I 37F was out with my friends in the city on Saturday and my boyfriend was watching football in the same city with his friends. I just spent the night with him on Friday night made breakfast in the morning kiss him. Goodbye asked him if I would see him and he said he would be watching football. We’ve been dating for two years and things have been really good lately. We’ve overcome a lot of obstacles together and finally settled into a nice healthy routine. I would say we’re serious. We talk about marriage. We talk about moving in together.
I’ve been trying to give him his space and let him do his thing with football comes around. But he normally texts me while I’m out with my friends sometimes we hook up later. I ask him if I can stay the night he says, of course, but then he said something weird like my father is gonna be there until 945. I find that odd because his dad is 80 years old lives 20 minutes away And never comes on the weekends alarm started going off and I started getting suspicious.
Long story short I saw him at an intersection serendipitously walking across the street with his friend and two women I didn’t know. Of course I get out emotional hurt angry and I confront him his friend and the two girls walk off and I’m like what’s going on here. It looks like a date. He said it’s not a date and I said well then can you explain to me what this is and he said it’s nothing. He says one of the girls is his friends cousin. I’m yelling at the intersection. People are driving by people are hearing. I’m very very emotional. I’m yelling. I shove him. He walks off.
I go down to the bar where his friends and those two girls walked down there I shove his friend. I’m arguing with his friend. I’m yelling at his friend we walk outside. I confront the two girls, and I asked them which one is his friend’s cousin, they said that they had just met them that night and they were not his cousin so my boyfriend lied to me.
Now he won’t speak to me he’s done the silent treatment before is offered no accountability no remorse no insight. I have a feeling that they are going to gaslight me and make it seem like I’m an irrational, impulsive, crazy woman.
My question is, how could I have handled this a different way and is this relationship salvageable?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
While a public freakout is not usually an acceptable reaction to most things, catching your boyfriend hanging out with other women he probably picked up at a bar or club is probably one of the things it is acceptable for.
Do you want to salvage it? Do you trust him not to do this kind of thing again?
Not salvageable bb, you deserve better than a lying man who brings that out of you
The best thing to do is just walk away and be permanently unavailable.
You deserve better, but handle this in private, ask questions but keep your composure. Don’t get physical
Be glad you discovered this before getting engaged or married. Block him on all accounts.
Salvageable?!! 🥴 The real question is why would you stay?! He will cheat on you, if he hasn’t already. Girl, walk away.
You caught him with 2 other women AND he lied to you?
Dump his cheating ass. How many other times has he been having one night stand nights and telling you he was watching footie with the boys?
Why would you even want to salvage it? He’s a liar and a cheater. He’s not even sorry. Walk away and be glad you found out before you married him.
You caught this man in a lie. Why on earth would you want to salvage this?
They were leaving a bar going to…? You were put off about spending the night, and he was with other women. Please, tell me why you are more worried about confronting him in public than about him lying about being with other women. Please.
And why exactly do you want to salvage this? He was probably planning on cheating. And definitely lying to you
I wouldn’t speak to you again either, you sound insane.
Easy to see why he would lie about what he was doing. He knew you’d fly off the handle even if he told the truth. What he did isn’t cheating but he knew you’d see it that way and he still wanted to go out with friends so he lied to protect himself. Yall should break up, he doesn’t trust you to handle you emotions and you dont trust him to be alone with his friends
Your boyfriend lying and hiding the night out with the girls is a big red flag. I also feel like you should’ve handled it a lot better as well. Anything physical is never okay. I understand it was in the heat of the moment but a simple call or a “hey hunny! I just so happened to see you, what are you up to? Hug and kiss. Would’ve been a better approach so that he’s not so defensive and it allows the girls to know he’s in a relationship as well.
Ive been with my bf for 3 years and he would never put us in a situation like that. Considering you’ve mentioned before that you guys have been rocky, I’d take this time to self reflect and really think if you really want this relationship. Personally, if my bf did that to me and lied, I’d lose so much trust in him especially if he was avoidant about it that I couldn’t go on with the relationship anymore. This is something I couldn’t look past, especially if I knew he was lying. Don’t make excuses for him and find a better approach next time even though emotions are high.
