My husband passed away unexpectedly in early 2024 from a heart attack. I received a life insurance payout and have been managing it carefully. Recently, I used a portion (around $60K) to pay off my daughter’s student loans. Now my son is upset, saying I’m playing favorites because I did not give him the same amount of money as his sister.
Back in 2005, my daughter was 18, very bright, but dealing with depression and unsure what to do after school. I pressured her hard to go to university because I thought it was the best path for her. She wasn’t ready but went anyway to please her father and I. She ended up doing history because it was the most tolerable thing to her and she just wanted to get a degree to get us off her back. That degree didn’t lead anywhere – she worked low-paying jobs for years and accumulated significant debt as her loan value increased due to indexation (similar to interest).
At 30, frustrated with her employment prospects, she went back to university and got a law degree (in our country, law can be done as an undergrad). She now has a good job in that field, but her debt was basically double because of the degree she only did because I pressured her. I’ve always felt some guilt over that, and now that I’m in a position to help, I chose to pay off her loans. (EDIT because I forgot to mention this: she was in the first few years of her law job paying back more than the minimum than she has to in an attempt to pay them down faster, so was trying to help herself)
Her younger brother never went to university. He’s not academic, has never been very smart, always hated school and dropped out at 15, and I never pushed him the way I did her. He’s been working as a postal delivery worker for years and has no student. When he found out I paid off her loans because I accidentally sent him a text message meant for her, he demanded the same amount in cash.
I told him that I’ve done this specifically because it’s an educational expense. Giving him cash will feel to my daughter like a punishment all over again – her brother gets fun money, and all she gets is the degree I pressured her to do paid off. And honestly, I don’t think a lump sum would be good for him – he doesn’t manage money well and tends to spend impulsively.
AITA for saying no, given that I did this to correct what I feel was a mistake (pushing my daughter into University before she was ready).
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My husband passed away unexpectedly in early 2024 from a heart attack. I received a life insurance payout and have been managing it carefully. Recently, I used a portion (around $60K) to pay off my daughter’s student loans. Now my son is upset, saying I’m playing favorites because I did not give him the same amount of money as his sister.
Back in 2005, my daughter was 18, very bright, but dealing with depression and unsure what to do after school. I pressured her hard to go to university because I thought it was the best path for her. She wasn’t ready but went anyway to please her father and I. She ended up doing history because it was the most tolerable thing to her and she just wanted to get a degree to get us off her back. That degree didn’t lead anywhere – she worked low-paying jobs for years and accumulated significant debt as her loan value increased due to indexation (similar to interest).
At 30, frustrated with her employment prospects, she went back to university and got a law degree (in our country, law can be done as an undergrad). She now has a good job in that field, but her debt was basically double because of the degree she only did because I pressured her. I’ve always felt some guilt over that, and now that I’m in a position to help, I chose to pay off her loans.
Her younger brother never went to university. He’s not academic, has never been very smart, always hated school and dropped out at 15, and I never pushed him the way I did her. He’s been working as a postal delivery worker for years and has no student. When he found out I paid off her loans because I accidentally sent him a text message meant for her, he demanded the same amount in cash.
I told him that I’ve done this specifically because it’s an educational expense. Giving him cash will feel to my daughter like a punishment all over again – her brother gets fun money, and all she gets is the degree I pressured her to do paid off. And honestly, I don’t think a lump sum would be good for him – he doesn’t manage money well and tends to spend impulsively.
AITA for saying no, given that I did this to correct what I feel was a mistake (pushing my daughter into University before she was ready).
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> I’m giving money to one of my children and not the other essentially to heal my guilty feelings.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Paying for school is not the same thing as giving a bunch of cash.
NTA.
If he wants what his sister got, he can do a degree his heart is not really into to please you, stress out over the debt from it for a few years, and then get it paid off. But something tells me he doesn’t really want that, he just saw his chance to demand some cash from the life insurance…..
