i’m honestly too embarassed to ask any friends that I’m close to for help so I made this throwaway. I’ve never done this before so if I do something wrong please lmk!
Okay so me (23f) and my bf (25m) have been dating for two years now and he absolutely loves football. Like LOVES it. Every sunday and some weekdays he’s always plants himself on our couch (we live together), watched football, and just yells at the tv. Like screaming at the refs, cursing out the players, cheering loudly when someone makes a good pass, etc.
The problem is I didn’t grow up in a household where yelling was considered safe. My dad was abusive and whenever he raised his voice, it was almost always followed by something worse. My boyfriend knows this, and even though I have not one doubt in my mind that he would NEVER lay a hand on me, the sound of him yelling–even when it’s at the tv and never me–makes me really anxious and uncomfortable.
It was never a problem before and we only moved in together this summer, but with football szn starting up and still being pretty fresh and it’s already bothering me this much? I don’t know how much longer I can handle it. Two days ago I tried to nicely bring it up and was honest, saying his yelling felt aggressive to me and it brings up bad memories. I asked if he could tone it down or find some other way to get his excited energy out.
He got upset when I said it felt aggressive and told me that hurt his feelings. He told me he’s just passionate about football because he grew up in a very sports centered home. He added that I was overreacting because he’s nothing like my dad and would never hurt me.
He’s been a little moody and avoiding w me ever since and I feel guilty now. If I could, I’d just go to another room in our house but you can literally hear his yelling from every spot and I just don’t think it’s sustainable for me to try to leave every time he decides to watch football. So AITA for asking him to stop yelling?
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i’m honestly too embarassed to ask any friends that I’m close to for help so I made this throwaway. I’ve never done this before so if I do something wrong please lmk!
Okay so me (23f) and my bf (25m) have been dating for two years now and he absolutely loves football. Like LOVES it. Every sunday and some weekdays he’s always plants himself on our couch (we live together), watched football, and just yells at the tv. Like screaming at the refs, cursing out the players, cheering loudly when someone makes a good pass, etc.
The problem is I didn’t grow up in a household where yelling was considered safe. My dad was abusive and whenever he raised his voice, it was almost always followed by something worse. My boyfriend knows this, and even though I have not one doubt in my mind that he would NEVER lay a hand on me, the sound of him yelling–even when it’s at the tv and never me–makes me really anxious and uncomfortable.
It was never a problem before and we only moved in together this summer, but with football szn starting up and still being pretty fresh and it’s already bothering me this much? I don’t know how much longer I can handle it. Two days ago I tried to nicely bring it up and was honest, saying his yelling felt aggressive to me and it brings up bad memories. I asked if he could tone it down or find some other way to get his excited energy out.
He got upset when I said it felt aggressive and told me that hurt his feelings. He told me he’s just passionate about football because he grew up in a very sports centered home. He added that I was overreacting because he’s nothing like my dad and would never hurt me.
He’s been a little moody and avoiding w me ever since and I feel guilty now. If I could, I’d just go to another room in our house but you can literally hear his yelling from every spot and I just don’t think it’s sustainable for me to try to leave every time he decides to watch football. So AITA for asking him to stop yelling?
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> I think I could be the asshole because I did say that his behaviour felt aggressive and my boyfriend has always gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable safe especially with my past
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA
You live together now, this is HIS home too.
Maybe you two can find some middle ground? How many games a week does he want to watch and how many months of the year is the sports season? If it’s 2 games a week, can he not watch one at home in any way he likes to enjoy it and then you decide if you want to say home or go out for a sports class or a walk or meeting a friend or go to the library or whatever, and then the other game that week he can either be much more quiet OR he goes and watches it at a friend’s place or at a bar or something?
But it’s not reasonable to demand that he stops enjoying what is clearly an important hobby/past-time of him.
PS: Do you own the home? If so, is it not possible to do something about the noise coming from that room to be move muffled/softened?
NTA. But you aren’t going to stop him. Better to find somewhere else to be when the game is on.
