My husband and I met two years after my fiancé died. We were obnoxiously in love. Got engaged a few months in and married a few months later. We talked about my fiancé a lot and he was very understanding and supportive. Next few years he is supportive of this.
4 years in I mention how the anniversary is coming up and I’m gonna take a day away and he says, “you know sometimes it’s good to not feel you need to keep pausing your life for this moment.” Which I replied “it’s more of an introspective day for me where I just think about life, love, and loss.” He didn’t bring it up again.
Flash forward to now, 7.5 years together. I tell him a few days ago this year is gonna be a bit harder on me (harder feelings got brought up by my cousin losing her fiancé in July). This morning let him sleep in and took care of everything for house and kids until noon. Then I was solemn and quiet. I folded laundry and just sat in the bed when he asked what he could do. I said “nothing really just a time when a lot is on my mind.” He said okay. But a couple hours later he tried again and I said I’m just having a hard time and he said, “I’m so fucking tired of living in your dead ex boyfriends shadow, sorry I’m not as good as he was”
I tried to have a constructive conversation and understand this comment and the feelings and he got louder and quite disrespectful. He said I’m delusional and stuck in the past and no one happy with their marriage would still care about the anniversary of their “ex” and that me choosing not to call him my “ex” and instead referring to him as my fiancé that died shows where my heart is.
Now he wants a divorce because he “can never live up to a dead guy” and I never should have made him feel like he could.
For context:
we had a tumultuous relationship since we got married.
I miscarried three times before a successful pregnancy. Hormonal depression, postpartum depression and rage.
Spent first couple years of my youngest life (4.5) doing parenting alone with dad right there choosing not to help. He said he felt shut out of parenting I exclusively breastfed and bed shared (things we discussed prior to having children). I didn’t want her to grow up without a dad like me so I stayed and tried to help their bond.
Sharing custody with his ex for the oldest (11) has been trying
We almost got divorce 6 months ago but decided to try again and really work on our individual issues and our relationship. A lot of his personal issues he didn’t tend to (drinking, dipping, being passive aggressive, not cleaning after himself, being very disrespectful and verbally attacking) but he did put a big effort into relationship problems (communication, helping with kids, being more of a partner). The “d” word got thrown out way too much in our relationship. I have not been the greatest wife but I have genuinely tried consistently to keep our family together and be understanding of what he’s going through.
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My husband and I met two years after my fiancé died. We were obnoxiously in love. Got engaged a few months in and married a few months later. We talked about my fiancé a lot and he was very understanding and supportive. Next few years he is supportive of this.
4 years in I mention how the anniversary is coming up and I’m gonna take a day away and he says, “you know sometimes it’s good to not feel you need to keep pausing your life for this moment.” Which I replied “it’s more of an introspective day for me where I just think about life, love, and loss.” He didn’t bring it up again.
Flash forward to now, 7.5 years together. I tell him a few days ago this year is gonna be a bit harder on me (harder feelings got brought up by my cousin losing her fiancé in July). This morning let him sleep in and took care of everything for house and kids until noon. Then I was solemn and quiet. I folded laundry and just sat in the bed when he asked what he could do. I said “nothing really just a time when a lot is on my mind.” He said okay. But a couple hours later he tried again and I said I’m just having a hard time and he said, “I’m so fucking tired of living in your dead ex boyfriends shadow, sorry I’m not as good as he was”
I tried to have a constructive conversation and understand this comment and the feelings and he got louder and quite disrespectful. He said I’m delusional and stuck in the past and no one happy with their marriage would still care about the anniversary of their “ex” and that me choosing not to call him my “ex” and instead referring to him as my fiancé that died shows where my heart is.
Now he wants a divorce because he “can never live up to a dead guy” and I never should have made him feel like he could.
For context:
we had a tumultuous relationship since we got married.
I miscarried three times before a successful pregnancy. Hormonal depression, postpartum depression and rage.
Spent first couple years of my youngest life (4.5) doing parenting alone with dad right there choosing not to help. He said he felt shut out of parenting I exclusively breastfed and bed shared (things we discussed prior to having children). I didn’t want her to grow up without a dad like me so I stayed and tried to help their bond.
