My daughter and I live about an hour outside NYC. Since she was a baby, I’ve taken her there most weekends. As she got older, she occasionally brought friends. They always know the rules: bring a bag with things for the train, carry your own stuff, stick together, expect lots of walking, and have fun. Phones are fine, but I encourage screen-free activities. I always speak to parents beforehand and emphasize the walking, we sometimes walk 45 minutes or more.
For her 12th birthday last weekend, she wanted to go to the city with friends, visit favorite spots, have dinner, and maybe see a show. My mom helped pay for tickets and joined us. My daughter invited three girls: two longtime friends who know the routine and a new friend, “Leah.” I called Leah’s mom, explained the rules, warned about the walking, and suggested Leah bring something for the train since the signal is bad. Leah’s mom said she was excited. My daughter also explained expectations.
On the train, Leah brought only her phone, got bored when the signal cut out, refused to chat or play games with the others, and complained. When we arrived, she immediately asked for a cab. My daughter reminded her we walk. As we browsed shops, Leah kept whining and asking for a cab. I stayed patient, offered water and snack breaks, and even suggested the subway to be nice, but she refused when she learned what it was.
A few hours in, we stopped for dinner at a place with options for everyone. Leah complained again and said she wanted to go home. I pulled her aside to check if she was sick or upset; she just said it was boring. I told her we’d be there a few more hours for the show, but if she wanted to leave, she could call her mom.
Leah called, and her mom asked me to bring her back. Even if my mom or I left with Leah and took a train back after we dropped her off, we’d miss the show, and my daughter wanted both of us there. I explained we wouldn’t head back until after the show. Leah’s mom didn’t want to pay for a train ticket or drive. She eventually sent Leah’s dad, who picked her up before the show. Leah stayed crabby through dinner.
Afterward, Leah’s mom trashed me to the other moms, but they backed me up, saying they wouldn’t expect me to cut the trip short unless a child was sick or hurt (which I would do). Now Leah’s mom won’t let her hang out with my daughter. I can’t help wondering if I should’ve just sucked it up and taken her home. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My daughter and I live about an hour outside NYC. Since she was a baby, I’ve taken her there most weekends. As she got older, she occasionally brought friends. They always know the rules: bring a bag with things for the train, carry your own stuff, stick together, expect lots of walking, and have fun. Phones are fine, but I encourage screen-free activities. I always speak to parents beforehand and emphasize the walking, we sometimes walk 45 minutes or more.
For her 12th birthday last weekend, she wanted to go to the city with friends, visit favorite spots, have dinner, and maybe see a show. My mom helped pay for tickets and joined us. My daughter invited three girls: two longtime friends who know the routine and a new friend, “Leah.” I called Leah’s mom, explained the rules, warned about the walking, and suggested Leah bring something for the train since the signal is bad. Leah’s mom said she was excited. My daughter also explained expectations.
On the train, Leah brought only her phone, got bored when the signal cut out, refused to chat or play games with the others, and complained. When we arrived, she immediately asked for a cab. My daughter reminded her we walk. As we browsed shops, Leah kept whining and asking for a cab. I stayed patient, offered water and snack breaks, and even suggested the subway to be nice, but she refused when she learned what it was.
A few hours in, we stopped for dinner at a place with options for everyone. Leah complained again and said she wanted to go home. I pulled her aside to check if she was sick or upset; she just said it was boring. I told her we’d be there a few more hours for the show, but if she wanted to leave, she could call her mom.
Leah called, and her mom asked me to bring her back. Even if my mom or I left with Leah and took a train back after we dropped her off, we’d miss the show, and my daughter wanted both of us there. I explained we wouldn’t head back until after the show. Leah’s mom didn’t want to pay for a train ticket or drive. She eventually sent Leah’s dad, who picked her up before the show. Leah stayed crabby through dinner.