NAH. However, your son has a point, and he will feel slighted unless you treat him as equally as possible given that his situation is different. Maybe you could tell him that if he ever buys a house or starts a business, you will help him out at that time. Just so that he knows that his sister isn’t the only one you will provide extra support for.
if your son has a car, pay off the car loan. like the student loan, you’d be paying for a debt that the kid already has.
Assuming that you’d pay for your son to get a degree if he wanted one, NTA.
NAH but I can see his point a tiny bit (he still shouldn’t feel entitled to your money). If you want to somewhat even the financial score*, does he have a long term goal that some financial assistance would help with? Dreams to start a business? Buy a house? Maybe you could offer a similar “gift” that, long term would enhance his stability? Because you paid for your daughter’s education to enhance her stability in the long term, right? Your non-college son’s goal is the same for himself.
*I do not mean you should feel obliged or pressured
I meant to add, I’m the widowed mother of two young adults and that’s what I tried to and still do. Overall one got an Ivy education and a wedding and the other gets a wad of cash every now and then that I think he invests but neither feels slighted.
NTA. It was kind of after the fact, but just tell him you are happy to pay for college (or maybe training for a trade) for him as well. I paid for my kid’s college to help them and as an incentive to go. No way would I have just handed over cash.
Tell him you’re happy to set aside the same amount for educational expenses for him. He can choose to use it, or not.
ETA: NTA
YTA. Your son deserves some sort of financial remunerations just like your daughter. Your guilt does not absolve you from playing favorites.
NTA, tell him you will happily pay for college if he is interested.
NTA. They’re in the same place – both debt free. They’re equals.
ESH theres clear favoritism what with “he’s not very smart” and “I never pushed him has hard”. He shouldn’t be demanding money, but I understand the frustration with the preferential treatment. The bottom line is you’re clearly investing emotionally and financially to one and not really anything to the other from the sounds of it.
You are very much not the AH. In fact, I think you are doing him a favor by not giving him any money whatsoever. Especially a lump sum. At this point in his life, he should be giving you gifts and whatnot, taking you out to dinner on occasion. Your daughter sounds smart, ask her who she thinks will be taking care of you in your “golden years.” If he gets pissy, tell him you’ll remember him in your will. (If he’s lucky.)
Tell him you’ll set aside the same amount for him for education. Whether that’s a degree or trades or whatever. That way it’s fair and up to him to decide if he wants to use it.
If he doesn’t use it, but has kids maybe it can go to them.
YTA
I don’t feel you owe him anything. I understand why you paid off your daughter’s loan. Don’t let him guilt trip you.
One question, did you pay off the loan for the law degree?
If so that’s another story.
NTA – provided you also gave him something of significance (not like he got 2 grand and she got 60)
When my father passed away, my mother gave all the kids different amounts. We all got the same base amount that my father had willed to us, I got a little extra for some debt I had accumulated while working for the family business at a discounted rate to help.
Life is not equal and fair.
You are playing favorites.
She could have done law in the first place, right? Why her poor choice is your sons problem?
And dont give your son fun mobey either it can be downpayment later in life when he is more responsible…
give your son something
Super easy. NTA
NTA but I do think you could pay off some debt of his, such as a car loan or give a down payment on a house. I don’t mean it has to be the same amount, but I think it would be nice to give him something.
NTA. I agree with the way you see it: you feel like you owe a debt to your daughter, and you now you’ve paid it back.
Try asking your son if he would be okay with loaning you $1,000, but when you pay him back, you give the same amount to your daughter.
YTA for favouring your daughter.
It’s your money. She worked hard, partly to please you, and got in a bunch of debt because of the pressure. You’ve now corrected that.
He couldn’t even be bothered to graduate high school, which is a terrible choice that will haunt him forever. I don’t see how he deserves a hand out for any reason.
I’d tell him if he goes back, graduates and then earns a degree, you’ll help him then. Otherwise no.
NTA – because I presume, the same offer of education would have been made to him. That also includes training for a professional trade, which he was welcome to opt out of.
If you are not directly giving your daughter a hand out, nor are you paying for the degree she is actually utilizing. You are compensating her for a mistake of parenting you made in pushing her when she was not prepared. Now, alternatively, I do think that you should not be shocked by the entitlement of your son if you have objectively not treated them the same in terms of expectations.
