Context; my (30f) daughter (11f) has been excited for a birthday party for one of her school friends all week. She told me about it over the weekend, but didn’t bring home any invitation or anything until yesterday.
The party is from 5-9 on Saturday.
The issue? Wednesday I received a text from her dad’s mom (her dad is not in her life but I co-parent with his parents so they can still have a relationship) saying Saturday she wants to pick my daughter up in the morning and bring her back Sunday morning, for her brother’s birthday. I initially said okay, which I probably shouldn’t have done before getting birthday party info. That is on me.
Today, now that I had the birthday information, I wanted to reach out to her grandma and let her know about the party, as I’m okay with Char doing both and I’ll pick her up drive her etc and even drop her back off after the party.
I was met with “umm, well D (her grandpa) is off work at 5, so they’re doing dinner at 7:30). Basically no support or understanding about my daughter wanting to go to the party.
So I texted her brother’s mom (same dead beat baby daddy. He’s also not in his son’s life) and wanted to get her opinion and thoughts since it’s HER kid.
She said “I couldn’t care less. It’s just dinner and they have dinner more times than I can count on my hand”
She also made a good point that if D wanted to, he could take Saturday off work: he owns part of the car dealership he works at and chooses to work weekends. His choosing to work Saturday is basically why they have to wait to do dinner or celebrate etc. They are very well off, and do not hurt for money at all. So it’s not like he HAS to work Saturdays.
I’m leaning towards letting her go spend the day there Saturday morning, picking her up at 4:30, taking her to the party at 5 and picking her up at 8 to be taken back to their house. She will literally only be missing dinner, but still gets to go to her friend’s party and spend all day with her family. Come back Sunday morning. Plus I have plans with her brother and his mom next Friday to get the kids together just them and us.
But I still feel like an asshole because I know someone’s going to be pissed at me. Even though I’m not the one who had any had in the last minute knowledge of anything this weekend. I’m just the messenger lol.
So AITA if I don’t expect my 11 y/o daughter to put her family first for her brother’s birthday dinner, when her grandpa won’t put his family first and take a fucking day off work?
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Context; my (30f) daughter (11f) has been excited for a birthday party for one of her school friends all week. She told me about it over the weekend, but didn’t bring home any invitation or anything until yesterday.
The party is from 5-9 on Saturday.
The issue? Wednesday I received a text from her dad’s mom (her dad is not in her life but I co-parent with his parents so they can still have a relationship) saying Saturday she wants to pick my daughter up in the morning and bring her back Sunday morning, for her brother’s birthday. I initially said okay, which I probably shouldn’t have done before getting birthday party info. That is on me.
Today, now that I had the birthday information, I wanted to reach out to her grandma and let her know about the party, as I’m okay with Char doing both and I’ll pick her up drive her etc and even drop her back off after the party.
I was met with “umm, well D (her grandpa) is off work at 5, so they’re doing dinner at 7:30). Basically no support or understanding about my daughter wanting to go to the party.
So I texted her brother’s mom (same dead beat baby daddy. He’s also not in his son’s life) and wanted to get her opinion and thoughts since it’s HER kid.
She said “I couldn’t care less. It’s just dinner and they have dinner more times than I can count on my hand”
She also made a good point that if D wanted to, he could take Saturday off work: he owns part of the car dealership he works at and chooses to work weekends. His choosing to work Saturday is basically why they have to wait to do dinner or celebrate etc. They are very well off, and do not hurt for money at all. So it’s not like he HAS to work Saturdays.
I’m leaning towards letting her go spend the day there Saturday morning, picking her up at 4:30, taking her to the party at 5 and picking her up at 8 to be taken back to their house. She will literally only be missing dinner, but still gets to go to her friend’s party and spend all day with her family. Come back Sunday morning. Plus I have plans with her brother and his mom next Friday to get the kids together just them and us.
But I still feel like an asshole because I know someone’s going to be pissed at me. Even though I’m not the one who had any had in the last minute knowledge of anything this weekend. I’m just the messenger lol.
So AITA if I don’t expect my 11 y/o daughter to put her family first for her brother’s birthday dinner, when her grandpa won’t put his family first and take a fucking day off work?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the asshole for not making my daughter choose a family event instead of going to a birthday party for one of her friends.
I think it makes me an asshole because of course you should put family first, but situations aren’t always black and white like that.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Complicated! How old is her brother? If he’s older, he may not care. But if he’s younger, it might mean a lot to him if his big sister is missing.
