I (20M) have a best friend (21F). We’ve been best friends since like 5th grade. We’re both straight, I have a girlfriend, but she’s like a sister to me. Within the past 5 months, she’s been dating this man. He’s a wanna be thug and he’s no good.
At first, he wanted her to cut me off, but she refused saying I was here first. That didn’t bother me, and despite him being a dick to me, I didn’t care. If she was happy and he was treating her right. I started caring when her life was in danger. He got her kicked out of her house, gave her an STD from having sex with other women while they were dating, he’s been caught cheating on numerous occasions, and has brought her around guns and shootings. He also is very rude to her. He snatches her phone from her and goes through it, he manipulates and verbally abuses her, and he begs for sexual advances despite her saying no. I’ve brought this up to her, and she says she knows, but she loves him for some reason. He also will turn off his location and go to hooters when he’s mad. Mind you he’s never spent one penny on her.
She’s been very odd. For some reason she wants to keep merging calls between me and him. Whenever our friend group hangs out, she wants to bring him along. Of course, I don’t like him because of all the stuff he’s done to her. I just wouldn’t be talking around him and I’d leave when he’d come around. He thinks we have a problem and yes we definitely do have a problem. I don’t like the way he treats my best friend.
Me and her dad spoke about this and we both agree that this young man isn’t worth it and she needs to break up with him. I urged her to leave him on numerous occasions. I’ve had hour long talks with her about how eventually this boy is going to do something horrible to her and she deserves better. Everything I say goes in one ear and comes out the other. Eventually when they broke up about 2 weeks ago, she called me and told me they got back together. I was mad. Why is she with someone who insists on harming her. I don’t get it. She told me to stfu and let her live her life. I’m not her man or her dad so I shouldn’t be worried about her.
AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (20M) have a best friend (21F). We’ve been best friends since like 5th grade. We’re both straight, I have a girlfriend, but she’s like a sister to me. Within the past 5 months, she’s been dating this man. He’s a wanna be thug and he’s no good.
At first, he wanted her to cut me off, but she refused saying I was here first. That didn’t bother me, and despite him being a dick to me, I didn’t care. If she was happy and he was treating her right. I started caring when her life was in danger. He got her kicked out of her house, gave her an STD from having sex with other women while they were dating, he’s been caught cheating on numerous occasions, and has brought her around guns and shootings. He also is very rude to her. He snatches her phone from her and goes through it, he manipulates and verbally abuses her, and he begs for sexual advances despite her saying no. I’ve brought this up to her, and she says she knows, but she loves him for some reason. He also will turn off his location and go to hooters when he’s mad. Mind you he’s never spent one penny on her.
She’s been very odd. For some reason she wants to keep merging calls between me and him. Whenever our friend group hangs out, she wants to bring him along. Of course, I don’t like him because of all the stuff he’s done to her. I just wouldn’t be talking around him and I’d leave when he’d come around. He thinks we have a problem and yes we definitely do have a problem. I don’t like the way he treats my best friend.
Me and her dad spoke about this and we both agree that this young man isn’t worth it and she needs to break up with him. I urged her to leave him on numerous occasions. I’ve had hour long talks with her about how eventually this boy is going to do something horrible to her and she deserves better. Everything I say goes in one ear and comes out the other. Eventually when they broke up about 2 weeks ago, she called me and told me they got back together. I was mad. Why is she with someone who insists on harming her. I don’t get it. She told me to stfu and let her live her life. I’m not her man or her dad so I shouldn’t be worried about her.
AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. urged my best friend to break up with her boyfriend. 2. that could make me TA for being in her life
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA to be worried about her, you’re a good long-time friend, so you have the right. But don’t keep pushing it. You’ve already gone too far; you’re not her boss. Just say, “You know how I feel, I am worried about you and you deserve better. But I’m not going to keep talking about it. I might need to remove myself sometimes. You might get rid of me for whatever reason. Anyway, whatever happens, I am still your friend and if you ever need me, I am here for you.”
NYA: If this is about protecting her and not your relationship with her (which sounds like the case) it’s very appropriate to try to give her a different perspective on her relationship so that she has an opportunity to rethink it.
But my gosh, if he’s really as terrible as you have listed, I would hope she would not need “another perspective” to see he’s no good.
nta there is a reason they say love is blind. remove yourself from the “situation”. refuse any and all contact. you can help her after the crash and burn. be well
NTA But there is nothing more you can do at this point. Let her know you love her as a best friend, and you’ll always be here for her. And pray she comes to her senses before.. she gets pregnant, hooked on drugs, seriously hurt, arrested.
Well clearly this has all the markings of an abusive relationship…like if not physically, then for sure mentally. Trying to separate her from her friends/family, distrusting her and making himself ‘present’ in all her social activities, on top of all the other crap.
What sounds odd to me is you’re referring to this guy, who is presumably your age, as ‘young man’ and ‘boy’. Are you sure you’re not the dad?
Regardless…you can’t force her to do anything but you can keep trying to show your love and support to her, while showing her the things that she herself would have considered red flags. Write out everything you notice he has done/is doing, on a piece of paper. Show it to her and say ‘if a friend of yours came to you with this problem, what would your advice be?’