NTA leaning NAH. I don’t think your request is unreasonable but for some reason this is also highly normal behavior for sportsball fans so if it’s a habit he’s built up over ~20 years of his life it’s unlikely to change. This might just be one of those serious incompatibilities you discover after moving in together.
NTA, but good luck with this situation. There’s a lot of entitlement with mega-fans thinking they have the right to act as ridiculously as they want. The fact that he’s sulking about being asked to use his inside voice feels very telling to me. Same with him telling you that you’re “overreacting” with your traumatic experiences. Yes, he has a right to have fun so you’ll need to find some type of compromise too though.
NTA. Go do something else outside the home when football is on: go see a movie, or meet friends. You can also suggest that he can on occasion watch football with friends, at their place.
You sound incompatible.
NTA it sounds dismissive that he said you are overreacting. I also am triggered by yelling. Sometimes it sends me into a panic attack. You can’t avoid it all your life but you should at least feel safe in your own home. He probably isn’t going to be able to change his habits but he should also be respectful of your feelings. He’s making it about him, and you’ve hurt HIS feelings. He doesn’t seem to be worried about how you feel. If this is the norm you might want to reevaluate if this relationship is healthy for you.
NTA
it’s good that you told him how it could be triggering for you and i feel like you haven’t been mean or rude to him in anyway by talking it out and explaining why you want him to be a little quieter!! however since you two live together now, y’all might just have to find some middle ground and have some days where he doesn’t react as much or other days where you might have to wear headphones or find a new setting. i hope it works out in the end tho!
NAH you’re totally justified in being stressed in this situation however this is pretty normal and unharmful behavior from your bf especially in his own home.
Have you tried watching together and getting involved so that it’s less scary? Otherwise I recommend noise cancelling headphones and partaking in another hobby while he’s watching.
NAH. The solution here is for him to try and control it in the short term, while you get the help you need to move past it in the long term. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing and it’s natural for him to be hurt by being lumped in with someone who hurt you, but you also can’t help how it makes you feel. So no AH here.
Ultimately though, this is normal sports watching behavior and if you want to be able to be around people who enjoy sports it is something you will need to learn to deal with and find away to dissociate it from any trauma you have. I would offer him a deal that if he can do his best to keep things down for awhile, you will look into getting the help you need to move past this so it’s not a long term issue.
NTA, but I would suggest removing yourself from the room when a game is on.
Men. Do. Not. Need. To. Yell. To. Enjoy. Sports.
No, you’re NTA for asking him to stop yelling. But YTA for wanting to dictate what he does in the home (I assume) he helps pay for. You aren’t going to be able to change the way he acts during a game. The only thing you can do is to decide whether or not you are going to be in the home during the games. You can’t stop him from yelling but you can leave and spend a couple of hours doing something else, somewhere else.
Either that or if you have an extra room you could buy those sound proofing things you cover the walls with and put a tv in there and he can go in there to watch the game or you could go in there and do something else. That way he wouldn’t have to change his behavior and you wouldn’t end up feeling uncomfortable and anxious.
Noise cancelling headphones sound like they’d be a great investment for you!
Yelling triggers my wife, too. It’s a pain in the ass. I have to change the way I live my life, because someone else traumatized you? No thanks. She’s getting a divorce. Stop it with the mental health shit ladies.
Leave the room and do your one thing or out head phones on.
If football is important to him do not try ad dicatate how he enjoys it.
ESH: Yes, I’m going against the grain because even though I’m personally not a huge football fan, I understand how people get excited about there football. Given that this is how he has likely always reacted to football, and you KNOW his voice is not directed at you, being “triggered” by the yelling seems to be more of a “you” thing. But I’m not going to put this all on you. Y’all are now a couple, and both of you need to figure a way that things can work out where you are both happy.
NTA. It doesn’t even have to be traumatizing for it to be fucking annoying. It’s fully inconsiderate to just scream in a house where other people—who have stated that they don’t enjoy screaming in the house—also live there. He’s a grown man, he can control his volume.
