I (F23) was incredibly excited when my fiancé (M24) got a promotion and a raise after almost five years together. Since I’m living at home for college benefits, I was hoping he would finally use the extra money to save up and move out of his roommates’ place.
Instead, he declared to me that he doesn’t believe in saving money, telling me he watched a YouTube video that said saving money was useless. Against my constant advice of saving or buying useful items, he insisted on buying a new car. Not too bad right ? Well it wouldn’t have been if that new car wasn’t a brand new Camaro. He dismissed all my suggestions for reliable, older cars by calling them “shit boxes.” When I tried to show him the huge financial burden, he snapped back, saying, “You can never just agree and be happy with his decisions.” I reluctantly backed down.
Fast-forward a few months:
1. He got two expensive tickets and cried to me for money, which I gave him, reminding him he wouldn’t need it if he had saved.
2. He admitted to me that he never registered the car.
3. When he finally attempted registration, he discovered the cost was almost $2,000 and rushed to me about it. Again, I helped him secure a loan.
4. The final straw: he announced, “I’m going to use the loan money to move out and probably will repo my car and get a motorcycle instead.” This made me furious, as he has no motorcycle license or experience with bikes, meaning I know he’ll rely heavily on my car for everything.
I’m livid that he didn’t listen to my warnings and is now in a severe financial mess (did I mention he also has to worry about finding health insurance due to a recent incident?). He is demanding I help him make all the decisions now and says I’m being cold for refusing. He also claims it’s my fault for “allowing” him to buy the car. Is it ? Am I being too defensive ? AITAH ??
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I (F23) was incredibly excited when my fiancé (M24) got a promotion and a raise after almost five years together. Since I’m living at home for college benefits, I was hoping he would finally use the extra money to save up and move out of his roommates’ place.
Instead, he declared to me that he doesn’t believe in saving money, telling me he watched a YouTube video that said saving money was useless. Against my constant advice of saving or buying useful items, he insisted on buying a new car. Not too bad right ? Well it wouldn’t have been if that new car wasn’t a brand new Camaro. He dismissed all my suggestions for reliable, older cars by calling them “shit boxes.” When I tried to show him the huge financial burden, he snapped back, saying, “You can never just agree and be happy with his decisions.” I reluctantly backed down.
Fast-forward a few months:
I’m livid that he didn’t listen to my warnings and is now in a severe financial mess (did I mention he also has to worry about finding health insurance due to a recent incident?). He is demanding I help him make all the decisions now and says I’m being cold for refusing. He also claims it’s my fault for “allowing” him to buy the car. Is it ? Am I being too defensive ? AITAH ??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole since I’m completely ignoring my fiance’s further decisions to a large financial situation. A part of me thinks I should be helping him since I am his fiancé and we both plan on sharing that financial situation in the future. But he also made this decision on his own so I think he should be left to deal with it on his own, that may be narcissistic to think.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Don‘t marry this guy. My mother had the same issues with my father and she’s a bitter, unhappy woman.
YTA for enabling this behaviour. Why are you still with him?
NTA and maybe consider breaking up with him. Do you really want to marry someone who is making incredibly poor financial decisions? On top of that, he’s blaming you for his own stupidity and trying to gaslight you about it. Finances are a major part of marriage and it’s going to have a huge impact on your future. He’s showing that his inability to handle finances responsibly is going to negatively impact his own life and health; prioritizing a motorcycle without a license, failure to register a car, neglecting health insurance. What if you have children? Even if you don’t, what about a house or retirement? Or if something happens to you and he has to make decisions in your stead? Can you really trust him to do that?
NTA but your bf obviously isn’t capable of working with money and isn’t smart enough to listen to anyone else with a functional brain so maybe time to take a break from him? Or you’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life. He will take advice from randos on YT, make bad decisions and you will be paying for them.
Throw the whole man away.
