So, I (30M) was invited a couple of weeks ago to my cousin’s (30F) wedding.
We were really good friends growing up, but later on, when I came out as gay, we somehow fell apart (she didn’t comment on it, but didn’t stand by my side either).
Anyhow, the wedding is out of town, and on a working day evening, and guests are expected to pay for their own meals at the reception.
But that was not the problem, the issue is: no plus-ones unless the other person is married to you, and while I have a boyfriend, gay marriage is still not legal where I live. So I strongly felt this was aimed at me!
I politely told her that I will not be attending the wedding, at which she started screaming that family must come first, and I’m not supporting her in her once-in-a-lifetime day!
Now my cousin is apparently telling people I’m boycotting her marriage!!!
So, AITA for refusing to attend a wedding that refuses to celebrate my way of love?
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So, I (30M) was invited a couple of weeks ago to my cousin’s (30F) wedding.
We were really good friends growing up, but later on, when I came out as gay, we somehow fell apart (she didn’t comment on it, but didn’t stand by my side either).
Anyhow, the wedding is out of town, and on a working day evening, and guests are expected to pay for their own meals at the reception.
But that was not the problem, the issue is: no plus-ones unless the other person is married to you, and while I have a boyfriend, gay marriage is still not legal where I live. So I strongly felt this was aimed at me!
I politely told her that I will not be attending the wedding, at which she started screaming that family must come first, and I’m not supporting her in her once-in-a-lifetime day!
Now my cousin is apparently telling people I’m boycotting her marriage!!!
So, AITA for refusing to attend a wedding that refuses to celebrate my way of love?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to my cousin’s wedding
And although we were really good friends, she felt like this was a personal attack on her, while she is the one who was wrong, so I’m not sure I did the right thing
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You are not obligated to attend.
NTA
Don’t bow down. You aren’t ruining her day by not contributing to her crowd on the event date. You’d just be another face in the crowd. Is it normal to not allow +1s where you are? That’s a bit bizarre. Excluding those not yet married from seeing the “moment of wedded bliss” sounds a bit counterproductive. Which tends to lead me to believe that policy may well be directed at you specifically. She hopes to expose you to “straight culture” so you’ll see what you’re missing. But of course, you’re only missing it because you’re not yet with the right S.O. and as such haven’t traveled abroad to get married until your country grows up.
Return fire: Why are you getting married when I can’t get married? You should be standing firm and boycotting marriage altogether until I (and everyone like me) is allowed to marry whomever we choose. You should be recruiting others to this human rights issue. Not berating me for not supporting your privilege. Honestly, if you’re not with me on this I can’t imagine why you think we’re “family enough” to invite me to your wedding.
FYI: I am straight. It’s not my issue directly: But it’s a human right so … my wife and I did not get married until it was legal here for everyone to marry whomever they choose. It only took a couple decades.
I hope you’re not risking arrest by merely being gay. Or risking your career by being out. In either of those cases simply saying you’re too busy and she’s been too distant for too long for you to consider the trip or spending money on her.
NTA
It’s not required to attend someone’s wedding. Not even a family member’s wedding. They’re not required to give you a +1, you’re not required to attend. It’s not a court order.
NTA, and no great loss considering that you two were drifting apart and that she doesn’t sound like the sort of person you want in your life anyways. I’m assuming your response was more of a ‘Aw, shucks; I’m sorry I’m not going to be able to make it’ and not with your (valid) reasons as to why you didn’t feel invited. Stupid people can’t be reasoned with, only managed, and the best management is to keep things like that to a minimum.
Same with any conversations with family; “I don’t know what she is talking about, I just can’t make it. From there her attitude really made me feel like I should not go”.
YTA for your reasons and for spinning a tall tale.
>refusing to attend a wedding that refuses to celebrate my way of love?
You seem to really want to be a victim here. So unless people apparently aggressively, vocally support you they don’t “celebrate your way of love?” Holy shit, grow up.
And why would a wedding between a straight couple celebrate “your way of love?” It’s not your fucking wedding.
>So I strongly felt this was aimed at me!
It’s not and this is a pretty standard way to do plus-ones.
>she started screaming that family must come first, and I’m not supporting her in her once-in-a-lifetime day!
This never happened.
Why do you care?
NTA
If HER family came first to her, she would extend an invitation to your boyfriend and not hide behind a stupid “marriage only” rule when that is not even an option for you. She’s a fucking hypocrite.
NTA, why is she so mad about you not attending?
NTA.
People don’t attend weddings for a myriad of reasons, all of which are OK. Wish them the best and send a gift and card. Ignore the selfish tantrums and whining.
NTA. You don’t owe attendance to anyone.
ESH
You ARE boycotting her wedding, your post, especially the last sentence, makes that clear. If that’s what you want to do, then own it. Not owning your stuff makes you TA.
Of course your cousin is too, but that doesn’t justify you playing victim and not standing up for what you believe.
If there were no plus ones, why would you assume it was directed at you? Why would she alienate all her other single friends just because of you? She has gone as inexpensively as she possibly can – -workday night, guest pay for their own dinner — which means she can’t afford plus ones.
Don’t get offended based on assumptions. Ask her directly: Does everyone not get plus ones or is it only me? Why are you having no plus ones? Is it because I will bring a man?
That way you will find out if YTA or she is.
Wedding guests have to pay for their own meals???? Out of town on a workday evening? Is it a Fri? If it’s not a Fri, it depends on how “far” the drive for out of town is. If it requires a plane, I’m not going. No plus ones except marriage partners???
NTA. Your time belongs to you. You don’t have to attend if you don’t want to.
NTA. But just to clarify, I’m in the U.S. and it is not unusual here for a couple to only offer +1s to married couples. I suppose it’s a cost-saving measure.
In your case, it would have been nice to offer the +1 on account you cannot currently marry your partner, but I don’t see any evidence that she chose that format specifically to aim it at you. You said yourself that she “she didn’t comment on it” previously, so she doesn’t have a history of voicing disapproval of your partnership. I think you read into it too much.
That being said, you under no obligation to attend.
A cousin you barely talk to when straight to screaming over you not going to her wedding? I am feeling my very cynical about the veracity of the stories on here lately; but, in case, NTA. Of course don’t go if you don’t want to!
NTA. Honestly, having to pay for my own dinner would be enough to make it a no for me.
Who has a wedding and makes guests pay for their own meal at the reception? That alone is NTA. If anything, SHE is!
Let her freak out. Tell her you’ll catch the next one when she learns about wedding etiquette. Grrrr
NTA. Her reaction proves that you’re 100% right.
Just one thing, calling people “guests” when they’re buying their own dinner is a stretch.
NTA
She’s a homophobe and just trying to not-so-cleverly disguise it. She’s not worth your time or effort. If anyone asks, tell them the truth.
NTA – I don’t understand pay for your own meal. Is it a drive thru?
She’s not refusing to celebrate that you’re gay. If you were straight, you couldn’t bring your girlfriend unless you were married.
Where do you live that there’s not marriage equality? Some people don’t even believe in marriage, but her rule is you can only come with a spouse. Her wedding, her rules. You can do whatever you want.
I’ve never heard of paying for your own meal at the reception and I’m not even sure why she’s bothering to invite people if she’s not going to host things. This sounds very complicated on many levels
NTA. If your boyfriend is not welcome as a plus one you should consider yourself unwelcome.