I’m a 20 year old male and my friend (A) is a 19 year old male, and we have been friends for about 3 to 4 years now. Our friendgroup has consistently made jokes to each other that you could consider to be a bit “harsh”. We all consistently call each other things like dumbasses, idiots, morons, etc. But we all know it’s in good fun and we don’t actually mean it. But we have one friend (A) who always seems to take it personally. I was in a call with them earlier today and I tried to make a joke with them saying “yeah they call it a mental illness because it’s in your head dumbass” (for context we were talking about my anxiety btw) which I could understand sounding really mean, but I’ve made these jokes to this person before, but this time I was told to “go fuck myself”. Then the call went silent for a couple minutes and they said they were going to bed. So afterwards I ended up messaging them apologizing for it, but I feel like I shouldn’t have even had to in the first place, but I also feel super guilty. I really like hanging out with him but I’m starting to feel like I have to constantly apologize for things that normally I wouldn’t have to with the rest of my friends, this is like the 3rd or 4th time I’ve had to privately message him and him only, and it’s really affecting me, and I would love some outside opinions on the matter…
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I’m a 20 year old male and my friend (A) is a 19 year old male, and we have been friends for about 3 to 4 years now. Our friendgroup has consistently made jokes to each other that you could consider to be a bit “harsh”. We all consistently call each other things like dumbasses, idiots, morons, etc. But we all know it’s in good fun and we don’t actually mean it. But we have one friend (A) who always seems to take it personally. I was in a call with them earlier today and I tried to make a joke with them saying “yeah they call it a mental illness because it’s in your head dumbass” (for context we were talking about my anxiety btw) which I could understand sounding really mean, but I’ve made these jokes to this person before, but this time I was told to “go fuck myself”. Then the call went silent for a couple minutes and they said they were going to bed. So afterwards I ended up messaging them apologizing for it, but I feel like I shouldn’t have even had to in the first place, but I also feel super guilty. I really like hanging out with him but I’m starting to feel like I have to constantly apologize for things that normally I wouldn’t have to with the rest of my friends, this is like the 3rd or 4th time I’ve had to privately message him and him only, and it’s really affecting me, and I would love some outside opinions on the matter…
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> I made a joke in bad taste to my friend, I said to them “They call it a mental illness because it’s in your head dumbass” and they ended up telling me to “go fuck myself” and ending a call with me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Does this friend also make those sort of jokes at the expense of others in the group? If not, it’s YTA, if so, it’s ESH. People shouldn’t dish out what they can’t take of course, but if you’re just assuming they should be alright with it, because everyone else is alright with it, then that’s your issue, not theirs.
YTA. Calling him a dumbass turned it from a joke about yourself to a personal jab at him. There’s a big difference between gallows humor and being mean to your friend. You were the latter.
YTA
I’m sorry, did you call your friend a dumbass and then tell the whole internet that you didn’t feel like you needed to apologize for it?
If you already knew that A wasn’t OK with your “jokes” (read: just insults from the sounds of it) and you said it anyway, you’re in the wrong. It doesn’t matter if, when you say it to other people, they’re OK with it. Just stop with the “jokes” with him and maybe tone them down in the group if he’s around. It is possible to be friends with someone without insulting them “for a joke”.
YTA
but
I see it like this – if your friendship with these people revolves around being an asshole to each other (which is a choice) and he doesn’t like it, either don’t involve him in the friend group or just be nice to him. But its totally your choice.
NAH
I get the harsh jokes stuff. My friends and I spend our time insulting each other. Because it’s absurd and basically banter pushed to the extreme. Funny.
But some people just don’t like that communication style. It doesn’t mean they’re less fun, or anything, just that they don’t communicate the same way.
The way you wrote this makes you sound young and inexperienced. In life, you’re gonna hang out with allllll types of people. Either because you’ll like different types of people, or because you’ll have to in order to navigate life in society.