JFC. You are enabling this weakling. Stop. He is so inept, incompetent, ridiculous, unattractive and petty. He treats you like shit. You’re being used. Cut him loose before he drowns you too
NTA. But you need to dump him. He doesn’t respect you and he’s wasting your time and effort you put in. You can’t someone treat you like that. It’s a toxic relationship and it’s time to move on.
The only person you’re being an asshole to is yourself for staying with a man who takes specious financial advice from YouTube videos, doesn’t believe in saving money but has no problem spending yours, is apparently incapable of taking care of basic adult tasks (his tardiness in registering the car–did he even attempt to get insurance), wanting the flashy muscle car that were more than he could really afford and now wants to trade in for a donor cycle (not licensed to drive it, what are the odds he’ll survive it?), and now wants to trash his credit by letting the bank repo the Camaro. You call him your fiance. Do not, not, not marry this man unless and until he gets serious financial counseling and proves to you that he has changed his ways. NTA, but you really need to assess the situation before he ruins your credit rating and possibly your life.
You really really REALLY don’t want to marry someone who is so terrifically bad with money.
Financial infidelity is a thing!
Get out while you can and find someone who shares your more conservative (rational) approach to personal finances.
NTA, but you are being used.
If he isn’t mature enough to realize that a random YouTube video isn’t good life advice…then he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship yet either.
You are not his keeper. You are his partner. That means he still has to be responsible enough to think for himself and to listen to good advice when it’s given. That doesn’t mean you are responsible for making his decisions for him, or stopping him from being stupid.
OP, move on. This person isn’t capable of ‘adulting’. You will stay in mess after mess and your own finances will become an absolute mess. Do NOT loan any more money, share your car, your living arrangement or anything else. Cut this off now and find someone you are actually aligned with regarding financial management and other areas. Best of luck. I know it can be hard.
Ask yourself 1 question: what am I expecting from this person? If your answer is: a project man that you will constantly have you trying to “help” him when he doesn’t want or care to have help. Then you are doing just fine. If your answer is anything else, then WTH are you doing? He clearly has no intention of getting his sh•t together.
He is a complete and total baby. He wants you to “save him” every time he does something stupid. Your best bet is to get rid of this loser. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but he has no ability to think logically and therefore will NEVER be a whole person. He will always want you “to fix it.” You are more of a mother to him than a girlfriend. Dump him. There are many other people in the world who can be exciting and understand how making plans and selecting what makes sense, not what Zings his whinger at the moment.
NTA-but no relationship is worth jeopardizing you finances or financial independence. This will be a constant battle if you get married. Save yourself the headache and heart ache and dump him
No ma’am. You need to wake up and realize you’re only hurting yourself. That boy is irresponsible and doing wtv the hell he wants because he knows you will have his back. He is using you.
If you go through with that wedding, your whole life will be filled with this exact disrespectful, abusive language which will eventually turn physical.
NTA but please consider if this is how you want to spend your life.
That he gets to be irresponsible with money and you have to bail him out, he screws up his credit which could affect you.
This man is immature and is not ready for commitment
Why on earth are you with this guy??? He’ll be an anchor around your neck as long as you stay. And FFS, stop bailing him out or letting him use your car! You are enabling his terrible behavior, I hope you realize?
NTA. This is not an adult person. You should not be asked to be his financial advisor, his mother, his warden – but onlt when he asks for it.
He needs to grow up, which will not happen for a while. And because of that, you need to remove yourself from the situation before it causes more stress to you. You seem to be unable to set the boundaries and allow him to fox his own mess – he should be figuring out his own stuff and not rely on you for funding.
YTA. This guy has repeatedly shown you he’s not a keeper. You’ve repeatedly enabled him in crappy behavior. Now he’s even got you questioning yourself about the wisdom of trying to cut him off. Do you really dislike yourself so much that you’d let another person continue to treat you like this?
Good grief.
What are you a door mat? Breakup with him already to him your just a walking talking atm at this point
The least attractive quality in a person- idiocy
You have seen the future. You have a decision to make.
Continue with a petulant boy or git while the gittings good.
