So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over half a year now and I’m 21 and she is 24 and I have my license but she doest and I already spend 90 bucks a week on gas and she always wants me to see her and I’m always driving her everywhere. I’d just think this would make things easier if she gets her license but whenever I ask her about it she seems to get really offended and angry and upset
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So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over half a year now and I’m 21 and she is 24 and I have my license but she doest and I already spend 90 bucks a week on gas and she always wants me to see her and I’m always driving her everywhere. I’d just think this would make things easier if she gets her license but whenever I ask her about it she seems to get really offended and angry and upset
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> 1) telling my girlfriend she should get a license 2) because for some reason every time I ask her about it, she seems to get offended or upset
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Honey your so young. Break up with her and find someone who wants to make an effort for you, it can’t just be one sided.
NAH. You mean, you want her to get a licence and a car so you don’t have to do all the driving. You can decide not to drive, but can’t make her take the test or buy a vehicle.
Btw: punctuation is a good thing.
What exactly do you mean by she seems to get offended and upset? What does she actually say about it? Will she elaborate or explain why the idea bothers her? Is she afraid of driving, or does she just have a traditional view of men being the driver? It would help to know why exactly she doesn’t like the suggestion. But you’re NTA for not wanting to be the only one doing all the traveling to see her and driving her around always
Info: if your gf isn’t willing to drive, is she open to any compromise at all, like taking public transportation/getting uber or paying for gas money?
NTA if you’re the only one traveling to see her. She needs to make an equal effort, whether is public transportation or a taxi/Uber. And if she’s asking you to drive her everywhere, she needs to contribute for gas.
Anyone unwilling to do those things is not worth staying in a relationship with because they aren’t respecting your time and money.
What’s the reason for not getting one?
NAH. But your solution is wrong. Set a limit on how much you will drive. Let her figure out how to contribute to half the traveling, wherher that’s Uber, public transportation, getting a car and license, chipping in more for gas, or whatever.
You get to set your own boundaries. But you don’t get to mandate the exact way she meets you halfway on this.
“I am not willing to do all the driving to make our relationship work. I need you to figure out how to come to me or out date locations sometimes. What are you willing to do to make thay hapoen?”
YTA you can like it all you want but it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to
NAH she doesn’t have to get her license and you don’t have to date her
INFO:
whenever I ask her about it she seems to get really offended and angry and upset
OK, but what does she actually SAY? What reasons does she have for not getting her license? Are they valid reasons (e.g. vision problems, medical issues) or not? Or won’t she tell you?
“Seems to get really offended and angry and upset” aren’t reasons. They’re just tactics for shutting down a conversation and making you feel like the bad guy for raising it.
So if you the two of you can’t discuss this calmly without her getting “offended and angry and upset”, you have far bigger problems in our relationship than merely the fact that she can’t drive. What are you going to do in future when you have far more serious matters to discuss? Is this going to be her reaction every time she doesn’t want to discuss something important?
Crazy idea here, but why not try having a conversation. “Honey, I think it would be really helpful for us if you had a drivers license. Is there a reason why you don’t want to get one? How can I help?” If you’re going to have a relationship, set the precedent now for talking through your conflicts (from a place of love and support). You’re both on the same side, or need to be.
90 a week?!
Why won’t she get her license? Is it weaponized incompetence? Laziness? Fear? A disability preventing her from doing it? There’s info missing here.
NA(shown)H
You are not an asshole for expressing feelings but you would if you tried forcing things. Not everyone NEEDS to drive but you two do need to figure out what works for you. $90/week on gas alone is a lot especially if she’s not contributing to it and is demanding that you drive to her (I’m guessing far away) and around. With technology now I’m sure that you can get a lot of things delivered and you two can also video call each other as much as you are willing (I know someone that is facetiming her SO unless she’s in a meeting/private things so 90% of the time she’s on the phone).
Unless she’s willing to tell you WHY she can’t/won’t drive she shouldn’t be demanding you to be driving so much. About the only time that I ask for rides is doctor/vet apts and maybe grocery runs (but that can be avoided as long as I don’t get too much).
NTA. Have you raised the possibility of sharing the cost of gas.? Or split another way—if you supply the car and driver, she can supply the fuel.
NTA – but her getting a driver’s license won’t magically make a car for her appear, you know? Maybe she can’t afford to drive, maybe she doesn’t want to. Have you asked?
Is there a reason why she doesn’t have her DL? Sounds like you’re more of her chauffeur than her partner…
INFO: is there a reason why she’s unable to drive? What was her response when you suggested she contribute to the cost of gas and/or utilize things like public transportation or a rideshare?
Others have already touched on the possibility that maybe there’s a valid reason (medical or otherwise) why she can’t drive. As someone who didn’t get a license until later in life, I thought it might be worth mentioning that being able to pass the test and being in a financial situation to buy/maintain a vehicle aren’t necessarily the same thing.
NTA she is. She’s using you. She’s lazy.
Driving isnt as cheap as it used to be not many people dont have money to finace a car or have money for the insurance not to mention gas money or maintence . Imagine if you’re complaining about $90. LOL ,, Alot of women would say thats what i have a man for .. Your right and sometimes in a relationship there are pros and cons . You need to weight out if the relationship is worth it or not good luck ..
