I’m 19F and still living at home while I study. My parents make me keep my location on at all times. If I turn it off or if my phone dies, they blow up my phone with calls and texts.
The part that really bothers me is that my older brother (21M) doesn’t have to deal with this at all. He can come and go as he pleases and they never ask where he is. When I asked why it’s different for me, they said, “Because you’re a girl, it’s more dangerous for you”
I get that they care about me, but it feels like I’m being punished just for being female. I don’t do anything reckless, I just want to be trusted the same way they trust my brother.
So I told them I won’t share my location anymore because it feels unfair and controlling. They got angry and told me I’m ungrateful, and that as long as I live under their roof I have to follow their rules.
Now I feel torn. On one hand, I know they provide for me, but on the other hand, I feel like I deserve the same level of trust as my brother.
So, AITA for refusing to let my parents track me 24/7 when they don’t do the same with my brother?
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I’m 19F and still living at home while I study. My parents make me keep my location on at all times. If I turn it off or if my phone dies, they blow up my phone with calls and texts.
The part that really bothers me is that my older brother (21M) doesn’t have to deal with this at all. He can come and go as he pleases and they never ask where he is. When I asked why it’s different for me, they said, “Because you’re a girl, it’s more dangerous for you”
I get that they care about me, but it feels like I’m being punished just for being female. I don’t do anything reckless, I just want to be trusted the same way they trust my brother.
So I told them I won’t share my location anymore because it feels unfair and controlling. They got angry and told me I’m ungrateful, and that as long as I live under their roof I have to follow their rules.
Now I feel torn. On one hand, I know they provide for me, but on the other hand, I feel like I deserve the same level of trust as my brother.
So, AITA for refusing to let my parents track me 24/7 when they don’t do the same with my brother?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents I won’t share my location with them anymore even though they pay for everything and I still live under their roof. That’s why I think I might be the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You are a teenager your brother is an adult…
NTA – BUt I wonder has there ever been an instance where you showed them you are distrustful.. you’re 19, if you have a job and it allows it… go get your own phone plan then they have no say.
I think its important to have a conversation about this. As best as you can. They can throw you out of the house. It’s true. But that will impact the relationship you have with them. And threatening to throw you out also impacts your relationship with them.
My mother threated all the time to kick me out. I didn’t tell her I was moving out until I had my stuff out of the house. And she was shocked I left. Housing insecurity isn’t ok for a parent to use at will. She also demanded I check in and out all the time. I just stopped. She’s been on an information diet for over a decade and she hates it bc people notice and want to know why.
You won’t always be there. Do what you need to to get where you want to be in life. Sometimes that means leaving the injustice in place until you can leave.
I don’t think that this should be a AITA cause you will not resolve anything with the outcome.
You have to create the situation in which they can’t hold their help over your head, you have to become financially independent to be indipendent tout court. This depends on your goals, do you give more importance to you education or your freedom? If your freedom is the most import thing for you, you have the answer girl, find a job and get out of that house. It could even be the start of a better relationship with them or the death of the relationship altogether.
NTA. This isn’t about love and care, it is about power and control and them having zero respect for you.. They don’t view you as an autonomous adult with a right to privacy. Turn off the tracking. If that means that you have to pay for you own phone, get a cheap pre-paid phone and only add minutes as needed. And make a plan to get out of the home ASAP. They will be more likely to be forced to see and treat you as an adult if you are out from under their thumbs where they can’t control you (ie they have no power over your housing, your room, your food, your phone, etc).
NTA but while they are paying your way you are stuck. Use it as motivation for study hard and move out as soon as possible and get your own plan. However: it is more dangerous for girls as unfair as that may be.
NAH. As an older brother to younger sisters, I got the same treatment from my parents. They don’t worry as much about me and restrict my sisters a bit more. However just last month a 17 year old girl lost her life while trying to bike home, and some guy couldn’t keep his hands to herself. I don’t know your parents but if I see why mine are more careful with my sisters, it has nothing to with not trusting them. It has everything to do with them not trusting men. You’re fully right to feel like you’re being restricted because you are, and you just want to be treated the same as your brother. But if I see how dangerous it can be for young women, I fully understand their need to see where you are, and if you’re not available, being worried what happened to you. I’ve had this conversation a lot with my sisters as well, and they do understand, they’re just annoyed that this is the way it has to be.
INFO –
• Is the different level of trust justified by something you’ve done in the past? Gender alone doesn’t justify this, but if you’ve done things to prove you can’t be trusted to protect their investment in your education, it might be partially justified.
• Legally and morally, you and your brother are both adults and they have no right to track you, but living under their roof means you are obligated to follow all of their rules. As an adult though, you aren’t obligated to accept those rules without questioning them, and questioning this is 100% justified. I’d ask them straight up why it is your brother would get no questioning at all about staying out for multiple days in a row without coming or calling home, but you’d get yelled at like a 5 year old for stopping for McDonalds or getting stuck in a traffic jam.
As a woman and a mother, I’m gonna say let them have your location. It’s not okay that they freak out if your phone dies or whatever, though. But in this day and age, girls your age go missing or get murdered or 🍇 all the time. By anyone. And it’s more likely for girls to experience this than boys, sadly. That’s why they want your location at all times and why they don’t make your brother do the same. They’re just protecting you. But if I had a son, I’d want his location too, tbh. So soft yta, because this is a serious thing and it really is just them loving you in the best way they know how.
