Story time!
This one is my own personal experience. So I got married two years ago. I invited my brother and his then girlfriend (now fiancee), and of course they attended.
Wow that’s beautiful right? But there was a little trouble in paradise at my wedding, she showed up in a floor-length white dress. Not off-white o, Not cream color. This aunty showed up in WHITE!.
So who’s the bride now, this girl want to steal my shine.
Several people asked her about it and she just said “it’s not a big deal that at least she looks more pretty than the bride(me)” I felt ashamed but I didn’t want to cause drama on my happy day because that wasn’t the first time she tried to get on my nerves. She’s so rude and talks anyhow without remorse. I wonder how my brother copes truly they say love is blind. Anyways I won’t let the devil win, so I let it go.
After the wedding, I brought it up to my brother privately and told him how I felt that it was inappropriate. He said I was overreacting. Me, overreacting for feeling belittled on my wedding day, no problem. I just let it slide away but honestly it left a bad impression for me. I kept my distance from her since then, though I was never outwardly rude to her.
So now, he’s planning his wedding and approached me to use my backyard for their “small, casual wedding,” because I own a backyard that’s not big and not small but it’s nice enough to host a small event I hesitated. I eventually told him I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement. He continued persisting, so I reminded him about what happened at my wedding and said I didn’t feel like the boundary or how I felt was respected back then, so I’m not really eager to get my backyard involved in their wedding.
He got really upset and said I was holding a grudge over a “dress” and for what his fiancée said years ago. He also said they can’t afford a venue and thought family would be willing to help. Our parents think I’m being petty, especially since I have the space and it would “cost me nothing.”
But honestly… it’s not about the space. It’s about feeling disrespected, ashamed and belittled ,not wanting to host people who didn’t respect my feelings. I’d still have to deal with cleanup, liability, etc. It’s not just nothing, it’s me stressing myself for people who won’t go miles for me. Maybe I might change my mind, but until then.
So my people, I ask, did I do wrong?
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Story time!
This one is my own personal experience. So I got married two years ago. I invited my brother and his then girlfriend (now fiancee), and of course they attended.
Wow that’s beautiful right? But there was a little trouble in paradise at my wedding, she showed up in a floor-length white dress. Not off-white o, Not cream color. This aunty showed up in WHITE!.
So who’s the bride now, this girl want to steal my shine.
Several people asked her about it and she just said “it’s not a big deal that at least she looks more pretty than the bride(me)” I felt ashamed but I didn’t want to cause drama on my happy day because that wasn’t the first time she tried to get on my nerves. She’s so rude and talks anyhow without remorse. I wonder how my brother copes truly they say love is blind. Anyways I won’t let the devil win, so I let it go.
After the wedding, I brought it up to my brother privately and told him how I felt that it was inappropriate. He said I was overreacting. Me, overreacting for feeling belittled on my wedding day, no problem. I just let it slide away but honestly it left a bad impression for me. I kept my distance from her since then, though I was never outwardly rude to her.
So now, he’s planning his wedding and approached me to use my backyard for their “small, casual wedding,” because I own a backyard that’s not big and not small but it’s nice enough to host a small event I hesitated. I eventually told him I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement. He continued persisting, so I reminded him about what happened at my wedding and said I didn’t feel like the boundary or how I felt was respected back then, so I’m not really eager to get my backyard involved in their wedding.
He got really upset and said I was holding a grudge over a “dress” and for what his fiancée said years ago. He also said they can’t afford a venue and thought family would be willing to help. Our parents think I’m being petty, especially since I have the space and it would “cost me nothing.”
But honestly… it’s not about the space. It’s about feeling disrespected, ashamed and belittled ,not wanting to host people who didn’t respect my feelings. I’d still have to deal with cleanup, liability, etc. It’s not just nothing, it’s me stressing myself for people who won’t go miles for me. Maybe I might change my mind, but until then.
So my people, I ask, did I do wrong?
