As the title states, my husband of one year always tries to keep me “humble”. He said this in his own words. He refuses to compliment me or make me feel confident because he thinks I’ll be delusional and think I’m better than I am. What ticked me off was today was while I was changing. He told me I looked very “unappetizing”. He compared me to food that looks gross but tastes alright. Like what does that even mean… How do I go about this? I don’t want to just tell him I need him to make me feel better about myself or force him to compliment me. This obviously puts a huge strain on our relationship and I resent him for it. Could really use some tips.
Edit: I’m not an egotistical person. I wouldn’t say I’m super confident but I’m comfortable in my own skin
Thank you guys!
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Why do you need to be humbled?
What does he think will happen if he compliments you? That you’ll feel good about yourself? That you’ll think your husband cares about you? Oh no, call the cops.
This is not a man who cares about you. This is a man who enjoys insulting you. Your marriage is young. Leave before you get too enmeshed with him.
Yikes. Resentment one year into marriage… He’s trying to manipulate you and keep you feeling low 😬😬
Was he a jerk even before you married him?
You should humble him right back and see how much he likes it.
You should really get into couples counseling because after years of this, it’s going to weigh on your self esteem. Then inevitably someone is going to come along and tell you all these beautiful things you never realized you were longing to hear about yourself and it won’t bode well for your marriage.
He’s negging you.
He’s doing it to beat you down, so you don’t realize he’s absolute trash and being single would be an improvement.
Divorce
I mean you married an asshole, what exactly are you looking for as far as advice? You can’t “force” him to be a better person, he’s doing this to purposefully make you feel less about yourself. If you have poor esteem, then maybe you won’t look too closely at what a jerk he is. You either deal with this or you have a very frank conversation with him in which you say “if you put me down again, I’m done”.
In a healthy relationship, partners lift one another up, they NEVER beat them down.
Please divorce this man. He hates you. He’s trying to pull you down so he can dominate, control and suck you dry.
This is the opposite of what a loving partner does. Love lifts you up. Get away from this awful person while you are still young and before he does more damage.
Withholding compliments is one thing. This man is actively insulting you, frequently. Does he not like you? Is he mean to everyone or just cruel to you, the person he supposedly loves? What a horrible future. He needs to be told that negging his own wife is pathetic. I don’t know if therapy will help him be a decent person, but he could try if you choose to stay with him.
I’m concerned that he’s not a good partner. His priority is keeping you low, rather than supporting you to achieve more. And what does he gain by beating you down?
It sounds a lot like the beginning to psychological abuse to me.
You could read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and see if it makes sense.
My friend’s husband did this to here, and it escalated. After years of emotional, mental and economical abuse, her kids were old enough to survive being alone with their dad every second week and she divorced him, planning on staying single. Now she is engaged to a lovely man who lifts her up and supports her.
Her first husband was intimidated by her intelligence, her accomplishment, her values etc.
Her grandpa, who is a pastor and officiated the wedding, said to her. You were not really ever married, because you didn’t experience what a marriage should be like: love and support.
You’re confident in your own skin, and that’s a problem for him. Confident women leave when they figure out their partners are trash.
He’s eroding your self-esteem bit by bit to keep you locked down, weak, and dependent.
Good spouses are kind to each other. That is a bare minimum expectation to keep a healthy marriage. Your husband doesn’t even give you kindness.
How do I go about this?
First, you contact a divorce attorney. They will advise you how to proceed. Best wishes for a happy future with a better man!
You tell him to fuck himself and you leave this POS.
Your husband dislikes you. Accept this and make a decision.
He’s abusive. You deserve a better partner.
I hate to tell you this, but you’re married to an asshole
> I’m comfortable in my own skin
And he HATES that. He won’t stop until he’s successfully made you uncomfortable in your own skin.
He is purposefully putting you down. This is about making himself feel better and the fact he likely gets a kick out of demeaning you.
Think about that.
He hates you.
This man hates you (and probably all women).
Don’t stay married to someone who actively tries to ruin your confidence. He doesn’t like you. He likes the idea of you being a sad ruined insecure woman that will dote on him for validation.
Seriously. I really mean it. Divorce him and find a new life without his horribleness in it. He sucks!! You WILL be happier without him offering up rude bullshit all the time.
He has some serious issues. This is not healthy or sustainable for a long lasting loving marriage. Is this new after you got married or was he always like this even dating? You need to see marriage counseling asap.
Get out now before you get in deeper by having kids.
