Hi everyone,
I really need some advice because my wedding, which should be the happiest day of my life, is starting to feel like a nightmare.
So, a little background. My fiancé, F (27M), and I (25F) have been together for three years. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known. He is kind, compassionate, generous, smart, a total geek, and one of the most hardworking people I have ever seen. He is a doctor, he volunteers all the time, he is always picking up extra shifts to help newer doctors at his hospital, and he somehow still manages to make me feel like the most loved and respected woman in the world. I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky.
He proposed to me this past August and it was perfect. We are both painfully shy and hate being the center of attention, so he took me for a walk on the beach. It was winter, so the beach was completely empty, just the two of us with the sea and the cold air. I love going there in the winter because it feels so peaceful. That is exactly what I wanted, and he knew it. I felt like I was in a dream.
Afterward, we agreed on what kind of wedding we wanted. Small, intimate, meaningful. We thought about a Catholic ceremony in São Paulo followed by an intimate, elegant and peaceful partywith maybe 80 guests, only our closest friends and family. Nothing flashy, just something that felt like us.
But then our families got involved.
Both sides have big expectations and even bigger budgets. I am the first child in my family to get married, and F is the first son. His mother immediately started talking about a big wedding, and at first we laughed and said no way. But then she explained how awful the past two years have been for their family. Three of F’s grandparents passed away recently (two in 2024 and one in 2023), his eldest sister divorced her husband and is raising three kids alone cause her ex is a stupid irresponsible man, his middle sister had a heartbreaking miscarriage after years of trying, his brother was cheated on by his fiancée and had the most painful break up I have ever witnessed someone have, and his youngest sister lost her dream job.
His mom said a big wedding would finally bring some joy to the family. That it would give them a reason to celebrate. She even offered to pay for everything. My mom jumped in right after, saying my parents would also help if she could invite whoever she wanted. So now, our 80 person wedding has somehow exploded into 400 guests. FIVE TIMES BIGGER THAN WHAT I, THE FUCKING BRIDE, WANTED.
And the worst part is that F has changed his mind.
At first, he was just as against it as I was. But now he says it could be a good thing. That it would make our families happy, that it would give everyone a night to celebrate after so much loss, and that he feels like he owes them that. He keeps saying it will be wonderful for everyone, that it will make our mothers proud.
I just feel like everything we dreamed of has been ripped away. I went from five bridesmaids (his sisters and my sister plus my maid of honor) to nine. He is adding cousins he barely talks to into his groomsmen. Every detail we planned together is gone.
And I am honestly panicking. The idea of walking down the aisle in front of 400 people makes me feel like I can’t breathe, I know for a fact I will have a panick attack? I couldn’t even present a seminary in front of my class back in college? How on Earth will I pull out being the center of attention with this many guests present? Also, in Brazil it is tradition to greet every single guest, and while it used to be 80 people, I was even excited for it! But now I can’t even imagine forcing myself to smile and hug 400 people, most of whom I don’t even know. It makes me want to cry and throw up just thinking about it.
I know it sounds selfish, but I keep thinking, why should we change everything for them? I love his family, but a party will not bring back his sister’s baby, it will not undo his brother’s heartbreak, it will not give his younger sister her job back. I want to support them, but is it really fair to sacrifice what should be our day for something that won’t even fix their pain?
The hardest part is that every time I try to bring this up to F, I see how much pressure he feels. He wants to make everyone proud. He doesn’t want to let anyone down. And then I start to feel guilty and selfish for even wanting to go back to our original plan. We both make good money, we don’t need our parents to pay for this wedding, so why can’t we just do it our way?
Right now it feels like I am a guest at my own wedding, and the day I dreamed about is slipping away.
How do I even talk to him about this without sounding ungrateful or heartless? How do I make him understand that this is our day and it should feel like us, without taking away the joy his family is hoping for?
I really need some guidance.
Comments
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I am so sorry this is happening. You need to talk to him. I’m not going to leap immediately to “end this and leave” but I do think how he responds will be important.
1)Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s entirely healthy and necessary, especially when
You could call the whole thing off!
I’ve been with my partner since 1992. He wanted a big wedding, I wanted a tiny one. We couldn’t compromise, so we remained happily defacto (fortunately, we have legal recognition of our union)
I get the pressure from both your families but where does it end? Does their preference and happiness dictate where you live? Your job? The number of kids you have?
You both need to be on the same page about whose desires come first in your decisions for your family (with you and fiancée).
Say no. It’s ok to say no, so say no.
It sounds like your families want a big party. They don’t need your wedding as an excuse to throw one. If they want to bring everyone together to have fun, suggest that they do it outside of the context of your marriage.
Discuss the possibility of a compromise so you can have the wedding you both want and begin your lives together on your own terms. Acknowledge that you understand he wants to make his family happy, but the wedding should be your shared wishes. One idea is for you both to plan and pay for the wedding you want and have the family members who want more involvement organize and fund a separate Family Union event after your wedding, celebrating the joining of your families. This way, they can invite whomever they wish and focus on family connections, rather than making your wedding about them.
