A loooong time ago I(M/22) started planing a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. But due to players changing during the planning of the campaign it took pretty long until we started.
Between the session 0 and the first session (that took place around 10 or 11 months after session 0 I broke up with my Girlfriend (F/22 and autistic (relevant later)) who is a player in the campaign. But we ended it on good terms and decided to stay friends (the short story is, that we had very different ideas of how a relationship should work, which is ok and better than in an argument)
The first session a month ago went pretty well and everyone had fun.
But 2 weeks ago she called me and asked me to take a package that was left in front of her door, since she was at work and packages often get stolen here. (we live only 10 minutes apart. I moved next to her when we were in a relationship)
Normally that really isn’t that much of a deal, I said “yeah, sure. No problem” and went to grab the package to hide it where she told me to. But while walking to her apartment all the bad things that happened in the relationship came back to my mind and hit me like a train.
I won’t go into too much detail here, but here is a list of the most memorable things:
-
she told me a few times that I was dumb, fat and stupid. Sometimes as jokes and sometimes directly.
-
she told me several times, that she would instantly leave me for anime character X or actor Y.
-
she told me while we were in the relationship, that she can’t feel love.
-
she told me after we were together half a year, that she is ace (Asexual), which (in my opinion) would’ve been better if she told me beforehand.
-
we both only made sure, that she is happy in the relationship.
These things and a few more all came back while I was walking. And now I am not sure if I can play with her as my player, without having to think about all this, because I couldn’t really stop thinking about all of this for the last few days.
I am not sure what I should do. On the one hand I want to kick her, so that I can enjoy the game better and not have to constantly think about all of this stuff
But on the other hand I already am an asshole for being pissed at her for things she didn’t do with any bad intention. She just sometimes said the things that were in her mind. And despite her somethimes being a bit of an annoying player she most of the time is a good and engaging player.
And when she leaves another player who is a good friend of hers will also leave and he is also a very engaging player who reads all the lore I send them, takes notes and cleverly combines it all. He also often encourages the newer players to do some RP.
Would I be a bad Person and DM if I kicked her because in the past she did a few things, that made me feel bad, because of her autism.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
A loooong time ago I(M/22) started planing a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. But due to players changing during the planning of the campaign it took pretty long until we started.
Between the session 0 and the first session (that took place around 10 or 11 months after session 0 I broke up with my Girlfriend (F/22 and autistic (relevant later)) who is a player in the campaign. But we ended it on good terms and decided to stay friends (the short story is, that we had very different ideas of how a relationship should work, which is ok and better than in an argument)
The first session a month ago went pretty well and everyone had fun.
But 2 weeks ago she called me and asked me to take a package that was left in front of her door, since she was at work and packages often get stolen here. (we live only 10 minutes apart. I moved next to her when we were in a relationship)
Normally that really isn’t that much of a deal, I said “yeah, sure. No problem” and went to grab the package to hide it where she told me to. But while walking to her apartment all the bad things that happened in the relationship came back to my mind and hit me like a train.
I won’t go into too much detail here, but here is a list of the most memorable things:
she told me a few times that I was dumb, fat and stupid. Sometimes as jokes and sometimes directly.
she told me several times, that she would instantly leave me for anime character X or actor Y.
she told me while we were in the relationship, that she can’t feel love.
she told me after we were together half a year, that she is ace (Asexual), which (in my opinion) would’ve been better if she told me beforehand.
we both only made sure, that she is happy in the relationship.
These things and a few more all came back while I was walking. And now I am not sure if I can play with her as my player, without having to think about all this, because I couldn’t really stop thinking about all of this for the last few days.
I am not sure what I should do. On the one hand I want to kick her, so that I can enjoy the game better and not have to constantly think about all of this stuff
But on the other hand I already am an asshole for being pissed at her for things she didn’t do with any bad intention. She just sometimes said the things that were in her mind. And despite her somethimes being a bit of an annoying player she most of the time is a good and engaging player.
And when she leaves another player who is a good friend of hers will also leave and he is also a very engaging player who reads all the lore I send them, takes notes and cleverly combines it all. He also often encourages the newer players to do some RP.
Would I be a bad Person and DM if I kicked her?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to kick my friend (and ex girlfriend) out of a DnD Campaign that she enjoys, because I fear all the bad stuff that happened in our relationship might haunt me during the plays.
But she didn’t really do anything wrong. Most of the things I am pissed about are her saying what she thinks and making sure she feels comfortable in the relationship, due to her autism
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You don’t say how long you’ve been broken up but you say it was on good terms and you’re staying friends. If you kick her out without examining your feelings and talking to her, then you’re just blindsiding her by kicking her out.
As a player, she’s done nothing to warrant this action. She’s remained interested in a game with nearly a year between sessions and you say she’s still engaged.
YWBTA if you don’t try to work out your feelings and talk to her first.
NTA. It’s OK to not want to bring your personal baggage to the game table. This is an awkward situation. I think your obligation is to be as straight forward and kind as you can be – “Look, you’ve done nothing wrong here, but I just don’t feel it is a good idea for us to game together given our past.” And then you refuse to debate it further. Another way of looking at this – do the other people you are planning to play with deserve the drama of the two of you at the same table when you already know this is going to be a problem for you? Is it fair for her to get kicked because of how you feel about it? Maybe, maybe not. But you’re the one running the game. You get to decide who you want to play with. You would be an AH if you tried to interfere with her ability to play with anyone else or if you were mean about delivering your message.