NTA and his mopey little act is exactly why you felt unsafe bringing it up to him. Sorry that your partner values yelling at other men on tv over your reasonable enjoyment of your home 😬
NTA does he dismiss your feelings often? I mean, he’s an adult he should be able to rein it in enough to cohabitate with another adult. Has he tried to tone it down or did he just get upset and defensive and kept his same behavior? I don’t like being around yelling either. Sometimes it gives me really bad panic attacks so I totally get where you’re coming from. Well, hopefully he will at least try to compromise a bit on this otherwise you may just not be right for each other. Be kind to yourself about it. Your feelings are valid.
YTA. The real question is why are they you yelling at the TV with him!
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NTA but you two certainly need to both improve, in communication, self-reflection, etc. You’re doing well describing your thoughts and asking opinions here, but do that with your bf, try to find a time and place (and tone) to break your expectations with him, and see if both sides can compromise and find a common gorund.
let him yell…he’s not at the bar getting drunk, he’s not at the bar flirting with the waitress, he’s not at the bar betting rent money – let him enjoy it….
what are you guys in the comments on? I’m a football fanatic and if my gf asked me to stop yelling because it was sending her back into that dark place I’d stop, no questions asked. I legit cannot comprehend how this is hard to do. I mean, it would probably be difficult to adjust to and yeah he’s going to slip up and shout again sometimes but he can at least try? she’s not asking him to stop watching sports. easy NTA and if this is something he refuses to budge on you gotta find someone more up your alley or softspoken and empathetic.
NAH, but I think you’re incompatible.
I’m an autistic adult. While my childhood was not abusive and I had access to food, shelter, clothes, and medical care, it was sometimes chaotic due to my having a sister with a disability who required a lot more attention. There was a lot of yelling in my house, and it made me SUPER anxious.
I cannot deal with yelling in my home. I cannot deal with being yelled at and will shut down, but even behind around yelling makes me anxious and uncomfortable. My husband very conscientious of this and rarely raises his voice.
That said, I made a conscious choice in my 20s not to date rabid sports fan. I have zero interest in sports, and have never liked the culture, including the heavy drinking and yelling. I’m not compatible with passionate sports fans.
YTA for projecting your abusive dad onto him.
NTA I grew up with a dad that yelled at football, and now realized I have become him and I do it too, it’s ridiculous but it happens.
That said, if my partner asked me not to do it for that for such a good reason, I’d stop. Or go elsewhere to watch it with friends.
NTA, but neither is your BF. you knew he did this going into the relationship. Id suggest finding a loud hobby, metal working, maybe music doing that in the garage while your BF watches his football
ESH If I were you, I would hate it too and would want him to stop. I think he should be more considerate. That said, I think you should have approached this in a far more sophisticated way that was careful to separate the visceral associations with your father’s yelling you have, from what he is actually doing and what you think of him. He is not your dad being aggressive toward you. He is yelling in a way that is unpleasant for you to hear out of excitement at a sports game.
By saying “his yelling felt aggressive” you seem to have given the impression that you think he is being aggressive and potentially abusive (to you). Unless that’s what you actually meant, you should have been careful to phrase it in a way that let him know that you don’t think that about him, just that the yelling in itself reminds you of your dad — and even though it’s different and he’s just excited at the game, it’s stilling yelling, and so you’d really appreciate it if he could tone it down, as it brings back bad memories for you.
YTA mainly for expecting your spouse to change something he loves doing because it makes you uncomfortable when you said it yourself you know he’s not going to yell at you aggressively. Let it start changing your perspective so yelling doesn’t always have to be tied to your abusive father, it can be tied to your boyfriend watching sports or your future kids playing with each other. Unless it really gives you panic attacks or you have actual PTSD, in that case i’d say send him to a sports bar or something but then you can’t give him shit for coming home late. Cheering is not the same as screaming at your partner/kids
Yta your trauma is your problem
NTA.
Am I the only one who thinks that a grown up yelling at the tv with every good pass, screaming at refs watching sports is little too much to handle couple of times every week?