Bro you’ve only been together half a year and you’re already her personal driver while she’s refusing to get a license, is this the life that you want?
Does she have an issue getting one? For me, I straight up couldn’t afford driving lesssons, and had no one willing and able to teach me consistently, and didn’t have a reliable car I could use for practice or testing.
NTA. This is very one sided. If she doesn’t want to learn to drive, that’s ok, however, in an equal partnership she still needs to figure out how to visit you without relying on you. I say this as a person who doesn’t have a licence.
NTA but I don’t think her having a license would change anything.
You say she always wants you to come see her. Is this exclusively because she is incapable of independence and going to you/meeting in the middle, or because she doesn’t want to go to you?
Even if she can’t afford her own car, her having a license would be a huge help for you. You guys could take turns driving places.
Why isn’t she helping pitch in gas? It’s only fair since you drive her every time you’re together.
You are NTA for asking her to get a license. She is an AH for getting upset when you ask instead of articulating an actual reason.
I know this is a stereotypical Reddit answer but this would genuinely be a deal breaker for me. I’ve dated girls in the past who flat out refused to drive and it never worked out for me. I need a partner not a toddler who I need to constantly be transporting.
That’s just me, though.
As a girlfriend who drives to see her boyfriend it does get expensive sometimes especially if you take them places. If she doesnt atleast offer to put in for gas or pay for meals to compensate sometimes then i think maybe she doesnt really care about your financial situation as much as you would want a receptive partner to be.
It suits her just the way it is – being chauffeured door-to-door and not contributing a penny.. luxury.
Her getting offended / angry / upset.. that’s her power move to maintain the status-quo juuuust how she likes it.
I’ll let you decide who TA is here.
WHY doesn’t she have her license? We were lined up at the DMV on our 16th birthdays to get our licenses, so what are all the young people doing waiting?! Who ARE these 20 year olds who don’t hear the call of the open road or a need for speed?
NTA for not wanting to do ALL the driving. But if she has overwhelming anxiety or it’s financially unavailable for her to have a car, you’re being a unkind to someone you care about.
NTA, time to put your foot down. You’re being used
NTA, I’m in a similar situation as the 24 year old gf with no license, no car, having a 21 year old bf with both. In my situation, I am almost completely independent using public transit (in a relatively small city mind you) save for larger endeavors where I do ask for help from friends, roommates, or yes, my boyfriend. Our lifestyles overlap with both of us being pro-PT and he avoids driving whenever possible.
My question is, does she make any effort to ride the bus or even take an uber to see you? This imbalance is clearly taking a toll on you and if she’s not at least offering gas money or making her own effort, it might be better to move on to other people instead of pressuring her to take on a massive financial burden that will alter the rest of her life, credit score, etc. As well as, you should keep in mind that not all of us have had the blessing of parents that could provide us with a vehicle and the training to operate one, and if you are not put in that position as a teen, it’s extremely difficult (can even feel impossible) to remedy as an adult.
Even if she gets offended, she should at least be making some effort or contributing in some way. This is clearly imbalanced. However I think pressuring her to adhere to your lifestyle is an overreach and certainly seems to be causing problems. Have you tried explaining the financial burden and asking her to contribute in another way that makes it more fair for you both?
NTA. She’s taking advantage of you.
If she won’t get her license, from now on she pays for uber half the time, and you can drive the other half. If she throws a fit about this or stops trying to spend time with you, that should tell you everything you need to know about her.
I don’t have a car, my partner does— I often bus and Uber and partner only drives me at THEIR offer… I don’t ask (very very rarely if anything) !!
Have you asked her why she’s upset when that happens? I know lots of people have severe anxiety around driving so maybe it’s that, maybe not, but worth asking her to get to the bottom of it.
Also is she unable or unwilling to get a license? Regardless she’s definitely the asshole for flipping out on you instead of calmly explaining her reasonings for not having a license and expecting you to do all the driving aka facilitating your entire relationship.
Tell her to Uber.
NTA. Simple solution. Stop driving her everywhere. She’ll either get a license and car, or find another dude to be her chauffeur. Either way, you win.
Nta I’m around the same age without my license and my boyfriend drives essentially everywhere I do have public transit that I love but I want to get my license in case of emergency if he can’t drive, I’ll can. I’m not gonna get a car, but it’s good to have it because my mom says even if I don’t drive and I still have my license that means no accidents and that’s good for insurance. So that way when she is able to get a car, even if it’s five years down the line she won’t be considered a brand new driver insurance will be easier for her. I don’t like driving, but I know I have to. Or at least have my license as the basics
NTA. Clarification: why wont she get a driver’s license? Is it personal preference? Either way you need to set some serious boundaries because why are you basically her limo driver?
Why doesn’t she have a license?
If she had a license would she have access to a car?
If she had a license and a car would she drive to you or still expect you to only drive?
Why doesn’t she use public transit or Lyft/uber/etc?
Have you stated boundaries for how much you’re willing to drive her around?