And I know that each individual child requires individual raising, but it sounds like you pushed oneto strain and nearly neglected the other when it comes to defining in setting expectations of success.
I do think it could be valuable to make him an offer where in if he is interested in pursuing/transitioning to a trade that requires paid education programs/apprenticeships, you would support him in that?
YTA but I say that just to say what are you going to do for your son? Maybe not everything needs to be exactly equal but he obviously deserves some of the money. My parents paid for mine and my brothers education but we had very different expenses mine was full tuition so they paid 3/5 years, my brother went to a more $ school but they had a work program so in the end cheaper so they paid all 4 years. I don’t think its really the amount its the recognition.
YTA. You are basically punishing your son for not going in for higher education. You don’t have to give it to him as ‘fun money’ but he should get an equal benefit – down payment on a home for example. Otherwise it is outright favouring your daughter based on her level of education.
YTA for judging different life experiences, based on what you deem is appropriate. He has no loans to pay off, but what about money towards a house? Also… you straight up said he’s not smart. But he’s hard working. You’re placing value on your perceived expectations. No wonder it upset him. You don’t support him or view him in the same way. How hurtful.
YTA, that really unfair
YTA
AITA. Either both the same or none to both. Son is right, you have favorite.
NTA, but I will say that you should look for some way to equalize this. You seem to truly favor your daughter (maybe it’s guilt, I don’t know) and I’m sure your son has sensed that all his life. You speak negatively about him even though it sounds like he’s managed to make a decent life for himself. You need to show him that you value him and support his choices, as well. Can you pay for education he’d like to pursue? Can you help with a downpayment on a home?
NTA but maybe what you can do instead is put some money aside for him that you’ll give him in the future for maybe a wedding if he gets married or a down payment for a house. Idk.
NTA you did not give your daughter money. You paid a loan you encouraged her to take on. Maybe if your son needs help with a specific bill you could cover that, but in no way should you be giving him money.
NTA! you did a great service to your daughter. I’m sure she will appreciate it very much, it’s not like you gave her 60k, you just prevented her from having to pay it back. Your son who is working and has no debt is now saying it’s not fair you did this? He never went to college, he didn’t build up 60k debt and wasn’t even happy doing it let alone doing it of his own volition. Tell him to go get an education and after he’s done you’ll pay for it lol. Maybe he will understand then. This isn’t about favoritism. Your unburdening your daughter and even some what yourself about what transpired.
I would offer to pay for schooling for him.
I’d lean in the direction of YTA – unless the son was just going to use the money for hookers and blow (or some other wasteful spending). If the plan was a down payment on a house, starting a business, etc – maybe give him a fair shake too.
FWIW, my parents paid for about $15k of my college tuition. They paid $10k for my brother (who dropped out) and then bailed him out of $15k of debt he took on. I never saw the $10k “difference.” He needed more help than I did. Yeah, I sure would have liked that $10k to help me out. But, they felt he was in a hole he never dig out of. So, they spent the money there.
NTA. But you could offer to pay for some type of higher education/trade school if he wants it.
There would be nothing to talk about until we’d thoroughly discussed him “demanding” anything from me.
NTA.
YTA if you don’t assist your son with something like $60000 towards a down payment on a house or the like.
YTA. You clearly never cared about your son the way that you did your daughter. You pushed and supported her education but let your son drop out at 15? Do you ever stop to think what your son could have accomplished if you gave his education the same attention that you gave your daughter’s? I wonder if part of the reason he gave up on his education is because he knew you thought he was stupid and thought he would never amount to what your daughter would. Geez, it’s your money so do what you want with it but you put him at a disadvantage before so it’s really not surprising that you are putting him at a disadvantage again.
NAH, but it doesn’t sound like he has any interest in education. Maybe offer something else? Like, you’ll help with a down payment on a house or something. Something non-liquid.
NTA but I’d offer to pay $60k for school if he’d like to go now.
