My husband’s brother and his kids (2.5F and 5.5M) come over pretty often. I try to make our house fun and comfortable for them and we have a backyard play area, a living room play area, and even the basement you can run around in.
But every time they’re here, they end up in my 7-month-old daughter’s room. They’ll pull everything off her shelves and make a total mess. What bothers me even more is that their dad goes in there with them, sits down, and just lets it happen. They don’t clean up afterward either, so I’m left to do it.
I feel like bedrooms are private spaces you only enter if invited, especially a baby’s room. I already clean up after them in the shared areas, but it really bothers me that they’re also going upstairs into her room and wrecking it.
I don’t want to be a jerk about it, but I also don’t want my daughter’s room constantly trashed. AITA if I tell them they’re not allowed in her room?
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My husband’s brother and his kids (2.5F and 5.5M) come over pretty often. I try to make our house fun and comfortable for them and we have a backyard play area, a living room play area, and even the basement you can run around in.
But every time they’re here, they end up in my 7-month-old daughter’s room. They’ll pull everything off her shelves and make a total mess. What bothers me even more is that their dad goes in there with them, sits down, and just lets it happen. They don’t clean up afterward either, so I’m left to do it.
I feel like bedrooms are private spaces you only enter if invited, especially a baby’s room. I already clean up after them in the shared areas, but it really bothers me that they’re also going upstairs into her room and wrecking it.
I don’t want to be a jerk about it, but I also don’t want my daughter’s room constantly trashed. AITA if I tell them they’re not allowed in her room?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I’m the asshole for not wanting my niece and nephew in my daughter’s room to play with her things in there.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
A baby’s room should be peaceful and clean. It’s not a playroom.
INFO: Have you communicated with them that you’d rather they not go in there?
If you have, you’re NTA. Put a lock on the door.
NTA. You should shut that door (as much as possible) and make it clear to the adults that the room is off limits. I would also recommend you and your spouse sitting your BIL down and telling him, point blank, how disrespectful letting his kids trash your Baby’s room is and how much work he is making for you by allowing that, and that you expect this behaviour to stop or he (and his kids) won’t be welcome in your home.
NTA – your husband should have talked to his brother after the first time it happened. he should also be the one cleaning it up if it continues.
NTA. Tell them flat out they are not allowed in that room. Lock the door. Tell them that if they are not going to clean up after their kids, they need to stop coming over. You are not their maid.
Ideally, your husband should be doing this but you don’t mention him or his stand. If he won’t talk to them and make them behave when they visit, refuse to have them visit.
NTA-nobody should be playing in a room for a child under a year.
NTA, but why isn’t your husband saying anything. It sounds like you have a lot of areas for them to play and be comfortable. They may have been excited to see the baby’s room and gotten too comfortable. Moving forward tell them that you’d like to keep that space off limits. If they push, you could even say that it is where baby sleeps and you’d like to keep it free from outside dirt and germs.
NTA, and tell them to clean up the other areas before they leave.
NTA
Lock the door. NTA
INFO: why on earth has this happened more than once without you telling them to stay out of the baby’s room?!
NTA and lock the door
Nothing wrong with getting them to help you clean up their messes, teaching them to be respectful your home
NTA.
When they come over, bare minimum, close, and lock the door until they leave. Your husband should’ve already had a conversation with his brother about your baby’s room being off-limits, just like your bedroom.
There will come a day when your baby is helping them pull stuff down. Yes, your extended family can be thick witted about things, BUT as long as your child has the same rights in their home when she is “of age”, you will need to decide whether to just shake you head in wonderment of siblings, clean the room & count it as practice for the lifetime you now have until you die with that little girl baby. Those are her cousins you are slamming on & she will love them & interact with them for the rest of her life if you don’t ruin it for her. I host so yes, I clean afterward where my family has relaxed/played in my house. I send them home with happiness & leftovers. Yes, I will clean it up, while remembering the beauty of family. Your choice, NAH!
NTA. But you need to be assertive. You (or your husband) can simply tell them when they arrive that the nursery is off limits. “Hey everyone, you can go play in the basement or outside or in this play area, but not in the nursery.”
If they ask, just say that you want your child’s room to be their own private space and so until they are old enough to invite others into their room themselves it is going to be off limits.
Why aren’t you saying anything? Seriously I don’t understand why everyone says the husband should talk to the brother. It’s your house as well. Stand up for yourself and tell them the room is off limits.
NTA.
When my son was about 6 or so, when we had his cousins come over they would go into his room and destroy it by doing the same thing. He asked me the next time can he close his door and not allow anyone in it. I told him if he did that HE ALSO couldn’t go in there to play or get any toys. He told me that’s fine. So the next time they came over and wanted to go into his room, I stoped them and said cousin doesn’t want anyone in his room. We can play with the toys he brought out. The kids were fine with it…the adults were all saying it wasn’t fair he had all the toys “locked away”. I told them it was his choice and that’s the way it was going to go.
If you have a lock on her door…lock it!
INFO- Have you talked to your niece, nephew and their parents about staying out of your daughter’s room? Have you tried locking the door? Do they want to play with your daughter? Have you asked them to help clean up after themselves?
Absolutely not.
Before your BIL leaves the baby’s room (and the mess,) stick your head in and remind all three of them to clean up before they leave the room. It will be telling if you get any pushback from the adult. If you do get an argument, right then & there tell all three of them they can’t play in there anymore. That they have to play in the designated guest areas only. Turn and walk away before they can argue further.
If they left the room in a mess before you noticed, tell them in whatever room they are in at the moment. Witnesses are good!
