So, my husband and I have full custody of his daughter. She goes to her mother’s every weekend for visitation. Every time she comes back from her mom’s, she comes back with 3-4 shopping bags of useless junk, thrifted clothes, random knick knacks, and stuff from the dollar store. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it wasn’t EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. My daughter’s room is a mess. As any other teenager’s is, at least that I have known of. However, it’s getting to the point that she has so much clothes that they’re all over the floor and I can’t see the floor. Hell, all of her stuff is all over the floor. The stuff she brings back just gets thrown on her floor, or on her desktop, or now in her sink in her bathroom (she has a double sink). It’s not like we don’t have ample space in our house, but I don’t want a home crammed full of useless shit. She only wears maybe 5 or 6 of the outfits she has and she never uses any of the stuff she brings back.
I’m trying to teach her a sense of responsibility and how to keep a neat and tidy area. Also, I’m trying to teach her how to not live like a hoarder.
Her mother sets a really bad example and she is a borderline hoarder. You can’t see her floors at her apartment, either. There is bugs and food everywhere at her mom’s.
I’m sort of a neat freak, but I’m not completely neurotic about it. I keep a clean and tidy house and clean every evening. I’m trying to raise her to have some respect for herself and her surroundings.
Anyway, AITAH for telling her mom to leave most of the stuff she buys her at her house? Or are my comments valid? She called me one. Her room and bathroom are getting really, really bad. I’m about to have her sort through everything with me and do a mass haul off of the stuff she doesn’t use or need. That way she can bring some of it back with her, but not have a packed out room.
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So, my husband and I have full custody of his daughter. She goes to her mother’s every weekend for visitation. Every time she comes back from her mom’s, she comes back with 3-4 shopping bags of useless junk, thrifted clothes, random knick knacks, and stuff from the dollar store. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it wasn’t EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. My daughter’s room is a mess. As any other teenager’s is, at least that I have known of. However, it’s getting to the point that she has so much clothes that they’re all over the floor and I can’t see the floor. Hell, all of her stuff is all over the floor. The stuff she brings back just gets thrown on her floor, or on her desktop, or now in her sink in her bathroom (she has a double sink). It’s not like we don’t have ample space in our house, but she only wears maybe 5 or 6 of the outfits she has and she never uses any of the stuff she brings back.
I’m trying to teach her a sense of responsibility and how to keep a neat and tidy area. Also, I’m trying to teach her how to not live like a hoarder.
Her mother sets a really bad example and she is a borderline hoarder. You can’t see her floors at her apartment, either. There is bugs and food everywhere at her mom’s.
I’m sort of a neat freak, but I’m not completely neurotic about it. I keep a clean and tidy house and clean every evening. I’m trying to raise her to have some respect for herself and her surroundings.
Anyway, AITAH for telling her mom to leave most of the stuff she buys her at her house? Especially if it’s something she’s not going to use? Her room and bathroom are getting really, really bad. I’m about to have her sort through everything with me and do a mass haul off of the stuff she doesn’t use or need. That way she can bring some of it back with her, but not have a packed out room.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be an asshole for telling my daughter’s mother to keep the useless junk that she buys her over at her house. She called me an asshole for saying that she buys her useless junk. I can’t tell if I’m just a neat freak or if I have a valid reason to be mad.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I don’t know anything about custody and such but there has GOT to be something you can do about her mother’s house being unfit for her staying there.
Bugs and food everywhere? Basically a hoarder house? Why would your husband let her go into a house like that? I can’t imagine what the bathroom or kitchen is like and she’s using those spaces?
Maybe talk to your husband about setting a ground rule that no new crap comes home. It can stay at her mom’s. Also do a big clean through the entire house, not just her room so she feels included but not ostracized.
The changing seasons are a great time to go through spring and summer clothes and have piles for keep, donate, and toss. You can do the same with winter clothes, too as it’s that time of year to bring that stuff out.
NTA for wanting to, but depending on your relationship, this might be up to your husband to deal with.
INFO why isn’t your husband taking the lead on this? It’s his daughter, and his ex.
Very soft YTA. This is your husband’s battle to fight.