Bless his heart. He is just a 24 year old kid who finally has a little money and doesn’t realize how important credit will be. I suppose if you like taking care of him go ahead and marry him, but if you think that will get real old real fast, it might be time to let him go.
Why tf do you want to marry someone so woefully irresponsible? Once married, his irresponsible spending will legally become your problem and you will be liable for his debt.
I repeat, if you marry him, you will become liable for his debt.
When you say you “helped” your boyfriend get a loan I really, really hope you don’t mean that you co-signed.
Co-signing a loan, particularly for someone as irresponsible as your boyfriend, will affect your credit for a very long time. His irresponsibility becomes yours.
What does he mean repo his car? Just stop paying and let it get repossessed?
You seem to love this man for some reason, but please stop letting him use your money or your car. It’s still possible that he might learn to make better choices if he really has to face consequences.
NTA !!!Omg child! Cut your losses asap! I can’t rmbr what you’re doing is called rt now ( I’m old & it’s late lol) but there is a term for it. When you’ve already invested so much that you can’t stop or you’ll feel it was all for nothing so you keep investing. It’s a fool game. Pls stop being foolish. This kind of crap never stops it just gets worse. Beyond even that hes even now blaming you for “letting him buy the car”! Give me a f’ing break! You will never get the time & money you’ve wasted on him back, but you can sure stop doing the same thing & expecting different results. The very definition of insanity.
You don’t need to help him. You need a new boyfriend
YTA
You’re enabling his bad behavior. Why are you paying his tickets and registration? You’re teaching him he doesn’t need to save money because you will always bail him out.
Just why exactly are you with him?
NTA
You don’t live together so your money doesn’t have to be this intertwined. Why are his parents not giving him money. You absolutely should stop lending him money, you might not get it back.
If you want this to work with him then keep money separate, you will only be resentful if you keep this up. Let him struggle through his mistakes. He needs to see the value in saving. You’re not his mum. He can go to her for money.
It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but be firm on your stance. But this also means stop worrying about what he does with his money either, have an independent mindset for the meantime. Don’t metal in his income as he doesn’t share the responsibility and thinks your his safety net. His parents should be his safety net and if they aren’t then it’s up to him to save up.
Soon enough he will either sort it out once he realises he’s living beyond his means. Or continue put down the path of destruction. Then you can make a decision whether you want to stay with him or move on. But you can’t change him. Not while giving him financial support.
I don’t think this is grounds for breaking up, he’s young it takes time sometimes to realise these things. But you’re acting like a parent so cut that shit out and see if he grows up. If you want a future with him, then this is probably your best chance. If he’s carrying in about it then he has 0 respect for you
YTA. The problem isn’t your irresponsible, childish fiance. It’s you and your inability to set boundaries and keep them. You are allowing him to walk all over you financially.
Grow some courage, girl. You are worth so much more than what this man has to offer.
He keeps throwing up red flag after red flag, and you keep giving him a green light to speed by your concerns, sound financial advice and feelings. Get yourself into therapy and explore your own insecurities cause you seem to want to settle for trouble.
Walk the fuck away and stop giving him money, Jesus Christ on a cracker.
Of course he’s coning to you for decisions and advice. It’s not like you told him your concerns then washed your hands of it. You didnt let him suffer the consequences of his actions. You kept bailing him out. And you’ll keep bailing him out when he cant ride his motorcycle, or is being taken to court for years over a repo, or blows the loan you ‘helped’ him get on nonesense, and this will be your life forever- bailing him out of his foolish financial decisions.
YTA for enabling him. This post is written like you’re proud of the advice you gave him, like you think you’re the level headed one. You’re not. You’re worse than he is. You know he’s making bad financial decisions and you’re pouring money into them anyway.
C’mon, this has to be a joke, right? No real woman would put up with a guy like this. Please tell me you’re not serious about staying with him, never mind marrying him.
NTA unless you stay with this child. Why are you subsidising his bad life choices? He clearly doesn’t rate your advise or your relationship.