I’m in the midst of a really bad depressive episode. My partner was out with our mutual friends and I have been texting them all day so they know where i’m at mentally. I even told them to please tell me before they get home so I can get up and shower. They told me they would be out all day to night so I didn’t expect them to come home anytime soon.
Mid day, my partner brought a mutual friend over to “give me a hug” unannounced and with no warning. I was on the couch, mid depression, unwashed hair, not showered and they walked in the door together without texting me or warning me.
I reacted badly and said something along the lines of “why would you bring someone over without telling me please go away” and ran into the bedroom so they both closed the door and the mutual friend left. I immediately texted the mutual friend to say sorry and say that I’m not doing okay today and the surprise really threw me off. My mutual friend said she completely understands.
My partner was pissed at my reaction. They yelled at me multiple times that “A FRIEND WAS HERE TO GIVE YOU A HUG. YOUR FRIEND WANTED TO HUG YOU” I tried to tell them that surprising someone during a depressive episode when I specifically asked them to tell me before my partner came home so I could shower wasn’t okay and they just kept yelling YOU’RE NOT HEARING ME. A FRIEND WANTED TO COME OVER AND GIVE YOU A HUG AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER BUT YOU BASICALLY TOLD HER TO GO AWAY.
Now my partner is sitting in another room not talking to me and is extremely angry at me.
TL;DR My mental health isnt great havent showered and my partner brought a friend over to surprise me and I didn’t react well and now they’re mad at me.
AITA?
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I’m in the midst of a really bad depressive episode. My partner was out with our mutual friends and I have been texting them all day so they know where i’m at mentally. I even told them to please tell me before they get home so I can get up and shower. They told me they would be out all day to night so I didn’t expect them to come home anytime soon.
Mid day, my partner brought a mutual friend over to “give me a hug” unannounced and with no warning. I was on the couch, mid depression, unwashed hair, not showered and they walked in the door together without texting me or warning me.
I reacted badly and said something along the lines of “why would you bring someone over without telling me please go away” and ran into the bedroom so they both closed the door and the mutual friend left. I immediately texted the mutual friend to say sorry and say that I’m not doing okay today and the surprise really threw me off. My mutual friend said she completely understands.
My partner was pissed at my reaction. They yelled at me multiple times that “A FRIEND WAS HERE TO GIVE YOU A HUG. YOUR FRIEND WANTED TO HUG YOU” I tried to tell them that surprising someone during a depressive episode when I specifically asked them to tell me before my partner came home so I could shower wasn’t okay and they just kept yelling YOU’RE NOT HEARING ME. A FRIEND WANTED TO COME OVER AND GIVE YOU A HUG AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER BUT YOU BASICALLY TOLD HER TO GO AWAY.
Now my partner is sitting in another room not talking to me and is extremely angry at me.
TL;DR My mental health isnt great havent showered and my partner brought a friend over to surprise me and I didn’t react well and now they’re mad at me.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told them to go away and reacted badly to the surprise. This makes me an asshole because my partner was trying to do a nice thing by bringing a friend over to comfort me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA while I understand that he was trying to help, he was also aware of your mental and physical state. And you’d already asked him and everyone else not to return without warning.
You apologized to your friend for your reaction. They forgave you. The issue is over. The problem needs to be resolved though. Take time to cool off in your respective spaces. Approach him again when everyone is more calm, and AGAIN explain in a calm tone why that upset you. That the embarrassment that you felt from being caught on the couch like that doesn’t help, but makes things worse for you. As your partner, he should want to understand. Hopefully this was this first and last misstep of this kind for you two.
I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.
Depressive episode or not, this is not okay. I would expect my partner to give me a fair amount of warning before bringing anyone into my sanctuary.
NTA. And neither is your friend really, your partner should probably not be your partner for much longer if this is par for the course for them.
NTA. You told them exactly what you needed and they ignored it. Surprise hugs aren’t cute when someone’s in a depressive episode. they should’ve respected your boundaries.
I have severe anxiety. You are definitely not the AH.
They had nice intentions, but the way they went about it was really unkind.
You asked them to let you know if someone was coming over so you could shower. They dismissed that, and then yelled at you. Now they’re angry and giving you the silent treatment.
It can suck and be incredibly draining being the partner of someone who is mentally struggling. I’ve seen how much it impacts on my long term boyfriend. Your partner has the right to be pissed, as it sounds like they were trying to do a kind thing.
What isn’t kind is dismissing and overriding your boundaries, and then gaslighting you later. It doesn’t matter what the situation is – whether it’s mental health related or not – that is an arsehole move. I’d be mindful of whether they show similar behaviour in the future – and also whether your mental health means you are letting people treat you badly because you don’t have the energy to fight.
Take care x
I can see both sides here and it sounds like everyone was trying in their own way. Your partner and friend clearly care about you and probably just wanted to lift your spirits with a kind gesture, which honestly is really sweet and thoughtful. That said, when you’re in a depressive episode, surprises like that can feel overwhelming, even if they come from love. You had communicated your needs and it makes sense that being caught off guard felt like too much in that moment. Your reaction wasn’t about rejecting them, it was about protecting your space. It might help to talk things out once things cool down so they can understand how to support you better next time.
I don’t know the answer, but my experiences of living with a partner who suffers from depression can be really, really challenging. Like having no social life together, missing events that you would love to attend, going out to work and coming home to your partner still being in bed and all the curtains closed. It’s difficult. But I love her. I personally wouldn’t have done what your partner did. What have you done to make your partner happy recently ?
>Mid day, my partner brought a mutual friend over to “give me a hug” unannounced and with no warning.
This is the weirdest shit… Your partner pointedly ignoring your request to let you know when they were coming home so you could clean up shows they at least sometimes are shockingly unconcerned with your needs.
And that whole “you’re not hearing me” thing. If it’d been me in your shoes, THEY would be hearing “fuck you!” That is massively dismissive and only deepens the negative impression I have of your partner.
NTA