My fiance and I have been together for 4 years now. We met in weird stages of our lives and found comfort in each other, so we moved pretty quickly in our relationship but we were happy. I had gotten away from my abusive ex and he was trying to get away from his abusive father, so it worked out perfectly to start over, move in together and start our lives. Since day one, his father has hated me. By extension, his father’s girlfriend, aunts and uncles, he had my fiance’s little sister hating me too. I truly believe it’s because I helped my fiance get out from under his father’s thumb and go after HIS dreams, not his father’s.
I’ve tried the entire time to win his family over. I’ve been the bread winner/caregiver while my fiance dealt with his mental health issues, I’ve attended family dinners and events, put up with his extended family’s crazy drama (including breaking into our house over rumors his father’s girlfriend spread), etc. I feel like I’ve done everything I possibly can to be “good enough” and I’m tired of trying. His family always invites me over, saying how we’re all family, but turns around and tries to convince my fiance to break up with me. Some of his extended family even tried to start drama with me at his grandmother’s funeral! There’s been drama since day one and I’m tired of them being two-faced. Recently, his father said he doesn’t owe me an apology for anything they’ve done and said about me, so that was it for me.
I told my fiance I won’t be dealing with his family anymore. I hate that he still tries so hard to be “good enough” for his father and keeps hoping he’ll change, but maybe that’s something he has to learn on his own. I’ve been there, done that with my own abusive father. The problem is that he blames me, saying I’m keeping him from having a “normal” birthday and he refuses to visit his family without me, saying it’ll make him look bad. I would never keep him from seeing his family, but I’m setting up a boundary for myself and my own mental health now. Being around them is very triggering for me.
I will say that it’s not like he hasn’t defended me. He definitely does all the time. He has “chosen” me over his family many times when shit has gone south, but there’s still a part of him that wants a relationship with his father and that’s where the issue comes in, because I really don’t think his father or some of his family members can change and be kind people. I think there will always be drama and two-faced bullshit.
So, AITH for wanting to protect myself and finally putting my foot down?
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My fiance and I have been together for 4 years now. We met in weird stages of our lives and found comfort in each other, so we moved pretty quickly in our relationship but we were happy. I had gotten away from my abusive ex and he was trying to get away from his abusive father, so it worked out perfectly to start over, move in together and start our lives. Since day one, his father has hated me. By extension, his father’s girlfriend, aunts and uncles, he had my fiance’s little sister hating me too. I truly believe it’s because I helped my fiance get out from under his father’s thumb and go after HIS dreams, not his father’s.
I’ve tried the entire time to win his family over. I’ve been the bread winner/caregiver while my fiance dealt with his mental health issues, I’ve attended family dinners and events, put up with his extended family’s crazy drama (including breaking into our house over rumors his father’s girlfriend spread), etc. I feel like I’ve done everything I possibly can to be “good enough” and I’m tired of trying. His family always invites me over, saying how we’re all family, but turns around and tries to convince my fiance to break up with me. Some of his extended family even tried to start drama with me at his grandmother’s funeral! There’s been drama since day one and I’m tired of them being two-faced. Recently, his father said he doesn’t owe me an apology for anything they’ve done and said about me, so that was it for me.
I told my fiance I won’t be dealing with his family anymore. I hate that he still tries so hard to be “good enough” for his father and keeps hoping he’ll change, but maybe that’s something he has to learn on his own. I’ve been there, done that with my own abusive father. The problem is that he blames me, saying I’m keeping him from having a “normal” birthday and he refuses to visit his family without me, saying it’ll make him look bad. I would never keep him from seeing his family, but I’m setting up a boundary for myself and my own mental health now. Being around them is very triggering for me.
I will say that it’s not like he hasn’t defended me. He definitely does all the time. He has “chosen” me over his family many times when shit has gone south, but there’s still a part of him that wants a relationship with his father and that’s where the issue comes in, because I really don’t think his father or some of his family members can change and be kind people. I think there will always be drama and two-faced bullshit.
So, AITH for wanting to protect myself and finally putting my foot down?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my fiance I won’t be going to his family get together for his birthday and he thinks I’m in the wrong and ruined his birthday plans.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It’s your partner’s birthday, how do they want to spend the day? It sounds like he wants to spend it with you and his family. If you don’t want to go, okay, they’ll be disappointed. But it’s them or me is never helpful.