Why the hell are you with this man?
I think you know what you have to do.
With husbands like these who needs enemies.
He’s negging, bullying and belittling. What a catch.
Do the same thing to him.
Throw the whole man away. This gives me the ick. Oh noooo, anything but my wife feeling good about herself and our relationship. What does he think is going to happen if he tells you you’re pretty? That’ll be so much of a confidence booster and change you so much you’ll leave him? Or cheat? Or… Like yourself? Ask yourself why the man who supposedly loves you above all others wants you to constantly feel bad about yourself. My boyfriend calls me all sorts of lovely, delightful things, about my body, my mind, my personality, and pretty actively dislikes when I shit talk myself. It CERTAINLY hasn’t caused me to want to leave him, rather the opposite, I’m trying to lock that boy down.
Abuse. It’s emotional abuse.
You’re still young and no kids. Please divorce. A husband is supposed to be supportive and builds you up not tears you down. He probably tells you that you’re too sensitive when he tells you something mean? I would document it and find a way to not absorb his comments. He’s a miserable man who wants to tear his wife down. Imagine how he’ll treat you if you get pregnant. Will he humble your kids too? RUN.
I think he just doesn’t like you and is being a mean asshole.
He’s negging you. It’s not to keep you “humble” or whatever other bs excuse he’s given you for his behaviour. He’s doing it because he’s insecure and needs to drag you down to make himself feel better. He wants you to feel bad about yourself so you don’t figure out that you deserve so much better than him.
You shouldn’t settle for this. Why stay with someone who tries to dull your sparkle just so you don’t shine brighter than them? That’s not love. There’s someone out there who will think the whole world of you and will make sure to let you know it. Your partner is supposed to lift you up, celebrate you, and make you feel amazing about yourself.
I was 6/7 months out of an abusive relationship when I met my husband. I was so insecure at the time and had really low self-worth. I had just started working on these things on my own but my husband took it upon himself to do the absolute most to help me build up my self-esteem and confidence. He actually did such a great job gassing me up that I started modelling last year lol
He’s never made me feel anything less than the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Even when I gained a lot of weight during a bad depressive episode. Then when I lost it all and had loose saggy skin. During my freak outs over finding a grey hair or when I noticed my 2 wrinkles. This man even helped me plan a whole new wardrobe so I’d feel better about needing to wear glasses.
Find yourself someone who thinks you’re the hottest person they’ve ever seen and who spends every second of every day making sure you believe it too. Nothing less.
I’m afraid when a relationship has deteriorated to that point… There probably won’t be any breaking it back
He has obviously lost respect for you; respect is the ultimate bedrock for every relationship.
As you’re noticing, once he loses respect… You basically don’t have a relationship.
I bet you would be a heck of a lot happier living on your own. I promise there are many men out there who will treat you with respect.
Get out. What even is this man? That’s abuse. You can do so much better. You deserve better!
He’s just beating you down constantly to make himself feel better. Its extremely insecure and toxic. Get rid of him. Starting over from scratch is much easier than trying rebuild your spirit.
If I was told I was “unappetizing”, he would never touch me again.
Time to find someone who cherishes you, not despises you.
This is called negging, it’s meant to keep you low and not confident so you never realize you’re awesome and deserve better. It means he’s deeply insecure and wants to keep you feeling bad about yourself.
My darling child,
Your husband is an insecure dickbag. I’m so sorry. I’ve been married to a similar person in my youth – it didn’t work out. He resented me for everything eventually: my looks, my education, my professional accomplishments, my very personality. It took me a long time of making myself infinitesimally small to learn to take up my space and brush past anyone who was threatened by that. Now, I’m in a great, healthy relationship with a gorgeous, perfect man who acts like I hung the moon.
Do not be humble. Humility gets you taken advantage of. When I learned to act like I was worth the kind of love I was offering, I found it. People will treat you how you let them, and a certain class of men will try to push that limit. Don’t play their game.
This is a divorcable offense. It will get worse. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. But know this: YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE. It is never too late. No situation is too untenable. Any day you decide you’re done, you can be done. And life is so, so much better on the other side.
Best of luck. I love you.
40+F
Don’t have children with him until you sort this out. He will likely want to keep his children ‘humble’, which is a horrible way to raise your kids. He needs therapy, and you both need marriage counseling.
Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to hurt you?
Can we have more info? Like how did you end up marrying such a small k secure little man?