Driving everywhere for someone who refuses to even consider getting a license would wear down anyone.
Have you offered to let her use your car for practice & taking the test? I didnt have my license until I was 22 because I simply didnt have access to a car until my best friend helped me out with hers.
NTA. You were only trying to be practical. The two of you are still young. Unless you already have a good-paying job at that age, you especially shouldn’t be spending so much on gas. Moreover, you’re not her personal driver. You’re doing her a favor because you love her, but she shouldn’t demand it from you, especially if it’s getting beyond your means.
NTA but that won’t solve the problem. She would still need to get a car, insurance, etc. Seems to me she doesn’t want to drive. Better solution would be figuring out other ways for you to get together like taking public transit. Also, either your car gets horrible mileage or you’re driving to her place a lot.
NTA
Is there a medical reason for her not to have a DL?
Like possibly seizures or narcolepsy?
If she’s just being lazy about this, this could mean a lifetime worth of headaches if you stay with her.
My #1 rule in life after spending years driving ungrateful people, and boyfriends around, I will never ever date or be with someone that does not have a license AND car.
Have you asked her why she does not want to drive? Maybe she’s afraid…it can be hard to admit that.
She probably cant pass the driving test or might have a condition so thats probably why she got triggered but do make your voice heard you shouldn’t be the only one driving
NAH.
I was the girlfriend in this situation before (not this guys girlfriend LOL)
We were both 18. Every other one of our classmates got their licenses as soon as they turned 16, including my bf. But i had terrible anxiety when driving from bad past experiences. My legs would start to shake and if i made one tiny mistake i would start to freeze up and have to pull over and let the other person drive. Often times, this person was my boyfriend.
Bless him. He drove me to and from work when i got my first job at 18. He was working himself but he still made sure to pick me up when i needed. Sometimes i would just walk home from work, but most of the time he was there to drive me.
We carpooled to school all the time when we were 16 and 17. He was my primary source of transport until i got put on the bus finally.
He sometimes pressed the issue, and urged me to get my license, but my anxiety was a hurdle i just couldnt get over. I booked my first driving test at 18, and failed. I was really upset that i got over ten points taken off. He was also upset because i essentially just wasted money.
The next time i tried to get my license, i was a wreck. I was so nervous the entire time but i tried to hide it. My instructor that time was actually talkative and we made small talk almost the whole 20 minute drive. That time i got like 6 points off but i still passed.
And now i drive at every opportunity i can lol. Getting to drive yourself places and not feel like a burden to others is so freeing and opens up a world of opportunity.
Tl;dr NAH your girlfriend is doing herself a huge disservice. I was the same way but powered through my anxiety and eventually surmounted the obstacles and passed my test. I believe in her! (If it truly is anxiety and she isnt just putting it off for no reason)
Ass, grass, or gas if you want a ride.
She’s a dud. Imagine having children with this woman and her not being able to drop them off at the many appointments.
Think very hard whether she is worth it
That’s more than 1 fill up a week, if you have a 16 gallon tank. That’s over 500 miles. Where the hell are ya’ll going lol
This is a serious conversation. It’s been suggested she has a medical or other condition that prevents her from driving, but depending on where you are she could have had legal issues that resulted in her losing her license. And that’s something she wouldn’t necessarily want to admit to, because the reasons for that are all bad.
Maybe she was in too many accidents or she got caught driving under the influence too many times and she lost her license. Or, where I live, if you get caught drinking underage, anywhere, not even having to do with driving, you lose your license automatically. If you get caught driving underage without a license, they will prevent you from getting a license when you’re old enough (also where I live we had a rash of kids stealing cars, so underage driving can be way more serious than it sounds).
NTA and you definitely need to find out why she reacts the way she does when you bring it up. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe she’s just embarrassed or something. But maybe it’s something you really need to know.
I think it’s unreasonable to demand that she get a license, but it’s also unreasonable to expect someone to drive you everywhere. If she’s not going to get a license then she needs to learn to take the bus, ride a bike, pay for a taxi, or give you some $$$ for gas and time spent driving.
NTA. She’s not an AH for not getting a license but she absolutely is for depending on you to drive her everywhere.
Run.
Cut yer losses, she’s clearly a loser.
You’ll be one for putting up with that slack assed behaviour.
NAH. but why is she against getting it? have you asked? is it anxiety? fear? financial reasons? she’s not required to get a license just bc you want her to, but she should start contributing to transportation. either by getting public transportation or at the very least paying for your gas.
NTA. It’s not unreasonable to not want to be the only one constantly driving. Have you asked her why she doesn’t have her license?
However there are more compromises here that can be made besides her getting her license if she doesn’t feel comfortable driving. She could get an uber, take the bus, or send you money for gas half the time.
NTA, but what kind of vehicle do you drive that it costs $90 a week to fuel it? Yikes. I feel bad for you.
I would sit her down while you’re both calm and talk it through. Does she never intend on getting a license? If so, how does she plan to get around long term? Uber/taxi? Public transport? Begging rides from friends/family?
What did she do 6 months ago before you started dating?
And then you need to decide what to do with her answer.