I’m in my friend’s wedding in less than two weeks. The wedding is 30ish mins from my house straight shot on the highway. This friend hasn’t been forthcoming with any details of the wedding. I asked a month ago for schedule details and have been texting questions and have gotten short answers. I don’t wanna put stress on anyone so l’ve just let it go, and the bride even offended me by calling me “type A” during my own wedding process when I was offering planning advice. I’ve been in 2 weddings and been married myself, and attended many many weddings.
Every single wedding l’ve been to there’s been insane down time at some point in the day. So the bride finally released her wedding schedule and the wedding hair/ makeup is 8am (no biggie) and the wedding isn’t till 4pm.
Pictures are at 1:30. The wedding also ends at midnight and there was mention of a club next door for an after party till 2am possibly. My husband and I weren’t planning on getting a hotel room ($230 for one night) and have dogs at home. We JUST moved into a new house and paying for a dog sitter an hotel is too much right now. So l told the bride I wanted leave after hair and makeup and go back to drive with my husband so I could DD us home later on without taking 2 cars. The bride sent guilt trips about how she “dedicated 5 days to my wedding” and how she needs me there all day so we can get ready together. We ARE getting ready together- I’m just bailing out for 1.5 hours max to grab my husband and by some relaxation time since the day is going to be insanely long (7am until possibly 2am the next day??)
I’m not bailing on her but she’s making me feel awful when this has been my husband and I’s plan the entire time. Especially since I know myself and know I need a breather from a social setting to regroup and fully be able to celebrate the couple the rest of the day.
So AITA for just wanting to quickly go? Or is she right and I should have to stay there the entire time?
EDIT: I wrote this like twice and copy and pasted and it left out a crucial piece of information: I have a social battery than drains FAST and bride knows this, we’ve vacationed together and I need alone “me time” by myself to reset and recharge. It’s just who I am and I get extremely over stimulated after long social interactions ):
ALSO.. At my wedding, this person didn’t want to pay for hair, and since I’m a hairdresser who does hair I actually spend the downtime at my wedding doing her hair for her whilst the other girls got done by a paid hair pro.
So I definitely have been super flexible in the past with this friend. My husband also wanted me to mention that they chose to come early and stay late after my wedding that was out of town— but they didn’t dedicate every second of that time my wedding. We also did take off three entire weekends for her shower, her Bach/bachelor and now the entire wedding weekend for the couple. We haven’t missed any other events.
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I’m in my friend’s wedding in less than two weeks. The wedding is 30ish mins from my house straight shot on the highway. This friend hasn’t been forthcoming with any details of the wedding. I asked a month ago for schedule details and have been texting questions and have gotten short answers. I don’t wanna put stress on anyone so l’ve just let it go, and the bride even offended me by calling me “type A” during my own wedding process when I was offering planning advice. I’ve been in 2 weddings and been married myself, and attended many many weddings.
Every single wedding l’ve been to there’s been insane down time at some point in the day. So the bride finally released her wedding schedule and the wedding hair/ makeup is 8am (no biggie) and the wedding isn’t till 4pm.
Pictures are at 1:30. The wedding also ends at midnight and there was mention of a club next door for an after party till 2am possibly. My husband and I weren’t planning on getting a hotel room ($230 for one night) and have dogs at home. We JUST moved into a new house and paying for a dog sitter an hotel is too much right now. So l told the bride I wanted leave after hair and makeup and go back to drive with my husband so I could DD us home later on without taking 2 cars. The bride sent guilt trips about how she “dedicated 5 days to my wedding” and how she needs me there all day so we can get ready together. We ARE getting ready together- I’m just bailing out for 1.5 hours max to grab my husband and by some relaxation time since the day is going to be insanely long (7am until possibly 2am the next day??)
I’m not bailing on her but she’s making me feel awful when this has been my husband and I’s plan the entire time. Especially since I know myself and know I need a breather from a social setting to regroup and fully be able to celebrate the couple the rest of the day.
So AITA for just wanting to quickly go? Or is she right and I should have to stay there the entire time?
