He was in the Guard in late 60s and early 70s to avoid Vietnam (which I totally understand). Now in his old age he wishes he had a war under his belt. He’s obsessed with guns and war. He has a veteran license plate.
Meanwhile, I lived through an actual war (not as a soldier). This was a one week war/coup attempt in Asia. I was at ground zero holed up in an apartment, surrounded by gunfire and explosions for a week, city hall burning, airport seized by rebels, a horror show. I thought I was dead. I carry some limited ptsd though I know it can’t compare to a soldier who’s seen action. Anyway, I think it riles Dad that I’ve experienced war and he hasn’t. Some kind of machismo thing?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
He was in the Guard in late 60s and early 70s to avoid Vietnam (which I totally understand). Now in his old age he wishes he had a war under his belt. He’s obsessed with guns and war. He has a veteran license plate.
Meanwhile, I lived through an actual war (not as a soldier). This was a one week war/coup attempt in Asia. I was at ground zero holed up in an apartment, surrounded by gunfire and explosions for a week, city hall burning, airport seized by rebels, a horror show. I thought I was dead. I carry some limited ptsd though I know it can’t compare to a soldier who’s seen action. Anyway, I think it riles Dad that I’ve experienced war and he hasn’t. Some kind of machismo thing?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Comments and tension generated by me when he lectures on war have caused conflict.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You probably need to find a better way to frame this. Like “hey grandpa, I lived through X and it really traumatized me. I would prefer if you stopped the gun/war talk around me”
Getting in a ‘who lived through more war’ competition doesn’t sound helpful. But if you have PTSD you can and should ask people to be respectful of that.
Edit: type-o
Experiencing such thing are hard for everyone and people glorifying war is uncomfortable. I say nta
Your dad is a veteran. Veteran has nothing to do with being in war or not. If he had been in Vietnam he would be a Veteran of a Foreign War or part of that group or a combat veteran. He is a veteran, he is not a combat veteran or a war veteran. So if you are resentful of him claiming a status he earned then yes, YTA. If you just have trouble handling his “obsession” with war then NTA for feeling off about that.
Sounds like you have trauma that should be addressed with a therapist tbh.
Asia is a pretty big place. Where are you referring to?
NTA, but your father’s obsession may stem from deeply buried feelings of guilt. He is a vet, but he didn’t have to face the same risks that many others of his generation did, and too many of them didn’t come back, or came back scarred in various ways. He may even be feeling guilty that you went through something similar as well, while he avoided it.
Trauma is not a competition. There is no suffering Olympics
My grandpa couldn’t fight in the war because he only had one kidney after a childhood accident. When all the men his age left, those remaining were ridiculed for being weak and afraid. Nothing to compare to the trauma of war, but again it’s not something that can or should be compared. He carried that internalized guilt his whole life and it showed up all over, including being obsessed with all things war and guns even making his own bullets – everywhere. It was something that shaped and defined him. Try to have some empathy for that with your dad
For you, I don’t know you but it sounds like you haven’t processed your trauma fully. The way you try to minimize your ptsd like you don’t feel like you have a right to have it is the tell. It’s ok to claim and name your trauma. Process it, preferably with professional help or support groups. If you don’t it will creep up in your life and relationships forever – don’t let this ruin your relationship with your father
Edit: per the the rules I deem NAH
I worked at the VA for years and there are hundreds of men (yes primarily men) who do this, they present as if they were doing battle in Nam while they were actually working in the motor pool in Kansas. The way I saw it was that they had nothing else to be proud about so they do this stolen valor thing. Like the quarterback of the high school football team who still talks about the great touchdown they made. Yes they are technically a Veteran and can park close to the door at Home Depot but I never pretended that they had gone through the same experience as the folks who actually suffered and feared for their lives. Ignore this, don’t engage- I see it as a persona of a weak man afraid to look in the mirror and actually accomplish something meaningful.
You’d be surprised how many national guardsman jack themselves off as vets and never fucking left their state for 5 years.
But at the end of the day, it’s best not everyone knows how it feels to be shot at.