I could see paying off the history degree you pressured her into, but the law degree was all her. And she is going to make plenty of money in law. Many law firms pay off the student loans of their employees.
It might be a show of good faith to cut him a check for the amount of the history degree.
YTA slightly. Although your repayment comes from guilt; your son is right in the sense you are being more empathetic to your daughter than your son and therefore playing favourites.
I don’t believe in just giving people money but perhaps you could acknowledge what your son is saying and ask him what you could invest money into that would set him up for his future? Does he have a business plan, a course or would he like to put a down payment on a home?
Your daughter wasn’t giving cash that she could spend on random things but your son should be given an equal opportunity to get a step up in life based on the loss of someone that was important to everyone.
NTA only because you pushed her to get a worthless degree she wasn’t ready for. You made a mistake you are now able to correct it.
NTA – the truth is, different kids have different needs, even when it comes to finances. Different points in life, who knows what your son will do and how you might be able to assist him later for similar reasons.
The “I pressured her to do it” kinda sounds like making excuses to help her because you think she’s smarter and more likely to be successful. She could’ve pursued law from the beginning and sounds like she freely chose history. Plenty of successful business owners, investors, and inventors didn’t go to college. If my mother gave my sister $60k to payoff student loans because of guilt and to help her better her life and did nothing to help me better my life I’d feel insulted. Especially when the money came from the death of my father. Unpopular opinion, but I think children should be treated equally and it doesn’t seem like that’s been the case for a while with your kids.
NTA You know your kids and their values and work ethic and I am sure that you are generous to your son in other ways.
I’m just gonna make this clear right now you did not give your daughter any money. You paid off a debt do not give him money because then that is not fair because you don’t know what she would’ve done if you gave her cash maybe she would’ve invested it and made even more. If he has a debt that he wants you to pay so it’s fair great if not, I really don’t see his argument. You paid off her student loans. If he wants the same treatment he can go to school and you can pay them off too
INFO was the 60K from her original loan or did that cover part of her law degree as well?
Why tf would he get money for doing nothing?? Insanely entitled for him to expect a pile of cash just for existing.
YTA, at least now he doesn’t have to wonder who you prefer.
YTA because I don’t agree with your justification. Giving her 60k puts her 60k forward financially. The fact that it’s being used to pay off student loans doesn’t change that. 60k to him would also boost him by 60k financially. You are “rewarding” her for her choices and “punishing” him for his.
YTA. This is favouritism.
Hm someone I knew: his parents paid for his brother’s study abroad for multiple university/college degrees. Very generous to his brother. They also gifted money to his brother, actual gift money with no requirement to pay them back. But to himself, his parents “lent” him money to buy a house, and he has to pay them back $$ monthly with interest. It’s obvious to everyone that his parents are more generous to his brother than to him.
You obviously are more generous to your daughter than to your son. You cared about her education, you didn’t care about your son’s education. You gave her money. You didn’t give money to your son.
YTA.
“He’s never been very smart.” Nice. Your daughter is your clear favorite and you acted accordingly.
INFO: would he be interested in non-academic further education to help him get established in a career?
Not everyone will/should go to university, but there are so many alternative pathways to financial freedom/independence.
Depending where yall are, trades, skills or entrepreneurship could also lead to a successful or fulfilling future.
Perhaps the offer should be: education or to help you start a legitimate, well thought out business venture. As you outlined in your post, pressuring someone to start university does not tend to ensure they complete it, enjoy it or continue in the field… Many, myself included, focus on financial freedom out of school, and once they have their toe into work, find their passion and choose to kick start their academic journey later – and so many of my peers that went to uni fresh out of school took so much longer to find themselves in their late 20s early 30s.
With respect, the way you described him might be “matter of fact” to you, but also shows that you only value academic or book smart/interest as a worthy choice; he probably feels/knows that, and I can see a world where that could cause resentment or hurt for him.
I still don’t believe you have an obligation to “pay” him… but perhaps try to meet him where he’s at, and maybe encourage him to find his own path. And let him know you’ll support him when he’s ready to have a realistic, adult conversation about it.