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> Am I asshole for wanting to leave the wedding prep? The action made the bride flip.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nah you’re not the asshole. Weddings have so much dead time and wanting a quick breather doesn’t mean you’re ditching her. She’s just stressed and taking it out on you, but an hour to reset so you can actually enjoy the rest of the day is completely reasonable.
I understand that for many brides, their wedding day is extremely special and that it’s crucial for them that everything goes as possibly close to their initial plans, to the extent that some of them lose their heads a little. However, that does not give them the right to force other people to do something they don’t want to do, especially when the conflicting plans do not substantially affect the wedding timeline.
NTA.
While weddings do tend to have a lot of down time in the day, it also does go by insanely fast, so I see both sides of this. However, I do think leaving the premise fully is going to cause more stress the day of.
If the plan is to take one car and you know you need a bit less social time, just see if you can join a bit later in the morning (maybe around 10) and have your husband drop you off. Someone is going to have to do a double round trip anyways.
NAH.
1.5 hours for yourself on a 7am – 2am wedding rush? Nope. NTA.
Unrelated but I feel like you’re gonna need that dog sitter and hotel cause you’re probably gonna be too tired or tipsy to drive back home at midnight?
how many people in the wedding party? is there any chance of you being able to come in later and be the last person to get hair and make up done? Last wedding I was in, we did hair at 9 am, make up after getting to the venue and hung out until it was time to get fully ready.
1.5 hours might not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but the point of that downtime that happens during the wedding prep is for the bride to relax and spend time with her friends/bridesmaids. She’s going to be stressed and overwhelmed, it wouldn’t hurt to be there for her and enjoy the whole wedding with her. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it would mean a lot to your friend.
Soft YTA
Consider taking two cars and both abstaining from drinking. Consider bringing your husband with you in the morning. Consider having a friend check on the dogs during the day if possible. Consider not staying for the after party.
NTA…This is why I love City Hall and a pizza party.
Any chance your husband could drop you off in the morning then join you? I don’t really think anyone is an AH here and your perspective is valid, but I also could see how your friend would want you there during the day.
YTA for putting your car over the bride’s nerves.
You and DH can go back to the venue next day to retrieve the 2nd car. As you pointed out – it’s only 30 min away from your home.
YTA. I think this is just a thing you do, not get the bride to sign-off on. but I come from “don’t bother the bride/groom about ish they can’t control.” So if this/was always your plan, and there isn’t another way, and it seems reasonable but yea, I can see why a bride might have undue worry that you leave and you sweat out your hair, or you mess up the make up or you catch traffic and don’t get back for pictures, or you w/e.
For you, this is 1 simple request. For her, its 1 request added to all the requests/decisions she has to make and I don’t see why you need permission.
INFO: what does your friend mean when she says she dedicated 5 days to your wedding?
Also, have you and your husband considered having him get an uber/lyft? Yes it would still be an extra expense but it wouldn’t be nearly as expensive as a hotel room or a pet sitter and would mean you don’t have to ditch your friend for any amount of time since it’s clearly important to her that you’re there the whole time.
Info: what does she mean by she dedicated 5 days to your wedding? Are you gonna tell me it was a destination wedding?
YTA
Why can’t your husband drop you off in the morning?
It’s fairly common for the bridesmaids to spend the day with the bride and would be highly unusual to leave in the middle.
INFO: Did the bride really dedicate 5 whole days to your wedding?? If so, I think it’s understandable she’d be upset that you aren’t willing to commit a full day to her wedding.
In the interest of compromise, would it be possible for your husband to drop you off at 8am, then he can return home, tend to your dogs, & be back for the wedding? That way you & your husband can still take one car back as planned.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say Y T A for not wanting to sit around the whole day, but if there is a workable solution (like your husband dropping you off in the morning then returning) & this friend invested a substantial amount of time for your wedding, then I think it would be best for you to try & stick around if you’re able to do so.
NTA but you’re not not the asshole. What if something happens, there’s an accident on the highway, your car breaks down, etc. Don’t take unnecessary risks and just be there for your friend.
YTA
Is there some reason your husband can’t drop you off? This is drama your friend doesn’t need from you ATM.
Based on just the text above I would say YTA.
I feel like spending the whole day as a bridesmaid is a pretty reasonable ask. If you don’t want to go clubbing than that’s fine but that didn’t seem to be a requirement from bride.
