This year after my wife lost her mother very unexpectedly, she told me that for Mother’s Day this year she would rather have a sentimental gift rather than a materialistic gift. I spent a fair amount of time from March until May researching and learning as much as I could about a recipe that her mother made her when she was a child. Her gift was two trays of enchiladas in which everything was handmade, aside from the vegetables and cheese. Her reaction was very indifferent and she told me she would have rather had gotten a portrait of her and her mother, which in my opinion was considered a materialistic gift, as well as a sentimental gift. It has been a topic point for the last few months and I stand by my decision, but feel like maybe I’m not fully understanding her view or her feelings.
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This year after my wife lost her mother very unexpectedly, she told me that for Mother’s Day this year she would rather have a sentimental gift rather than a materialistic gift. I spent a fair amount of time from March until May researching and learning as much as I could about a recipe that her mother made her when she was a child. Her gift was two trays of enchiladas in which everything was handmade, aside from the vegetables and cheese. Her reaction was very indifferent and she told me she would have rather had gotten a portrait of her and her mother, which in my opinion was considered a materialistic gift, as well as a sentimental gift. It has been a topic point for the last few months and I stand by my decision, but feel like maybe I’m not fully understanding her view or her feelings.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The choice of gift and unwillingness to agree with my wife about the category of her ideal gift.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. When most people ask for a sentimental gift they mean something that will have emotional weight and meaning to them, some kind of physical memento that they will have available to them in years to come. Not a plate of food that will be consumed and forgotten. There is a difference between a material (physical) item and a materialistic one. You have some massive mea culpa groveling to do to fix this one.
NTA
Your gift was truly lovely and high effort. Does she expect you to be a mind reader here? I can’t believe this is even an issue months later.
If you interpret “not materialistic“ as “not expensive” instead of “not physically permanent” you will see your wife’s point. Soft YTA.
NTA – what you did was very thoughtful and considerate. Grief is a complex monster and she had something in her head and what you gave her was not what she had in her mind. You can’t really rationalize her reaction or her feelings on it. She is going to feel what she is going to feel. Accept her feelings. You can’t also still be “right” that it was a good gift. She will know that at some point.
NTA – you tried something different, and it was not what she wanted. Maybe just give her some cash next holiday.
NTA – you aren’t a mind reader. She’s sad and you can’t fix that. It was a lovely and thoughtful gift
NTA. No one is at fault, it’s just a miscommunication. You should clear the air between you and get her more of what she wants for the next birthday or holiday.
NTA your gift was honestly amazing, but she also wanted a keepsake. Grief is hugely irrational but it knows what it needs. Tell her you love her by getting her the framed picture, and tell her you’re glad she let you know. When a person comes back out of grief, they remember who cared enough to stick with them through the weird times.
You spent a lot of thought on this but you missed the mark, unfortunately.
Your logic is faulty: you say that you thought that a portrait would be materialistic, but a tray of food wasn’t. Which doesn’t make much sense. They are both materialistic, in the sense that you can hold them and you would have paid for them.
What you’re missing is the highly personal value of a portrait of a beloved mother with your wife. Something she can keep forever, and be reminded every day of happier times.
What you gave her was some food. Presumably consumed by a group, as it was 2 trays. This was thoughtful of you if it was similar to food she may have enjoyed as a child, but in no way sentimental as an object. She can’t treasure a tray of enchiladas.
Much as I wish my vote could be otherwise, YTA — because you have doubled down and are standing by your decision when it’s obvious that you got it wrong. She wants her mother, not some food made by someone else. You overthought this, and you were wrong and it doesn’t matter how much time you spent on this idea when you get it this wrong. Apologise, get her the portrait, and do some more research on the word “sentimental”.
Info – What made you decide to pick that particular recipe? Is it something that your wife does not know how to make?
Nta. She didnt explicitly tell you that she wanted a portrait of her mum and her. I think you still did well with the home made food
NTA, to each their own, but I would literally cry if my partner made me something from my grandma’s recipes. I’m a big foodie though, so that may be part of it.
She needs to check her expectations. If she wanted a specific gift, she should have dropped obvious hints or specifically said. Just because she expected something, if she didn’t communicate that, it’s unfair to expect you to know what she wanted.
This is either an NTA or NAH for me.
You offered a lovely, appropriately sentimental gift that took thought, time, and effort.
NTA for that
“Her reaction was rather indifferent”
“She told me she would have rathered [specific other thing]”
Here’s where it’s going to swing between NTA or NAH for me.
If she was disappointed it didn’t meet the picture in her mind but still genuinely thanked you for what you’d done, that doesn’t make her an AH. Not reacting super enthusiastically doesn’t mean someone is an AH. Communicating what you’d prefer instead also doesn’t necessarily make you an AH — it’s how we learn more about each other.
But if she was rude, dismissive etc, or upset with you that you hadn’t read her mind — that tips more into AH territory. (I recognise that grief could be having an impact here though, so if this isn’t typical behaviour for her I’d be inclined to be extra gracious about it and wouldn’t typically classify it as AH).
The whole thing seems to be a misunderstanding and miscommunication. You seem to be misunderstanding the difference between materialistic and material. And she seems to have had a specific idea in mind of what sentimental means to her and not have communicated that well to you.
NTA
Your wife made a request, and you put a lot of effort into trying to fulfill it, its possible that no gift would have been the right gift, because your wife is (understandably) sad, its also possible that you swung for the fences, and missed.