Tell her you’re there for her and you are genuinely worried.
Ask her what WOULD make her feel like this isn’t a healthy relationship, then tell her to remember what she said and if/when it happens, to recognize and reach out for help.
NTA. Your friend is in an abusive relationship and there isn’t a real way to make her see that. Cut contact after telling her you’ll be there if and when she chooses to prioritise herself.
NTA. Her boyfriend is jealous and she is trying to placate him while keeping you in her life.
You won’t get her to break up with him before she is ready. She needs to boost her feeling of self-worth and self-respect until she feels she deserves better and dumps him. You telling her to do it will just deteriorate your relationship.
My word of advice (as I used to be the woman in thia story): be there, hang out if you can, have fun with her. Refuse to listen to her rants about her boyfriend, set a boundary around it and just appreciate your friend. Show her what being treated right looks like and give her the respect she deserves. That’s all you can do. She needs to do the rest.
NTA but realize women love a bad boy. You cannot control this situation. Only be supportive and if you try to intervene you will probably lose a friend.You have to let her find out for herself.
NTA it sounds like you’ve tried pointing out the obvious to her, all you can do unfortunately is continue to be her friend. It’s exhausting to continue being friends with people like that. It doesn’t matter what you do or say, she’s going to choose him or someone exactly like him over common sense every day.
If at all possible, maybe try to convince her to at least get some kind of long term birth control (IUD/Nexplanon) that can’t be tampered with or “accidentally” forgotten or used incorrectly because next thing you know she’ll want to stay with him for the kids (which is usually a bad idea) and accuse you of wanting to break up her family.
Not trying to predict your future, but having been there, here’s likely what will happen… Eventually you get to a point where you walk away due to irreconcilable issues because she keeps choosing a “man” like the one you described over her kids and everyone else. Fast-forward about a decade and her oldest kid reaches out via social media and you find out she’s been in foster care since about a year after you left. Kid has more common sense than her mom ever thought about and has done well being in a more stable environment.
Good luck!
Tell her clearly that you this man as no good and a danger. But that she is aan adult and she gets to make her choices.
Tell her you’ve shared how you feel and your fears, and you and her dad will always be there to come get her if she ever needs help, any time if the day.
But that you will be giving her the space to live her life since you will never try to control her. That you wish she has health, happiness and feels safe and loved in her relationship because she deserves that. But you will be giving her that distance and space for now, because you don’t want to keep fighting with her over this.
And then reduce the time you spend with her. But always keep the door open for her. She hopefully will knows who to call when the inevitable happens and she wants to escape.
Nta but this sounds like dad wrote it not a 20 year-old especially the last paragraph or whatever
Nta, but atp you’ve done all you can for her. Focus on yourself and your relationship and leave her to her own devices. She’ll eventually realize that she fucked up and will come back asking for help
It can take a victim of abuse up to 7 tries to leave their abuser for good. It sounds like your friend may have up to 6 more tries before she is able to finally break free. This guy seems to be showing all of the classic signs of abuse, from the isolating to the cheating and everything else.
Like others have said, there really isn’t much you can do at this point other than be there for your friend and support her however you can until she is able to get away from her abuser. At this point NTA.
NTA, but it sounds like maybe she has some trauma bonding going on.
“Trauma bonding is a complex psychological phenomenon that describes an unhealthy attachment that can develop between an abuser and their victim. It is characterized by a cycle of abuse, followed by periods of positive reinforcement, which can lead to a deep emotional bond with the abuser.
Key Features of Trauma Bonding:
Cycle of Abuse: The relationship is marked by alternating periods of abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual) and periods of affection, remorse, or idealization.
Positive Reinforcement: The abuser may provide moments of kindness, attention, or love, which reinforce the victim’s attachment and make it difficult to leave the relationship.
Manipulation: The abuser may use guilt, fear, or threats to control the victim and maintain their power in the relationship.
Cognitive Distortion: The victim may experience cognitive distortions, such as minimizing the abuse, blaming themselves, or believing that the abuser is the only person who can care for them.
Emotional Dependence: The victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser, even though the relationship is harmful.
Consequences of Trauma Bonding:
Trauma bonding can have severe consequences for the victim, including:
Difficulty leaving the abusive relationship
Feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame
Low self-esteem and trust issues
Mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder
Difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future”
NTA, but the other dude and the girl are. However comma you gotta just let it rock. She ain’t gonna listen regardless. Sounds like 21F is mentally cooked and that’s it.
Yta.
The more you and her dad team up on her the more she’s gonna dig her heels in and stay with this guy let nature take its course
I was also in an abusive relationship before this is much of what I’d do. It took her almost snapping and killing me for me to shape up. NTA.
NTA, But i think you being there is also creating issues in her love life. Its clear that his boyfriend is jealous of you. And may be he is doing all this out of jealousy. Give them a little space, distance yourself from her and see how things work out. At the end make sure you are there if things dont end well. Because you are her best friend and thats what best friends are for. In above case i think you have done more than enough for her in your capacity.
NTA of course, boyfriend sounds like really bad news, numerous red flags.
INFO:
>He got her kicked out of her house
Where does she live now? Hopefully not with him?