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> 2. i feel it makes me an asshole because its my family am dealing with here. but nevertheless, i was disrespected, i did what i felt was right.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
‘No’ is a complete sentence. You don’t owe him an explanation. Just the issues of liability and the clean-up would be enough of a reason.
she is both sister in law and auntie! nice
NTA that woman wouldn’t be welcome to set foot inside my home let alone get married in it.
NTA.
They didn’t respect you then and still don’t. Stay firm on this.
IF you host it Host it but wear your wedding dress. Tell your brother that’s the condition, tell everyone, but not her.
Also NTA for saying no. THEY don’t deserve your generosity without respect.
Hell no NTA. It’s long past time for your brother and his fiance to learn that there are social consequences for bad behavior, and that includes not being able to lean on fmaily for favors when you treat them with blatant disrespect. I hope you stick to your guns and keep their wedding out of your home.
NTA. They damaged their relationship with you. So now it’s damaged, and maybe you don’t feel like helping them so much. Understandable.
Do it. And wear your wedding dress!!
Nta. no is an answer. seems like she has not heard it before. your family can book a park or something.
NTA.
She FA and FO.
I notice that your parents haven’t offered their own back yard, and your brother and future SIL also aren’t having the wedding at theirs.
Nope NTA. Tell them she has already played bride at your expense. You are not obligated to help them. Even though they are family. Tell them to look for public parks if they cant afford a venue
u/Efficient-Diver3835 NTA.
It is widely known that any dress that could be considered remotely bridal gown “adjacent” is a big NO.
Your brother AND his fiancee didn’t seemingly check in with anyone on that matter AND IF they did, THEN they ignored the advice received.
Don’t respect the bride, live with that decision and its consequences.
NTA. Just say no. You don’t have that kind of relationship with her to literally host her wedding. Nope. Something will happen and somehow you’ll be to blame. Also do you want all the guest in your house? Or porta potties in your yard. A tent for weather? Don’t do it. It will become a nightmare…
NTA – be petty and yes of course you’re holding a grudge. Why are you letting them walk all over you…..
Your parents are welcome to spring for a venue if they feel like you’re wrong. NTA
NTA. Tell your brother there’s a cost involved with disrespecting your wedding, and that cost is no favours for him or his wedding.
Nothing wrong. You’d bet she will have her relatives and friends stomping all over your house and especially your bathrooms.
“I don’t know why you’re overreacting about this. I just don’t want to host your event.”
NTA. She kinda ruined your wedding so I wouldn’t give her any grace for her wedding. As you said – it’s stressing over people who won’t do the same for you. She already disrespected you and I have a sneaking suspicion that she doesn’t care what she did to you and will do it again and again. Stand firm on your boundaries.
NTA. Too bad you can’t announce your pregnancy at their wedding.
Absolutely NTA. If it were me, I’d tell him that not only is there no way in hell it’s happening in my yard but I wouldn’t even attend. Your brother and FSIL are huge assholes.
NTA.
Just say “no”
He wanted to allow his fiancé to ruin your wedding. Let them figure something else out if they can’t afford a wedding maybe they should go to the courthouse. And if anybody had has anything to say, let them volunteer their yard it’s not your responsibility and honestly, his fiancé sounds insufferable and I would worry about damage and if anybody gets hurt, you be held accountable. You’ll have a bunch of people roaming around your house, possibly making messes drunks, etc., and you’ll wind up cleaning it
NTA.
Tell them to go to the courthouse and get married there. Bonus…there will probably be multiple other women there in white wedding dresses.
NTA. While your parents are technically correct in that it won’t cost you money, it will cost you more peace of mind. But petty Betty me would okay this and then show up in my own wedding dress. Hey, she set the standard 2 yrs ago.
NTA, please where a white dress and do full hair and makeup for their wedding. She FAFO
NTA- although if you ultimately decide to let your brother use your yard, you should definitely decorate it with multiple photos on easels of you and your husband on your wedding day. And a big photo in whatever bathroom guests would use.
