I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now after college and she’s been constantly depressed, insecure, and suicidal. I know this sounds horrible but it feels like I’m trapped in this relationship with no escape. Everyday I get hit with a text about how terrible her day is going at work and every conversation we have is about everything going wrong in her life. It’s like I don’t have a life at all and all my energy is taken up comforting her, or at least attempting to which she has told me time and time again I’m bad at.
I constantly have to make up excuses to friends about why I have to flake on plans because she’s having a mental breakdown and I’m at the point where I don’t want to bring her around friends because everytime she freaks out saying how ugly she is when she gets ready and argues with me when I disagree (she is literally gorgeous by the way). This takes hours and usually ends up with her crying and us making it to hanging out with my friends super late and leaving early because she ends up tired and moody. Again, I know this sounds horrible but it’s seriously just sucking the life out of me. Anytime someone asks me to do something I dont even respond because the process of me telling my girlfriend about any sort of plan is so stressful because this happens every single time.
It’s like a constant cloud of negativity and anxiety is over my head at all points of the day. I’m working 10 hours a day and studying for a certification, so it’s like anytime I’m not doing that I’m listening to despair about everything, how she hates people, how terrible everything is, how she doesn’t want to go on living etc.
Suicide is mentioned at least every other day and I’m really reaching my breaking point. We don’t live together and every once in a while I’ll get a text saying “today is my last day alive” or “I’m definitely killing myself tonight”. And then when I respond I get ghosted and when I try to call her she doesn’t answer, then the next day she’ll tell me how I don’t even care. It’s happened so many times that part of me is just annoyed when I receive that text because I have to deal with it. I know that sounds so bad, but it’s like genuinely how I feel because it has happened on and on again for our entire relationship.
She’s told me that if I tell anyone about this it’s what’s going to put her over the edge and make her actually do it. She’s gone to countless therapists, whom have said her mental health is one of the most extreme they’ve seen (or so she told me). She can’t afford therapy due to the high cost of living and I can’t afford it either because I already spend literally all my money on her. She’s extremely sensitive to medication and it has caused her to have major outbursts of anger and sometimes violence.
I just feel like it’s my fault even though I know it isn’t. I’m just constantly trying to help her and it seems like I always make it worse. My physical and mental health is thé worst it’s ever been in my life. I’ve learned so much about mental health through this process but it still just feels so helpless and like I literally can’t do anything to fix it. Anytime she’s in a good mood it’s a sigh of relief but it’s honestly so rare and it’s literally just feels like a massive weight on my life. I feel so stuck in this situation and I just really don’t know what to do.
Sorry for rambling I’ve never posted on Reddit before. I’m honestly scared she’s going to see this so will probs delete soon. Has anyone gone through anything similar and can give me some advice on what to do?
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“She’s told me that if I tell anyone about this it’s what’s going to put her over the edge and make her actually do it.” Hell no. That’s not fair, and emotional blackmailing. You need to tell someone what’s going on—perhaps her parents?—And then get out of there. This situation isn’t fair to you and you would be perfectly justified to leave. You aren’t responsible for her mental health.
As someone who works in mental health and has been in a relationship with someone who was suicidal and had a lot of anxiety, you need to leave. I actually called the cops on my ex once because I was worried he was even hinting suicide and while at the time he was mad at me, later he told me I saved his life. Point blank, you’re not a professional. As someone who also had severe depression and was suicidal and now am living a relatively normal and happy life, you are not responsible. I even in some degrees had some of the behaviours of your gf when I wasn’t well and it never got better until we broke up, I spent time on my own, got help and really reflected. She may try and guilt you and say all sorts of things but at the end of the day she genuinely needs professional support and you need to leave before she drags you down with her.
It truly sounds like you’ve tried to do everything in your power to be supportive and help her so at this point, what can really change? She’s either not capable of change or doesn’t want to and in either case, it’s not something you can really help with. If you need permission or confirmation, this is it. You’re not a bad person and in fact I can tell you really love her and are very caring. But what’s best for both of you is to leave. It’s like the airplane oxygen mask analogy, you can’t help someone else if you don’t help yourself first.
On a different note, you really are on a path to ending up where she is if you don’t leave. She will 100% take you down with her and then blame you. She is drowning and when you go to rescue you, she will drown you too. It’s the kind of thing you can’t fully process until you leave and I can just guarantee you will feel so free once you leave. I’m not saying it will be easy but necessary.
Before you start any kind of conversation, I would take time on your own to make a plan. Can you talk to friends you trust? Family? Your own professional supports? I know you can’t afford therapy but you can try a local crisis line or there is low cost or free therapy depending on where you are. I volunteered at a crisis line and a lot of people find it super helpful to just vent to a stranger and they can likely provide local resources. But I will stress DO NOT try and leave or tell her without making a plan. You don’t know how she will act, and especially with a history of violence or threatening suicide it could be risky. If you need to, you can call the cops or a mental health unit and they will respond. Depending on where you are they have teams of mental health professionals who will come in a van to people in distress without it being cops. Again resources are really location dependent. Also think about the reasons why you need to leave, write it down and when you waver, look at it. Telling people and saying it out loud can really help. Starting is truly the hardest part but I hope you know you are not alone and I commend you for reaching out despite how scared and confused you must feel.
She will ruin your life fully if you don’t leave OP. Sending love and hope everything is ok for you, truly my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best
Sounds like an attention seeker.
It’s evident that you do care about her. All of this really is beyond your scope. Don’t feel bad for setting a boundary because at this point it’s necessary. You both are so young & you both don’t have to go through this alone. Just like first comment suggested, be firm but gentle tell her you can’t do this anymore. As someone who also struggles with mood swings, I’ve come a long way but I realize we do have a responsibility to care for own mental health, definitely with support, but it’s not right to subject people to emotionally manipulative behavior. Wishing you both the best of luck. Life is not easy ❤️
I also use OpenPath which has a plethora of therapists who serve the under insured and have sliding scale fees.
