It is not an issue of drinking too much. We go out drinking maybe 2 times a month. We have been dating 3 years and out of nowhere the last 8 months or so she just turns very mean. It is always when we get home. Everything is normal when were out with ourselves or with friends but once we get through the door she is calling me every name under the sun. She isn’t aggressive or loud she is just kind of sluring her words calling me an asshole and telling me she does not love me or I am weird or too fat. When it first happened I took it super serious but she had no memory of it and apologized and said she had a stressful day or something. Then it happened a couple more times. Once it was every time she had a little too much to drink, at some point I stopped confronting her about it. We weren’t getting anywhere. And 99.99% of the time she is the perfect gf. Incredibly loving and caring to me and goes out of her way to show her love.
Sometimes its kind of funny but she cuts deep and I just don’t understand where it comes from. Its weird now because its turned into this thing I can’t really speak about. She insists she does not know why she does it. She’s very sorry and it depresses her that she does this but it just always happens again. Yes we could just stay away from drinking entirely but at the same time it is a small part of what we do and we still have fun on dates and with friends, its just that last 10 minutes of the night.
The curious thing is that I have seen her drink a lot. We definetly partied more when we first met. And it seems like she could have one drink or 10 and she blacks out the same. I have asked her if theres any meds she takes that I don’t know about. It reminds me of people who are on antidepressants and get wasted off of one beer. But living together 2 years and everything I would know or have seen her sneaking it. She is a thin girl and we have talked about her eating more on nights she is going to have a few but I watched her eat enough to feed a small army and it still happened. We are both curious why she blacks out so hard but obviously the bigger issue is her behavior.
She insist there is nothing to worry about and she doesn’t actually feel this way about me but still it feels weird to have her tell me these things to my face and just wake up and act like nothing happened. She definitely has unresolved trauma from ex’s and her dad but if thats the case why does it only come out the last 10 minutes of the night when she’s drunk.
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The alcohol removes the filter.
She’s saying how she really feels…
Wow, I’m so sorry. This sounds like something it would be worth taking to a therapist about. She maybe can do some exercises to work through harder is causing her to do this
In my experience, her true self came out when she drank
Dump her, she says mean things whilst drunk, how long until her drinking results in her becoming physically violent and you end up as a domestic abuse victim
If she acts like that when she’s drunk, then she is in fact drinking too much. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole. If she can’t handle herself, then she needs to stop. She’s not being truthful about it either. Those things she’s saying are coming from somewhere. They aren’t random.
It doesn’t matter if it only happens for 10 minutes every now and then, you don’t treat your partner like that, period. Her words matter and they are hurting you or you wouldn’t be here asking this question. Over time this will just lead to more and more resentment, or cause you to have insecurities about yourself or your relationship. It’s not okay for her to be doing that or to be so dismissive about it.
Whatever the reason is for her acting this way, it’s not something you have to accept and for the sake of your relationship it’s probably better to not accept it and keep searching for a solution.
I don’t see a reason to think she is lying about her feelings. There’s no reason to think she’s lying about the blackouts either, but if it is true that she always has blackouts, then that sounds like something a medical professional should weigh in on. I don’t agree with you that the blackouts are less severe than her behavior. Regular blackouts are a pretty serious medical issue. I don’t want to downplay the behavior, but you have a lot more options to address those when she actually remembers why she is doing it.
My most concrete suggestion would be to start recording this behavior. Show it to her and let her decide how to handle it. It’s only really becomes a relationship issue when she is unwilling to deal with it. The first step I would suggest to her is to find a solution to the medical problem. Both of you should treat it with the priority that it is.
You also said that it has become hard to bring up this subject. It is probably best to try hard to keep doing that anyway. Especially if there turns out to be an underlying medical reason for the blackouts. As for the behavior itself, some people are just bad drunks.
I can’t imagine that a medical professional will be okay with her regularly inducing a black out by drinking. If no solvable cause can be found she likely needs to stop drinking for her own health. If for some reason she wants to continue drinking while blacking out, then you can also use the video recordings as an anchor for conversations about her behavior. But I would only start with that process after the blackouts are dealt with (or when it becomes clear she doesn’t want to deal with the blackouts).
People are generally more honest when they’re drinking because the alcohol makes them unafraid to speak their mind. So she does mean those things that she’s saying and she needs to take accountability for them. Y’all need to have a serious talk.
Have you ever videoed her doing this. There is something she is hiding from you.