NTA – but could give him a little grace.
Yta you’re still punishing another child for going in a different direction. It doesn’t matter if she went to school for you or herself it was still her loans and she should be making good money.
As far as she would rather have the Mooney for a house now she can save faster without the loans.
It’s your money to do as you wish but stop making excuses.
Consider paying off some of his debts to an equal amount; such as car or home loan
No, money should drive innovation and your son won’t innovate.
well… this whole situation sucks. how could we fix it? You could pledge that same amount of money towards your son’s education. or put it asside for if he has a child and put it towards their education. Make the same amount of money available, but tie it to education in some form. tradeschool, online courses…. tutors, anything. That, I think, would be the most fair way to do it.
YTA to both. I mean you forced your daughter into this dept doing something she didnt want or need without any help while you let your minor son drop out at 15? Do you not see the double standart here?
From your son’s perspective he probably watched all that happen and knew you thought he was too stupid cause, “why didnt you push him when you pushed her hard? Was he not good enough? And now she gets all the money too?” That does seem unfair to him.
From your daughters perspective it is right. You are at fault she even has this dept so you should pay it off. Plus all the stress and pressure you caused.
NTA, you are making what you feel is the best decision. At the same time, your son feels you are treating his sister much differently, better, than him. And you are. So you must accept those consequences, whatever they may be.
NTA. If you have the money to spare (and if you don’t, do not do this) and he has a debt you could easily pay off, even if it is not the same amount, it would be kind to pay that off for him to free up his monthly budget a bit too. But giving him cash is not the same as paying off a student loan.
The only thing you should do is offer to pay for college or trade school for him. He shouldn’t be getting fun money when your daughter didn’t. NTA
NTA. Your daughter has shown resilience, intellectual drive, and financial responsibility- trying to pay off her debt quicker. She is worthy of the financial help you provided her- that money was not wasted. Your son on the other hand, lacks financially discipline and critical thinking. He has put himself in a shit situation by dropping out of school and yet during all these years he has not tried to better himself whether by learning a trade or returning to school whereas your daughter made the decision to return to school to better her future prospects.
Please make a will or trust so that your estate can be settle in the way that you want after you are gone. Also, make sure that your daughter has legal power of attorney if you should have a medical emergency.
NTA based on these facts alone, esp. if your son “demanded” you give him money; however, reading between the lines there does appear to be some favoritism towards your daughter…might want to ponder that to see if your actions indicate such behavior.
NTA! If he wants to go to school and get a degree maybe offer to pay for that but that’s it that’s all.
As an outsider, NAH only because of the self-admitted extreme pressuring. But there is approximately zero chance your son will ever see it as anything other than favoritism, and that is understandable. Feelings arent always logical and not everyone has the emotional maturity to understand your reasons for the decision. I don’t think you owe your son $60k by any means but, if you give him something and how much will depend on what you want your relationship with him to look like from here forward.
Info
Did your daughter pay for her second degree for law school or was it part of the loans you paid off?
Does your son have any outstanding loans or credit that he does need help with. It is unfair to offer support for one child and not the other. Your daughter has a higher earning potential then your son. I see how he can feel like he’s being treated unfairly. You cleared your daughter’s debt. School or personal it was her debt. You can offer to do the same for your son, clear some old debts. If he doesn’t have debts but has children you could put an equal amount you gave your daughter into a trust/account to be used for his children to go to school so that he wont have to deal with their school debt.
There are options that you can do to make the support more equal without handing him money out right.
YTA
You say you are trying to help your guilt with your daughter, but punishing your son for not being academic. You are absolutely playing favorites with this and your son has every right to feel slighted. It’s your money to do with as you please but this isn’t going away.
Tell him to go get a qualification or learn a trade and you will contribute towards his tuition fees or tools. Otherwise too bad!!!
YTA. You’re rewarding your daughter for achieving YOUR definition of success and withholding support to your son because you’re judgmental
My parents play the same bs with my brother and I; they gave him 10k for getting married even though he married into money, and pay for his whole family to go on vacations every year and about a billion other things but did not help me by offering me the same amount with my student loan repayment or down payment when I bought my house. They’ve also told me they’ve reduced my portion in the will because I never married or had kids.