Also, have you talked to your daughter about it? How does she feel?
Info : how old is the brother ? Does he even want her/care if she’s here ? And have you asked your daughter what she actually wants to do ?
INFO : how old is the brother and how important to HIM is it that his sister be there for his birthday dinner?
Sounds like you’re trying to accommodate all. Easy mistake to have made. I think the proposed solution should make them happy and if grandparents are mad about it say you spoke with brother’s mom about it and she’s fine with that.
???
I do not understand how them telling you what their plan originally was drives this to “someones going to be pissed at me”
NAH.
NTA.
Missing social events can be a big deal at that age, and it sounds like the family time can easily be made up for/accommodated.
You can’t live your life worrying about who is going to be pissed at you. NTA for doing the right thing. Just makes sense.
INFO: did you not know when her brother’s birthday is? Were you not expecting him to have a party? When she mentioned the friend’s party did you not mention it was her brother’s birthday soon? Did you not anticipate a potential clash?
In short: how did her brother’s birthday party manage to sneak up on you unexpectedly?
NTA – just like any co-parenting relationship, the needs of the children dictate the plans.
Grandpa could work the evening, and they all have a fun breakfast celebration, because the kids are the priority.
Is this brothers favorite restaurant? What does he want?
I think it could just be a good time to have discussion’s around needing flexibility as the children age. New social commitments, with varying time constraints. Varying activities, and priorities. There needs to be flexible and effective communication to navigate that. This just seems to be a growing pain or sign of maturity in both the children and the needs of the relationship.
I’d honestly call the non family member mom and ask if your daughter can bring a plus 1, seems like the brother just wants to see his sister and she wants to go to friends party. Grandma gets the day, kids get to party, and you can even do a Sunday brunch instead of Saturday dinner, seems like a win all the way around to me.
NTA – life is filled with conflicting plans. You’re bending over backwards trying to satisfy everyone, and trying to make it work. You’re going to upset someone at some point, but not for lack of trying. It’s ok, who do you want to please the most? Your daughter, or her extended family? There’s no great offense here, and props to you for making an attempt!
Your dau should have a say. What does she want to d do?
You would be within your rights to have her not spend any part of the day with them since your daughter has something else that she has been looking forward to. A simple: “I am sorry, I should have checked the plans before accepting your invitation for her. She will not be able to attend” is all that you need to give the grandparents. If you want to go out of your way to let them have part of the day, that is fine, but it is not necessary. Particularly since the other mother doesn’t care.
Edit to add:
One of the problems with having an informal co-parenting arrangement with a third party (ie grandparents) is that it sets up a sense of entitlement in the mind of the grandparent. Over time, that can become a problem as your child ages and has different priorities and a social life of her own. That is why it is probably a good thing, even if grandma gets annoyed about it, that you insist on your daughter getting to attend the party she has been looking forward to. It will help grandma get used to the idea that she has to work around you and the child, rather than you and the child have to work around grandma.
NTA. This family dinner sounds like it could easily be a different day if they wanted it to be. I truly do believe that family comes first but this isn’t a well planned 16th big bash with a ton of family coming. It’s just dinner and seems easy to move. The friends party can’t be missed. I would send my kid to the party.
NTA
Just let her go to the party.
YTA for agreeing before getting party details but you already know that. NTA for skipping the dinner but sounds like you’re going to make it work fine 👍
Have you thought to ask your daughter what she wants to do? She’s 11, so she definitely has her own opinions.
Ask her. And go with her answer. It is time to grow a spine and be the advocate for your child. You are the parent. Her grandparents can ask, but they don’t get to decide. You do. And your daughter does.
She’d probably prefer to be with her friend that day. You need to support her choice unless it is completely unreasonable or dangerous. She needs to learn you have her back.
So what if the grandparents are pissed? They are lucky you are allowing them in her life. Lots of parents don’t want their kids to have a relationship with people who bring up scummy deadebeats. If they get upset, tough, and you need to know this is not about you being the bad guy, but about you allowing your daughter to spend one day with her friend rather than doing what they want.
Her brother’s mum has already said the dinner can happen any time. Is he older? He probably won’t care if his sister is there or not. Friends are often more important than siblings around this age.
Talk to your child and see what she wants.
NTA. She’s been preparing for this party in her mind, it’s a big deal to her. Her other family should be understanding. Part of growing up means picking and choosing between events sometimes. If she goes to brother’s birthday dinner she’s be resentful–let her celebrate with him the next morning, maybe?