AITA For treating people like dogs?

r/

When I was little, I was told to stop a dog from barking for attention, you have to ignore them

So I do this with people, I had a particularly shouty boyfriend when I was a teenager and I just learned if I completely ignored him when he was shouting he learned that it wasn’t going to work. If he wanted a response he’d have to talk calmly.

We broke up eventually but me and the guy I’m seeing (although probably won’t be soon) got into an argument. As soon as he started to raise his voice I stopped responding, it’s kind of innate now.

Anyway he said I can’t ‘train’ people like dogs and that it’s manipulative, shouting is a natural part of arguing.

Honestly it’s not just partners, even in school I’d never get into a shouting match with anyone.

Edit: I would not normally explain it like this but I had to on this occasion because he thought I was dissociating and I might have PTSD or something

Comments

  1. AutoModerator Avatar

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    When I was little, I was told to stop a dog from barking for attention, you have to ignore them

    So I do this with people, I had a particularly shouty boyfriend when I was a teenager and I just learned if I completely ignored him when he was shouting he learned that it wasn’t going to work. If he wanted a response he’d have to talk calmly.

    We broke up eventually but me and the guy I’m seeing (although probably won’t be soon) got into an argument. As soon as he started to raise his voice I stopped responding, it’s kind of innate now.

    Anyway he said I can’t ‘train’ people like dogs and that it’s manipulative, shouting is a natural part of arguing.

    Honestly it’s not just partners, even in school I’d never get into a shouting match with anyone.

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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

    > 1. I stopped responding when being yelled at
    2. I did it because that’s how you train dogs and apparently you should ‘train’ humans

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  3. wesmorgan1 Avatar

    >Anyway he said I can’t ‘train’ people like dogs and that it’s manipulative, shouting is a natural part of arguing.

    No, it isn’t – it may be HIS way of silencing YOU, but it isn’t “a natural part of arguing.”

    Just look at him and say, “I won’t respond until you can speak to me in a civil tone of voice.”

    If he can’t handle that, your relationship will probably be (and, in my opinion, should be) short-lived.

    NTA.

  4. GoddessBee_98 Avatar

    This is actually brilliant. You need an award for the level of self control you have. 🙏

  5. Jackfrost9 Avatar

    Nah, you’re not “training” anyone. This is your boundary. You refuse to engage when being spoken to like this. You’re not refusing all forms of communication, you’re refusing to be screamed at. Big difference. NTA.

  6. xarajaz Avatar

    I would say you’ll probably have more luck having people accept it if you tell them you’re enforcing a boundary – “I don’t engage with people when they raise their voice” than if you continue to say that you are treating them like a dog. But on the other hand, you are probably not going to get along with someone who thinks it’s a normal part of life to regularly have arguments that involve raised voices. So you are NTA for not engaging with raised voices but a little bit for the way you phrase it because people find that offensive. If you are trying to be tactful you might want to rephrase, but you don’t have to – we are, in fact, animals, and can, in fact, be trained in similar ways. 

  7. narrative_device Avatar

    You do not owe your attention to anyone who can’t treat you civilly. This is a reasonable baseline expectation in any relationship.

    You’ve clearly set your bondary and made it very clear you don’t accept being shouted at. That’s a normal thing to do.

    That said, maybe let go of that dog metaphor when you’re explaining yourself – it doesn’t sound great and kinda undermines your position unnecessarily.

  8. Soft_Remote_1511 Avatar

    Nta but at the same time i wouldnt tell ppl youre treating them like an untrained dog. 

    Also the silent treatment isnt acceptable. Neither is yelling at someone you care about. But arguments do happen in relationships idk any couple that doesnt have those. 

    I would suggest call them boundaries and explain them to your partner. It sounds like your boundary would be you will remove yourself from a situation if it escalates to yelling. 

  9. wayward_painter Avatar

    NTA shouting is NOT part of arguing. It’s actually a sign of bad communication.

  10. strafekun Avatar

    Nope. Not the asshole. You’re doing it right. You’re allowed to have requirements about how you will be treated in a relationship. I’d tell him that if he doesn’t like feeling “trained” simply because you won’t accept disrespectful behavior, you could just dump him instead.

  11. your-rong Avatar

    You’re not wrong for not responding to people who shout at you, but obviously people are going to be offended if you tell them that you’re treating them like a dog (I’m assuming you told him that, because I don’t think most people would guess that you got that from training dogs). Just say that you won’t respond to being shouted at if you ever find yourself having to explain it again. NTA.

  12. Swirlyflurry Avatar

    YTA

    You don’t tell a dog why you’re upset because a dog doesn’t understand words.

    People do.

    Shutting down and refusing to engage at all when someone does something you don’t like isn’t teaching them anything, except that you’re too immature to communicate like a human.

  13. DropstoneTed Avatar

    NTA. That’s the proper response to a yeller. Dang right it’s manipulative, that’s the whole point.

    However, training people is also subject to the maxim “you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.” There is no guarantee that the subject will respond to stimuli as expected.

    IOW, in your specific case, you cannot guarantee that your BF is trainable. Some people come irreparably broken from the factory.

  14. Jerseygirl2468 Avatar

    NTA but that’s a normal response to being yelled at, not solely related to dog training. Shouting is not a natural part of arguing.

  15. Ohaibaipolar Avatar

    Shouting is NOT a normal thing in an argument. Sounds like they’re bad news. I’d leave now. NTA.

  16. Vivid_Wings Avatar

    NTA. You could have phrased it more tactfully, perhaps, but “I do not want to shout, or be shouted at, during arguments” is a pretty reasonable take.