I’ve been on both sides of this. It’s really not healthy for you. And continuing this way isn’t helping her, either. You are not going to save her by being dragged down by her. Actually helping her is a) above your paygrade and b) not going to be effective without her willingness to get help and do the work.
You can get some help for yourself, too, you know. You’re being isolated and you’re dealing with a heavy load. You can encourage her to make a plan to care for herself or you can enlist help from her family before leaving. When I was that depressed, my family was no help; they were the source of my hopelessness, and vehemently opposed to mental healthcare. So look for social resources in her area and connect her with those if that’s the case. You can get your own professional help who can still make better suggestions than I can. Should things go south, you’ll be glad to have done homework on finding these resources for yourself, perhaps even established a therapeutic relationship.
I will say this: when my boyfriend (17) left me(16) for this behavior, I didn’t die. When I(40) left my ex(42) after he’d manipulated me for years with similar behavior, he didn’t either. It broke me though, to have to harden myself and distance myself enough to be willing to deal with that consequence in someone I’d actually married. I came to appreciate what I had put that boy through in my youth, and I’m glad that he freed himself.
The answer isn’t “I’ll never leave you”. The answer is that you both need help. And that you can’t fix her, she has to fix herself. You can be there for her if you can do so safely and you still want to. But you can also help connect her to appropriate resources and skidaddle. If she calls you threatening suicide after you have left, call 811 or lifeline or whatever resources are close to her and ask for a wellness check. Your responsibility ends there and the rest of it is up to her.
I wish the best for both of you. Whether or not you end up together, I hope each of you can find your happiness and peace.
She’s just emotionally manipulative.
Call 911 if you are scared for her. And break up.
Soooo emotional abuse then. She has successfully manipulated you into isolating you from your support network so that all of your attention is on her.
You gotta go, bro. Notify someone – best friend, relative, someone – and you leave and say you can’t do this anymore. And block her on every single platform.
Be prepared for the shit storm thats about to unfold. She will absolutely make you believe she is about to take her life. Your response? Emergency services, give her details AND BLOCK HER ON THE PLATFORMS YOU OVERLOOKED.
She has built herself a codependency that she can only can get rid of if she has the cleanest of breaks. The kindest thing you can do is vanish and disappear.
For her, yes, and for yourself.
And here’s the real talk. If she does? That is ON HER. Not you. You cannot save people. Its impossible. Get out of this alive. Value yourself, love you, and dont ever become someone’s caretaker again. You deserve a partner who can meet you at where youre at.
Her mental health is not your responsibility. You need to stop enabling her behaviour and keep to strict boundaries. Honestly. If she doesn’t want to help herself it’s time to let it go and cut all ties. She has to work on herself, by herself. All the stuff she’s doing is emotional abuse.
mmmm smells like cluster b
has she been diagnosed with anything?
I don’t mean to be harsh with this but you do not have to feel bad about wanting out of that. Your mental health matters too. She sounds manipulative, and even if not, you do not have to be with or stay with a person who is this depressed.
As someone who went through this, put up with it, told everyone I was fine, used to stay at work late because I couldn’t face coming home… you don’t have to live like this. It is WAY too much for one person to bear, her friends and family should be supporting her too. And in a healthy relationship, you support each other.
Ultimately staying with someone in these circumstances is a bad idea. You’ll learn to resent them if you don’t already.
I fucked up in my situation after years of finding things tough and didn’t end things well, at all. It sounds like you’re at least in a position to end things as well as you can.
I would strongly consider ending the relationship but seeing what support can be in place for her – family, friends, emergency services. There is only so much you can do, if she does take drastic action that is on her, not on you. But in your shoes I would think about reaching out to her support network.
And, assuming you end it – speak to YOUR family, and your friends, find your support network. It’s so important, especially for men in my mind, that we don’t try to solve all our problems on our own. You’ve got this. It won’t be easy, but you’ve got this.
You’re inadvertently encouraging her behaviour by continuing to follow her rules, out of genuine fear that she will kill herself. This, in itself, will be slowly destroying any actual affection or love you have for her.
Make note of the texts that mention suicide, killing herself, the threats, etc. Once you have a collection of these, ask to speak with her closest family member and tell them what she is doing. Tell them you are concerned about her welfare and think there is a genuine chance she is going to attempt to take her life, and you can no longer offer the amount of care she requires.
Then you need to tell her this. I would probably choose a public spot, not your home, and explain exactly what you have said here but in a short and concise way. Tell her you cannot stand being treated like this anymore, that her behaviour is making you unhappy, and that it cannot continue. If possible, find somewhere else to stay for a week or so, and go no contact.
This is never going to improve if you continue to allow the behaviour. She is in a cycle of throwing a tantrum to get the reassurance or reaction she feels she needs at that time, with no repercussions. The next stage, if it hasn’t started already, will be to try and separate you from your friends and family, with the same kind of threats.
It is very unlikely that she will kill herself, but if she ever did attempt this, you need to understand that this is her decision and absolutely not your fault. Try and get counseling yourself if you can, as this is an awful thing to go through.
Resolve things now while you still have some way out.
Her life is not your fault all you can do is be a positive influence.
it was a good life experience but you can’t help anyone until you help yourself.
You need to give her space to do what she needs to to heal.
You are not instrumental in a persons internal and self journey of personal evolution. that’s something that happens within a persons mind and internal world.
if she’s suicidal than there’s always the chance she succeeds and you don’t deserve to have to deal with that.