I, 30F, have lived with my mom and brother my whole life. I have a good full time job and a great salary; I’ve always just lived at home out of convenience (my mom looks after my pets when I go on vacation) and because my mom guilts me anytime I mention moving out. I started looking for a place to rent around April of this year but put off the search after my mom got injured at her job and had to stop working and my grandpa passed away. I have been on the waitlist for a really nice apartment complex in my area (top rated property management company where I live, 2 beds, 2 baths, and a private patio and they will allow my 2 dogs and 1 cat) and last week they contacted me to let me know I was next up for an available unit and I could sign the lease this coming week. I immediately told them yes and texted my mom in excitement.
Needless to say she’s pissed. Like literally isn’t speaking to me. I should say that she is currently waiting for a settlement from worker’s comp for her injury and has been advised by doctors that she needs to apply for disability. She has zero income at the moment and is not able to look for another job because of her injury. My brother is on a fixed income as well. I have every intention of continuing to pay the bills I already pay (Starlink internet, water, and phone) until my mom either gets her settlement or starts receiving disability. She doesn’t know this is my plan because she immediately started giving me the cold shoulder rather than talk to me.
AITA if I move out? Should I wait to move out until she gets her settlement or disability? If I wait to move out it’s unlikely I’ll be able to find a unit as nice as the one currently available for me. The units with this property management company never stay available for long, especially in the complex I’m on the waitlist for. My lease signing is scheduled for Wednesday and I have no clue what I’m going to do.
ETA: My brother owns the home we live in currently, there is no mortgage. He would just have to continue paying the power bill and take over groceries for my mom. I own the car my mom uses and she is free to continue using that (I cover all maintenance and pay for gas).
ETA 2: my brother is older than I am.
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I, 30F, have lived with my mom and brother my whole life. I have a good full time job and a great salary; I’ve always just leaved at home out of convenience (my mom looks after my pets when I go on vacation) and because my mom guilts me anytime I mention moving out. I started looking for a place to rent around April of this year but off the search after my mom got injured at her job and had to stop working and my grandpa passed away. I have been on the waitlist for a really nice apartment complex in my area (top rated property management company where I live, 2 beds, 2 baths, and a private patio and they will allow my 2 dogs and 1 cat) and last week they contacted me to let me know I was next up for an available unit and I could sign the lease this coming week. I immediately told them yes and texted my mom in excitement.
Needless to say she’s pissed. Like literally isn’t speaking to me. I should say that she is currently waiting for a settlement from worker’s comp for her injury and has been advised by doctors that she needs to apply for disability. She has zero income at the moment and is not able to look for another job because of her injury. My brother is on a fixed income as well. I have every intention of continuing to pay the bills I already pay (Starlink internet, water, and phone) until my mom either gets her settlement or starts receiving disability. She doesn’t know this is my plan because she immediately started giving me the cold shoulder rather than talk to me.
AITA if I move out? Should I wait to move out until she gets her settlement or disability? If I wait to move out it’s unlikely I’ll be able to find a unit as nice as the one currently available for me. The units with this property management company never stay available for long, especially in the complex I’m on the waitlist for. My lease signing is scheduled for Wednesday and I have no clue what I’m going to do.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA because I am looking to move out even though I know my mom has no income at the moment. I know me moving out at this exact time is extremely inconvenient but another opportunity like this might not come around again.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You have a right to live your own life. A good mother would be happy for you and encourage you. Not bring you down. Don’t give in to her manipulation.
Also, please not that she has cast you as a villain. And even covering costs for her once you move out won’t make her see you any different. So don’t pay. Once you are out, you are out. You are only responsible for costs where you live. Let her and bro figure out their living situation. Without any help from you.
Edit: She could have been happy for you and the step you are taking. And then maybe asked if you could maybe help her financially until disability or the settlement kicked in. But no. She went straight to anger and sulking. That’s a toxic and emotionally abusive person. You deserve better. Maybe look into therapy once you move out? You might be carrying more baggage than you realize due to her treatment of you.
Not the ah here, but I can see why mom is upset. She may feel like she’s being abandoned in a time of need, and I think ur best course of action would be to send her a lengthy text explaining your decision, why you made it, and what you plan to do moving forward.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have your own space as an adult, especially when you have the means to do so. And, in this economy, if you wait too long, you might never be able to move out. I’m sure mom knows this, but considering her current situation, it’s definitely safe to assume she’s just feeling a lot of pressure and you moving out is just another “stressor” to her long list of them.
However, all things considered, that shouldn’t ever stop you from doing adult things. Enjoy ur apartment brother, and, hopefully, things work out with ur mom o7
If you miss this opportunity you will regret it. Just do it. Imagine having a peaceful, quiet home. NTA
NTA. Time to finally live your own life. You are being more than gracious by continuing to pay for things even after you move out. Enjoy your new home.
Take the apartment and enjoy your life. It’s very kind of you to continue helping your mom after you move out but that doesn’t mean you have to give up this wonderful opportunity to have a place of your own that you love. NTA
INFO:
How old is your brother? Scenarios could be different if he’s 45 or 15
You have good intentions about paying bills and your mom may have gotten upset because she doesn’t know that.
Not that you NEED to do it but to not feel guilty of moving out (as you’ve been waiting for) I’d say tell your mom that you will pay certain bills even if you move out, and maybe your brother can start covering a bit more while he’s staying there?
It really upsets me when parents want to hinder their adult children’s growth, just because they are selfish and/or have no retirement plan.
Obviously, some people who are truly in poverty are there by no choice of their own. But so often, a pattern of behavior causes this.
NTA
NTA this sounds like a dream apartment and you’ll regret not taking the chance. If your mom doesn’t want to talk to you, I’d reconsider paying the bills
NTA: You list “financial stress” in the title, but your description points to the only real problem is a mother sad that a child is leaving the nest. Given you don’t mention a father in this story, it’s partially hard on you mother, especially since you’ve continued to live with your mother beyond an age most have moved out. There’s nothing wrong with moving out to start the next phase of your life, just understand this is a very difficult time for her.
NTA
Go live your life. Why isn’t your brother working though? As for your mother, expecting you to put your life on hold in order to provide for her in perpetuity makes her an asshole, don’t feel bad.
Move on with your life. It is very generous of you to continue to pay certain bills, but you should let your Mom know it is temporary. Perhaps you could pay your Mom to help with your pets. And if she can manage your pets, she could pick up other work petsitting. Your Mom has to find a way to manage. Release your guilt and know that your plan is completely appropriate. You cannot carry your Mom – it’s kind of you to help. P.S. Guard that 2nd bedroom. Somebody has their eye on it.
NTA. you deserve to go live your life.
Move. Enjoy the new relationship dynamics. You are now an adult!
NTA. It’s unfortunate your mom is going through that. But imo there will always be a reason for you to not move out. Prioritizing your wants and needs for once doesn’t make you a bad person. They are adults and they will be fine without you living in the same space.