NTA Tell them that words and actions have consequences. She chose what she said and did on your wedding day and this is the natural and proper result. You didn’t pursue it at the time, but you have no inclination to go out of your way for to do this for their wedding after what she pulled at yours. Because you have self-respect, you will not allow any of them to once again hand-wave things away as if you have to just accept blatant disrespect and hurtfulness as if it was nothing. No.
It looks like it’s payback time for her poor choice during your wedding and that’s unfortunate but that was her own doing. NTA.
NTA she’s a gross person.
No never but also show them pics of white gowns you’re thinking of wearing to their wedding (don’t actually) and turn it back on them that they’re over reacting if they fuss.
If you were somehow pressured into doing it, charge them for clean up fee. Idk why your own parents thought it was appropriate to wear an essentially wedding gown to someone’s wedding. Or is it because your parents are just happy their golden boy is finally getting married?
NTA
NTA
Brother is completely wrong for pushing this. His fiancee was astonishingly rude to you at your own wedding. If they have the nerve to keep demanding the use of your yard, they would need to own her behavior at your wedding and not only apologize, but make some sort of amends.
Tell him to get a second job. Rent a venue
NTA, but let them use your yard and as others are saying, wear a white dress.
Consequences to her actions
NTA
Just curious- are you going to wear a white dress to her wedding – since “it’s not a big deal. “?
I sincerely doubt that it will be a “small, casual wedding.”
I would expect they would invite more people than they would admit to, leave all the mess for you, break your most valuable possessions, and find ways to insult your home.
Nope, nope, nope
NTA
You should let them host the wedding and wear the prettiest floor length white dress you can find.
I would have agreed, then abruptly cancel much closer to the wedding. NTA
No. Assholes don’t get to expect favors from anybody.
NTA
You did fine. However, now is your time to shine in a beautiful white gown as the hostess of the event. NTA.
Backyard weddings are a huge liability. Sounds great in theory and “cheap” for the couple, but don’t fool yourself into believing they won’t expect you to upgrade this, change that, move another thing, buy 10 more. Where will these people park? What kind of restroom facilities will he needed? Will they be allowed inside your home? What if someone breaks an ankle or cuts themselves on a broken glass? I could go on and on. It’s not a simple matter and all the work would fall on you along with the responsibility. This is your home, not a banquet hall. All feelings aside for the tacky bride to be, this is just not something you should do. Stay strong and good luck. NTA.
NTA – you aren’t “holding a grudge over a dress”. It wasn’t a dress. It was an attempt to embarrass you, outshine you, and hurt you, on your wedding day.
Now they expect you to forget it happened, just because time passed even, though there was no apology, and presumably no change in behavior.
NTA but You should show up to their wedding in your wedding dress, and pass out photos of her at your wedding.
Host it. Wear your wedding dress.
NTA. Let him use the backyard and return the favor by wearing your own white dress. If the bride flips her wig then shut that shit down hard and end the event immediately. Go NC after that.
Nope. Nope. Nope. People like your soon to be SIL ( and possibly your brother)see being polite, tactful and taking the high road as weakness. Set her straight now, and tell her exactly why. Ignore your parents and your brother, they just want an easy way out. If you give in on this the SIL will escalate the passive aggression toward you until she feels she has the upper hand. Nip it in the bud, and if it causes a screaming match so be it.
Absolutely NTA!
NTA – Keep the petty people far from you. And remember, “No, is a complete sentence. ” Don’t keep having this conversation. You have said no, be done with it.
It would absolutely cost you something. It would cost you your peace. It already is. And no is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone further explanation or conversation on the matter.
If they bring it up again, pull the petty and send them pictures over the top, stage stealing dresses and and ask if this is ok for their wedding. Or send them group chat pics of wedding dresses for her that are equally insane. I’m talking CRAZY. Pick some crazy dresses. Hot pink, leopard sequins, really shine or ask them questions about the menus and how they’ll handle food allergies, vegan, etc. Just ask questions about the things people stress over and walk away.
