My friend got laid off like 2 months ago and has been crashing with me since. She was paying some rent (not the full amount, but something) and her share of groceries. I never thought she was freeloading or anything.
The issue is more me. I’ve had a lot going on and I was starting to feel really anxious and overstimulated. I didn’t have space to just be by myself and reset, and I felt like I was breaking down. Living alone in the past really helped me cope, and I could tell I needed that again.
So one night I texted her saying I didn’t think I could keep doing the living situation. My thought was we’d talk in the morning and maybe set a timeline (like November) so she’d have time to figure things out. Instead she cried, packed up, and left the same day. I didn’t even know what to say when I saw her packing.
Later she told me she valued the arrangement, that she always paid her share, and then said her mental health was declining too. Honestly it felt more like she said that because she was hurt than something she actually thought before.
Now I feel guilty. I wasn’t trying to kick her out on the spot, just protect my own peace. But from her side I probably looked like an asshole who made her leave when she’s already in a rough place.
So, AITA to ask her to move in this situation?
My message to her for context, (I think the communication was not kind enough).
Hey k,
I have a lot going on in my life right now that I need to work through, but I feel like I don’t have the headspace or space to figure it out. I love you, but I don’t think I can continue with our current living situation. Not having enough space is starting to affect my peace of mind and daily routine.
I really want to support you, but living together is making that harder for me. I think moving apart will actually help me be a better friend to you, because we won’t have this added tension.
Even the closest friends can find living together difficult long-term, and I don’t want this to affect our friendship. Would you be open to looking into an Airbnb or another option soon?
I’m sharing this over text so you have some time to think about it before we talk—I don’t want to catch you off guard.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My friend got laid off like 2 months ago and has been crashing with me since. She was paying some rent (not the full amount, but something) and her share of groceries. I never thought she was freeloading or anything.
The issue is more me. I’ve had a lot going on and I was starting to feel really anxious and overstimulated. I didn’t have space to just be by myself and reset, and I felt like I was breaking down. Living alone in the past really helped me cope, and I could tell I needed that again.
So one night I texted her saying I didn’t think I could keep doing the living situation. My thought was we’d talk in the morning and maybe set a timeline (like November) so she’d have time to figure things out. Instead she cried, packed up, and left the same day. I didn’t even know what to say when I saw her packing.
Later she told me she valued the arrangement, that she always paid her share, and then said her mental health was declining too. Honestly it felt more like she said that because she was hurt than something she actually thought before.
Now I feel guilty. I wasn’t trying to kick her out on the spot, just protect my own peace. But from her side I probably looked like an asshole who made her leave when she’s already in a rough place.
So, AITA here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I sent her a text in the night which was very to the point without considering her situation. Below is the message
Hey k,
I have a lot going on in my life right now that I need to work through, but I feel like I don’t have the headspace or space to figure it out. I love you, but I don’t think I can continue with our current living situation. Not having enough space is starting to affect my peace of mind and daily routine.
I really want to support you, but living together is making that harder for me. I think moving apart will actually help me be a better friend to you, because we won’t have this added tension.
Even the closest friends can find living together difficult long-term, and I don’t want this to affect our friendship. Would you be open to looking into an Airbnb or another option soon?
I’m sharing this over text so you have some time to think about it before we talk—I don’t want to catch you off guard.
This action made me an asshole because I should have explained her to have more time and shoes overall compassion
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Objectively (and subjectively IMO)
She’s likely not on the lease from what it would appear, so legally you have no obligation to put her up. If this is a house, then even more so no obligation to keep her there. The fact that she left on the spot also indicates that she had somewhere else she can stay, so there’s no need to feel guilty about the situation predicated on the idea that you put her on the street.
The one thing I will say is a bit asshole-ish is your comments on her mental health comment. That may be how you feel/see the situation, but it does no harm to give caution to the wind on those things and so please don’t so readily dismiss someone’s comments about their own mental wellbeing.
EDIT: Saw the addition of the text message. I don’t think it’s enough to put you into E-S-H territory, but when it comes to serious things such as living arrangements, doing so over text is just not quite tactful. OP, it’s better to always discuss those things in person.
NTA for wanting your own space. If you haven’t done so already, I suggest you make it clear to your friend that none of this is their fault and they didn’t do anything wrong.
You’re not an asshole for wanting her to move out. You were doing her a favor, and that favor was coming to an end.
You didn’t handle it very well tho. In fact, I’d classify it as “handled badly”. IF you wanted to talk to her in person about it, the way to do that is not by texting her “I don’t think I can keep doing this living situation”. That seems pretty definitive, and doesn’t imply at all that there is much wiggle room. Whatever you were thinking, you didn’t state anything that remotely could imply you were thinking she could stay on for a few more months.
To be sure, packing up and leaving that day seems extreme. However, not only did you not text her something like “hey tonight lets talk about the living arrangement”, when you got home and saw her packing you what, just stood there open mouthed and not saying anything? SEriously? What is this? a badly written tv show where the conflict could have easily been solved by simply stringing a few words together, e.g. “Hey friendo, I wasn’t saying immediately. I was thinking a few months. I am sorry my text was so badly worded. Lets talk it through”?
YTA
EDIT: Well you updated your post to include the message which seems pretty wildly different than your original post which is auto recorded. While you wrote something that definitely seems softer… I honestly don’t know if I buy it. That is a really long text. like really long….
I don’t know dude. Does not sound like your text was clear that you wanted to discuss a timeline when she would leave. Some conversations are not meant for text and should be done in person or at least over the phone.