Afterward, Leah’s mom trashed me to the other moms, but they backed me up, saying they wouldn’t expect me to cut the trip short unless a child was sick or hurt (which I would do). Now Leah’s mom won’t let her hang out with my daughter. I can’t help wondering if I should’ve just sucked it up and taken her home. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not bringing her back 2) she was our guest and it would’ve helped the parents out
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No, you’re not the asshole here. You clearly set expectations with both Leah and her mom ahead of time, and she agreed. Leah wasn’t sick, unsafe, or in distress, she was just bored and complaining. You even tried to accommodate her with breaks and alternatives, but she refused. It’s unreasonable for her mom to expect you to derail your daughter’s birthday trip (and waste show tickets, your mom’s gift, and everyone else’s fun) because her child didn’t like walking. In that situation, the only fair solution was for her parents to step in and pick her up, which is exactly what happened. The other moms backing you shows that your boundaries were fair, Leah’s mom is lashing out because she doesn’t want to acknowledge that her daughter just wasn’t up for the kind of outing you planned.
NTA. You took her for a wonderful experience. You can’t help she’s a spoiled brat.
NTA. That was not a reasonable request. Leah’s mom should have told her to cut the crap and do her best to enjoy herself, and stop being so whiny and ungracious. OR if leaving was the preferred solution, they needed work that out. As you said, she was not hurt or injured. Requiring you to leave the party would not have necessarily been a reasonable thing to ask of your mother – to chaperone three girls in the city for the remainder of the day – and it would have cost you a lot in the lost ticket sales.
This is where Leah gets her entitlement from, evidently. Leah’s mom should have been apologizing for her daughter dragging everyone down the whole time.
It’s unfortunate that your daughter is being punished as a result of this but again, not your fault.
NTA Leah is. Also an entitled child so it’s her mom.
NTA a child’s birthday is the one day per year where it’s truly about them and theyre surrounded by people they care about. I certainly can understand Leah nog having a good time but part of life is sucking it up and not making it about her.
She was informed of the expectations and the events, you checked in on her to make sure she was okay. She was given the ability to call her mom and be removed from the situation. It’s unreasonable for her mom to expect you to forgo your daughters birthday for the sake of her kids inability to be there for her friend.
NTA-Maybe if Leah’s mom taught her some manners and how to behave when out with other people, this wouldn’t have been an issue. But given that she wouldn’t pay for a train ticket or come get her own daughter, you shouldn’t be surprised that she is now running her mouth.
Probably for the best that they can’t hang out anymore.
Nta. Clearly the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree witg a leah and her mom. Don’t ever let her go out with you again.
The fact that Leah’s mom won’t let Leah hang out with your daughter is a bonus. Leah sounds like she is high maintenance and whiny. Bad influence on your kid.
Write it off as an experience your daughter will learn from/.
NTA
NTA seems like the bratty apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…
NTA – mother of a 13 year old here and I would have done the same. I also would not be too fussed about my child losing this particular friend and I wouldnt allow her to come on anymore trips/sleepover/play dates; I’ve actually banned whiney or difficult children from my house before after telling my child exactly why – they are fine with it.
NTA
Leah is a spoiled, entitled child and her mom’s reactions proves exactly whose fault that is.
You managed expectations just fine.
NTA you were very clear from the beginning.
NTA. Thank goodness for small favors! Yeah she’s banned from hanging with your daughter!! No love lost. Your child and you dodged a bullet!
Why do I have the feeling that Leah does not have any rules at home?
NTA! Her mum sure is. I cannot imagine any scenario in which my kid would me and I’d refuse to come get them.
This is how we learn. There’s some friends of our kids who are OK for sleepovers, camping on the Cape, going to New York City. But you have to get to know them first. I made the mistake of letting one of my kids bring one of his friends to climb Mount Washington. The kids talk nonstop. It was unbelievable. You have to figure these things out ahead ahead of time. Now you know.
NTA. Oh no, Leah can’t hang out with your kid any more? Sounds like a win.
NTA
Seems like you and your daughter are better off without Leah and her mom, so all wins here.
Nta,
Unfortunately, kids are not good at understanding expectations vs. reality. She envisioned one thing & when reality hit, it was too much. Had you not warned both her & mom, you still wouldn’t be the ahole as life experiences are to be learned from. Now she knows what she’s willing to do vs. not do. Let mom get her feeling out & now she knows what her daughter is capable of & what not.
