AITA
For context I’ve never actually been friends with this person nor have I had much to do with them other than 2 bucks parties we attended for mutual friends. He’s just always rubbed me the wrong way. One of our bucks trips there was going to be an exotic dancer I myself wanted nothing to do with seeing a stripper and was going to sit this activity out. I’d discussed with my partner and I had told her I wasn’t comfortable attending a strip club or attending a strip show. She’d also was uncomfortable with it and that was pretty much the end of the conversation for us.
Come time for the stripper and I said to my mates I wouldn’t be attending he was the only person who didn’t really respect my wishes. He also told me my partner didn’t need to know I had seen a stripper. It’s basically rubbed me the wrong way since.
Now where this gets complicated is he’s invited me to his wedding and his bucks and I really don’t want to attend either. I don’t want to invite to either of my occasions because he obviously has no respect for my partner or myself. I also think I’ve been invited as I’m apart the friend group but not on his side of the group.
WIBTA if I didn’t invite him to either of my occasions?
Comments
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AITA
For context I’ve never actually been friends with this person nor have I had much to do with them other than 2 bucks parties we attended for mutual friends. He’s just always rubbed me the wrong way. One of our bucks trips there was going to be an exotic dancer I myself wanted nothing to do with seeing a stripper and was going to sit this activity out. I’d discussed with my partner and I had told her I wasn’t comfortable attending a strip club or attending a strip show. She’d also was uncomfortable with it and that was pretty much the end of the conversation for us.
Come time for the stripper and I said to my mates I wouldn’t be attending he was the only person who didn’t really respect my wishes. He also told me my partner didn’t need to know I had seen a stripper. It’s basically rubbed me the wrong way since.
Now where this gets complicated is he’s invited me to his wedding and his bucks and I really don’t want to attend either. I don’t want to invite to either of my occasions because he obviously has no respect for my partner or myself. I also think I’ve been invited as I’m apart the friend group but not on his side of the group.
WIBTA if I didn’t invite him to either of my occasions?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because the bloke hasn’t really done anything wrong it’s just I don’t know him that well and he just rubs me the wrong way.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Simple resvp no to both, and make sure you have somewhere to be on both those dates
Yep, you’re the arsehole of you go to his and don’t invite him to yours, so the easy way to be NTA is to RSVP no to his events
NAH. Just say you can’t attend, and don’t invite him to yours. No big deal if you’re not even friends.
At the end of the day it’s your wedding, if you don’t want him there because it makes you uncomfortable then don’t. How often do you see him outside of these events? Would you face many repercussions? Does your wife also not want him there?
I have no doubt that he has clued into your dislike of him. I am sure that you are frosty with him. However, he has been kind enough to extend invitations to you so that you do not feel excluded.
Obvs you don’t have to attend his events. However, in an ideal world you would also be gracious enough to invite him to your events to ensure that he does not feel excluded. It’s the kind thing to do.
NAH because I have been in this situation and I did not invite the other person too. Their invitations dried up just as they should. So be prepared for that.
NAH. Just two not-friends not being friends. Nothing to see here.
NAH Sounds like he is trying to involve you in his wedding because he is considering the friend group as a whole. That’s fair enough. You don’t want to invite someone who you are not close to, who rubs you the wrong way, to intimate events in your life. That’s fair enough too.
There isn’t an easy answer here. You can make an excuse not to go to his events, but the problem is I can’t see an easily acceptable excuse not to invite him to yours if you’re inviting everyone in the friend group but him.
In the end I don’t see this as an AH thing either way, just a matter of trade offs, as you can’t get everything here. Each choice will come with its cost. You can suck up you and him attending each other’s events for the sake of group harmony, or you can not go and not invite him at the cost of the atmosphere becoming awkward in the friend group — and you don’t have control over their reactions, so it’s risky.
What do you want to guarantee most? The atmosphere at your wedding for you and your future spouse (no unwanted people attending), or the harmony in your friend group? Perhaps someone can suggest a clever way to have both, but I can’t see it.
NTA
You don’t have to go to his party or wedding if you don’t want to.
You also don’t need to invite him to yours, even if he’s part of the wider friend group. (Might he complain about that? Maybe. Might others get involved? Possibly? Does that mean you’d be an AH for it? Nope. You’re not obligated to invite friends of friends to your wedding.)
NAH. I would decline his invitation just so it doesn’t look like you imposed on his hospitality, but even if you did go you would not be obliged to reciprocate the invite.
NAH but don’t assume that your place in the friend group survives excluding him.
If it’s me I’m inviting him because a wedding invite is social capital. Someones boss, your mom’s best friend who invited your mom to her own kid’s wedding, cousin Edwin who you don’t like but you’re close with both of his siblings, your spouse’s college roommate or fraternity/sorority brother/sister, there are likely going to be invitations to people you don’t really care for or about anyway.
NAH. Politely decline and move on. It’s not that big of a deal. If anyone questions it, just state that you two don’t know each other well enough.
Even if you liked him, you still don’t have to invite him to your wedding.
I wonder what others in your friend group really think of him? Rejecting his wedding invitation would be a great start to excluding him from your life. With enough rejection, he may eventually move on. As others have said, you are under no obligation to attend his, or invite him to your wedding. At 22, you have a long way to go and people like him can be forgotten. Your life may change a bit after you are married. If and when you decided to have kids, that will make a huge difference in your relationship with others.
INFO: What do the other mutual friends think about this guy?
As someone planning a wedding right now, we’re not inviting people we don’t want there, regardless of the friends they know who are invited. I don’t care about offending people who offend me, and I don’t think you would be the asshole for not inviting him, but I do wonder how your mutuals may react and if that’s part of your concern.
Nta. You don’t have to invite anyone to your wedding whom you don’t want there
NTA – people typically take the approach with these events that they are the close of a door, and they use that as an excuse to behave in ways, they know largely don’t align with their partners, however they can also be used to deepen connections within existing relationships to carry forward into the new life your building to share. The ladder seems to be your approach, while the former is his.
Invitations are just that, invites not summons. And if asked you can be willing to share.
You do not have to be friends with everyone. You have seemingly long been able to successfully show up and support your friends, even with him present, so there should be no issue.