OK, this is a red flag. And red flags mean stop. They don’t mean ‘tread carefully’
If it was a one off it’s one thing this is consistently happening. If you want to salvage this go to a couples therapist as this is a deep root issue she is suppressing even from her own conscious self. It’s only going to get worse. If she stops alcohol it will manifest in a different form.
When you’re drunk, the truth comes out.
Sounds like she shouldn’t drink at all. She can’t handle it.
>telling me she does not love me or I am weird or too fat
in vino veritas. These words aren’t coming out of thin air. If you want to hitch your wagon to a mean drunk that isn’t nice to you and probably doesn’t love you have at it. There are so many other people out there it always baffles me why people want to take on a ‘project’
I don’t know man, i’ll tell you this. when im drunk with my friends and their wasted, they sometimes pour out their hearts in a friendly way of course. but when they are sober, not a peep. they repress those feelings more.
Alcohol is literally the worst drug for people. It destroys inhibitions and critical thinking skills. People act and say things they would never say or feel when sober and I mean never. People will tell you “in vino veritas” or “in wine there is truth”…bullshit. 20+ year recovered alcoholic and I did and said things that were so far out of character for me. It opens up parts of your brain that are intentionally kept subdued because we all have crazy intrusive thoughts and ideas that do not represent who we are. That all being said, she need to abandon the sauce, for good. If she can’t handle it, she has to let it go. Life is better without it. Good music and good friends and good food and good atmosphere are all the things people need for a good time. If alcohol is needed to enjoy them then therapy is needed to address that.
Video and show it back to her.
That’s how she feels about you inside. Alcohol removes the filter and she is speaking her true thoughts, unfortunately. I’m sorry
What is she drinking? I have seen some hard liquor doing this to people. Making them unreasonable and then they can not remember.
Everyone else on this thread seems to think she means it, and she might, but I would not be so sure of it.
Record her at her worst drunk and send it to her when she’s sober so she can actually SEE what she’s like while drunk. If she can’t take accountability after witnessing herself in 4K then you may have to seriously consider cutting alcohol out or cutting her out.
Make her quit. Dump her if she refuses.
Break up with her. It’s abusive behaviour. This will only get worse. You’re not married.
Try filming her on your phone when she is like this. Then show her the next day. It can be quite an eye-opener. Some types of alcohol can affect people in different ways, but it does sound like she has some unresolved issues.
Damn bro, this sounds rough. I feel you. What’s messing with my head reading this is how she’s “perfect” 99.99% of the time… except for that one dark switch that flips when alcohol’s in the mix. And the worst part? It’s aimed right at you. That’s not something to just shrug off, even if she’s sweet and sorry the next day.
You’re not crazy for feeling weird about it. You can love someone deeply and still say, “Yo, this is not okay.” The blacking out sounds serious too. Whether it’s meds, trauma, or something else, her saying “there’s nothing to worry about” doesn’t fix the fact that you’re getting verbally wrecked every time she drinks. It is something to worry about.
You shouldn’t have to brace yourself for verbal abuse like it’s just part of date night. If she’s serious about healing, y’all need to stop brushing this off as a “drunk thing” and maybe talk to a therapist together. If not, ask yourself how long you’re willing to deal with this version of her, even if it’s “just” 10 minutes a night.
Because that 10 minutes adds up. You have to decide if you want to keep staying with her or call the relationship off.
This is abusive. Please look for other similar signs. Sometimes they are overlooked.
Videotape her and show her the next day. Speak frankly that it has to stop through either therapy or by her stopping drinking.
Sober thoughts are drunk actions
I would not be with this person any longer. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them and it continues to happen when they drink too much? It is abusive and it feels like her true feelings for you are coming out. I am so sorry.
Lol it’s a scam. Yes I believe someone can get blackout drunk and not remember anything. But if not every single time that you drink your going to black out I don’t care who you are it’s bullshit and for those sayi g otherwise your fucking lying and we know you are. It’s because they got all fucked started a scene and now they are living in the guilt of it and feel stupid and embarrassed about how childish they were acting and.so the best way to get past it and not have the other person dwell on it is to say I don’t remember because then can’t argue about shit.you don’t remember right. And another thing to remember is that the truth always “ALWAYS” comes out when your drunk. Or she’s fucking around on you and thats why she’s always nice sober trying to cover her tracks and not cause suspicion and an asshole when she’s drunk cause the truth coming out but she’s smart enough to know how far to take it when she says stuff about you and not come out saying she’s cheating..
She’s angry at you. She needs to figure that out and quit her shit. It sounds borderline abusive.
No dude, you don’t wanna be with that
It actually is an issue with drinking too much. Pull your head out of the clouds.