I think you are not understanding her view or her feelings, its very hard when you lose a parent you are close to, and grief is very personal, I wouldn’t expect anybody to really understand her view or her feelings, this isn’t a failing on your part, this is just…grief.
> It has been a topic point for the last few months and I stand by my decision, but feel like maybe I’m not fully understanding her view or her feelings.
Honestly, I think defending your decision is going to do more harm than good here. It doesn’t really matter if you are right or not (or it shouldn’t), you can argue the point later if you really care about it that much.
For now, apologize for misunderstanding what she was requesting, you arent wrong, but you arent going to win anything if you keep fighting it.
I think NAH. You tried. I personally always cook for my husband on top on giving him a gift on occasions to celebrate him. I wouldn’t consider just the meal a gift.
Sentimental gifts are usually something people keep and cherish, which sounds like what she wanted. A sentimental over materialistic gift doesn’t mean it’s free or cheap.
I don’t think you are the AH, but I think you misunderstood the sentimental part. You guys could definitely clarify your definitions of sentimental and learn going forward.
YTA – it seemed like a party type of gift for everyone, so it seems like you were trying to impress a group with your cooking skills instead of thinking about what would be meaningful to her. I bet she’s never said boy I miss the enchiladas.
NTA. What you did was very thoughtful but obviously not what she would have liked. I think you should get her the gift she was hoping for. Don’t wait. Many people surround themselves with photos of their lost loved one. They find comfort in it.
I think if you surprise her with it and say you are sorry for the misunderstanding she will appreciate it.
My MIL lost her husband last year. For Christmas my husband and I searched many stores to buy her a necklace that was her birth stone surrounded by his birth stones. As if he was hugging her. She loved the sentiment so much she wears it every day. It is the thought behind the gift that counts most but I’m guessing by “sentimental” your wife meant something that she could hold onto.
Kinda soft YTA. What you did seems thoughtful, but are you not already cooking something for your wife or taking her out on Monther’s day anyway when you normally get her a present? Think of it this way, if her mother was doing this for your wife’s birthday, she wouldn’t JUST make the enchiladas as a gift, right? She would get an actual present as well
NAH. She should’ve specified what she was wanting but you also could have asked her what she felt like she needed. Communication is honestly the easiest solution here.
Yeah, a sentimental gift is a meaningful keepsake, not a dinner that’s just over and done with, you made a meaningful dish, but it could have been presented with her recipes in a special book you made, with photos for example. We’re saps… we like a little bit more than just dinner you’ve cooked at home.
NTA – people here saying you could have given her something sentimental like a portrait, anyone can do that in 15 min any day of the week. If my husband took the time to practice and nail one of my mom’s dishes so I could continue to experience her food anytime we want, um I would be crying. Go print a picture, put in in a pretty frame I guess.
ESH. She should have been able to recognize and appreciate the effort you put into her gift even if it wasn’t quite what she was hoping for. When she expressed what she would have preferred you should have apologized for the misunderstanding and told her you’d try to get it right next time. I can understand why you didn’t if she didn’t thank you for your efforts. That would put a lot of people in defense mode but being defensive is not conducive to a healthy relationship with good communication.
There’s just no pleasing some people.
NTA
My experience with personal grief is that no matter what someone is doing to try and help me feel better, it’s going to be wrong. At least at times.
NTA
It’s hard to judge one’s definition of personal when it comes to having something sentimental compared to materialistic. It wasn’t that she didn’t want some material, it was just that she wasn’t interested in the usually Mother’s Day gifts. She wanted something that she could have that would remind her of how much her mom meant to her. ( I know, us women don’t tend to explain things in detail as we expect you to understand like we do).
The next holiday you have coming up, or even get a chance to take a mini vacation. If that can line up with something. Look at going somewhere that she used to go with her mom, maybe when she was little. I’ll give you an example to go by.
When I was a kid, my family would go camping every year in another state, always the same place campground, we loved it there. During that week we were camping was a big fair my mom would take us to. We loved watching the rodeo. After growing into teens, we no longer were interested in camping, maybe glamping, but that wasn’t an option financially for us.
My mom has since passed. I would love to go do that again one day. Even if it’s just going to the fair for the weekend and watching the rodeo would be very meaningful to me. And if someone found a picture of me and my mom from there would be awesome. Having it framed in something elegant of the time would be so sweet and fun.
Let me know if this is something you think she may have been looking for when she meant sentimental.
UPDATEME
YTA she asked for something sentimental, common sense would be to get something she can be sentimental over. You’re making her out to be super materialistic for wanting something she can actually look at and think about her mother versus something gone in a second. You put the work in but massively missed the mark.
The portrait and the enchiladas would’ve been perfect. I understand your wife, I lost my mom 3 months ago and one of the most comforting things for me is to look at our pictures together when I’m walking around my home.
YTA for doubling down on this issue.
You are saying your wife is not allowed to be disappointed, you are 100% negating her feelings.
YTA
You think cooking dinner is a gift.
She asked for a sentimental gift not a sentimental meal she didn’t have to cook herself.
The fact that a dinner she doesnt have to cook on mothers day isnt automatic and considered a gift tells reddit how much effort youve failed to put towards your wife’s previous mothers days.
If you asked your wife for a sentimental gift for fathers day and she cooked you dinner as your gift would you really be happy OP?
YTA, that was a terrible gift
NAH. This sounds like an amazing gift even if it didn’t hit the mark.
Your wife should have been a bit clearer about what she wanted, especially as it seems she already had something particular in mind.