Nta but you can’t really control her mother. What you CAN control is talking to your step daughter about the rules for your house and expectations around keeping her room and bathroom clean and that if she can’t manage it cuz she has too much stuff, then have her pick the date and time and you help her sort through everything and decide what stays and what goes.
If you focus on this, which IS within your control, trust me that you stepdaughter will start to push back with her mom herself about not wanting to bring bags of crap home with her if she has to do a sort and donate/toss purge more than 2-3 times. And likely she’ll end up refusing to bring it home to begin with.
NTA for not wanting so much stuff your step daughter doesn’t use or wear in your home and for wanting her to keep her space clean. However, your husband should be the one who addresses this issue with his ex, not you. Good luck.
I would tread carefully as a step-mother. If there are true cleanliness issues like leaving food scraps in the room that are mixed in with the excess clothes, then I would get your husband involved. If it is simply that the clutter bothers you, I would just close the door and not look at it. This is the sort of dispute that could devolve into a struggle for power and destroy relationships. It sounds like she has had a lot of instability in her life and your organization provides stability, but it sounds like you are in danger of slipping from stabilizing to controlling.
This seems like it is more of an issue of different values–you value organization, your step-daughter values bonding with her mom and having a lot of clothing choices. You can’t teach your step-daughter to value the same things you do.
If the mom has bugs in her house chances are some of those bugs are coming into your home in those shopping bags!!!! NTA
YTA. It’s not just your house. That stepdaughter’s home too!
And just to make it clear… You DON’T have custody of your stepdaughter. Your husband has custody of HIS daughter.
You need to take a step back. You are not her mother.
YTA.
Why are you saying you have full custody?
She is with her mom every weekend. It may not be 50/50 but it’s joint. If she is there Friday after school to Monday that’s 2.5 days so 10 days out of the month. Her mother is an active parent and involved in her life.
Her house does sound like a major hazard, I am not defending that at all. But you’re overstepping, this needs to be on your husband to address with his ex and daughter.
NTA – a nice compromise might be to build a display shelf for the important things, institute a 12-month rule for non-sentimental clothing (where if she doesn’t wear it within a year, it has to go), and have a talk with her about why she feels the need to hold onto these things. It may be that her mother doesn’t know how to healthily express her love and does so by buying silly things, which ends with your daughter holding the objects like a token. I also might be overstepping here, but family therapy including the bio mom might be a worthwhile avenue to explore. That way you can all communicate in a mediated setting and maybe get down to the root of the issue vs the side effects of it.
Backing Consistent Leopard 100%. Find it, read it and do it.
Nta
She can bring what she wants but the rule should be one thing in one thing out
NTA but I would have the dad tell the mom instead if it bothers you so much. Step parenthood is very tricky. Why don’t you teach/tell the young lady instead how to arrange & tidy her room. It can even be a thing you do together once or twice a week. Instead of telling the mom what not to do, teach the daughter how to arrange and organize her room by organizing things in the hierarchy of most used to less likey to be used any time soon. This way, there’s still going to be harmony & no love lost when co-parenting.
If you tell her mom what not to do, it will not end well. And you may lose your stepdaughter too.
NYA: “Mom” is causing chaos in your home and you need to put you foot down.
Best advice I can offer is to help your daughter clean up her room and toss anything that doesn’t have a dedicated storage/display space. When she brings more crap home from mom’s, don’t allow it in unless she can indicate a dedicated place it can be in her room… otherwise it gets THROW OUT!!!
Your whole posts reads like a power trips. It gives the vibe that you probably talk negatively to her about her mother in to prove that you’re a better mother. This is something her dad should handle. He’s the one who decided to have a child with her. YTA.
Info: why isnt your husband handling this issue?
You need to leave these conversations to her dad. You are never going to achieve what you want by opposing her mother. I get where you are coming from, that would drive me up the wall, but this isn’t your place. NAH. Her mom is trying to stay relevant in her daughter’s life by buying her stuff. You being against the stuff is being against her relationship with her mom. You cannot win, however you spin this about being about clutter. Let her dad deal with it.