Never be upset when the trash takes itself out
Leah and her parents (at least her mom) sound like a nightmare. Why would either you or your daughter care if Leah could hang out or not? Sounds like she just complained the whole time. I’d ask your daughter what she sees in Leah.
NTA.
NTA. Leah and her mom sound entitled. Their loss. It’s a good opportunity to teach your daughter that friendship goes two ways – someone who whines and expects you to do all of the heavy lifting is not a friend. Leah will lose out on many opportunities because of her behavior, and because of her mom’s support of her behavior.
ABSOLUTELY NOT! Theatre 🎭 Tickets are expensive! You explained everything beforehand! Losing Leah is Not a Great Loss!
NAH. Y’all are being too hard on a 12-ish old who didn’t have the experience she expected.
> Leah’s mom trashed me to the other moms
This isn’t enough for me to make a judgment.
This does not sound like a loss for your daughter. That girl behaved poorly, was not prepared, and definitely didn’t go with the flow. Glad to hear the other moms backed you up. She’s definitely not to be invited to future events.
NTA — she is a spoiled brat, which I second the other commenters saying she is ungrateful. All she does is complain when something doesn’t go her way. She needs to be taught some lessons.
NTA. She was told what she was signing up for and didn’t listen. That’s on her.
NTA, and you know this. You explained what the trip would entail, and Leah signed up for it. It’s not your fault that she turned out to be a lazy, entitled brat, though it sounds as though she probably learned that from her mom. Just because someone is mad and acting unreasonable does not mean you did anything wrong. You handled the situation fine.
NTA. Your daughter just got a great life lesson about personal responsibility and accountability through the actions of Leah and her mom. I wouldn’t have cut everything short for her with no good reason for it, either.
No, Leah was not sick or in danger. They were both warned of the activities and the amount of walking. I would not feel bad at all. Who cares what was said . You stood your ground
NTA. It doesn’t sound like your kid would be missing out Bo longer hanging with Leah.
NTA
WTF…. You did everything you needed to do, explained the rules, explained them to the mom, had your daughter explain them. The other girls and their moms know the rules and BACK YOU. Why would you think you are the AH? This girl is beyond entitled to the point that her mother doesn’t even remember expectations and wants to crap on you for….. check notes….. doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID. If your daughter doesn’t get to see Leah, that’s a win.
NTA
Not everything is for everyone.
But big girls suck it up, commit to the day as planned and decline further invitations to go again.
If she was my kid, I wouldn’t have even let her leave early: boredom and exercise are character building, we follow through on our promises and we don’t inconvenience others simply for our own convenience.
I’m willing to bet that friendship will fizzle out very quickly. Definitely NTA
‘Now Leah’s mom won’t let her hang out with my daughter.’ Problem solved!
NTA.
NTA and honestly you don’t want your child hanging out with a child who is being taught to be entitled
The parents that know backed you up, which was good. So the bratty kid can’t hang out with your kid any longer. Sounds like a win to me!
NTA and it’s a very good thing Leah doesn’t hang out with your daughter anymore! That brat made your daughter’s day about her and your kid has to learn who are her real friends.
Leah is not one of them
The other mom not letting her whiney brat hang out with your daughter, is a blessing. NTA
F-no, entitled little b$&t. Nta
Definitely NTA. Now we see where the daughter gets it from. Both she AND her mom are entitled brats.
No sucking it up and taking her home would have set a precedent for Leah and her mom. Her mom set her up to fail enjoying healthy activities- my guess is by not setting her up with healthy activities. You did the right thing.
NTA. if she can’t ride the train without an adult, her parents have to pick her up. and i have the impression that her mom knew she would be whiny about walking and would get bored easily.
Sounds like Leah was a spoiled little child. Your daughter might be better off without her as a friend.
NTA
-Leah season is now over. Some people are in our lives for a season, others for a lifetime.
NTA
Kids don’t know what to expect and I get that, but you also gave suggestions that were ignored, and you were there with four other people who want to leave. Leah was not the birthday girl, and you leaving to take her home would have ruined the birthday for your daughter!
I’m glad the other moms stood up for you, and I hope that the girls figure out their friendship outside of the drama from Leah’s mom.