So when he says again that you’re “holding a grudge over a dress” you just say to him ‘yes, I am’ and go about your business. If they can’t afford a wedding they can get married at the courthouse.
If they do get a place to get married, make sure you wear a white dress and tell her it’s no big deal, it’s just a color. Bring a backup dress just in case they “accidentally” spill wine on you. NTA
NTA – having people over at your house does cost you something- your time in cleaning up the house and making sure everything is there. That is stressful enough. Can you imagine the stress you would be having prepping your home for a function that is t even yours?
I would just say no. Plumbing won’t handle lots of people, your insurance won’t cover parties. Look up parks and other nice restaurants that they can have the event at.
NTA. I would never host a wedding at my house unless they are HIRING for set up, tear down, a deep clean before and after, and extra bathrooms. Not ‘doing it ourselves’ because I’m not going to deal with people bailing or half assing and I absolutely don’t want to do it for them. Their event shouldn’t be a burden on anyone else. And they’d also need event insurance because we are not claiming on my homeowners insurance. Bottom line, a wedding is a huge event no matter the size of the guest list.
At first I was gonna say hell no but looking at the comments it makes sense to say yes and then show up with a long white dress yourself. Ideally the same one you wore for your wedding.
Do it and wear your wedding dress to her wedding. I mean it’s just a dress, right? She can’t throw you out because it’s your house.
Let them use your back yard. Show up in your wedding dress. It’s no big deal, right?
Make them pay insurance and outside potties…
Show your parents and your brother Every. Fucking. Comment on here.
Let them use the yard but not the kitchen or bathrooms. Insurance liability you know.
NTA. And it would cost you something. Prep and clean up. And that is a lot. They can rent a space in a public park next summers. That can be as little as $25. Heck you can gift them that.
NTA. If you do decide to be nice and host it, show up in your wedding dress.
I would buy a white dress and go like this
NTA. She can have HER wedding at HER house ffs!
Make sure someone is home that week. Make sure your gates are locked and that only you and your partner have keys to the locks.
The SiL is shady enough to make herself the center of your wedding, she’s probably shady enough to try setting up in your yard anyway to pressure you into letting them do it.
“Well it’s already set up and ready to go…”
NTA.
NTA, but it could cost you. You could need to purchase some kind extra insurance, in case of any accidents that would happen on your property.
No, NTA.
I don’t know how her dress didn’t end up with red wine all over it, but never mind, past is past.
On to now, Nope would be my response. Just nope, sorry not interested. And leave it at that.
The more you try to explain your nope the more passes you give them to argue and manipulate.
Boundaries are not suggestions.
Nta. I would say yes and then show up in your wedding dress and say “this old thing”!
You don’t need a reason. No means no. There’s potential liability
NTA
There’s risk involved with using your backyard for a wedding. You should only allow it if you absolutely trust the couple. Both your brother and his fiancee have shown little consideration for you. She was extremely rude and he was dismissive of your very justifiable feelings.
Don’t go out of your way to give them another opportunity to cause you harm. They don’t deserve your help or trust.
Definitely NTA, and for an added level of petty you might want to consider matching your SIL’s energy & wear a floor length white gown as it’s “not a big deal”.
I feel like the people here saying to wear your dress to the wedding (or another white dress) aren’t being nearly creative enough.
Between now and then, rig something up that will turn a sprinkler on right as they say “I do”, aimed straight at them, and somehow have it spray red water.
NTA actions have consequences. Wear your wedding dress to their wedding
If any of the guests hurt themselves at the wedding they can sue you.
Also all those people..using your bathroom.
Hard no.
You should tell your brother if he can’t afford a venue he shouldn’t have proposed in the first place.
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NTA-family does help family. You tried to help your brother by telling him how she made you feel wearing white, now you’re helping them learn a valuable lesson about respect.