Sharing custody with his ex for the oldest (11) has been trying
We almost got divorce 6 months ago but decided to try again and really work on our individual issues and our relationship. A lot of his personal issues he didn’t tend to (drinking, dipping, being passive aggressive, not cleaning after himself, being very disrespectful and verbally attacking) but he did put a big effort into relationship problems (communication, helping with kids, being more of a partner). The “d” word got thrown out way too much in our relationship. I have not been the greatest wife but I have genuinely tried consistently to keep our family together and be understanding of what he’s going through.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may not have properly considered how this would make him feel. I might be the asshole for still setting aside time to think of my late fiancé
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No.
YTA
fantasizing about a guy you use to get fucked by is asshole behavior
NTA but your marriage is over.
Frankly you should have gotten divorced a decade ago. Cut ties and move on
NTA – just because he was triggered doesn’t make it ok for him to say fucked up stuff to you. My mom still cries every single year on the anniversary of her father’s death and he died over 35 years ago.
Omg lady what’s wrong with you!? The first part made him sound normal and then the edit!!! Leaveeeeeee what the hell.
NTA, but with shades of ESH. One, he sounds like a crap dude since the beginning of the marriage. 2, it does sound like you bring up your dead ex a lot. He might have a point in that he will never get out of that guy’s shadow.
Relationship is probably over.
This is a complcated thing
It’s reasonable to mourn death anniversaries, especially of partners you loved and didn’t break up with. The love didn’t end, the life did.
But your husband is reasonable in feeling like he is 2nd place. You didn’t fall out of love with your ex-fiance, they died. Your husband likely has thoughts of “If the person was still alive, she wouldn’t have married me…”
Your husband isn’t wrong for feeling like he’s second place and you aren’t wrong for still feeling pain around the subject….but you might benefit from talking to a therapist about it, and if your husband is up for it, consider couple counciling to understand each other better regarding the topic
No verdict as this is just…a very complicated situation
Edit: wrote this before seeing the edit… Your husband is also just an AH person in general but the rest still stands
NTA for getting emotional on the death anniversary but holy moly is your marriage f*cked up.
You have bigger problems. Your husband being jealous of your late fiancé is just one of them.
Ehh nah. It doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship with his issues and you still mourning your late fiance
When you marry someone after the death of a late partner you should not carry the past feelings with you, the new partner deserves your complete love, not a reminder every year that you still love and mourn for a better person and a future. Your late fiance does sound like a better person than your current partner and you know that, you should have found someone equally nice or better, not settle for someone less and then remind that person constantly. Your husband also needs to get his act together, but overall it seems like both of you are just drowning in toxicity.
Try marriage counselling or actually get divorced, don’t put your kids through this toxic home life, no child deserves that
yta life goes on, your stuck he’s not happy. the only ghosts we see are in our heads. you should not have got married, as you were not free. his abuse will only get worse, please chart a path out. be well
This is tough and complicated. It is waaaay more than you getting emotional during this anniversary.
There’s layers of unresolved issues on his side and between you and him that could spring up feelings of inadequacy and resentment. It appears these have largely been swept under.
Divorce coming up multiple times now shows where this marriage could be headed to.
It’s a tricky one. Your husband does have a point, but also your marriage does seem to have a lot of problems. I think it’s all one big mess.
He just gave you the perfect out. Take it.
NTA but divorce has been long coming. Have you ever at any point of your marriage tried marriage counseling? It sounds like there’s a lot of problems here. I have never been married as I am fairly young, and I am fortunate enough to not have had a significant other die, but I can kind of empathize with your husband in regards to feeling like he is in your late fiancé’s shadow. You still refer to your late fiancé as your fiance: does this not raise questions if you talk about him to other people? Do your kids even know why you take a day for yourself on his death anniversary?
Aside from that, if I’m interpreting this post right, it sounds like nothing has been done about your husband’s drinking habits, verbal abuse, and uncleanliness. If you guys have been together for more than 7 years and he is choosing to not make progress in bettering himself, I’d also say this is grounds for divorce. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a person wanting to wallow in their own misery.