How did the bride dedicate 5 days to your wedding? You didn’t dispute this but put in quote so she did spend significant time for your wedding. Based on the comment that said you were type A it meant that you had a strict enforcement of schedule. Which means if your bridesmaid left you wouldn’t be happy. So many factors can occur that makes the 1.5 hour go way longer – traffic caused by accident, traffic caused by road closure, etc.
Other options:
Also if you’re running around how will you ensure hair / makeup doesn’t get messed up?
I would just go for that short time! She doesn’t need to know!
I’m going with NAH. I understand the situation that you are in and it isn’t an unreasonable request due to your circumstances. However, this will undoubtedly make the bride increasingly more nervous the entire time you are away. If she dedicates 5 full days to your wedding she may have expected you to be by her side during a stressful part of the day for her. Even if it means you would have to pick up a second car the next day. That being said, the world doesn’t stop for a bride either so my ultimate judgement is NAH.
Well, did she dedicate five days to your wedding?
It is a long day, but spending the day with the bride is kind of one of the basic expectations of a bridesmaid. You have other options, as other people have pointed out – your husband can drop you off in the morning, or you can go back the next day to get the second car. YTA.
Honestly you guys are both the ASH in a way
Your friend could have defiantly tried to give you the schedule ahead of time so you can better plan things off especially with the dogs and stuff. But if your friend was there for you the whole 5 days I think you can commit one day to her, I understand needing a break but you don’t need to go home to take a break.
YTA. I get that you would arrange a wedding day differently, but it’s not your wedding. And this is not some wild demand. She literally just wants you to dedicate the full day of the actual wedding day to being a bridesmaid.
If it was actually impossible for you and your husband to attend if you didn’t leave, I might feel differently. But that’s not the case. Your husband could come in the morning. He could uber there (waaaay cheaper than a hotel) and you could drive both of you home. You could both uber both ways (still cheaper than a hotel). You could take to cars and both commit to being sober. Sorry babe, but your ideal plan is less important than the bride’s reasonable request for her wedding day.
If you’re a bridesmaid (which you apparently neglect to mention, that seems deliberate) then yeah YTA and you’re expected to be there.
Hubby can get an uber or a lift with another friend, you’re busy. Or he can drop you where you need to go then you’ll only have one car there.
Seriously, you thought dipping out for an hour and a half was the best option? YTA.
The traditional expectation is that the wedding parties (bride’s and groom’s alike) spend most of the wedding day together – not just preparing in terms of clothing, hair/makeup, pictures, etc., but socializing as well. I think you know this.
There’s no different in travel between “leave, go get my spouse, and drive back” and “my spouse drops me off, goes back to take care of the dogs, and returns for the ceremony”. Either approach requires two round trips.
YTA.
You need to fully explain what ‘she dedicated five days to your wedding’ before we can make a proper judgement.
All it takes is a problem on the freeway, and you could be gone for quite some time. You taking the time out to go grab your husband and take a break from the drama is reasonable in your head, but to her it’s breaking the bubble that she’s creating for that day. You can analyze whether or not this friendship means that much to you and do it anyway. Or you can just have your husband Uber himself or get someone else to drive him if you really can’t have a second car there. And while you’re not the asshole, I think I would worry about my bridesmaid whether or not she’d make it back and it’s just one more thing on a big day that I wouldn’t want to worry about if I were her. She being unreasonable? A little. But I would probably just give her some grace and figure something else out. You can decide if you really want to be Besties with this girl later if what she does is guilt trip you, but I wouldn’t make that decision right now while feelings are running high.
Why can’t your husband drop you off at the venue in the morning (or you can lyft/uber there)? Then he is home with the dogs most of the day and can drive you both home at the end. As for some down time I am sure you can find a quiet place somewhere at the venue to take a short break. Plus you can probably skip the after party if you want.
I say YTA. You’re a bridesmaid. By being such you have agreed to spend the entire day doing wedding things. Starting a wedding day at 8:30 AM for the bridal party is very normal and expected. Her “waiting to give scheduling details” doesn’t really matter. You knew you need the whole day blocked off for the wedding and everything beforehand.