I’m not going to sugarcoat what you did, but neither will I sugarcoat what he did.
He lied to you and betrayed your trust, which obviously made you furious.
Of course, that made you furious, and I’m not going to criticize you for losing your temper, but confronting and yelling at the two girls? Why? You realize that your husband is the one at fault, right? Why go and disturb the peace of those girls who clearly had no idea?
MY question is – why would you want to save it?
Why do you want to salvage the relationship? And why do you care if he tries to gaslight you? You’ve gathered enough information to know the truth. These are women they met that night at a bar/club. He clearly lied to you multiple times that night. At best he isn’t as committed as you thought. At worst he’s been actively cheating on you with randoms and calling it hanging out to watch football. I think it’s time to cut your losses and move on.
Not ok for physical contact. Other than that you did the exact right thing. He’s pissed he was caught red handed & had no way to weasel out. No excuse for cheating so trying to make it about your reaction than his action. Your EXboyfriend is a jerk!
Don’t feel bad for your instincts. If you had not gotten angry you would not even have gotten the truth.
There’s nothing to salvage girl.
You deserve a lot better than a guy that meets random women at a bar.
You could have also photographed it for evidence against gaslighting.
The fact that he’s not communicating indicates to me that maybe he doesn’t value the relationship. Plus, the fact that following the confrontation, he chose to continue pursuing these women.
Find a better boyfriend.
> I have a feeling that they are going to gaslight me and make it seem like I’m an irrational, impulsive, crazy woman.
The anger was justified, the actions not so much. Getting physical with a partner is a problem, getting physical with others is a problem. All this in public. People saw you on the street. People saw you in the bar. That behavior could go anywhere from nobody caring enough to facing time for assault, depending on jurisdiction, general attitudes in the area and how busy the police were that night, among other things. It went there.
Salvaging this nonsense seems moot. Lies and lies led there, and if there’s anything positive to be found in all this, it’s that people don’t always have such an obvious catch out. You saw him. Explanations can fumble around and maybe be plausible with enough time and preparation, but sprung then and there as he was, especially after that bit about his dad, it’s much harder for him to spin it.
I would tell this to any of my kids if they ever find themselves in this or a similar situation…. Count your blessings and walk away, think of all the heartache you’ll save yourself.
You can’t trust him to be faithful, or honest. What is there to salvage?
Dump him, he’s obviously living a different life when you’re not around.
That being said, you do not get to put your hands on others. No matter how mad or if he cheated. Unless you’re defending yourself physically, you can’t just shove people. Let alone multiple people.
Why do you want to salvage this relationship?
Is the friend, single, married? Basically, is he going to claim he was playing wingman? For a lot reasons you should not salvage this relationship, he’s a big fat liar. Was he expecting you to come to his place after 9:45 obviously before confrontation? Please at least make him come to you now.
Of course the relationship is NOT salvageable, well not unless you have absolutely no self respect. You would have to be an idiot to stay with that pathetic PoS, you called a boyfriend.
Here practice with me, EX Boyfriend, one more time EX Boyfriend, now doesn’t that feel much better. Just ditch him and block him. No need to put up with any of his gaslighting or anything, just tell him you are done with him. It truely is as simple as that.
Could you have handled it a different way, sure you could have, you could have moved straight to the ditch and block him stage, but who cares, you cannot change how you acted now and the PoS deserved to be called out in public. Anyway ditch and block. Time to move on
First of all, leave this man alone. Second of all, stop shoving people when you feel provoked. One day somebody is gonna put their hands on you in return and you’re not gonna like it. Third, love yourself more. ✨
Love, if you salvage it every time he is out you wont be able to sleep. Dont stay if this is gonna cost you your peace. Believe me, no one is worth the pain, leave now and your mental health will thank you later.
Sorry OP but there’s nothing to salvage here. Consider you finding out he’s a liar and cheater now divine intervention because divorces are messy and expensive. He’s trash and you deserve better.