I think trackimg apps to keep an eye on adults s are stupid. You’re an adult! Damn snoopy, controlling parents need to take a step back & stop nosimg in on their adult children’s lives.
NTA
Sorry, but why does sharing your location mean that you’re being punished? Or that you’re not trusted? It means exactly what they tell you it means; that they are worried, it’s just in case something happens.
Maybe you don’t know it but they don’t ask him where he is because he shares his location.
Well… so… what will the actual consequences be if you do turn off location?
There is a bit of a compromise with Life360 (I’m sure there are other similar apps), in that you’ll know their location as well. Not quite the same thing as having some trust and autonomy but, its a little something.
As a mom of daughters (20 & 18), it’s a great comfort to have their locations. We hear so many horror stories about fake uber drivers and all other criminal sorts preying on young women. It’s honestly not about your brother and what’s “fair”.
I’d say let them keep your info for safety purposes, but they’re not allowed to comment on where you’ve been or how late/early you’ve been out.
It’s okay to set boundaries. Tell them if they comment on your comings and goings, they’ll lose the privilege of having your location.
NTA, but as the saying goes, don’t bite the hand that feeds you. If you do not like their rules, get your own place, be self sufficient and you can make your own rules. As long as they are providing for you, they can attach whatever stipulations they want.
NTA
but the only way to escape this kind of shit is to get financially independent from your parents. good luck with that in this economy.
NTA ask if you can download the Hollie app or always share your location with a friend instead.
Them knowing where you are will not protect you in any way. This is ridiculous. It sounds like they are sitting there watching your location every time you leave the house if they immediately start blowing up your phone.
This isn’t a matter of trust – it is a HUGE breach of your privacy and independence though – it is also probably a matter of them trying to relieve their own anxiety by trying to control things that they can’t.
I mean what are they going to do if something happens to you? They will know where you are but not what is going on. So their constant monitoring is doing nothing but making you resentful.
Maybe try to have a conversation from that view point. You – and they – can’t live your life in fear of what might happen. They are only damaging your relationship with them and not accomplishing anything with this.
When you are 19, it seems terribly unfair that your parents are treating you differently from your brother simply because you are a female. I remember feeling that way myself. When you have spent another 40 years or so in the real world and have had reality slap you in the face a few times, you might understand why your parents were more protective of you.
NTA, but think of this as the cost of living at home. Instead of paying rent, you’re giving up privacy. If that price is too high for you, move out. Also, this isn’t about trust. This is about the fact that you can get pregnant and your brother can’t. Mind you, I agree that your parents aren’t doing right by you. I’m just pointing out the motivation behind their unfairness. Sadly, life isn’t always fair.
Your family probably has cultural beliefs and religious beliefs that affect their decision, it’s just the truth for a lot of immigrants and old school parents to be like this and realistically you’re not gonna change how they see things.
Because they’re not even wrong it just sounds wrong.
Your smaller, more looked after, you have a “feminine” standard to uphold “be a lady” etc.
Just depends on wether you’re into keeping this relationship and accepting your parents beliefs (seeing as they do provide for you) or if you want to cut them off and be financially independent
Your parents are wrong…but not for the reason you think. They should have your brothers location as well. Men are actually more likely to be victims of violent crimes than women. Tell them for the safety of your bother that they should talk to him about avoiding reckless behavior and to keep his location on.
You should also leave it on, or talk to them about agreeing to let you share it with a friend of yours instead.
Did your brother share his location at 19?
NTA, and damn, your parents need to let go.
Edit: This whole “let everyone know your location 24/7 all day eryday” thing is absolutely WILD to me. There’s no way I’d put up with that. And no reason I’d want to. There’s a famous quote “. I prefer dangerous freedom to peaceful slavery”.
NTA
Clearly, you are beginning to see the challenges of growing up but still living as a dependent. I wish I had a better answer, but you can either live at home and keep them happy or you can move out and have your independence.
Perhaps your brother is being treated differently, and that’s unfortunate just don’t let it consume you. This is about you, not him.
You cannot have your independence whilst living at home. Some choices in life are hard, this one is as hard as you make it to be.
NAH – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaxrcWskSDA
“Equality of the sexes” is a great idea in theory, but the woman in this clip is not wrong with regards to reality.
Not suggesting you walk around armed with knives, but women have more to worry about than men and 19 isn’t a great age for considering the consequences of actions.
>On one hand, I know they provide for me, but on the other hand, I feel like I deserve the same level of trust as my brother.
NTA
These are both true statements. It’s interesting that the first thing you think of is “oh, they provide for me” when you are talking about their control. Have they made any statements to you about how they provide for you when you assert your needs?
You are confusing love and control. You’re an adult. You don’t need to consult with your parents about your life choices.
NTA and this must be very frustrating. I have 2 teens, and I do worry when they’re out, but I don’t track their location. I do expect them to let me know where they are / when they arrive or leave somewhere / make sure their phones are on. Maybe you can suggest this to your parents as an alternative.
Can you afford to move?
Does your brother also live with your parents?