TW: vomit
Okay, I need to get it out. I’m about to snap at someone in my best friends group.
I (NB, 31) have a friend (F, 30) who is lactose intolerant to the point that she will puke then faint if she eats a biscuit with milk in the ingredients. She had been hospitalized as an infant for that and it’s pretty serious, her having lost consciousness in front of me quite a few time since our years of friendship.
Somehow, she decided to not let it ruin her life and is still consuming lactose because, damn, everything has lactose in it. So hells to the consequences, she’s taking some of those damn cookies!
I have bad emetophobia (phobia of vomit). Other people in our friend group have it too but mine will sent me in full blown panic attack where I would hyperventilate, claw at myself (leaves me in blood) and sometimes puke too from distress. It sends me in flashbacks to my early childhood (4-8 years old), when I had a fragile stomach and would burst in begging tears for the pain of puking non-stop to… Well, to stop. I have tried to heal that in therapy but ends up hyperventilating in the therapist office instead.
I have tried confronting her while masking the worst of my crisis, which I’m able to do less and less. She just told me that she has emetophobia too, and that it’s worst than me.
My friends are trying to calm me down in each ‘catastrophes’ when I overreact when she pukes while trying to ease her pain too. She’s a bit jealous of it, and has reminded us that she’s suffering more from the situation. That’s something recurrent in our friendship, where I can’t vent without her going over with something happening to her. It’s neurodivergent (ADHD) behavior so we let it slide. My friends are more concerned for the fact that she’s destroying her health, which I should be too but somehow, cannot. Her choice is affecting me to my very own safeplace. I have brought her in that friend group. My friends are my family, having none.
Yesterday (23h, European timezone), she had posted in our friendgroup discord server how she has planned to make us all pasta with cream (69% milk, she posted the ingredients on the cream box for people having allergia) for tomorrow. We all know how it’s gonna end up.
To be fair, I wanted to scream at her. To insult her. I just answered that I had a very bad week and wasn’t able to mask this time, would something happen. That it’s not worth having a dispute over it.
True is, thinking at the distress she puts me in makes me want to snap. I’m terrified of conflict and always end up smiling and reassuring everyone. But something wrong is settling in my chest against the warm feelings I have for this close friend. If I see her drinking a glass of milk again, tomorrow, or a milk shake. Or eating a yogurt… We may end up throwing fists.
WIBTA?
Edit: For typos.
UPDATE: So it’s nearly 6AM here and it’s safe to say I’ve thought about it all night.
It feels a bit clearer after some grounding technics and wonderful, cuddly pets.
Some elements I haven’t added:
-
Today (now) is my birthday and we have two DnD sessions planned in the same day. My fiancé is the DM. That’s why leaving wasn’t feeling like an option at the moment. I’m no contact with my family. Friends are the only way I get to celebrate my birthday. I have a good fear of abandonment so leaving and accepting to miss the game sessions, to miss my own birthday and to be alone at home while my fiancé is still there, it would take a huge toll on a mental health going really, really bad those days. Not to make things worse, I can’t drive, and we’re celebrating at my friends’ home, in the city next to mine, on a sunday: No bus, no tramways working. I’ll need someone to drive me home.
-
My friend, the one I talked about, has tremendous trauma regarding her condition and it’s safe to say that living ‘normally’ is her way of coping. It’s a survival mechanism from a life-long trauma and, although it is worrying (fainting and vomiting ISN’T good for her physical health) and everyone in the group is pushing her to seek medical (physical and mental) and nutritional help and advices, the way she acts is understandable. My feelings and the way she acted toward my own trauma does not invalidate that. She also can’t leave while in this state because her family is unsupportive and will mock her. She needs her friends when she is incredibly vulnerable.
What I basically did:
- Is to put a boundary that I can’t stay in a house where someone is vomiting. (Since I can’t support her and will need help myself if triggered.) It’s not productive nor healthy. So, if anyone vomits, we postpone the DnD sessions (my (diagnosed) autistic fiancé is going to feel distressed to have his routines messed up but it’s something we can help with and he understands.) ….And I’m driven back home. She’ll get to have her support network and I’ll get to be safer from the trigger. I’ll see my friends the next day, without her, if I’m feeling left out. Plus, it was very rude to continue the sessions when she was shivering and fainting nearby.