DIVORCE
He’s making you feel so low about yourself so you are grateful he chose you. This is abusive and you need to communicate with him his negativity about you and your body will not be tolerated. If you don’t nip this in the bud years spent with this man will make you feel worthless.
Tell him, it stops or you walk away to find someone who cherishes and builds you up.
Ask yourself why a man would prefer his wife lack confidence.
It will only get worse over time!
He hates himself and he hates you. You cannot fix him by loving him more. Abusive men thrive on manipulating and controlling others. He’s a human mine field.
Dude, get out now! This is definitely abusive behavior. He is also setting himself up to cheat “guilt-free”…that you’re so unattractive that he had no choice to find a side piece.
I mean why would you want to stay with someone like that?!
You’re returning the favour tho right?
Just learned that 71% of American men believe that God created men superior to women. This explains SO much of what people bring to Reddit. In comparison, only 37% of Canadian men believe this, which is still way too high.
This is tatertot thing just fyi
This is textbook emotional abuse.
Ha my husband once told me my dress looked like our basement couch. I was all dressed up for Valentine’s Day. He’s my ex husband now and my current boyfriend only says nice things!
You don’t have to force him to compliment you. But you definitely can tell him that he doesn’t get to put you down & say negative things about you…
Honestly, an attorney.
Sounds like he doesn’t like you ffs.
He hates you. Leave.
He is lowering your self esteem so you don’t leave him .
He has a low self esteem himself . Misery loves company
This is emotional abuse. It doesn’t get any better. Don’t let him whittle down your self-esteem.
He needs to be an ex husband.
And you married this piece of garage? Girl why?
just staggering the number of posts in relationship subreddits that are variations on “my husband/boyfriend hates me and treats me horribly” like this is a crazy story, this dude is awful and you should get out of this marriage asap, he hates you and its not worth putting up with him tbh.
Tell him that a healthy relationship is one where the people involved build each other up instead of tearing each other down. Tell him that you want a partner who treats you like a human being that they actually like.
Then tell him that you’re going to have that partner at some point, and if he doesn’t start becoming that partner immediately, you’re going to go find someone who will.
Then follow through. Don’t let him put you off. He changes his attitude or you leave him so you can find someone who treats you well.
Is anyone working on keeping HIM humble? Because maybe someone should.
Real advice. I would tell him “When you insult me, it makes me not find you very attractive at all. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Sorry but time for honesty or for him to be quiet.
He’s “keeping you humble” because he knows you can do better than him, but he’s hoping that if you don’t realize it, you won’t understand that you can do so much better than him- even if you aren’t with anyone else.
Nope. Nope. Get out now. That is absolutely the start to a ridiculously narcissistic relationship. The next thing he’ll do is get you beat down enough you stop wanting to do things you want to do so he has full control of your activities…
HUH?!
Does he even like you?
Yeah you should throw this one back, he’s rotten.
He’s a put down artist and that is not the same as trying to humble you……He sounds like a giant asshole. He is going to chip away at your self esteem if you let him. It doesnt sound like he even likes you tbh……..I would dish it right back to him and say something unflattering to him and see how he likes it.
If a man insults you, he does not like you. Your either a placeholder or someone that he settled with. I just learned this phrase from another woman. Sister, please leave and be happy on your own or be someone’s dream woman.
Sounds like emotional abuse OP! If someone truly loved you and respected you they would want to build you up not keep you down. Will he also humble your future children? No great job, Im proud of you, wow you look great! Something to think about. If it were me, I would get a divorce over this.
Divorce him. Make sure to let him know before you leave that his penis is unimpressive and inadequate. You know, just to keep him humble
What a gross way to treat the person you (apparently) love.
He’s actively putting you down, which is completely different from encouraging someone to be humble. He’s toxic waste.
Keeping someone humble includes discussions about earned versus unearned privilege. He is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. My guess is he is very insecure and this is his way of trying to convince you that you cannot do better. Well, you can.
I wasted 8 years with a man like this, I’m now on anti depressants cause I took the abuse so long. He’s abusing you, please leave when you can safely 💕
A healthy partner is supposed to build you up.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
First, get out as soon as you can do so safely. Second, read this book, this is a free link.
I’m reading it currently; it’s not easy to read (I have to stop after each chapter), but it’s filled with helpful, and sometimes surprising, information. One of the quotes from the book is, “Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows.” Your husband is disrespecting you, which is verbal abuse. Leave safely ASAP before he gets physically abusive. Also, you are not the cause of your husband’s behavior, no matter what he says. “Abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely with the abuser.”