I’ve recently started noticing a pattern with my girlfriend. When we have plans where both of us are going to be paying, it’ll end up being me who pays for whatever it is when we’re there then she’ll say she’ll transfer me the money later.
When I ask her to transfer it she’ll either put it off again or she’ll just complain about money and say she can’t really afford it.
This was starting to annoy me since it seems obvious she has no intention of actually paying and is just expecting me to. I told her from now on if we’re doing plans where we’re both paying that she can pay her half upfront or she can pay for it all and I’ll send her my half. She asked why and I explained to her.
She said it sounds like I don’t trust her but I just pointed out she’s not reliable and regularly doesn’t pay her way.
She said I was overreacting but I just said I’m sick of paying for everything just because she decided to pretend that she’s going to pay her half so she can pay upfront from now on.
She again said it was no big deal and I was overreacting.
AITA for expecting her to pay her half upfront?
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I’ve recently started noticing a pattern with my girlfriend. When we have plans where both of us are going to be paying, it’ll end up being me who pays for whatever it is when we’re there then she’ll say she’ll transfer me the money later.
When I ask her to transfer it she’ll either put it off again or she’ll just complain about money and say she can’t really afford it.
This was starting to annoy me since it seems obvious she has no intention of actually paying and is just expecting me to. I told her from now on if we’re doing plans where we’re both paying that she can pay her half upfront or she can pay for it all and I’ll send her my half. She asked why and I explained to her.
She said it sounds like I don’t trust her but I just pointed out she’s not reliable and regularly doesn’t pay her way.
She said I was overreacting but I just said I’m sick of paying for everything just because she decided to pretend that she’s going to pay her half so she can pay upfront from now on.
She again said it was no big deal and I was overreacting.
AITA for expecting her to pay her half upfront?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Expected my partner to pay her half of plans upfront.
She said I was overreacting and it was no big deal for her to pay me afterwards.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, she is clearly unworthy of any sort of trust.
NTA. If it’s no big deal, why can’t she just pay for it upfront?
You are not the asshole. Normally i would say communicate with her but she doesn’t seem to have very good communication skills. She invalidates your feelings, and gaslights you.
The only way to solve this situation (as i used to have a similar problem with my current gf) is to stop buying her shit until she is ready to bring up the situation herself, sit down and talk like a financially responsible adult.
You need to have a broader conversation about money. This may be because she judt doesn’t have enough and is struggling to afford the lifestyle you are living. She may be embarrassed or in denial and trying to hide it. She also may be just the type of person who is happy to mooch off someone which is not on. Financial honesty in relationships is extremely important so it needs to sorted.
Time to start forgetting your wallet more often.
Next time when the bill is due, pay half into her account and tell her you’ll meet her outside, then leave. She has no option but to pay in full.
Ynta. If she lied and didnt keep her word several times, and then tops it off by saying that its no big deal that she lied to you, then you should have some very long thoughts about your future with such a person.
Even the monumental disrespect aside, this clearly sounds like someone who views you as a quality of life enhancement machine.
I cant imagine any situation in which i would react in a similar manner to the grievances of someone i “supposedly” love.
Ynta and this absolutely IS a big deal if it happens on repeat. Her attitude towards you is showing crystal clear.
NTA she sounds like a user.
NTA if she cant afford it, then she shouldn’t go, or tell you what her budget is before plans are made.
NTA
Suggest that she pays the plans, and you reimburse the costs later on.
NTA it sounds like you don’t trust her because you do not trust her, on account of her history of untrustworthiness.
Do keep an eye on this though – financial incompatibility is a huge predictor for divorce and it sounds like she doesn’t have much of a grasp on budgeting, if she’s agreeing to pay her share then afterwards saying she can’t afford it.
Nta.
If she thinks it’s no big deal then it’s not a big deal for her to do one of your suggestions. I would refuse to book things in advance unless she pays upfront. If she won’t, then you’re not going. If you’re out to eat, tell the waiter up front that you’re splitting the check. If she gets mad, get mad back for her taking advantage of you.
Trust but verify, if it’s not a problem to pay you then she’ll have no problem paying when asked… NTA
NTA. I think you need to find a better girlfriend.
NTA, but why are you with someone who you don’t trust and who has no moral qualms about using you for money?
NTA. It’s not just the money that you don’t receive, it’s her character and integrity that is missing as well.
NTA
Trust is something that’s earned and it sounds like she hasn’t earned this trust if she’s late with payments all the time then of course you have a reason to not trust her / change the way that shared payments work
NTA at all. She’s clearly using you. Have you guys been out since you decided you will no longer pay everything upfront? I bet not.
She needs someone who wants to pay for her. Sorry.
NTA, you’ve noticed a pattern of behaviour that is taking advantage of you and where she misrepresents herself (“I’ll transfer it later” but never transfers = lying in my book). If she’s not reliable how can she expect you to trust her?
Not to be petty or mean, but to get an actual number, go back through your statements and tally up all the planned events you’ve shared together, and how many times she’s failed to re-imburse you. If you have text messages from her about plans and reimbursement tally those up too. Then you will have an actual figure of what she hasn’t paid, and from there you can decide if you want to have a conversation where you have evidence to back you up, evidence that shows that she’s untrustworthy because she doesn’t follow through.
This may be something she will break up with you over, since she’s reached the end of her free-ride and realises that you wont just swallow the costs, so you have to weigh up if the relationship with your gf is worth you paying for everything, or if you no longer want to be used in this form of financial abuse.
NTA
Tell her
IF it is no big deal and she intends to pay her share, then it is NBD for her to have the money in hand up front. You are not a payday loan service.
When you tell her this has become an issue for you, the response of a good partner is NIT to dismiss you, but to listen, understand and collaborate on a satisfactory solution.
Her track record gives you reason not to trust her to actually pay for something. If she wants you to trust her on money matters, she needs to flip her track record.
This is an important difference that can doom a relationship. Differences in managing money and how financial goals/ values related to money are the biggest reason relationships fail. If you two are incompatible, then it is better to find out now and part ways.
Personally, I think you should be prepared that this issue will lead to you two breaking up. Please know for yourself – whatever gf chooses to believe – that this isn’t you being petty or valuing money over her. This is you realizing that she isn’t going to be your partner in this major element of building a life together.