It’s not the money, but the principle of this favouritism deeply hurts me and impacts me. I struggled a lot putting myself through uni and then scraping together money to buy a house by myself while my brother coasted from his wife’s family money. The equal donation of 10k would have saved me a lot in debt interest or helped me get a house and stopped renting sooner. But apparently because I didn’t do what they think women should do, I am less than.
60k is a life altering amount of money and could provide a lot of stability and security in these troubling times. Withholding that from only one of your adult children when you could do both, is just cruel.
Make amends with your son before it’s too late – the relationship with my parents continues to deteriorate and I simply don’t trust them, I spend as little time as possible with them because it’s just painful over this and other similar issues.
INFO: do you mind sharing where you are located? I sense that there may be some context that this American may not be picking up on.
YTA for not treating your kids equally when you can. All she has is a degree? She has two degrees and all he has is a job. That is exactly how it went in my family, with the same lame excuses from my parents. You paid for her education and didn’t give your son a dime. A hard working kid at that. Poor guy. I get how he feels
I have a friend like that. If 1 kid gets money for something, then all of the kids gets that money. It doesn’t make sense to me how that’s supposed to work.
Yes YTA.
YTA because of the way you describe your son (never been very smart) and the fact that you clearly favor your daughter. Unless you held a gun to her head and forced her to go to college, it was her decision to take out an enormous amount of student loan debt and to pick a major that doesn’t have very promising job prospects. Wouldn’t a smart person put a little research into choosing a maior?
NTA, but to be fair let him know that if he wants to go to college or a trade school, you will put $60K towards his tuition. Then you are providing him with the same benefit you provided to his sister.
Info- did you pay off all of your daughter’s loans or just the history degree?
If you paid for law school as well then you are favouring your daughter over your son. You are giving her “fun money” by taking away her debt for a job that is going to lead to very well paying jobs in the future.
Your son took the sensible route and is being punished for that? You’ll be the AH if you wiped all her debt completely and don’t see that as giving her a massive boost he didn’t get.
What if son would have picked a trade if he’d thought he’d get help?
NTA, it’s your money and your son isn’t in ANY WAY entitled to it.
You clearly have a favorite child.
Since he is a mail carrier, why don’t you give him money for new uniforms (if he’s city) or put money aside for any car problems he may have (if he’s rural). There’s ways to help both children; but the golden child strikes again. You didn’t accidentally send the text and if you did, you’re fucking careless.
NTA. It is your money to do as you see fit. If he goes to some
School, maybe you pay for it. Maybe not. It’s your money.
YTA. Why was your daughter pushed into something she didn’t want while you allowed your son to drop out at 15? You did them both a huge disservice by causing one to go into debt and the other to fail to launch. Why do parents so often expect their daughters to mature and be responsible while babying the boys to the point of making them all but helpless without someone taking care of them?
YTA. You’re playing favorites and simply say your sons is stupid. Its fair for him to get the same amount of money. He can use it for a house, car etc.
NTA – you know you pushed her & the repayment is more to assuage your guilt for that rather than anything else. That’s ok – it’s your money & if it helps heal both of you, then go for it.
I have multiple children with different needs – I’ve messed up at times & pushed my daughter too hard (the eldest) while giving my sons an easier ride. That’s my guilt that I carry, but I work hard to avoid repeating those mistakes.
I wouldn’t feel bad. It’s YOUR money and your decision. Him demanding money is ridiculous. Tell him to get a degree and you will pay it off afterwards. You are giving away money just for fun.
NTA in this situation, but you are definitely the AH for treating and talking about your kids like this..
You saying – if you want to go to school I’ll pay the same for you – is fair enough. You paid for her school, you’d do the same for him. It wasn’t a random gift of 60K.
I thought abt saying why not help him with a car or house. I just don’t know that’s necessary. You offering both the gift of school and its up to them to take it or not seems fair. NTA (unless you wouldnt pay for his school if he were to do it.)