It’s not your birthday. Why would what you want matter for HIS birthday? YTA
NTA but in your shoes, I would go to support him. I would just keep all of my thoughts to myself, engage with the family as little as possible, and get through it.
Nope, sorry, NTA. You say that your fiancé has protected you, but clearly that protection has limits. For my own mental health I wouldn’t want to be continually subjected to attacks and drama. He may try to protect you from the attacks when they occur after the damage has been done, but he is unwilling to protect you from them happening in the first place.
His family is toxic, they will always be toxic. Your fiancé is still clearly under his father and family’s thumb. Until he can break off from them and at least go extremely low contact, you will be dragged along as long as you remain together.
NTA. You might go to support your partner against this negative crowd. Not medical advice ( lol ) but I’d take an alprazolam or two and leave as early as possible.
NTA as long as you are open to him celebrating with them on his own.
However you need to realise that you cannot marry a man if you refuse to hang out with his family and he’s not fully accepting of that. He and his family is a package deal, and you’re just not compatible.
NTA. Although I’d bet your partner wants you around for his birthday. Also i think you should show up just to make sure his family doesn’t start turning him against you. I might have a personal bias, but victims of abuse need their advocates more than ever in situations where they’re surrounded by their abusers. Best of luck to both of you.
NTA at all. A very reasonable boundary.
But this does draw a line for an issue that will be in you rrelationship for the forseeable future. How will you and he manage his family relationship going forward?
And is it worth it, especially if you can’t get on the same page?
YTA. As the child of abusive parents and a crazy family, it’s really fucking hard to come to the point of giving up on ever having some kind of normal relationship. It was a relief when my mother died because I could finally stop hoping she would actually act like a mother and be interested in me.
My husband doesn’t get it. He thinks I should just walk away from the whole crazy mess. He thinks if I do that I’ll be “happier”. But that would mean admitting defeat. persisting is what has kept me alive and gotten me through all of the shit. To just give up goes against every fiber of my being.
But, know what? My husband loves me and supports me. We have come to a happy medium of events we attend with my family and how long we stay.
NTA That’s a solid boundary for you, and very reasonable under the circumstances. Hold the line. (Edit to add: these will be your in-laws and your children’s grandparents, aunts and uncles if you have kids with this man. Don’t take that lightly.)
NTA because he can go on his own and it’s unfair of him to put the blame you if he doesn’t.
This isn’t a good long term solution though. You’ll need to figure something out before the wedding. Sounds like you and he could do with some pre-marriage therapy.
NTA. You guys aren’t realizing that since op is in the picture the fathers abuse has turned to her! She has put up with it for 4 years to no improvement. She isnt wrong for not wanting to be subjected to the family abuse. She isnt telling him he cant visit his family either, she just does want to go.
NTA! Don’t let him force you to spend time with his family! They hate you so why should you keep subjecting yourself to mistreatment and disrespect! If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t ask you to basically be the punching bag for his family just so he can be comfortable visiting them! Absolutely not! You should think of leaving this relationship as all the signs point to this not working out or ending badly! Choose yourself but whatever you do don’t go back to his family’s homes! I go nowhere I’m not welcomed, regardless of who wants me to go! He is wrong and is gaslighting you into feeling like it’s your fault he can’t see his family! When in actuality he still wants acceptance from them and will put you through whatever just so he can be around an abusive father. I don’t respect that, traumatic childhood or not!
“You aren’t defending me when we go to these family things, which makes me defend myself, which makes a giant blow up – then everyone blames me for destruction of the event, so this is a no-go for me.”
” You know I think that you should not strive for your father’s approval, but if you do want to, then you have to going to go to that toxic place by yourself. If you agree to completely defend me, every single time when your father or someone else says something, then I will go, but only then. I think it’s easier if you go by yourself”
He said if he goes without you, it’ll make him look bad? They’ve been trying to break you up this whole time! Would they not be overjoyed to see him without you? Blaming you? Take that ring off right now and leave him. Blaming you is absolutely, inexcusably out of line. Absolutely no part of this is your fault. Unacceptable.