Between us we have kids, pets & I have a sick Mom that I have to help, she’s elderly & confused. She doesn’t need round the clock care, she just needs help. I threw out discussing moving in because that’s where I’m at and he just doesn’t even seem ready start discussing what that would look like. The thing is, I know my answer on this, I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. Yet, I’m not ready to totally break up. I feel like the ball is in his court and he deserves some time to digest this. I’m also pretty disappointed that he wasn’t even ready to star discussing it- it was my answer. I’ve started exploring an active group like pickle ball to join for some more social time on my own. He doesn’t know and I don’t think he’d even notice. I know this isn’t good. Just need some advice
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So after 5 years kids and pets you’re not married yet? What is the current living arrangements for both of you? Does he get a lot of time on his own? If so he maybe used to that. Its actually a bit late not to have already known his views on living with you don’t you think?
Have you asked him why he isn’t ready to discuss this?
Maybe he doesn’t want to live with your sick mother?
He likely doesn’t think of it as a dealbreaker for you, especially not after all these many years. The time to discuss this stuff was years ago. If it is a dealbreaker now, say so and stick to it. If not, and you’re not prepared to leave, then, yes, you’ll be placing the ball entirely in his court.
you know the answer, hon
So you’ve been together five years, you’ve brought up the idea of moving in together for the first time in five years, and because he’s not immediately into the idea you think he doesn’t want to be with you and you’re thinking about breaking up, and also you don’t think he pays attention or cares about what’s going on in your life?
There’s so much missing here, and it sounds like either your relationship is not in a good place or you don’t communicate at all.
I’ll say, if the idea of moving in together had not come up once in five years I’d probably assume we were both comfortable with living separately at this point.
And if your mom lives with you that’s a whole extra layer.
I think you have to be really careful with blending families and for many couples with kids you are better off living apart until the kids leave home. Especially if your kids are teens. So I can’t fault him for that.
There do seem to be other issues though. The communication doesn’t seem good, if you can’t have a sensible conversation about that. And your comment about him not noticing if you did something on your own -oof.
If you want different things then maybe it’s time to end it
If he isn’t ready now, he never will be. Move forward assuming you’ll always live separately, and if that’s not something you want, end it.
Be kind to yourself.
You didn’t know what you didn’t know.
You deserve to take the space to think through what’s important to YOU and go from there.
Try to think of it as a series of questions to get the information YOU need to make YOUR decisions.
And anything he says, PAUSE inside yourself. Do not go with your first reaction! Prioritize yourself!
Anything he says, ask questions to get it to concrete facts and information.
ie, ‘I’ve just never thought about it.’
–>’I’m asking you to think about it. Having a shared vision of the future that includes moving in is important for my sense of joy and investment in romance. I am open to a timeline that works for each of us, but it needs to be an ongoing conversation. ‘
ie, ‘well but the thought of moving is exhausting, I don’t have time for that right now’
‘I’m not going to drift along in this relationship. Life is always overwhelming and busy. Either we are on the same page about the progression and goals of this relationship or we are not.
And it’s not my job to manage you doing the work on your end to manage your [insert reason/excuse here: overwhelm, concerns, fears] that keeps you from investing more deeply into this relationship.”
“I want a relationship that progresses. I want a relationship where we have a shared plan for the future that meets both our needs”
[insert excuses here]
“It sounds like we are on different pages. Take some time to think about it, but you need to be aware that I can either continue to invest towards moving in together or I can be happier alone” (something like this so you are clear on concrete things that you will and will not participate in. then stick to it.)
And give this conversation no longer rhan a month. If after a month you guys have gotten nowhere on this issue/decision/difference of opinion, cut your losses. Truly, you will be happier alone than sacrificing yourself for his comfort and attention. But it might take some work to get through the beliefs and fears inside you that say otherwise.
Your post is a little unclear. Have you tried discussing it with him and he avoids it or just says no? One of your comments is your mother lives with you. You’re also looking to blend kids and pets and a sick mom. Just because he lives by himself doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you. If you have expectations it is your responsibility to effectively communicate that. Then see what his response is. He might even know this is a big deal to you.