There no timeline on grief. He’s not kind or healthy. Take this as your chance to get out.
NTA. You’re entitled to process and reflect as long as this isn’t casting a shadow over your entire relationship. It sounds like your marriage issues are based on the fact that you had a very fast infatuation turn into a commitment and you’ve spent the years since that time in the throes of child-rearing without having a clear picture of who the other was before you got married. I don’t think things look good for you two, but I wouldn’t put that on your dead fiancé.
People grieve differently. There is no timeframe. Losing someone we loved is never easy and it’s normal that you remember him. It also normal that after this anoint of time your husband would start to get irritated and feel shut out.
I can’t find the edit 😫
YTA
It sounds like you never got over your dead fiancé. And once a year you remind your husband that you’re sad that you didn’t get to live the life you wanted. How do you expect him to feel, with the yearly reminder that he’s second in your heart? That’s not a thing most guys can move past.
NTA, and just so you know—staying together for the kids does not help the kids.
NTA – You both need therapy.
I can understand him feeling bad of the mentioning every year of your previous fiancé makes him feel less loved.
You need to go to a therapist to learn how to deal with the death of your fiancé and how to handle it in a new relationship respectfully.
He is AH for his behavior. I see this is a breaking point here and if he doesn’t change this will be the reason you get a divorce.
Also, it’s better to split for children than staying in a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship will be bad for the mental health of your child.
Yta
NTA. There’s no rules for grief.
NTA
That he insists on calling someone who died an ex is detached from reality. You have grief for someone you would have married. If your deceased partner was still alive, he’d have been your husband.
I do think that making sure you get individual counselling important.
That your husband is asking for a divorce is a lot to do with the jealousy he’s feeling. He’s not realising that it’s possible to love more than one person and that death doesn’t end feelings. You moved on but grief is still going to sting as time goes on.
A couple’s counsellor will probably help, even if it’s just to help navigate the divorce.
You said you almost divorced six months ago but d#diced to work on things. It sounds like thst didn’t include marriage counseling and I think st this point, I’d you really want to continue this relationship this is a requirement.
I’m torn on the issue of your grieving. He’s insecure about it, you feel rightly contemplative at times and he finds that is meaning he’s second best. I can’t tell if you are wallowing in grief or if he’s overreacting. His checking out of being a caregiver because you breastfed is not ok, unless you didn’t include him in things such as bath time and skin to skin binding, which he could have done.
I suspect he love bombed you and rushed the marriage but that’s just a guess. He might have done so when you were vulnerable and now you’re seeing a lack of compatibility. If so, it may be time to leave. His verbal abuse tells me this is likely the right answer.
Hun you’re NTA for taking a day to reflect but this relationship is not healthy and the only thing you’re doing by sticking it out for your kid is making sure she grows up in a constantly fracturing home.
You are are being abused for long. He isn’t a partner.
Get divorce and rebuilt your life, he is an AH
you’re not being disrespectful to him by keeping the loss or your fiance in mind, especially when the time of his death comes around. he needs to realise you had a life before him, and let you remember it as opposed to trying to make you be quiet about it to make himself feel better. he just sounds like a bit of a selfish prick really, and the comments he’s made towards you are no better. id leave, but that’s me. nta.
NTA – although not re-partnered, I’m over a decade out from my loss and after many easy years around anniversaries, this one was tough.
YTA
Grief has no time limit! Be gentle with yourself. But him he is a grade A asshole! If you want your daughter to grow up and think being abused is being loved, then stay, but if you don’t leave now. By the sounds of it, you’re already a single parent to 2 children, your biological one and him. He already has a mum, send him to her to deal with.
NTA
But you’re asking the wrong question in the wrong place. Find a safe sub where you can talk to other people who will treat you and this with care.
Your husband is emotionally abusive and it is not worth wringing your hands over what he said because his way of thinking and behaving is self-absorbed and meant to exert power over you.
Verbally attacking, being disrespectful and passive aggressive…
Plan your exit.