I’d understand once a year during a championship or during olympics, but every single weekend + some weekdays? Ufff.
Also, his reaction is very dismissive. He sounds little immature.
YTA honestly. it’s not your fault you grew up in abusive home but it isn’t his fault either. most ppl (including myself) get very passionate and hyped about sports. sometimes we yell, sometimes we clap, and other times we’re stoic. him showing emotion is perfectly normal, and you asking him not to is kinda asshole-ish. imagine if his mom got abused and she cried during, so that made him uncomfortable. now imagine if y’all were watching a sad movie and he said “please don’t cry, it reminds me of my abusive childhood.” now you’re the bad guy and he gets to police your emotions because of his past trauma. does that sound fair to you?
NTA… but realize that he’s not going to change. This is how he watches football. It’s how he will always watch football.
You need to decide if you can deal with it, leave the house, mitigate the noise somehow, or whatever it takes.
Fanatic: noun. A person with extreme and uncritical enthusiasm or zeal.
If that scares you, y’all aren’t compatible.
I’m going to say ESH. You realize you have trauma around yelling and I’m guessing that is something you know needs dealing with. I’m a woman and I yell at the TV when there is a sport on that I enjoy. I also do it when I’m at a live event, as do many other people. It’s not an uncommon experience and something that you two need to come to an agreement on. Maybe do something else while he watches football? Or wear headphones as people with noise issues often do?
That being said, he sucks for pouting like a toddler because you asked something of him that he feels is unnecessary. And he didn’t need to throw the comment about your Dad in your face.
This is something you two need to be adults about and find a common ground if you intend to stay together.
idk why people in these comments are acting like it’s totally unreasonable to ask him to watch the tv without yelling at it. it is entirely possible to watch and enjoy sports without doing all that. especially when you have a girlfriend who has childhood trauma and potentially ptsd that gets triggered by it. he should care about you enough to make that effort. it is not a big ask at all. NTA
YTA. Get over yourself.
NAH. He is allowed to enjoy his games the way he wants and you deserve to feel safe. Here’s the thing, your trauma isn’t on him to manage, especially in this situation. My recommendation is you join him for the games and help your nervous system realize “him being loud isn’t going to hurt you.”
NTA. He shouldn’t be moody/dismissive about it. But as a fellow sports fan, I get invested in games as well. Is there a way to compromise in some way, like he goes to friends/a bar one week and you stay home & have friends over, then the next week swap? It’s not fair for either to keep leaving their one home. Is it a house? Is there a garage that could be set up so he’s not in the house so if he’s excitable it won’t be as hard on you?
NAH. I watch hockey with my husband and he drove me nuts with his yelling until we got up close season tickets. Now I yell just as much as he does. I get how you feel, lots of yelling in my family & I hate yelling, but it’s people yelling AT each other I can’t stand. Cheering for your team is totally different. You ( understandably) are asking him to completely change a behavior he likely grew up with. You need to make yourself understand the difference. Maybe try watching it with him & have him explain the rules of the game to you. Maybe you’ll end up being a fan & you can turn this into something you can do together. You tried explaining yourself to him but he probably can’t even comprehend how you feel. He’s probably trying. So talk, tell him how you feel, and ask him to help you work through it. Good luck
YTA. He lives there too, its ridiculous to be crying about a “trigger” 24/7. I have had an extremely hard life, along with my SO. We dont do that nonsense. Be an adult for once. He lives there too, so he can do what he wants with the TV. Stop trying to make him change his life over it, go to therapy. This is a YOU problem. It is something he enjoys, he gets to do it. This is purely controlling NONSENSE. I dont even like sports ONE BIT. I know nothing about it. Do something for once and stop trying to find things to nitpick.
Im also going against the grain. You kind of are. You’re pretty much comparing him and how he enjoys something he is passionate about to your abusive father.
If his yelling at the game triggers you that badly then it really speaks more to your need for some therapy for past trauma.
Nta. Honestly it bothers neighbors as well, it’s annoying im general and it’s a trigger for you so that makes it even worse