Ungrateful for what? For an overwhelming, ostentatious spectacle you never wanted? Why would anybody be grateful for that?
Your wedding is not a tool to make his entire extended family feel better about their lives.
This is a test of your relationship. He is not keeping promises he made to you and he is not prioritizing you personally OR your relationship. It’s an opportunity to for him to commit to putting you first and operating as a united front, and he’s decided to do neither. Ask him if that’s really the tone he wants to set, and ask yourself if that’s the life you want to have with him.
When you get married you need to communicate to express your feelings and thoughts its a joint ceremony as such you shouldn’t be afraid of telling him anything he should want to make things work for you so your happy but in my personal opinion if your afraid to express your fears or discomfort for fear of him being disappointed or angry or any negative emotion then I feel like this could be concerning I mean has he given you reason to feel that way in the past
I’m nearing retirement age, have 2 adult sons. I’ve been married since the mid-80s. I was a young bride, turned 22 six weeks after the wedding.
Stress leading up to the wedding is normal – but trust me, please, when I tell you that it’s about 80% internal. We get wrapped up in the idea of perfection, obsessing over every detail, trying to achieve some sort of impossible aesthetic that we’ve built up in our own mind. Trying to control everything and everyone. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting, and a thief to joy.
Are the mothers jumping in where they shouldn’t and taking over things that aren’t rightfully there decisions? Yes they are. I can say with certainty that they’re driven by excitement. Well-intentioned but over-the-top.
While marriages are private, weddings are public. Their joy, excitement, and involvement is showing you that as a couple, you have an amazing amount of support! Truly! They aren’t telling either of you that it’s a terrible match, maybe you should wait, think it over first. They’ve got your back and actually care. That’s something special.
I suggest stepping back and let them have their little party planner fun. Select a few things that really matter to you and you won’t change, like selecting flowers, choosing your own dress, deciding the color theme, and maybe even menu selections.
It’s your day, yes. And it is your fiance’s day too. And it is a day for the entire family near and far as each family welcomes a new member. It’s not only about the bride. You are both being enthusiastically welcomed with open arms. Bask in it!
On the day of the wedding, when the doors open and you look down the center aisle, you won’t see anything else but your husband to be. When we came home after our honeymoon, one of the funniest things was hearing from other people all of the crazy things that happened during the ceremony and I didn’t even notice. A child from the congregation ran up and for a moment actually stood between us. One of my bridesmaids fainted. Someone had to stand up and leave with a crying baby. I saw or heard none of it. Your attention is going to be somewhere else. And in 40 years, you’ll remember only the happy parts and Wonder why you put so much energy into all that worry.
Go do karaoke with your meanest friends. Trust me. You won’t be nervous about it after that.
Great idea! Small intimate wedding you both want and then a much more relaxed event later for both families.
Information diet for both sides of the family.
They will find out what’s going on with the wedding, AT the wedding. Np they can not invites grandma’s best from from the war days, or uncles childhood friends because you met them a handful of times. No family you have not seen in X amount of time. You dint need to make it a family reunion. If you 10 people there, thats how its will be. If you want 200, thats how it’ll be. Don’t let others dictate how you’re doing your day!
If they keep pushing for details or invites to cousin Sally’s dog trainer (or whatever) tell them to knock it off or they will not be invited.
Have you told him that, explicitly, that you feel panicky at just the idea of this? That you are afraid you’ll turn into the Runaway Bride if this is what it turns into? (Watch the movie if you don’t get that reference lol).
It’s really, really important that you start your marriage off on the right foot. That doesn’t mean the wedding, it means feeling like you both are a team starting a new life together. That you can talk to each other about anything without fear, because this person is the one who will be on YOUR side, for life.
So stop being afraid to tell him how you feel! The worst that can happen is you find out that he cares more about other people’s opinions than yours. That will absolutely suck, because it might mean he’s not actually the right person for you to marry, but better to find that out BEFORE going through with a wedding you hate. Because it won’t just be the wedding, it will affect every facet of your lives, if he isn’t the guy that has your back. So talk to him, and find out.
You dont owe everyone else a party to help them recouperate from their loss. That is absurd. The wedding is supposed to be about you and your husband to be and nothing else.
Have the wedding you want to have. You can even elope and have the quiet ceremony you want with only your closest friend in attendance. Let the familes have a family reuinion if they need healing from something. End of story.
You don’t have to walk down the aisle with anyone watching and as they’re not listening to your needs, I would say you have two choices:
1). Tell them they can have their party but the wedding itself will be small & intimate and exactly how you want it
or
2). Tell them the whole thing is off and you both elope.
It’s YOUR day – if they want a party to ‘bring the families together’, they can do that separately to your wedding. You will regret it if you don’t act now.
Good luck 🤞🏻