    “Shouting is a natural part of arguing” is… yellow flag behavior. It’s not inherently a problem but maybe he should dig into why he thinks that, you know? Maybe his family was just shout-y but I’ve had arguments with my husband that were about serious, maybe relationship-ending issues, with no shouting. Crying, yes, but no shouting.

  17. lend_me_mupo Avatar

    NTA.

    Ironically he is attempting to manipulate you by claiming that shouting is a natural part of arguing but giving people who raise their voice at you the silent treatment isn’t.

    And anyone who believes shouting is a normal part of arguing is not someone I want any kind of relationship with.

  18. Left_Set_5610 Avatar

    YTA to yourself for being in relationships with men who shout at you. Hell no.

  19. Reinardd Avatar

    That’s not really the best way to deal with conflict or disagreements…. It’s certainly not the worst, but you better. Maybe use your words to tell them what behaviour you do and don’t accept before you shut it down completely. As opposed to dogs, men are supposed to be able to understand when you tell them something. At least give him a fair opportunity to improve his behaviour. Have you told him already and he still keeps shouting? Then by all means, ignore them.

  20. MeowmarAlCatdafi Avatar

    NTA, would I call the silent treatment completely “healthy?” No, you should probably be able to tell someone you care about and are in a relationship with “I won’t talk to you until you lower your voice.” But “shouting is a natural part of arguing” is dismissive af and takes zero responsibility for a (albeit pretty common and normal) shitty thing to do, like yelling at your partner.

  21. Always_travelin Avatar

    I mean… NTA, but this isn’t a healthy approach to life, to just shut down when you’re confronted with something uncomfortable (yes, I recognized that we’re talking about abusive boyfriends in this case). Shouting is not a natural part of arguing, but expressing yourself to partners by saying “this isn’t right and I’m not going to tolerate it” is a better approach than just going blank.

  22. JustNeedSpinda Avatar

    INFO: Do you otherwise engage in conflict resolution?

  23. icarofap Avatar

    NTA.

    That is just a proper response, better than screaming back or raising some fists.

  24. Grrrmudgin Avatar

    If he doesn’t like your silence, get a squirt bottle and forcefully say STOP when he raises his voice and squirt him. Extra-tip: use hot dog water

  25. Kitchu22 Avatar

    YTA.

    As someone who trains dogs, ignoring them when they are trying to communicate a need or feeling dysregulated is not only relationship damaging, it’s also pretty ineffective for behaviour modification.

    That aside, while you don’t have to accept people shouting at you – your coping mechanism isn’t healthy. Calmly ask them not to raise their voice at you.

  26. Overall-Shopping5939 Avatar

    NTA as he shouldn’t normalize shouting

    However the rigid and simplistic way your subject line reads and the way you phrased the single cause and effect of the dog is very odd

    Do you have some sensory sensitivity in general or a black and white approach to life ? Or is the dog related to trauma around noise?

    And why would you tell your boyfriend the dog story? You think you are taking the calm high road but telling people that is not socionormative

  27. anxioustomato69 Avatar

    NTA. shouting is not a natural part of arguing

  28. DetectiveOwn8439 Avatar

    NTA. I think there’s a term for this. Strategy dealing with narcissists.

  29. Difficult_Reading858 Avatar

    NTA, but… while yelling is not a normal part of healthy arguing, neither is shutting down. Did you talk to your current boyfriend about your reaction to shouting before it ever happened? Do you communicate when it happens? If you are in a healthy relationship, there needs to be some kind of communication about your lack of communication, because communication is the core of conflict resolution.

  30. someofyourbeeswaxx Avatar

    NTA. No, I never stay in a conversation if I’m yelled at and you are absolutely right to treat them like a dog, or a small child, until they can get themselves under control. My strategy is to talk to them like I did to my kids when they were toddlers. “I can see you’re having trouble with big feelings right now but I won’t let you take that out on me. Let’s take a breather and you can try again when you calm down.”

  31. Multiamor Avatar

    Thats called a reinforcement schedule of extinction in behavior sciences and by ignoring the undesirable behavior and reinforcing a functionally equivalent behavior, youre doing a scientific behavior treatment process known as a DRA, or rather Differential Reinforcment of an Alternate response. It is used in ABA as a treatment for reducing maladaptive and dangerous behaviors in children with autism and related disorders.

  32. mvms Avatar

    Shouting is absolutely NOT a natural part of arguing. Shouting is an intimidation tactic.

  33. Suspicious-Eagle-828 Avatar

    NTA – I’ve ‘trained’ more than one coworker to be polite. Because they missed that memo somewhere along the line and it is better for them to learn gently rather than the hard way.

  34. enduranceathlete2025 Avatar

    NTA for not engaging with people yelling at you. However, you are very misguided if you think any of this is healthy in a relationship. You are treating the yelling partner as below you and not as a partner. We only have your side, so I am not sure why you are constantly with yelling partners. Yelling is not “normal” or “healthy”. Normally men are the stonewallers in the relationship (in order to avoid conflict), but I think there is a possibility you are one in a relationship and that might be the reason you are experiencing escalation in your relationship arguing. Or you are picking emotionally immature men who don’t know how to communicate.

    But either way, you actually only have control over yourself, and it says a lot about you that you are picking this sort of dynamic instead of being in a relationship where both partners communicate with each other.

    Happily married woman of 20+ years.

  35. JacobBowlin Avatar

    NTA… break up with him if he thinks you can’t train humans like you can dogs becuase DOGS are much smarter then humans are… tell me when was the last time you saw a dog bet on sports