So my girls parents had her when they were a lot younger than my parents, so she has two younger siblings. Due to this, we go over to her house for all the holidays and just generally a lot more often. Her parents are also more attached to seeing her often as she always lived close and never was far until she moved in with me. All of this is completely understandable and I’m for it. I want her siblings to know their big sis is always there for them.
Anyways, we probably go over every other weekend or so for dinner. Often around 3-5 and end up usually staying for at least 4-5 hours, at which I begin to get a bit antsy and tired. Tonight I was honestly about to fall asleep on the couch and told my gf I was super tired and asked if we could leave soon. She said yes in a few mins and then proceeded to have another drink and 30-45 mins go by. I was starting to get a bit upset as we had yet to feed our dog for the night and knew if I didn’t speak up, we would’ve been there for another 1-2 hours at least and I likely would’ve fallen asleep on the couch.
I really like her family, but every time we go over there, it’s almost like she forgets I’m even there. Especially when her friends are there too. She’ll maybe check on me every hour or so for 30 seconds, and I’ll go into the kitchen where she’s hanging far more often to try and engage with what she’s doing, but usually its not easy to be in these girl convos for long. I hate having to ask her to leave, I try to just let her know hey baby I’m getting really sleepy and we still need to feed our dog, but often find I do have to press it a bit or I will genuinely fall asleep on the couch. Also I have to drive home every time and we live 30 mins away.
She never asks to leave when we’re at my parents but I feel like I’m always watching to notice if she’s feeling tired or isn’t having fun or something so she doesn’t have to awkwardly ask. We generally don’t stay too long either. AITAH?
Edit – gf does not have license yet. She knows she needs to learn but it’s been slow going.
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So my girls parents had her when they were a lot younger than my parents, so she has two younger siblings. Due to this, we go over to her house for all the holidays and just generally a lot more often. Her parents are also more attached to seeing her often as she always lived close and never was far until she moved in with me. All of this is completely understandable and I’m for it. I want her siblings to know their big sis is always there for them.
Anyways, we probably go over every other weekend or so for dinner. Often around 3-5 and end up usually staying for at least 4-5 hours, at which I begin to get a bit antsy and tired. Tonight I was honestly about to fall asleep on the couch and told my gf I was super tired and asked if we could leave soon. She said yes in a few mins and then proceeded to have 2 more drinks and 45 mins go by. I was starting to get a bit upset as we had yet to feed our dog for the night and knew if I didn’t speak up, we would’ve been there for another 1-2 hours at least and I likely would’ve fallen asleep on the couch.
I really like her family, but every time we go over there, it’s almost like she forgets I’m even there. Especially when her friends are there too. She’ll maybe check on me every hour or so for 30 seconds, and I’ll go into the kitchen where she’s hanging far more often to try and engage with what she’s doing, but usually its not easy to be in these girl convos for long. I hate having to ask her to leave, I try to just let her know hey baby I’m getting really sleepy and we still need to feed our dog, but often find I do have to press it a bit or I will genuinely fall asleep on the couch. Also I have to drive home every time and we live 30 mins away.
She never asks to leave when we’re at my parents but I feel like I’m always watching to notice if she’s feeling tired or isn’t having fun or something so she doesn’t have to awkwardly ask. We generally don’t stay too long either. AITAH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Simply for asking her to leave her families house before she’s ready honestly.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It sounds like yourcgirlfriend needs to visit her parents on her own or she needs to agree to leave at a preset time.
NTA that sounds really boring and it happens really often. I am not judging her for wanting to spend time with her family but why not do something else and she can go by herself for most of these visits?
NTA, but can be avoided.
My wife has similar tendencies. I dont want to tear her from her family, so I talk to her before we head put to figure out how much time she intends to spend there. If it is in the ballpark pf what works for me I will let her know when id like to leave and ask if that works. If not, and otherwise, I will drive separately.
NTA every other weekend is too much for the both of you. You two (she) should not be neglecting your adult responsibility (the dog) to party, even with loved ones. At the least, you should only join her once a month. That said, you should have a serious thought about your compatibility. Do you like her family? Does she make you come so she can drink and you can drive?
NTA – You said you always have to drive home, is it because you guys only have 1 car for the two of you or is it because she is drinking when she’s there? The most ideal solution I can think of is to just take 2 separate cars and then you can leave at your leisure and she can stay as long as she wants.
Nta why do you have to go every time? Just let her go by herself, make up something. You can just go there once a month
Light YTA. You could try to be more engaging with the family members? It seems like y’all visit, but it’s really her visiting and you’re just doing nothing while waiting to leave :/
If you’re not interested in spending time with her family, then just don’t go. Or maybe go every other time.
Also, as someone who is chronically tired, I just find a chair or spot on the couch and doze off for a bit, whether at my family’s or my bfs family’s places. It’s probably understandable to need to take a nap if y’all are there later in the evening.
Lastly, have y’all talked about having a set time frame for being there? Having expectations beforehand might help.
NAH
The place to have this conversation is not at either of your parents house.
You both are very consistent in your behaviours. You are willing to ask to leave and are watching for discomfort she is willing to stay at your parents until you decide it’s time to go.
But you guys aren’t really communicating needs or expectations with each other.
She should visit on her own since or take a separate car she’ll let an animal go hungry.
NAH – you’re not wrong for asking, and i understand why she’d lose track of time. How far away are your places? Is it possible for you to leave and somebody else (dad, siblings, friends) to drop her at your place later?
NTA. We’re very close with my wife’s large family, both literally and figuratively (we live about thirty seconds from her mom and two of her sisters). We spend most holidays with them. She has five siblings, four in-laws, and we have ten nieces and nephews. I love her family, and she doesn’t make me feel ignored with them. Despite all that, I always reach a point where I’m just ready to go, and it’s often before her. Social battery is real, and when it’s depleted, it’s depleted. My wife doesn’t mind if I go home and come back to pick her up in these situations, but it doesn’t sound like you have that option. Maybe discuss beforehand what time you’ll leave.
Go once a month with her. If she’s not engaging with you I don’t think it will be big deal.
ESH… she needs to stop dragging you to her parent’s all the time and learn to drive so she can go alone. But you should sit her down and be honest. Let her know that while you don’t want to tear her away from her family the visits are too much for you. You could also try hosting the family once in a while so you can take care of your dog and then kick everyone out at a certain time.
From her point of view it may be that you’re a sleepy guy who isn’t engaging with anyone in the family. She feels anxious that you’re bored but she’s so excited to see everyone she doesn’t want to leave. So are these people ignoring you on purpose or do you need to make more of an effort to connect with her family and friends?
1 word: taxi
NTA
NAH
This is a discussion that needs to take place at home between the two of you, where you both can discuss expectations and set compromises. Maybe you need to agree to set a time that you will go home by, and she can have a couple of alarms set on her phone to warn her it’s time to head out. If she wants to leave later, she needs to work on the license situation quicker or pay for an uber. You have a dog reliant upon y’all, it’s not fair to make it wait for food since it can’t feed itself.
NAH. Maybe suggest she stays over and can get a lift home with someone else or you can pick her up the following day. Driving tired is very dangerous!!