What still is complicated:
- Is my relationship with this friend, in which I’m used of feeling invalidated and talked over. That’s the reason why we aren’t that close, although she’s very dear to me. It’s something we’ll have to work out. Or not. But this is not threatening to me. I have friends that listen and help when I need to, and that’s enough.
The other persons in the friendgroup that have emetophobia are still to work with their own boundaries on this. But this is the stance I managed to sit on. I still think that the anger you see in my post was valid, but, you are right on this: “”Fighting back”” isn’t appropriate. Her making herself sick to not feel handicapped by her health issues isn’t about me. It was mixing with our really complicated relationship where a lot of resentment fester deep down. But this, this is something that has nothing to do with the actual problem.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
TW: vomit
Okay, I need to get it out. I’m about to snap at someone in my best friends group.
I (NB, 31) have a friend (F, 30) who is lactose intolerant to the point that she will puke then faint if she eats a biscuit with milk in the ingredients. She had been hospitalized as an infant for that and it’s pretty serious, her having lost consciousness in front of me quite a few time since our years of friendship.
Somewhat, she decided to not let it ruin her life and is still consuming lactose because, dawn, everything has lactose in it. So hells to the consequences, she’s taking some of those damn cookies!
I have bad emetophobia. Other people in our friend group have it too but mine will sent me in full blown panic attack where I would hyperventilate, claw at myself (leaves me in blood) and sometimes puke too from distress. It sends me in flashbacks to my early childhood (4-8 years old), when I had a fragile stomach and would burst in begging tears for the pain of pucking non-stop to… Well, to stop. I have tried to heal that in therapy but ends up hyperventilating in the therapist office instead.
I have tried confronting her while masking the worst of my crisis, which I’m able to do less and less. She just told me that she had emetophobia too, and that it’s worst than me.
My friends are trying to calm me down in each ‘catastrophes’ when I overreact when she pukes while trying to ease her pain too. She’s a bit jealous of it, and has reminded us that she’s suffering more from the situation. That’s something recurrent in our friendship, where I can’t vent without her going over with something happening to her. It’s neurodivergent (ADHD) behavior so we let it slide. My friends are more concerned for the fact that she’s destroying her health, which I should be too but somehow, cannot. Her choice is affecting me to my very own safeplace. I have brought her in that friend group. My friends are my family, having none.
Yesterday (23h, European timezone), she had posted in our friendgroup discord server how she has planned to make us all pasta with cream (69% milk, she posted the ingredients on the cream box for people having allergia) for tomorrow. We all know how it’s gonna end up.
To be fair, I wanted to scream at her. To insult her. I just answered that I had a very bad week and wasn’t able to mask this time, would something happen. That it’s not worst having a dispute over it.
True is, thinking at the distress she puts me in makes me want to snap. I’m terrified of conflict and always end up smiling and reassuring everyone. But something wrong is settling in my chest against the warm feelings I have for this close friend. If I see her drinking a glass of milk against, tomorrow, or a milk shake. Or eating a yogurt… We may end up throwing fists.
WIBTA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I’m about to snap at one of my best friends. (2) Because she is lactose intolerant and still willingly eating lactose while I have emetophobia but she thinks her life-long fight against her intolerancy is more important than my trigger.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Ywbta because snapping isn’t how you resolve this. IMHO, tell her you won’t hang out with her if this continues, and if it continues, LEAVE. Unfortunately your friend group will pick you or her and move on. Fwiw I understand completely why you want to yell at her, I would also want to, but it won’t change what she’s doing (which is utterly stupid of her).
YWNBTA, and snapping at her is an exercise in futility, I think. Instead, you could consider telling her and your friend group that you recognize how stressful these situations are for everyone, and you don’t want to add to that. In the future, therefore, if you become aware that she has eaten or is eating anything that predictably will make her sick, you will leave so as not to add stress with your reactions when triggered or to detract from her getting the care and help she needs. Then do it. Every. Single. Time.