So genuine tip: you need to be able to accommodate. You need to learn to adapt to each person’s comfort levels. Not saying you should be fake and submit to anyone and people please, not at all. But everyone in social interactions adapt the way they speak and what they talk about and generally find an implicit compromise between their personalities. That’s social life. People adapt to each other, sometimes in very subtle ways. Sometimes in bigger ways and with explicit communication, especially if in a close relationship that you care about.
So drop the whole discourse about “I shouldn’t have to change anything and it’s affecting ME”, that’s your ego talking because you’re struggling with your feelings about this.
Try talking to him about it. Remember while doing so that both of your opinions and perspectives are equally valid and matter. Apologize for hurting him. Try coming forward frankly and explaining to him where you’re coming from when you make these jokes. That it’s only banter to you, genuinely, and that you do that with others too in the group, and others do it back. Ask him if he understood that before you explained. And then ask him how he viewed the situation, how he feels about those types of jokes. If he doesn’t like them even after he understands they’re jokes, then either adapt and don’t make that kinda jokes with him, or if it’s that much of a deal breaker take your distance. But if you care about him and like him as a person, you should be able to find a way to have a relationship with him without making a specific type of joke. If you don’t like him that much anyway, then you’re not compatible.
Edit Also, sometimes you gotta read the room. Maybe you’ve got some learning to do in that area too. The same joke exactly could not land the same way depending on the situation.
Being English, we call our closest friends a whole lot worse than that. It is banter, I get that.
However, if a friend reacted that way (when they usually don’t), I know I’d be emotionally intelligent enough to figure something is maybe wrong in their life and to have a private chat with them.
So you’re NTA, but I’d personally check up on that friend 😀
If this is the 3rd or 4th time it happened you need to not just apologize, but actually have a discussion with him about how you use these terms and figure out it is still possible to stay friends (is he willing to be okay being jokingly called dumbass, are you willing to be friends with someone you can’t jokingly call dumbass?)
The thing with banter is that it ceases to be banter and turns into being insults and bullying when it is no longer fun for everyone involved. It’s a thing where you gotta know your audience. In groups where banter is the norm, you often find out where its limits are by overstepping them. It seems this is what’s happening here.
Your options are:
There is no option where you tell them that it is ok, so you get to keep on going and telling “jokes” that hurt them.
Choosing 1 or 2 does not make you an asshole, that’s something you can choose freely. But you get an YTA since you tell me this was not the first time but you have just kept on going and expecting them to somehow magically start liking it.
YTA big time. It is only a joke it both people laugh
YTA. You say this person is “always” sensitive yet you continue to do it? That absolutely makes YTA man. You make those jokes with people who are cool with them. If someone has expressed they’re not and you keep doing it, you’re a shit friend.
YTA. Your other friends don’t mind benig called these things, but you clearly unnderstand that this one friend (A) DOES, in fact, mind it. It hurts him. You feel guilty when you do it because you’ve deliberately chosen to do something that you know hurts your friend. That begs the question: why are you still doing this to A, knowing that it hurts him?
The rest of your friends are OK with it, so there isn’t anything to apologize for. But part of friendship is knowing the other person – including what they find acceptable and unacceptable in terms of joking barbs – and, when applicable, adjusting your behavior around them. So why haven’t you done that? Do you like feeling guilty?
Yta it’s only a joke if everyone is laughing. They clearly weren’t so you were just being a bully at that point. My friends and I often joke that if anyone listened to our conversations they would probably think we hated each other. We would never call each other a dumbass
Have you considered he might have feelings for you and he’s doing this to get you to pay special attention to him? Just saying it’s possible y’all.
YTA – I’ve been in both sides of this situation. Maybe they’re a people pleaser and didn’t want to rock the boat. Maybe they’re going through something. In any case they’re not enjoying it anymore. Edgy and dark humour is fine but you gotta know your audience. The fact that it’s affecting you might be your conscience telling you something. You’re gonna keep pushing boundaries and end up offending people. It’s better you learn now than in 10 years you’re like me with regret and burned bridges
Honestly, depends on what kind of humour you all share.