NTA. I understand why you helped your daughter and its valid. But think of how your son felt when he heard his sister got $60k and he got nothing. He only knew about it through a mistake.
I don’t like the way he demanded the same amount in cash though, that’s not how things work.
NTA- Tell him that money was for an education. If he wants to go to a trade school or attend university you’ll happily pay for it. It’s not as if you gave your daughter $60k and told her to go have some fun. This is exactly what he will do with it.
You could also offer some amount to help him buy a home. Or put money in a trust for him when he’s much older.
You aren’t under any obligation to give your children lump sums of cash.
NTA but you should offer to pay for him to complete his education so that your decision is fair.
YTA – you’re playing favorites. He should have a similar amount of money that you can pin away for some big thing he wants to do.
Wow, your comments show your son never had a chance.
You blame your 15 year old son for not finishing high school, but you blame yourself for your 18 year old daughter choosing a history degree because it was easy.
You pay off her educational debts from her choices, citing your pressure, but don’t think a similar amount could help your son despite your lack of parenting there. Instead, you feel it would hurt your daughter.
YTA
I would feel it’s unfair if I was in his shoes. As a college graduate myself and someone who doesn’t believe in the education system, I think you should at least offer him some options. There are more ways to learn than through a university. It shouldn’t be college or zero. What if he wants to start a business? Learn a trade? It shouldn’t be “fun money” at all. If he wants money to do nothing but buy toys and goof off, then absolutely no. If he has ideas and want to invest in them, I think it’s fair to give him a boost.
yta for treating them differently. always give the same amount or give nothing.
Now that son knows, you can either give him something, maybe not as much, or your relationsip will likely be damaged permanently, if it isn’t already.
YTA
It’s pretty easy to tell from how you talk about your children who the favorite is.
NTA
Past 18, it’s not support or charity.
It’s investment, and your son just isn’t up to the task
NTA You are helping her with the debt that you caused.
Fair is not always equal.
You never owe one kid what you gave to another so long as you love them both.
I think you should take a certain amount of money and put it into something long-term for him. A trust maybe or an IRA or whatever the equivalent on your country with be. Something he can use down the road to buy a house or do something else significant.
Regardless of whether you pressured your daughter into it, you paid for something that enables her to have a higher level of income, presumably than her brother . Giving him an amount of money to have a different but similar start seems fair.
In my opinion, no, you aren’t, and yes, you are.
No: You paid off debt for your daughter. Which is awesome for you to do.
Yes: You at least, by your own admission, caused her at least a good chunk of that debt. You didn’t let her from the sounds of it have much time after basic schooling was over before pushing her into something she had no interest in. Im glad she ended up doing the law degree and is doing better.
Also, while your son did drop out at 15, you’re HIS parent. You could have helped find another alternative, and it SOUNDS like you didn’t and simply gave up. And on top of THAT, you said he isn’t smart. Maybe if you and your husband (simply going off of what you wrote and if im wrong and you both really did your best with him, then I apologize) had shown any faith in him he may have ended up doing better.
Somewhat YTA based on your comments you really dont like your son all that much, you call hin dumb and a disappointment, yet who raised him? You. Don’t you think the same way you pressured your daughter to go to uni when she wasnt ready you pushed your son to burn out and become the “disappointment” he is now?
Both your children had negative experiences with your parenting, your the common denominator, and they both handled it in different ways it seems. Only difference is instead of really being sorry for your poor choices your choosing to save face with the kid who didnt “embaress” you.
I’m speaking as a mother, and also as the least favorite child who never got the aide/help/attention that my sister got and continues to get… you WERE the AH. When you pressured her to go to school and didn’t really pay attention to what she actually wanted and needed, you were the AH. The debt she accumulated set her behind in life in a big way. I’m glad she finally found her path and it sounds like she was really trying to take care of herself and better her situation. But you paying off those loans from her history degree was the right thing to do. I was impressed that you could recognize and own the part you played, I think many parents aren’t even able to do that, but the fact that you had the ability to actually fix it for her is a blessing. As for your son, if he doesn’t have the maturity and empathy to understand why you did this, then he really shouldn’t have access to 60K spending money anyway. Don’t give him the money, but if you can afford to, find a way to invest in his future. Maybe a car, a down payment on a condo, or offer to pay for his education.