Updateme
Walk away and never speak to him again.
Nothing he will say is going to help you. You saw it with your own eyes. What more do you need?!?
Just walk away and never speak to him again.
Curious is his friend single?
You should block him on everything and never speak to him again and if you run into him in the wild you act as if you have never met him before.
lol. Remember the when he said he would be with his Dad and he was really with other girls. That’s all you need. Just break up with him.
Run away from that relationship, you’ve probably done it before
You did the right thing. Brave move 👍
You should just leave.
Why do you want this cheater to talk to you? He is a cheater and a liar. Cut him off.
Is there ANYTHING that he could say to make his lying to you and going on a double date acceptable?
Treat him like he is dead to you.
He is a non-entity. Don’t beg or seek attention.
He will hoover around and try to gaslight you that you were wrong.
It’s not salvageable. If I’d have been there, as a friend, I’d have advised you to walk away, ghost him, never look back. You didn’t do anything wrong, though. He’s just not worth all that.
Salvage what?
He’s a liar and a cheater and you should be the one giving HIM the silent treatment. This is over.
In the future, which you will learn as you age and mature, this situation didn’t need to be handled so erratically.
A stone-cold, poised demeanor is far more effective (and frightening).
If you beg him back now, you’ve taught him he can do whatever he wants (and he will). Run!
The only way to handle this is to not keep dating a man who cheats on you. Doesn’t matter what he says or what he doesn’t say.
Btw your relationship was always a red flag from the “we finally settled into a nice healthy routine.” Like ??? So what’s it been like the whole time?
Stop selling yourself short. Stop putting up with men who don’t respect you.
He’s a liar and he’s never going to marry you. Don’t waste any more of your time.
You’re worth more than this. Break up with the loser and invest in some therapy, because your self worth is non-existent and you owe it to yourself.
You acted poorly, you assaulted two people. Physically contacting someone you are angry at is always wrong. Break up and get some therapy to figure out why you think it is OK to assault people you are angry at.
Here is how you handle it going forward. Block him and is friend on everything and never talk to his cheating ass again. Why give them the chance to gaslight you? End it and don’t look back…
why do you want to salvage a relationship with a cheating liar?
Grow a pair and dump him already, it is good he is not communicating with you just block him on everything and try to forget he exists.
I caught my EX bf 45M and his friend 45M out with two women (unknown ages) I acted confrontationally – there I fixed it for you
Girl, stand up. Dump him, he’s a cheater and a gaslighter that doesn’t care about you. But also please work on yourself, too, no man is worth making a spectacle of yourself.
So, you physically assaulted your boyfriend and his friend because you saw him walking with unknown women. You yelled and were aggressive to everyone involved. You asked how you could have handled it differently. #1 You don’t ever assault someone unless you are physically protecting yourself #2 You could have pulled him to the side and talked privately and calmly. If you didn’t believe his explanation you could have told him that and left to decide further non violent actions. You asked if it’s salvageable, the answer is 100% NO! It’s over and I imagine he thinks the same. You need to move on and heal because you clearly have trust issues. The women told you he just met them so there is your proof its not ongoing and he likely lied to avoid exactly what you did.
If it’s innocent he wouldn’t lie. Why would you want to salvage anything with a cheater? Move on!!!
You know exactly what’s happening here, you could’ve handled it differently by ending the relationship the other times you had suspicions (I’m sure there have been other times) and no, the relationship isn’t salvageable (you could get back together but it’d be more wasted life).
If you stay with him you will set the bar for how you will be treated moving forwards, you aren’t special to him, you are the back up sure fire bang maid when he doesn’t pull on a night out watching ‘football’
He’s cheating on you, always has, always will do, plus he’s doing it in your area because he doesn’t care if word gets back to you!
Stop acting like a pathetic doormat, this one’s not for you! Walk away with some dignity for Christ’s sake!
He is a grown ass 45 year old man, and he’s out here doing shenanigans like this?
Leave his ass.
He gave you the silent treatment!
That’s because he’s a man child who is punishing you, trying to make you feel guilty.
