I (32M) have a 5-year-old rescue dog, Max. I got him three years ago with serious separation anxiety. Through a lot of patience, we’ve found a system that works. A key part of it is that he sleeps on his own bed on the floor in my bedroom. This seems to be the only way he feels secure through the night.
Four months ago, I started dating a woman (29F). She’s been staying over more frequently, which is great, but it’s causing friction over Max. She says him being in the room disturbs her sleep, even though he’s quiet all night.
Last week, she proposed a “compromise.” She wants me to start making Max sleep in the living room. I explained that when I first got him, I tried that, and he would howl and scratch at the door in distress for hours. It wasn’t just annoying; it was genuine panic. Her solution is that we should just let him “cry it out” for a few weeks until he gets used to it.
I told her absolutely not. From my perspective, that would be cruel and would undo years of work building his trust and security, causing him significant distress for no reason other than our (or just her’s) convenience. I said I’m not willing to do that to him.
Now she’s upset, saying I’m being inflexible and that I’m prioritizing a dog over her comfort and our relationship. She says any normal dog should be able to sleep in another room and that I’m coddling him. AITA for refusing to even try her “cry it out” solution?
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I (32M) have a 5-year-old rescue dog, Max. I got him three years ago with serious separation anxiety. Through a lot of patience, we’ve found a system that works. A key part of it is that he sleeps on his own bed on the floor in my bedroom. This seems to be the only way he feels secure through the night.
Four months ago, I started dating a woman (29F). She’s been staying over more frequently, which is great, but it’s causing friction over Max. She says him being in the room disturbs her sleep, even though he’s quiet all night.
Last week, she proposed a “compromise.” She wants me to start making Max sleep in the living room. I explained that when I first got him, I tried that, and he would howl and scratch at the door in distress for hours. It wasn’t just annoying; it was genuine panic. Her solution is that we should just let him “cry it out” for a few weeks until he gets used to it.
I told her absolutely not. From my perspective, that would be cruel and would undo years of work building his trust and security, causing him significant distress for no reason other than our (or just her’s) convenience. I said I’m not willing to do that to him.
Now she’s upset, saying I’m being inflexible and that I’m prioritizing a dog over her comfort and our relationship. She says any normal dog should be able to sleep in another room and that I’m coddling him. AITA for refusing to even try her “cry it out” solution?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my action was refusing to even try my girlfriend’s suggestion to make my dog sleep in the living room. This could be seen as me prioritizing my dog’s comfort over my girlfriend’s needs and being completely unwilling to compromise in our relationship, which makes me seem inflexible and dismissive of her feelings. But at the same time I have spent way more time with my dog than with that girl, our relationship is brand new and i dont know.. If she cant make compromises like that, i dont know if she would even accept my family or friends.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’ve been in a similar situation. I can’t sleep with pets in the room. When I dated someone who had a pet that slept in their room (2 different people actually) I didn’t demand that the pet not be allowed in the room. One offered to lock their pet out of the room and I said “No, that wouldn’t be fair. This is your pets home, not mine. I’ll try to deal with it.” Ended up that it was an issue for me which I couldn’t get over so we decided that we weren’t compatible long term, had our fun and called it a day.
Have to go with NTA. As I said, it’s your pet’s home and their comfort should supercede the comfort of a guest. Also, if this relationship went long term and you moved in together, you would have a tough choice to make. Best to cut your losses and make that decision now. There’s someone out there for you who would be okay with this.
Not everyone needs to love dogs the same way, but you aren’t going to be compatible long term. It almost reads like she is making a power play here.
Unless she doesn’t want the dog in the room during intimacy. That is something you’ll need to make happen, but that shouldn’t require your dog to be in the living room the rest of the time. If that isn’t something you can make happen then you are simply not compatible with this woman.
You ARE prioritizing your dog over her – and you should be: Your dog is your existing long-term relationship, he trusts you and depends on you.
NTA
NTA
You took on a responsibility when you decided to stick it out and work on his anxiety. If fit no other reason, you should see it through.
I’m going to mangle this, but there’s some staying about people’s character being uncovered by how they treat the elderly and animals. She lacks basic sympathy for a suffering animal. That will rear its ugly head on you someday.
Are you hoping for marriage and children someday? Should a terrified child who comes to you for comfort be sent back to cry it out?
Honestly, I don’t really see where either of you is in the wrong here.
She says you are “prioritising a dog over her comfort and your relationship”. Well, actually, she is right. That is exactly what you are doing. But you have the right to do that.
She also has the right to just stop coming over if the dog is a deal breaker.
Really I have to say NAH. Just two people with different ideas and different comfort levels.
NTA, you already tried her suggestion.
I am more interested in how having a dog in the room disturbs her sleep. I think you should talk about that with her. Without some concrete reason why it impedes her sleep, you should reject any attempt to move the dogs sleeping area.
I doubt she would be staying over on the nights you are trying to let the dog “cry it out” if her sleep is so sensitive that a dog in the room is a problem.
I don’t think you should do what she wants to the dog. However, if you do, you have to get her to agree to stay overnight for at least the first week. If she won’t, break up with her. Someone who would traumatize a dog and leave you to deal with it alone for her comfort is demanding far too much after 4 months.
Get rid of her.
Dump her.
NTA What she’s asking is unreasonable. It would be unfair to your dog to take away his safe place. I’d solve it by offering her a couch in the living room.
NTA tell her if she doesn’t like max sleeping in your bedroom, she can sleep in the living room. After all he was there first.
NTA
She’s decided to assert her “it’s me or your dog” and is expecting the answer to be her.
I can’t speak for you but if a guy gave me a “it’s me or your cat” ultimatum, he’d be out the door.
If you really want to work it out, make a compromise in between. You don’t have to sleep with the dog in your bed, you can put his bed in your room and slowly push it towards the living room.
I for one cannot sleep with my dog, she is always waking up to change positions and I’m a easy waker so she knows that if she wants to sleep with me, it’s easier for both of us if it’s in her bed , because if she wakes me I’m taking her out of my bed anyways. She also wakes up if I stand up to follow me everywhere so I see why you would be heartbroken to leave him behind, but it’s healthy even for the dog to put up some boundaries, you just need to pick yours.
Mine: no following me to the bathroom, no crying when im out, sleep in your own bed (buying one that she really likes was a total save), etc.
The dog is an extension of you and shouldnt change your life, do you have sex with the dog in your bedroom?
NTA — The dog has been in your life much longer than she has. If she has known about this from the start, then she is SOL. Making him sleep in the living room is not a compromise. It seems a break up is in your future
Thank you, next
NTA you made a commitment to the dog when you got her.
NTA. Dogs are pack animals, the pack sleeps together. The dog being quietly in the bedroom in his own bed is perfect and this woman is not the one for you.
She can sleep in the livingroom.
NTA She’s prioritising her nonsense over your relationship and your dog’s needs.
Girlfriend can go sleep in her own living room.
This is the dog’s house. She’s a guest. She can avoid overnights at your place if she doesn’t want the dog in the bedroom. NTA
NTA but stick to your guns. Your dog should come first, he was there before her and will be there long after shes gone. If she can’t understand the work you’ve done with Max and the meaning behind it then she’s not for you
NTA. Keep that puppy in your bedroom. Let your girlfriend sleep in the living room.