drive down to him, and he was adamant that he would take the literal greyhound bus instead. I honestly think that when he got on that bus is when I knew I was going to be all in. Nobody I had ever dated had EVER been interested in expending that kind of effort, and it made me feel special and cared for in the way that I have always wanted. and guess what?! We both still put that level of effort in! And it’s fucking amazing! Highly recommend!
My constant refrain on this sub is dating is to figure out if you two are compatible. It is NOT for trying to make it work at all costs. You tried to make it work and it isn’t work. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend who barely likes you. And of course he’s not dating a woman his own age – an older person would not put up with his suckiness.
Do yourself a kindness and just break up with this guy. There are no magic words to get him to be good to you. And you definitely won’t find a nice person while you’re spending time with this dead weight. Take this as a lesson that when a person starts taking you for granted and doesn’t try to meet you halfway, it’s time to part ways.
Honestly, the fact that you’re still trying to figure out how to make this work instead of dumping him like six months ago feels like maybe you could benefit from a low self esteem workbook or something.
I’d make sure I get anything I left at his place/quietly leave anything he left at my place back at his, then dump him via text and move on. If I’m being really honest, I’d actually just stop initiating contact and if he even texted me again, I’d respond “oh hey, I’ve been thinking lately and I realized this relationship is pretty terrible, so I’m moving on. Hopefully we can both find what we’re looking for now, good luck out there!”
you deserve an attentive partner.
Didn’t even need to read all of it. Dump him. Don’t waste the best years and last years of your youth on that loser.
So why did you like him to begin with? He brings absolutely nothing and you guys don’t even know each other.
Not sure why you’re dragging this out. Just break up already. Damn. I broke up with him in the second paragraph. Stop wasting your time.
If that’s the way it’s been for a while why are you still around? Since he’s already been very dismissive to you just dismiss your butt right out the door.
You had me until “I sit in the dog bed”. 3/10 must try harder.
Miss. You let a MAN put you on the floor in a DOG BED in YOUR house. Say that back. Pretend your sister/mom/best friend texted you that. Do what you would want that person to do, love yourself the way you love others.
So why are you with this guy?
Repeat after me, as many times as you need to until it sinks in:
He is not going to change.
He’s got you laying on a dog bed under the couch and you’re still talking to this asshole? BABY NO.
At a minimum he’s avoidantly attached and he sounds like an NPC. You can and will do better. Ghost his ass, you’ve talked enough and he’s had enough chances. You’re the queen and you’re the prize, being forced to lay on a dog bed on the floor (not even because you’re snuggling doggo for a minute!) by some crusty dusty musty man is beneath you.
Never reward this behavior with sex. You’re right to point out that he doesn’t deserve it. That’s your body ffs, your temple, how utterly humiliating.