Hi, I’m a 29M and I’ve been having a lot of doubts about the future of my relationship with my girlfriend (25F). She is very insecure and seems unable to accept my past, even though I keep reassuring her and trying to make her feel that she’s the person I want to build my life with.
Sometimes she likes to have “deep” conversations so we can get to know each other better (even though we’ve been together for 2 years now). I’m totally open to that and I like that we can share things with each other. The problem is, every time it ends up being the same pattern: she asks me questions about my past relationships, and it feels like none of my answers are ever enough. It’s as if she wishes I had never been with anyone before her. (For context, I’ve had sex with 6 people before her and have been in 2 serious relationships).
She often gets angry and tells me I’m not being sincere when I mention something new that she thinks I “hid” from her (like, for example, telling her I talked to a girl 2 years before we even met). To me, these things feel so trivial that I never thought to mention them. If I was really hiding something, I wouldn’t bring it up later. I’m genuinely open about my past and I have no shame in sharing it with her, but of course it’s possible that some details from my 27 years before meeting her don’t come up right away. That doesn’t mean I’m hiding anything.
Every time, she gets upset and compares herself to the other women. She even questions my sincerity when I tell her something she claims I “should have told her before.” I’m completely open to sharing details when she asks, but I won’t bring them up randomly. I find that disrespectful to my present life and relationship, which is what I’m focused on.
Another issue is that she sometimes asks me if I want kids. My answer has always been yes. I feel a strong desire to have a paternal role in my life. Then she follows up with: “But do you really want kids with me?” To which I always say yes. After that, she asks: “If we ever broke up, would you still want to have kids?” And at that point I feel a bit uncomfortable. I usually respond that I don’t imagine that scenario, but if it ever happened, yes, I’d still want children, whether that’s in another relationship or even as a single parent through adoption.
That really upsets her, because she says it makes her feel like she’s not the person I want to have kids with.
How can I reassure her and make her believe me when I say that I don’t think about my past relationships, and that I see my future life with her?
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You may need to have a talk and let her know that you are not going to answer these kinds of questions, if the result is always that you are getting accused or that she obsesses over things that happened years ago.
It’s interesting that you don’t mention is she’s ever been in a relationship before. At 25 I have to imagine she has.
She’s a hypocrite playing Gotcha, and it sucks. If you stay with her, I can guarantee that eventually she’s going to have a hissy fit that you weren’t a virgin when you met.
Nothing will change until she gets therapy as a single woman. She cannot navigate the things she needs to work on while actively guilt tripping someone because they had the temerity to have a past, and didn’t come in the original packaging material.
Do yourself a favor and end this toxic relationship. You can do so much better than this, and you DESERVE better.
Gets to a point where you don’t want to deal with her insecurities as it’s just draining. Up to you if you think the relationship is worth this amount of effort or just to cut your losses
You can’t reassure her, because you’re not the problem and you never were.
The problem is in her head. She’s insecure, but more importantly, she’s looking for reasons to upset herself and perpetuate this cycle of anxiety and insecurity. And I’m not saying she’s doing it on purpose – of course she isn’t, she probably doesn’t even recognize what she’s doing. But this is all a her thing. You aren’t doing anything wrong, she’s just seeking out upsetting things. You can’t fix that, it’s a choice she has to make for herself.
She needs therapy to figure out why she won’t let herself be happy, and why she keeps going looking for reasons to make herself feel more insecure.
You’ve been with six women? You hussy! Lol! Yes I know that word is used with women. I couldn’t think of a better word. Apparently she like some men, think you were suppose to sit on a shelf until she came along and choose you. She needs to understand there aren’t many men, especially at your age, that haven’t been with at least one person. She needs therapy not a relationship.
Stop talking to her about your past. It doesn’t hurt or affect her in any way. It’s your past before you met. Honestly dump her because she refuses to get over it. Nothing you do will ever be enough. You can’t erase your past.
You’re not the problem, she’s going through retroactive jealousy. Which while I genuinely can’t not understand (even look at the damn subreddit about it) its a mental issue that she’s gotta deal with. And she’s making her problem into your problem, which is not cool at all. I have no suggestions, in the subreddit many of those relationships were toxic as hell (due to said retroactive jealousy) and many would end up splitting
She’s being ridiculously immature. I would tell her that you’re not interested in talking about your past relationships anymore, because you’ve already talked about them enough, and you’re just not doing it anymore. As for her other ridiculous questions, just stop entertaining them altogether. If she gets upset about that, tell her it’s probably a good idea for her to get therapy and work on her insecurities, because they’re not your fault or your problem, and you shouldn’t have to accept being grilled about your past all the time.
It’s been 2 years already, enough is enough. If she can’t handle you putting a stop to this, then you should probably move on before her insecurities become a bigger issue, and find someone more mature. Good luck!
Stop having this kind of conversations. She can’t handle it.
So either you stop, or therapy for her, or just hope it goes away with time. There isn’t much other options.
Everyone has some kind of history. She is making her problem your problem. She should understand that you are with her now and that’s all that matters. She sounds insufferable so decide if you want to live like this. I wouldn’t.
i believe she might be a little mentally unstable. i am no saying it in a mean way, i guess this is something that clashes with her believes ( i guess). You could simply tell her that she can accept it or not, if she can’t (that seems to be the case) you need to break up with her. you can’t change your past but she can act that way neither
And the dude still wants to have kids with her lmao. She can’t handle a relationship and you wanna have her managing a human being?
Run, bro!
You can’t reassure her enough. She has previous experiences that are clouding her view of how things are with you.
Her toxic insecurity sounds absolutely exhausting. You have my sympathies.
You can’t. This is a problem only she can fix. She needs therapy. All you can do is refuse to engage on this topic.
Lol Dude? She’s a nutjob
I’m pretty sure you can’t be reassuring enough
You need a new girlfriend who’s not in high school mentally still.
I think your gf needs therapy. She is very insecure. It doesn’t sound like you can do much more than you already do to reassure her. I’m sure it gets tiring.
You can’t obviously because nothing you do or say is good enough. OMG This won’t get better it’ll get worse. I’m not like this and maybe I should be.
You girlfriend is very insecure but it’s her job to work on that, not yours. A reminder that for many women, finding a husband and staying “pure” is the messaging we receive, that can lead to women then obsessing about it with their partners because again, there was so much emphasis put on it for themselves.
Maybe kindly bring up talking to someone? 25 was such a hard age for me and I know it is for many women!
You need to have a serious sit down talk where you tell her you will no longer be discussing your past relationships as she uses any information she finds out to punish you. That you see yourself as a parent at some point and that you do hope it’s with her but you can’t keep exploring hypothetical situations that may never happen. She can either accept that you are committed to her or doubt it but it isn’t your job to constantly reassure her. If a partner of mine calmly told me what they were thinking and why I’d listen and communicate back if she cant do that any relationship you do have will be spent constantly reassure her and that’s not health for you.
Info: why do you have an account for a year but never post anything or make any comment until now?