NTA. The expectations were very clear from the beginning . You explained to the parents and your daughter explained to her friend . Like even the other mothers . Backed you because you have the same format every time you hit the city . Your daughter is better off without such an entitled person as a friend and since her parents expected you to just abandon your child’s birthday plans because their child was bored it’s easy to see where she gets it from.
You should be happy. Problem fixed.
NTA. Mom and daughter expected you to appease her and make changes that would make Leah happy, not your daughter.
Don’t invite her anywhere. If she REALLY wants to join again, she needs to prove at home that she understands expectations with your family. Let’s be honest: kids learn and eventually know who they can get away with stuff and who they can’t. She can’t with you and she knows she can with her mom.
NTA
Is not having Leah to hang out with, such a loss for your daughter?
NTA.
NTA. Your stance is perfectly reasonable, the kid opted out because she wasn’t having enough fun. You aren’t responsible for her ability to enjoy an adventure.
My kid loves a train or bus ride to cool parts of our area and she often asks to bring friends. I explain to her friends and their parents, I am not driving and we aren’t stopping at the typical kid-friendly places in our neighborhood. If they’re a plain hamburger from McDonald’s kid, we need to pick a different activity, since these areas are generally void of those types of places. Happy to do a zoo trip instead with more aligned kid food oriented menu. Full transparency, my kid will definitely eat her share of McNuggets or whatever, but I am not hoping on mass transit for 20+ minutes to get the same kind of food 5 minutes from home. We are out for an adventure.
NTA. The plans and rules were plainly set in advance. Apparently, little Miss Entitlement is used to getting her way. Oh, too bad, this time she got the highway!
NTA. You had your own child and other kids to worry about and this wasn’t an emergency. This is no different than if Leah had stayed the night at your house and wanted to go home at midnight. You wouldn’t expect the hosting parent to drive her home; you go pick up the kid.
Glad she left, though. She would’ve made the rest miserable.
NTA – you and your daughter thoroughly explained how the day would go and what the expectations were in advance. Not listening, or deciding that going and whining would change the outcome, is on the girl and her mother.
Good job for not letting her “boredom” ruin your daughter’s special day.
NTA – Why would you want your daughter hanging around that bratty kid anyway?
NTA. That’s the problem to begin with. She’s never told no.
You are absolutely NTA!!! Leah is a brat & it’s good that her mother won’t let her hang out with your daughter anymore. We go to NYC with my 4yr old grandson & he’s a freaking trooper, we take the subway but also walk a lot. Last time we walked over six miles. My grandson is not your average kid though lol. You went out of your way to explain everything, too bad Leah’s mom didn’t listen
Fuck Leah and her mom. The child had no manners…and I dont think she’ll be good for your daughter. NtA
NTA. Oh no! You won’t have to deal with Leah’s whiny behavior anymore! So sad! /s
They wanted you to cut your daughter’s birthday short because their kid was being an AH. At least you know where Leah gets her entitled behavior from.
I think less Leah in your lives will be no great loss.
NTA
NTA. Why on earth would you miss the show and plans with your daughter because their whiny baby is bored? 2 choices, their daughter stays and stops complaining or her parents come get her. Ridiculous that they would expect you to. Them not allowing their daughter to be around is a blessing. You made the plans and expectations clear. Their princess will not be included in the future.
NTA
But I think you’ve dodged a bullet here, sounds like Leah has one idea of what fun is and there’s no changing her mind. Herself and her mother can get cabs around NYC because that attitude won’t result in many more invitations from friends her own age.
NTA.
NTA- Do you really want to deal with her and her Mother? It seems that your daughter and this girl have very little in common, let the friendship die. She and her mom are entitled asses.
No you did the right thing. This girl sounds entitled and learned a good lesson that she doesn’t always get her way. So glad the other parents backed you up.
At no point would I have left a day with my child due to this girl tantrum.
NTA, you’re fine, Leah and her Mom are entitled brats. You’re saved from explaining to your daughter that you don’t want her hanging with brats.
NTA. Doesn’t sound like Leah and your daughter are compatible friends; it’s Leah who self-selected herself out of the fun day/night. You did nothing wrong.