Hold your ground
Nta
Your property. You decide. Don’t let anyone pressure you.
Dont cave.
Make her apologize in front of everyone, and then STILL say no.
Alternatively, tell them yes, but then have the back yard dug up for something or another
Make your future SIL apologize and ask for it. Then say no.
NTA, you have no obligations to toxic people.
DO NOT LET THEM NEAR YOUR PLACE.
I would be petty as hell about it. Say yes. Then wear a long WHITE dress to her wedding. Turn about is fair play
It’ll cost you not only financially it will cost you your dignity
No. You said in your post, ‘I won’t let the devil win’. So you acted like a grown adult, weren’t petty about the boundaries and disrespect. Good for you.
Now is your the opportunity to continue to be the adult and respectfully decline, the woman was not respectful enough not to wear white to your wedding, what is she going to do to you and your home?
Screw her. She should have been turned away at the door. Don’t host the wedding, but attend in a white dress. NTA
NTA
They can have the wedding at a park or in a courthouse.
If you allow them to use your wedding, you would end up having to do work (clean the bathroom in case anyone wants to use it) and would be liable if any of their guests are injured on your property.
NTA
Your homeowners insurance will take the hit for anything that happens to the property or to one of the guests. If there is drinking involved, you could be held responsible for any DUI incidents or accidents. You could lose your house if anybody sues you.
Then at her wedding, you and any other petty female attendees should show up in white, since it’s “no big deal” and “just a dress”. What an entitled B!
NTA. They don’t have money for a venue – the courthouse is a pretty cheap option.
NTA.
Don’t have a wedding if your pockets are empty and you are counting on others to bail you out ,, hard no
NTA
“Bro, I don’t like her. You’re lucky I am even considering attending since I think you can do better. There’s not a chance in hell I want her to think she has a say over anything about my personal property.”
NTA but please agree then wear a white wedding gown for revenge and pettiness. Post results after.
If you host, then wear your wedding dress to the wedding.
NTA, I’d tell your family that “I know from experience at my own wedding that she’s rude and difficult while my brother just lets her do whatever she wants, so I can only imagine how they’d be if the wedding was in our yard. If any of you want to host their wedding, enjoy yourselves, I’m staying away from this fiasco. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to worry about me showing up at the wedding in white saying how much more attractive I am than the bride. Because I’m not petty and don’t try to ruin other people’s weddings.” BTW, I wouldn’t let her inside your house, ever.
NTA. It’s your house, you get to say yes or no for any reason.
My thing is that you’ve already seen that she doesn’t respect you so why would she respect your space? Where is she going to get ready? Where are the bathrooms going to be? Would the dinner be inside or out? Will there be drinking? What if glass bottle break in your yard? I would expect your place to end up completely trashed and no help cleaning up. Maybe even some of your property destroyed. If it were me, I wouldn’t risk it. If you do, get insurance and make them hire a professional clean up crew.
NTA. You don’t wanna have to get special insurance for the event! Duh! It won’t be free. You would charge. There will be an increase in water, electric, etc. You will have to clean your house and yard. You will have to rent portapotties.
Your time is valuable!
So the brothers fiance is your aunty? Confusing story.
They can use your backyard as long as you can wear a white dress
NTA. Do not help facilitate further assault on your boundaries. Additionally, you would likely need liability insurance. Do not give in or cave to their pressure, if you do, this will persist into bbqs and kids parties where they insist on using your space and asking you to not be there. Your parents should be on your side, keeping the peace is violation of your boundaries.
I’d let them and come out in my wedding dress again for the big day
NTA
Not only for the wedding insult, but also the ongoing fuckery.
PLUS the liability for any problems or injuries at their wedding in your yard would be on you.
Also, will they expect to be in your house at all (toilet, changing room)?
And as you pointed out, the prep & cleanup would probably be on you.
Just say no.
They can rent space in a park.
NTA. Get a huge ball gown kinda dress in white and where it while acting like you are the bride. She shouldn’t mind since she did it to you.