Hubby can drive himself, catch a ride there with someone else, or uber
YTA if you are a brides maids or part of the wedding party. Accepting to be in the wedding party is a commitment for the day.
The prep time isn’t just the physical prep, it’s being there to support to bride.
For instance, I helped with a 10a prep for hair and makeup and 4pm start. During that “down time”, the brides high anxiety mom called in a flurry about Uncle Bob who couldn’t figure out parking at the hotel. We swooped in and took that call, talked to the MC, got details about an overflow lot and shuttles. What if the wedding party has dipped out for “relaxation” time mid day? The poor bride would have been running around the hotel trying to track these people down.
Also imagine being a bride all made up and happy to be surrounded by the people closest to her, and everyone abandons her mid day for “relaxation time”. And she’s sitting there alone on her big day.
You committed to being there to help. BE THERE.
I know you’re looking at the whole day, and that makes sense that it seems like a lot of time… but starting getting ready at 8 am, for PHOTOS at 1:30, with you trying to leave for an hour and a half in the middle, is going to be an unnecessary nightmare. Either hire a pet sitter and get a hotel for the night, or drive separately. Wedding schedules do have a ton of downtime, but there’s a reason for that… things change and there needs to be flexibility for last minute changes. You’re trying to throw a big ass wrench in there. YTA
Sorry but YTA. Just disappearing in the middle of a wedding, as a bridesmaid, is not really a normal thing to do. Sounds like you’re punishing the bride for not sharing her arrangements and then making excuses about why.
YTA.
It sounds like your friend invested quite a bit of time and money into your wedding. You can deal with investing a long day for her wedding. As others have suggested, please have your husband take an uber or Lyft to the venue. Or he can drop you off in the morning.
You signed on to be a bridesmaid and support the bride. Now you need to fulfill your promise.
Also, as someone who has been in 13, yes, 13, weddings, planned a few, and attended easily over 50, not all weddings have a ton of down time.
YTA- For someone who has been to a lot of weddings and was in multiple wedding parties, you know better than anyone that the schedule for the day does not always stay the same. Makeup, hair, pictures, can all run long. Pictures start AT 130, so 30-45 minutes for pictures has you leaving at 2-215 to drive an 1 1/2 hours and puts you back at the venue 15 minutes before the wedding starts. 1 small delay on your side and you are late for a wedding you are in.
Catch a ride with someone in the morning, have your husband drop you off and come back later. Take an uber. “Needing” alone time is not the problem here. Take 15 minutes outside or in a quiet room.
YTA
You don’t need to leave to go home for 30min, you’ll be driving more than you’re at home, it doesn’t make sense to do. Just have your husband drop you off then you don’t have to worry about a car. If your social battery doesn’t allow you to fulfill the commitments and responsibilities you agreed to by becoming a bridesmaid why did you agree to do it? I also need down time after a lot of social interaction, but when it’s for someone I really care about I push through and don’t make a big deal about it. It’s not really a free ticket to ditch out on stuff without hurting peoples feelings, you still need to fulfill social obligations sometimes if you want to maintain relationships.
It really just sounds like you don’t feel like being there and are desperately seeking a socially acceptable reason to be kind of flaky. Stop it, for one day that you already agreed to, you need to push yourself to be there for your friend. If you value that friendship you will stay the whole time, (minus the after party those are always optional). If you feel overwhelmed by the group step into another room for a few minutes, drink some water and then go back in.
NTA. But, I’m a person who thinks brides like her are OTT.
NAH. she’s expecting you to be by her side for 19 hours straight? it’s fair if she doesn’t want you to leave at all since it’s her wedding and you did commit but it’s your life. the world doesn’t stop just because she’s getting married. if you genuinely need to go for a fraction of the time before anything gets going that should be fine as long as you don’t miss anything
YTA. She’s the bride and it’s common for bridesmaids to spend the entire day with the bride.
Could your husband get a ride with others? Could he drive and you leave a car for the night and come back to get it? That way he doesn’t have to sit around for hours waiting for wedding to start AND your dogs are not alone for as long.
How important is this person to you? It seems like leaving might be a deal breaker for her.
Social battery doesn’t change any of this, just shows you to be even more selfish. You should’ve said no when she asked.