Have her go through and donate some stuff. If she’s not gonna use it, someone else can
I think Mom is trying to show love and support by providing what she is able to provide for her daughter, who she sees only on weekends. Maybe dad and daughter can go through the new things together, and pick out what she’d like to wear, and then she can take back things that don’t fit or aren’t her style (and other outgrown things maybe) when she goes to mom, so mom can re-sell or redistribute or return or whatever she prefers with the extra items. And daughter can maybe wear something from mom that she liked, when she visits mom. These are gifts from her mom, she doesn’t know how to handle it all, and I’m sure she’d feel awful just being told to just throw these things away. She needs support, and help with some storage methods that are easier for her to use.
I’m glad others are pointing out that your husband doesn’t have full custody. I also know that you refer to yourself as having full custody of his daughter. Are you actually named it all in a custody agreement, or is it the father?
I think that matters like this would best be handled between the two parents. The mother may have compulsive shopping issues. You don’t mention whether custody was disputed, and the mother may be coping with not seeing her daughter that often by continually gifting things to her.
No one except the wealthy or those with off-site storage, can add boxes and boxes worth of new items to their home continually. There are some ways to cope with clutter, including things have to leave if new things are coming in. The daughter shouldn’t have to be put in a position of rejecting her mother, but with no doubt expressing to her daughter how she is constantly in her thoughts and is loved.
If a drawer worth of new clothes come in, then a drawer of old clothes can maybe be donated to Goodwill. Let him talk to his ex-wife and/or daughter. There’s no harm to the daughter, it’s just annoying you.
My mom used to make our stuff disappear while we were at school. Not saying it’s right. Just saying it happened.
YTA because the issue is the lack of responsibility on the child and cleaning her room. Your husband should be making her clean her room and throwing out old clothing if she’s going to continue to bring things. This could be how her mom bonds with her since it’s for the weekend. So there needs to be more accountability on the teenager and how she takes care of her things because as it stands, that’s the only real “control” you guys have.
NTA first of all bravo for stepping up as a meaningful step parent in your step daughter’s life. Most women would have their husband deal with raising the child alone on his parenting time. That being said your husband needs to communicate what is acceptable and not acceptable in your home (collective home since you, husband and step daughter live there)
You’re not wrong, and mostly NTA, but you’re going about this all wrong. Hoarding is an actual mental disorder. In mother’s mind, things are how she shows love and are a way to remind her daughter of her when they’re apart. Your stepdaughter may have some hoarding tendencies herself, or miss her mom, or resent your attempts to parent her and/or interfere with her mother. Forcing her, with clear disdain, to conform to your idea of what’s proper and responsible isn’t going to work out. Family therapy on the other hand could help a lot.
Also, where is the girl’s father in all this? Is he the kind of AH who leaves the parenting and discussions with his ex all to you?
NTA but why isn’t your husband doing anything here? She might be your step daughter but she is still his daughter and he needs to be a parent.
Do you rewrote this to make yourself look better after you got told YTA last week.
Clean her room and only keep what fits in there. Then, New rule. She can’t bring anything else in unless she adds a similar item to the give away box.
If her mom is a hoarder I doubt you will get her to change.
As a step parent myself, I feel like you crossed a line. That kind of communication needs to be done by your husband and not you. Your feelings are valid as it is your home but it’s not your place to parent her mother.
YTA.
I sympathize with you as a stepparent myself. But you should not be interfering here. This is for your husband to address with the child’s mother, not a stepmom issue.
You can and should talk to your stepdaughter about keeping her space tidy and donating things she doesn’t use. But keep that conversation in general terms; this is NOT about things her mother gives her, just tidiness overall. Don’t mention the stuff from her mom at all in these conversations.
NTA it’s strange to buy a bunch of stuff and continue to have nothing kept at her noncustodial parents house.
That being said, it isn’t your place to say this. This conversation needs to be had with the child’s biological parents.
OMG. Your husband (and I get that this feels on you but no. It’s his kid and his relationship with his kids mom). You have the right to expect cleanliness in your home. But you should also understand that your step daughter lives there too. Thrifting is a thing and has always been a thing. Your “random Knick knacks “ might be treasures because you ATIA.. Jaysus. I am sitting in a chair I bought at Goodwill for $5 and had reupholstered. Vintage is a real thing even if you don’t understand it.