Tell them in a quiet but firm voice. (Quiet is scarier than yelling. 😆) Do not back down no matter what they argue or who else in the family they get to side with them. Repeat (in the same quiet but firm voice) the EXACT SAME SENTENCE you used the first time. When they argue again, use the exact same sentence (each and every time). Do not deviate. Always quiet but firm. No yelling (no matter how much you want to).
Your house, your rules. Every. Single. Time.
NTA, their dad needs to start parenting them also. That’s unacceptable.
NTA
But you are being a pushover. Where is your husband during all of this? Have your husband set boundaries with his brother about where they can all go, and tell him that you need him to help cleanup after his kids
If he argues about it, then you also have a husband problem on your hands.
Question; what’s your husband doing to control his brother?
NTA, but you have allowed the expectation that you will clean up their messes when they visit, and that’s on you. Set the expectation that they will clean up after themselves (they are more than old enough), or they don’t get to play with anything.
As autumn & winter come, do you really want these kids bringing their germs to your baby’s bedroom? They’re bound to have colds, and both flu & COVID are making their seasonal comeback.
Wishing all well!
NTA, you should’ve started saying something in the beginning but since you didn’t you need to say something now. If you see they start heading to the room let them know they need to play in one of the areas designated. And at the end of the night start having them clean up. My sister and mother thought I was a jerk when I made my nephew clean up at 3 but that’s when they need to learn to take care of your and other people possessions and to clean up after themselves. If dad doesn’t want the kids to do it then he can do the cleaning up and I bet he’ll start having them do it themselves. Also…kids carry so many germs, it’s ridiculous. Let them know you’d like to keep the baby’s room as clean as possible. Keeping little dirty hands out of her room is imperative to protecting her health
You will just need to say, baby’s room is not play area. If/when he gets pissy stand your ground, you to not have to justify the decisions you make in your home. you say no playing in the baby’s room, he says aw come-on or whatever, then pulls the bully/passive agressive sentence of his choice. You immediately reply: My home, my rules and I do not have to justify them to you. If you don’t like it, you are welcome to leave.
or passive agressive him from the start and put a lock on the door. Wait for them to ask to go in there and just say, oh, we have plenty of places to play, baby’s room isn’t one of them.
Just put a hook and eye at the top of baby’s door
Hear me out-
For many parents their kid’s bedrooms are also playrooms. Assumptions were made here.
Before the family visits again, make it clear that the baby’s room isn’t really a play area.
Then set up a designated play area for your niblings when they do come over.
NTA
Just put a lock on it or a key pad lock it —problem solved
NTA, just tell them babys room is not a play area. Stop this before they go in. Speak up.
Why are they just wondering around your house? When they come over tell them the ( pick which area you want them in) that the children can play here. If the children mention wanting to play in babys room just say no. We are playing here. Is no one watching these children?
Get your husband to tell his brother that the kids cannot be in your baby’s room, If he asks your husband why, husband should tell him that he allows his kids to make a mess of the room and he does nothing about it. If brother promises to change, he needs to say sorry and that the kids have access to plenty of space.
NTA. But I’m confused about why BIL is sitting with the kids in your child’s room. You didn’t mention if you have other children so I’m assuming there are no other kids for them to play with. But a 5yo is old enough to play independently. If they feel like the 2yo is not old enough to play out of sight of the parents, I get that, and the child should play in, I don’t know, the public areas of the house so the parents can supervise while talking to the other grownups.
It’s a pet peeve of mine when parents don’t leave the kids to play and over supervise or butt into the play too much. I get that kids go through phases as toddlers. My son would try to take me away from the other people at parties when he was 3. But I worked on that with him and moved him back to play with the other kids or at least be in the same place as the grown ups. If I wanted to sit and play with my child with no one else there we could have stayed home for that.
It’s honestly completely rude of the dad and children to come into someone’s bedroom to make a mess then leave it. What kind of foolish behavior is this? I wouldn’t invite them over for a while or go to their home instead.
NTA To simply stop it without being the fun police, I would put privacy locks on all the rooms upstairs. Then when you have guests just lock it, you can release them via the emergency access button on the bottom after they leave, but more importantly they keep out unwanted guest in the bedrooms. I have done this and after the first few visits, people don’t mention it anymore and more importantly, people don’t go where I don’t want them to.
Nta
Put a lock on the door and if he says anything then tell him that hes raising his kids to not respect others spaces so you’re keeping them out.
My kids will destroy their playroom and throw toys everywhere sometimes but when we go to their uncles house they sit and play.
Your bil is setting his kids up for failure
Lock the door. Simple.
Put a lock on the door.
If you can’t speak up in regards to your childs room what are you going to when school starts? You are your childs advocate. It is one of your most important jobs as a parent. Quit accepting that you are non confrontational. That is not a badge of honor.
NTA but instead of you telling the kids, your husband should tell his brother. Don’t get sucked into dealing with this simply because you’re the female partner. Your husband should tell his brother to start parenting properly or they won’t be allowed at your place anymore. And if your husband won’t deal with it then let him clean up their f’ing messes.
Look you should have set boundaries from the get go. This is jealousy plain and simple and looks taught by their dad. Put your foot down and ban them if necessary. They know what they’re doing and will get worse
NTA
Ffs why do you put up with any of this? Seriously, tell your brother to shove off. Family doesn’t get a special pass to trash your place.
NTA … just tell your brother-in-law not to let the kids go in there. You didn’t mention it, but have you ever said anything about that to him? If not, he probably doesn’t even realize that you don’t like it. Also, he is a man so cleaning up after his kids also might never have occurred to him (sorry in advance if any men who are neat and tidy are reading this). For a second step, you could always put one of those little hook and eye type door closures up high enough on the door so the kids can’t just open your daughter’s bedroom door by themselves.