NAH
I think she doesn’t sound like a pleasant person but I don’t think she is an asshole in this particular instance. You both had agreed to remain friends so it makes sense that she would continue with the DnD. You are now upset about the break up so seeing her routinely may be hard.
It might be worth weighing up whether you want to lose the friend who is very helpful and brings a lot to the table.
If it were me, I think I would be inclined to see if I could manage the emotions/ work through it before pressing the eject button. Just because you mentioned that this is the start of this lovely fun community. Sometimes the cost of community can be friction and discomfort at time. I do think it’s important not to jettison everything that makes us uncomfortable because that can create quite isolated enviornments.Whether that’s through journalling, or a few sessions of therapy or however you work through big emotions, it might just help to let out some steam. If at the end of the time period you decide on, you still felt like you couldn’t handle it, I would have a conversation with her about it. I would explain that you’re really struggling to move past the harmful things that happened in the relationship and it’s distracting you from DMing which is unfair to the others. Just because someone doesn’t have bad intent, doesn’t mean their actions can’t be hurtful or harmful.
I’m gonna go ahead and say NAH — WHICH, TO BE CLEAR, is NOT me saying that your ex has never acted like an AH to you. Autism or not, she should have treated you with more basic decency.
However, I also have seen campaigns go on where two players/a player and a DM have had a messy breakup and it’s been fine, even if one of those parties as Objectively In The Wrong, so I don’t think she’s an AH for like, being in the campaign, and I don’t think her friend is an AH for wanting to leave a campaign where it’s only newbies and not his friend.
BUT, if you think that DMing for her is going to hurt you, particularly if it’s taken this long to get the campaign going, and particularly if there is a risk of those feelings affecting how you treat her as a player? You owe it to yourself and the other players to not keep her in the campaign. A campaign with a miserable dm will inevitably become a campaign with miserable players, and if nobody is having fun, what’s the point?
My personal advice is: it already was nearly a year from session 0 to session 1, you’ll be losing… what, half your party, if there’s 4-5 people? and you said new players, meaning you’ll either have just newbies or 2 newbies and 1 experienced player left?
Accept that you’re going to have to go back to the drawingboard for your party comp. you’ve already done your writing for your early quests that you can keep, so that’s easy.
Be polite to your ex, regardless of if she “deserves it.” Tell her that you appreciate her being amicable with you, but that you’ve realized you aren’t in the position to give her a player experience she deserves and it will be a big load for you to dm for her, and as such you want her to step back from the campaign. Maybe you two will be in a better position when you host a future campaign (probably not, but we’re being nice and that’ll be years from now anyway.)
If the engaged player decides to step away, you tell them you understand, and can ask if they have any recommendations for someone they may know that would be interested in joining a campaign. Or you can ask your remaining players!
Be polite/professional, it’ll work out.
Something you learn as you get older is that staying friends after a breakup is a nice idea but very very often doesn’t work. It is very hard to deal with the kinds of feelings you describe.
I would have a conversation with her explaining that you have reflected and feel that actually you think it will be too painful to stay friends, and as such you don’t want to play dnd with her. She might be upset and that’s valid too. But ultimately you don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to.
You don’t need to be “pissed at her for doing things”. You don’t need to blame her. This is about you and how you feel!
Autism isn’t an excuse to be a asshole, the way she treated you shouldn’t earn her even a mite of respect from you
Nah
My personal opinion if you are DMing is that you keep your personal relationship out of the DND session. Especially since friendships have ups and downs.
If she was a bad player sure kick her out but she isn’t. Instead this is other stuff that you seem to want to take out on her, and especially since you wanted to stay friends and seem to have done that
Not an asshole. Your table should be fun for you too, not a source of stress. If playing with her keeps you stuck in the past, it’s okay to set boundaries.
NTA. Mate she was mean and selfish and now you’re running errands for her like a good boy. Go find your spine.
NTA she said horrific stuff to you that doesn’t fly in any relationship. I am autistic and I would never say that stuff to my fiancée.
Also if you’re running the game you have every right to remove anybody from your game for a myriad of reasons.
Just remember things like autism and ADHD aren’t excuses for being a shitty person.
NAH. I mean, yes, she sounded terrible in the relationship, but that’s not the situation you’re asking about. You’re having understandable feelings. She’s just going by what you two agreed on.
If I were in the same position, I would put the whole campaign on pause, citing mental health / work schedule / whatever. Come up with a neutral reason. Then, quietly build up your player pool again, and start a new campaign in a few months. Drama over a game is almost never worth it. Trust me: I’ve been GMing as long as you’ve been alive, and I’ve only once or twice looked back at a huge mess and thought ‘yup, nuclear was the way to go!’
In the meantime, put some distance between you and your ex. Maybe, eventually, you can be friends. I think it’s more likely that you’re seeing her clearly for the first time. TBH, the package thing would have triggered me thinking about things harder too, since that’s more of a ‘partner’ task rather than a friend task.
YWBTA if you did this. Your relationship ended amicably as you said, you may not like what transpired during the relationship but you realized it wasn’t going to work. You have had this campaign going through almost an entire year?! Wow man that’s awesome. Your group must really jive(including your ex). You kick her out your likely never going to get the group back together right and others in the group will probably quit due to your arbitrary kick as well. If the group as a whole wanted her gone that’s a different thing. So if you really want to just tank your group go right ahead.