Is that the situation you want? He doesn’t sound like he wants in on your life. It’s likely way more work for him. So right now he has space and privacy and less work. But if you’re looking for a live in partner, this one doesn’t sound like he wants to be it.
You can bring it up. If he doesn’t want to discuss – you have his answer.
My BF and I (both mid-50’s) waited nearly 5 years to move in together. I had a kid at home, he had a busy schedule in his nearby city. We both knew we loved each other, but didn’t need the stress of moving and juggling schedules, kid, pets, etc. When my kid went off to college and his work schedule became more flexible it happened organically. There was still some stress of selling his house and combining households but it was easier because it happened naturally.
From your post, I’m not sure why you feel an urgent need to live together? Can you clarify why it’s important to you?
Have you started a conversation about that in the last months/years?
There are more reasons to not want to move in together besides not wanting to be with you.
I’ve been with my partner 5 years too, I have children, he lives with his elderly father and I love spending time with him but I’m on the fence about moving him together. It wasn’t an option for me as long my oldest kid was a teenager living with me and now that she’s moving out, we’ve started discussing it but I’m like “never change a running system”
You don’t say how old the kids are. How many there are and what happened to the other parent in each case. How do you share pets if you live separately.
Personally, I would not cohabitate until my children were adults. Your mother is living with you. Joining your household is quite a bit to expect.If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn’t be bringing up moving in either.
If this is important to you, they you should bring it up. Communicate together and get on the same page or not.This is not a teenage romance.
Your mom does live with you. She is confused and ill. The reality is that your mom will have to continue to live with you. Because what is the alternative? Kick her out for your boyfriend? What about your teenage son is he ready for your boyfriend to move in? This sounds more like you have a lot of things between your current living situation and your desire to live with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend obviously sees all of the things in the way so why would he think he could move in or even want to?
He should be telling you exactly where he’s at and what he sees for your future
He’s too old to play dumb here
When I date I make it very clear exactly what my position is (I’ll probably never live 24/7 with someone again, and the chance on remarriage is slim to none)
That means I’ve made more female friends than dates over the last decade (as most want more than what I offer) but having these friends
Has taught me there are loads of guys around my age that have the same view as me but keep it to themsleves
They are the ones the women I know dated then dumped when nothing ever changed
If he won’t explain his side clearly, I’d treat him as one of those guys I’m afraid
He doesn’t want to discuss it because he’s happy with how things are and he doesn’t want to move in with you.
So you take care of pets, kids and an elderly parent at your house and he is off living the good life at his apartment by himself?
Why do you have to live together?
How old are everyone’s kids and where do they all live? That’s so relevant, I can’t get a grasp on your situation without that very important info.
Maybe don’t shack up w him if you hv kids in the home. It’s awful for them.
What benefit does he get out of having you and your family move in with him?
Sounds like you’re not considering his feelings at all.
He doesn’t want to combine households and be (even unofficially or tangentially) a step parent, and he doesn’t want to live with or become (even unofficially or tangentially) responsible for your mom. So yeah, he enjoys being with you, but only on those terms, which describes a significantly more casual relationship than it sounds like you want.
So you have a choice to make:
I find it hard to believe that you just broached this subject for the very first time after 5 years together.
Seems to me like there’s a lot more to work on than moving in together.
Um, a quick glance through the comments shows I’m far from the only one who zeroed in on you having a sick, elderly, and confused mom living with you isn’t the most appealing thing in the world.
Don’t you see that? Because if you don’t, that’s actually a serious issue, and not on his part…
I would have no desire to move into your situation. I dont want to live with teenagers or dementia patients.
My opinion on that would not change for love. I would love you from my own house.
What’s the problem with continuing to live separately?
You’re 47 but act like 17. Please grow up
I think more detail is needed here about how the conversation went down. It’s hard to know what’s on his mind without knowing what you both said. Also, it seems like you need to have an idea for a concrete plan.
—Whose home would you be moving into?
—Will your mom be in assisted living?
—Do your pets get along?
—Will your kids have their own rooms?
—How will that affect custody arrangements? School districts?
—Are your budgets and living styles aligned?
Lastly, if he doesn’t know about the things you’re doing while you are a part that’s because you’re not telling him. Talk to him about joining pickleball! Are you all not discussing your days with each other??