Nta. She shouldn’t be eating things that she is intolerant to. Throwing up sounds like more than an intolerance to me (not an expert. That’s just my opinion as a person who is also lactose intolerant) Based on what you have written the whole thing sounds like attention seeking on her part. I’m going to be that irritating person now, I have adhd and her jealousy and oneupmanship doesn’t ring true. People can be w*nkers, there doesn’t always need to be a mental health disorder. Anyway, all that aside, you should call her out on it. In the discord respond with something along the lines of – seriously? So we all have to watch you puke again?!! Pick something else.
You need to start pointing it out and not accepting, oh but I’m neurodivergent so you have to put up with anything and everything I do and no one can say anything because I will cry and you are affecting my mental health and you are ableist. No. Just no.
As an aside because I want you to be happy, depending on how long you have been seeing them, you may want to consider a different therapist.
Eta
She is losing consciousness she must have an epipen and be taken to the hospital every time that happens.
You do not plan to “snap”
You are looking for an excuse to have a tantrum. If you are going to claw at yourself, roll around on the floor, and probably make some horsey noises whenever she gets ill then you should just avoid her
YWBTA
YWBTA if you snapped at her as this is not the way to go. If the situation is so bad just don’t hang out with her. Tell her while she continues to put herself and you in these situations then you can no longer be friends.
Small aside. It has become a common term, but the DSM-5 doesn’t include masking. In the DSM it is used in relation to adhd and asd. Popular culture has given it a generic meaning to anything a person is trying to hide and doesn’t want to make obvious.
Lol. Sorry. Obnoxious I know. I have a bit of an obsession with the DSM and definitions.
Why are so many people now Neuro divergent? This kind of stuff, ADHD, autism, neurodivergent, all seems to run in cycles. Murderers are now claiming to be autistic. Maybe everyone is looking for an excuse to behave badly.
UPDATE: So it’s nearly 6AM here and it’s safe to say I’ve thought about it all night.
It feels a bit clearer after some grounding technics and wonderful, cuddly pets.
Some elements I haven’t added:
Today (now) is my birthday and we have two DnD sessions planned in the same day. My fiancé is the DM. That’s why leaving wasn’t feeling like an option at the moment. I’m no contact with my family. Friends are the only way I get to celebrate my birthday. I have a good fear of abandonment so leaving and accepting to miss the game sessions, to miss my own birthday and to be alone at home while my fiancé is still there, it would take a huge toll on a mental health going really, really bad those days. Not to make things worse, I can’t drive, and we’re celebrating at my friends’ home, in the city next to mine, on a sunday: No bus, no tramways working. I’ll need someone to drive me home.
My friend, the one I talked about, has tremendous trauma regarding her condition and it’s safe to say that living ‘normally’ is her way of coping. It’s a survival mechanism from a life-long trauma and, although it is worrying (fainting and vomiting ISN’T good for her physical health) and everyone in the group is pushing her to seek medical (physical and mental) and nutritional help and advices, the way she acts is understandable. My feelings and the way she acted toward my own trauma does not invalidate that. She also can’t leave while in this state because her family is unsupportive and will mock her. She needs her friends when she is incredibly vulnerable.
What I basically did: Is to put a boundary that I can’t stay in a house where someone is vomiting. (Since I can’t support her and will need help myself if triggered.) It’s not productive nor healthy. So, if anyone vomits, we postpone the DnD sessions (my (diagnosed) autistic fiancé is going to feel distressed to have his routines messed up but it’s something we can help with and he understands.) ….And I’m driven back home. She’ll get to have her support network and I’ll get to be safer from the trigger. I’ll see my friends the next day, without her, if I’m feeling left out. Plus, it was very rude to continue the sessions when she was shivering and fainting nearby.
What still is complicated: Is my relationship with this friend, in which I’m used of feeling invalidated and talked over. That’s the reason why we aren’t that close, although she’s very dear to me. It’s something we’ll have to work out. Or not. But this is not threatening to me. I have friends that listen and help when I need to, and that’s enough.
The other persons in the friendgroup that have emetophobia are still to work with their own boundaries on this. But this is the stance I managed to sit on. I still think that the anger you see in my post was valid, but, you are right on this: “”Fighting back”” isn’t appropriate. Her making herself sick to not feel handicapped by her health issues isn’t about me. It was mixing with our really complicated relationship where a lot of resentment fester deep down. But this, this is something that has nothing to do with the actual problem.
YWBTA for resorting to violence. Grow up. Have a conversation or stop hanging with her