Asking for space to protect your mental health is reasonable, living together can be hard even with close friends. The way you communicated came across as abrupt, which likely made her feel cornered and prompted her sudden reaction, but that doesn’t mean your need for boundaries was wrong. If you want to mend things, reach out with a calm, compassionate message that clarifies you didn’t expect her to leave the same day, acknowledges how that must have felt, and offers concrete help or a timeline so she doesn’t feel abandoned. You can keep your boundaries and still show care.
NTA Your text was pretty clear to me — you wanted her to look into another option in the near future (not today,) and you wanted to talk about it.
She reacted rashly. Not your fault.
You weren’t wrong for needing space, but texting it like that made it feel like an eviction notice, next time, talk in person first, tone matters as much as timing
NTA you can change your living arrangement, but leaning towards Y T A.
Your text isn’t clear and I could see why she thought you meant right away “Would you be open to looking into an Airbnb or another option soon?” You say soon that’s simple mistake but why I say leaning a towards Y T A because when you got home and saw her packing you could’ve said something then to fix the miss understanding.
Yeah so when you’re unemployed, you get depressed. I don’t think they are just saying it.
Putting it the way you did does come off as urgent. As in your mental health is on the line right now, so she has to move out immediately.
Honestly I don’t see this friendship lasting. Sort of kicked them while they were down. Now they know you’re not the person to rely on when things go bad.
Had you not sent the text, I would have recommended you ask for alone time instead.
Lastly, I would say that as far as mental health goes, isolation is close to the bottom of the list for recommendations.
NTA, but I don’t think them moving out will have the intended benefit for your mental health. I think that you lost someone in your support system and that will have a detrimental impact on your well being.
Truly the last thing I’ll say, it seems the main point was you can’t unwind and be yourself? What is a friend if not someone who you can be yourself/relax around? Food for thought.
Damn. “You moving will actually help me be a better friend to you?”
Damn
She was a tenant, so I think you got sort of Lucky by her leaving since you would have had to give her whatever your state’s requirement is.
Were you sleeping in the same room? What was it about her presence that was so disturbing?
I like my space too. But texting someone. Especially someone who is supposed to be a good friend and telling them in this way is an asshole move in my opinion
NTA
You’re always allowed to keep your space to yourself. Any friend that’s “crashing “ should understand that it’s a temporary arrangement and they will need to find a different place soon. 2 months is long enough to figure things out if they’re actively trying. I think this may have been better handled in person than over text, but I think this will smooth over in time.
To me, it seems like she readily agreed with you and was out with no discussion because she really did agree with you—- you were both bringing each other down. OR, she’s pissed and doesn’t want to talk. Hopefully she does have another place… Either way, you are not the ahole for taking good care of yourself.
NTA for asking her to move out. However, YTA for sending a text instead of just talking to her. A conversation would have held all the nuance you say the text lacked.
NTA, but if you are going to send a text you should have included the timeline bit. Since you included “so you have some time to think about it before we talk” you made it clear that you planned to discuss it face to face soon, so your roommate overreacted by moving out so suddenly.
NTA – Your friend is not your child. She’s not your responsibility. You’re not required to give up your freedom and space and autonomy just to “help her out.” It’s been two months. She could be door dashing – or fighting to find something. I get so tired of people who just hit a tough time – and they look around and start expecting those around them to pony up and fill the slack.
Like what? And WTF is it your responsibility to handle her crisis? It’s not. Honestly – if someone told me I had overstayed my welcome – I would have been “Thank you for the opportunity – how much longer do I have and what can I do to make that time easier for you? do you want me to stay out in the evenings? What?”
Her response was immature. And it shows she was subconsiously expecting you to fix her life. Nope.
If she needs help she needs to involve her village, her family and her other friends. Not the one person who has a “lot going on.”
You’re not the arsehole for needing your own space, they are stressed for their own reasons and so are you.
I think this is more a lesson learnt moment for yourself, know your own limits when it comes to helping a friend. There might be a chance that you gave her the impression that this was okay and you were going to be their saftey bet in this tough period. but now your burnt out, it would have been better not to offer a cheap living arrangement in the first place.
Next time just have a good think about what you do have the energy to help with, it could be helping them with their CV to get a job, or just emotional support. You don’t have to overextend yourself to help, it usually backfires for the both of you. Sometimes even creating more problems for the one in need.
So no, I don’t think you’re an arsehole. I just think you need to put up boundaries you can maintain. But I do think you not establishing your own boundaries early on has probably hurt your friendship more than it would have if you offered less from the start. The help needs to be sustainable for an extended period of time.
NTA this is what happens when you try to send a long message to someone who just skims, or only reads your very first point(which sadly seems to be a lot of people these days). You clearly said it wasn’t something that had to happen immediately, just wanted her to know she should start looking for something else. If she took that as “get out now” that’s kind of on her.
YTA for sending this in a text and not directly talking to her and explaining where you’re at.
Your NTA for wanting your own space, that’s valid. You just handled the situation very poorly – especially if she’s a friend who’s been contributing and not bludging.
I think you did fine. Your reasoning is totally different but it is true in addition that it costs someone for her to live there and if she isn’t paying for it, it would be on you. So there is that side of it too. However you were explaining you need the solitude and doing roomies wasn’t going to fulfill your need. She’s in a tough spot but the situation has to work for both of you
None of your actions were immoral. Your tone could have been gentler, but aside from continuing to experience pain to support a friend in need, which you’re not really obliged to do, there’s nothing else you could have done.
NAH
NTA for needing your own space, but it’s clear you lack tact and the ability to communicate clearly and honestly. Your “friend” is certainly better off without you in their life.