Don’t waste anymore time on him.
Sadly, no, I don’t think it’s salvageable. He was caught cheating. And he knows that you know, but instead of admitting what you both already know, he is doubling down and lying and blaming you.
Cheating can be overcome, but it requires the cheater to be fully honest and actually sorry about what they did. He obviously isn’t.
Wow 45? Sorry but i had to re read this is 25 year old stuff. You know. He knows.
No touching, no yelling, no insults. Let me save you from jail.
You are a wonderful pretty beautiful human being.
You go get someone BETTER.
Asking how you could’ve handled this differently implies you feel you handled this wrongly. It’s hard to tell you how you could’ve handled this differently until you say what about the way you handled it bothers you. Personally, I think the fact that after the way you handled it your BF’s balls were still attached to the rest of his body shows great restraint on your part.
No, this relationship is not salvageable. There’s no way you would ever be able to trust him after this. Think about it. If this is how he’s treating you after only 2 years, when things are going really good/you’ve settled into a nice healthy routine, how is he going to behave when life puts more obstacles in front of you/more years behind you? The fact that he’s giving you the silent treatment shows he’s not even willing to take responsibility, much less change his behavior. Bottom line: either he’s not into you, not into monogamy, or both.
Updateme!
Hi Op,
Two things are true here:
Your boyfriend lied and was purposely hiding something from you.
You acted irrationally, violently and angry in public and made a scene.
I don’t think there is anything to salvage here.
A man that lies to you knows when he’s in the wrong. Even if he wants to pretend to be a wingman still not right. Cut your losses
Please block him and move on. He will just do it again if you forgive him. He’s using the silence to plan his way out of this and determine how best to manipulate you.
>>> My question is, how could I have handled this a different way and is this relationship salvageable?
NOT SALVAGEABLE.
You really need to stop shoving people. It doesn’t matter what’s up, physically assaulting someone is not OK.
You reacted like a toddler and could have been arrested for assault. Your relationship depends on how much your cheating boyfriend likes to stick his dick in crazy.
You deserve so much better than someone who cheats and lies to you. Run, far and fast!!! Block him on everything and move on with your life.
You break up with him because he’s a liar and a cheater…??!! You deserve better!
You did what you did. A picture paints a thousand words. What your doing here is blaming yourself for the outcome simply because you confronted him. If he has no remorse, no insight, no explanation why in the world would you want to salvage this relationship. He’s duplicitous and a liar and it is better that you caught him doing what he did. Let it go and move on.
Consider his silent treatment the starting point of being done with him. Obviously he feels no need to explain or apologize to you so what else is there to say? You kind of lost your crap in public over him, do you really want to keep the source of that in your life?
Also, forget the question of IS it salvageable, the real question is why would you want it to be? He is a terrible person. You deserve better. A lot better.
What made you think it was okay to put your hands on any of them? No matter what he did to you that is never okay. You gave yourself permission to cross a line that is never okay to cross whether you’re a man or woman.
And why would you put hands on his friend who owed you no loyalty? And attack random women who probably didn’t even know you existed? They didn’t wrong you. They didn’t know you and didn’t owe you loyalty or fidelity.
He probably did lie to you and that’s definitely not okay but your behavior was so unacceptable that I can’t imagine how anyone could even care. You were the primary victim until you put hands on.
Edited to add:
Good gods, how are these comments concerned with his cheating when she is abusive? That would NEVER be the response if a man wrote this.
Walk away. No going back. He’s clearly been seeing other women for a while.
He’s a liar and cheater.
You don’t need to know any more.
Just walk away.
I think you are kind of a freak show and need to get yourself together before you date someone no matter how old you are.
Salvageable?? Block his sorry ass!
Not salvageable imo and you might want to start by physical altercations not being an immediate reaction when emotions run high. Also focus your emotions on the people who you’re actually supposed to trust. Screaming your head off at his friend and the two random girls just make you seem like a lunatic.
Like don’t get me wrong, I love confronting a cheating pos in public but there should be some control involved.
!Updateme