F THAT HO! And if you’re still invited for the reception show up in the most over the top wedding dress! Let’s see how she likes it
I’m even nastier. I’d agree and then a couple days leading up to the wedding I’d water the heck out of the lawn and make it a gooey swamp. And NTA.
Let em use it. YOU WEAR YOUR WEDDING DRESS
NTA. Unless you’re going to rent a port a potty, everyone will go inside your house to use the bathroom (and honestly, they will anyway), and they’ll go all over your house looking for the second bathroom if the first one is taken. You’d need to lock up any medicines because people will go through your medicine cabinet. People will park all up and down the street. They will trample on the plantings in your lovely back yard and plants will be destroyed. If it rains, they will all be in your house. If it doesn’t rain but there are any introverts, they will be in your house just to get a quiet moment (or is that just me?).
If you’re in the US, surely there’s a public park where they could get a permit for a wedding if they can’t afford a proper venue?
Sure we host only if they want to shared. Why don’t you and your husband renew your vows with a long white wedding dress a few hours before their wedding no use letting the decorated backyard not be used by the homeowners. Make sure to keep on the dress.
allow them to use your backyard… BUT, show up in a wedding dress as payback. 😎🤭
NTA – have the wedding but show up wearing white. Enlist others too.
First, if they can’t afford to pay for a venue, they can’t afford to pay for anything else. Who is going to be on the hook? Go to the courthouse, or wait and save. Second, do NOT let them use your yard. See First. Third, if you get invited to the wedding, go in a white dress. At least you’re prettier than her.
I would demand they arrange and pay for additional insurance coverage and a clean up crew before and after the wedding to prep the yard for the wedding. I would also wear a long white dress to the wedding since it’s not a big deal. Karma in spades.
Just please wear white… wherever they decide to have it
Absolutely not, you will be their servant and responsible for insurance, and cleaning – I’m sure they will expect you to pay. Your parents can host. Tell them this isn’t about being petty, your house is also your husbands house and you are not doing this.
Let bro know ‘oh this isn’t about revenge! You wait til your wedding to see what I have in store’ and then laugh a little crazy and freak him out – not that you’ll do anything, but the mental torture will play mind games on him
NTA – but hear me out .. manure is a pretty awesome fertilizer, you could let them do it and then do a heavy manure application the night before the wedding. You just wanted your yard to be the best it could be for their wedding
NTA. Cave, though, and let his fiancee have the wedding of YOUR dreams. First off you need to schedule fertilizer for the day before the wedding. It will need to be watered in so you can set the sprinkler up at the alter timed for when the vows start. Finally, have someone give a toast with dark beer that is preshaken so when it is open it “accidentally ” sprays all over the bride in her now off white dress! Maybe even pay someone to sling some actual mud.
NTA – but your whole ‘family’ sure is.
NTA and you better show up in a white dress. If you host the wedding they’re going to make a huge mess of your house. Don’t do it.
Wear your wedding dress, if you still have it. If she puts up a fuss, remind her that she tried to steal the spotlight at yours.
She was rude for wearing white to yours, and you were not overreacting.
You have done nothing wrong. This is a huge ask. It’s is more than allowing people in your backyard. There is liability. Cleaning before and after.
Most important is the fact you have been disrespected. It goes without saying you have never received an apology.
It takes a lot of nerve to expect someone to allow someone into your personal space after they have treated you in such way.
No! No reason necessary. Your home your decision. It is not your problem they can’t afford a venue.
It has nothing to do with being petty. It is about respecting your home and boundaries.
You are absolutely in the right. Decline their request without apologizing. You are in the right
NTA, but you were an AH to yourself when you didn’t kick her out of your wedding.
And I’ll be completely honest, “we can’t afford a venue so your backyard is our only option” sounds an AWFUL lot like they want to out-wedding you on your own turf. I can think of a dozen low-priced places to have a wedding that would be better than a residential backyard.