You’ve made a few comments about how you pressured your son to finish high school but I suspect all you did was yell at him. Did you actually try and figure out why he wasn’t going? Was he being bullied? Was he struggling with mental health issues? Did he have an undiagnosed learning disability? It sounds like you just assumed he was stupid and there was nothing you could do about it.
If the above isn’t correct then you should update your post to say so. My eldest struggled in school and with attendance. It did take a while to figure out what the issue was but once we did we worked with the school to find a solution that worked for him. After he graduated (which he barely did but did achieve) we worked with him and his doctor to figure out how to help him next. That looked like a place where he lived and worked on a farm and got the mental health support he needed. Now he lives on his own, has a full time job, and is successful. Did you actually try to help your son or just give up on him?
I was all for giving the son some money until you said that he demanded that you give him some. That’s not how this works. You GIVE what you CHOSE to give. No one demands anything. He owes you an apology first and foremost. Then maybe, you give him a smaller amount later. If you choose.
YTA. Bullying your daughter about her education likely influenced your son’s lack of interest in school. Maybe he’s smarter than you think.
I think YTA but have you considered that your son might feel that the last thing his father left the family is now supporting everyone but him.
That amount of money is absolutely wild to be seen gifted to one child and not the other regardless of the reason. Even if you reduce it to the fact: for most of us that level of money is inconceivable. Perhaps your son is also seeing how his decisions might have kept him from achieving more (or geez even have his mothers respect) and the risk his sister was able to take twice , and the risk that was just wiped clean in an instant.
You’re essentially paying her back for her education because you pushed her into it, but that ultimately led her to her now successful career. That’s must be something your other son couldn’t ever imagine happening. I struggle to as well. Your daughter always comes out on top.
Maybe your son could have used some more pushing or encouragement.
For that reason alone I think YTA.
Let’s say your daughter was given a massive payout a few years ago and your husband had a $60,000 car that she paid off for him. Let’s say you have a basic regular little car that you own, bought for 5 grand that still runs well. Is it fair for her to buy him the car and give you nothing ? I feel this is probably how your son sees it and feels. Now I can see how giving someone who is not responsible with money, let alone 60k, seems a little risky. However, if he has no debt, then honesty he’s doing pretty good, better than most people financially, and probably deserves a chunk himself.
I think it should be gifted equally. Since when do we decide what is ‘worthy of buying’ when its other peoples money that we ourselves gifted to them? By this I mean, if you grant both kids $60,000, they should choose what to do with it themselves. If she wants to pay off debt, cool! If he wants to buy unnecessary junk worth 60k, cool. I think it’s unfair to your son for sure. If it was strictly an educational pay out, okay, but it sounds like a guilt pay out to the kid you expect to have a more successful life.
I also think it’s a bit odd that the only reason he knew was because of an accidental message. Were you just never going to tell him? I don’t know your son but I have an idea of how he might feel.
YTAH
You have always had a favorite child, and it’s not your son.
Sounds like you just gave up on him when he was a teenager (probably sooner) and are now trying to find ways to justify your favouritism to your daughter.
Way too old to be pulling the preschooler wHy DiD sHe GeT OnE??? NTA. Your son is being very entitled. He isn’t owed anything, your money isn’t his business, and your daughter’s loans aren’t any of his business either. I would stick to that, broken record.
YTA. Why are you hiding behind your daughter’s feelings? Why is she so mean that she would resent her brother getting the same amount of money? It’s odd behavior for a 30 year old woman to resent equal treatment of a sibling. If you prioritize her feelings over his YTA.
Does your son own a home? Offer him the equivalent to reduce a mortgage or offer to cover a home improvement project. If doesn’t offer it as a down payment.
NTA
I would be honest, tell him you’re willing to pay the same amount of student loan debt for him that you did for his sister.