NTA, and it sounds like Leah’s mom has hopped onto my least favorite parenting bandwagon, which is fostering in kids a belief that it’s OK for them to demand that everything they do be entertaining. Good luck with decades of work in the future, Leah!
NTA and it sounds like that association is no loss. You organized a great outing for your kid and her friends and did your due diligence beforehand. Now you know not to do anything with those people again. I’m glad it doesn’t sound like they succeeded in ruining the birthday party, despite their best efforts!
What, and disappointed your own, actual daughter? No, f**k that noise, you’re good. Your daughter will likely not stay friends with that spoilt kit for very long if she behaves like that anyway. NTA, all the way. Leah knew the rules, she just didn’t think they applied to her.
NTA. Never invite that spoiled kid again.
NTA- good riddance to this friendship. The kid sounds like a nightmare . Doesn’t know how to function in the real world because she stares at a phone all day long.
Sometimes kids don’t understand what they are getting themselves into. The parent should be aware of that, and it was her responsibility to go get her kid early, not yours to take her back home, which would have greatly interrupted your trip. It doesn’t sound like there was any mitigating circumstance where her parent was unexpectedly not able to do so. NTA.
Nope, NTA! You explained the rules and everything beforehand. That neither she or her mother listened, is NOT your problem. Stay firm. It’s also great the other parents have your back here❤️
NTA. Unfortunately, it’s quite clear where this girl has learned her entitled behaviour. Just take this as a learning experience for your daughter and move on.
Leah is a whiny, self-centered, brat, so no loss there. In fact, it is good you culled her from the friend group before any damage was done to the other friendships. I feel sorry for Leah who needs better parenting.
NTA. Also there is no loss not having to have that whiny girl around anymore.
NTA. Also I don’t think your daughter would want to be friends with someone who ruined her birthday. I wouldn’t worry about it.
INFO: 45 minutes of walking at 12 is considered long? smh
https://xkcd.com/120/
NTA
Based on this title, I thought you left a kid in NYC, or less dramatically, wouldn’t drive her home when you were on your way home.
We take kids with us to FL or the lake regularly. We make sure they know that we will be driving to Florida not flying, and so they need to keep themselves occupied for 18 to 21 hours depending on where we’re going. Most kids are really good about it. Luckily we haven’t run into the situation you’re talking about. But with it only being an hour away, that is her parents pronlem, not yours. You do not ruin the trip for everybody else because this girl cannot be bothered to be appreciative and not whine and complain the whole time. It was one day. I’m glad all the parents agree that mom is wrong.
This was to celebrate your daughter’s birthday, I’m glad you got rid of the whiny girl, and hope everyone enjoyed the rest of the night!
NTA Your daughter doesn’t need to hangout with a snowflake. Goodbye Leah and Leah’s mom. Their kid, their responsibility.
NTAH The daughters mirroring her selfish mothers behaviour.
I used to work in Chicago and had a monthly train pass. My daughter was young enough (under 13) to ride for free. We’d go exploring every 2-3 weeks. We found some amazing stores, checked out various underground routes, and generally had a blast.
NTA. You say Leah’s mom won’t let her hang with your daughter. After that does your daughter even want to hang with her any more?
NTA
You were clear about the plans and expectations. Some kids don’t have that level of independence because of how they’ve been parented, which means their parents don’t even understand the level of independence you were explaining.
I ran into the same issues when I was a SAHM. Three kids and we had memberships to every museum, aquarium, zoo, etc in a 200 mile radius. My kids grew up being able to eat off any menu, handle themselves in public, road trip without screens, and communicate when they needed a break. We curated a group of friends who could get along with all the siblings, and all of the above.
It was really difficult when a kid didn’t jive with the group/outing, and they didn’t get invited again. Explaining to another parent that their kid has no clue how to self-manage when they’re no being helicoptered comes off as judgmental. They didn’t understand, the kid didn’t understand.
All these kids are now in their late 20’s; and it’s clear who learned to self-manage, and who’s still learning.
You handled this absolutely correctly. The kid and parent both need to reflect on why the other kids were able to manage but not them.
NTA! You were up front about what should be expected during the outing to Leah and to her Mom. It is not your responsibility to cater to Leah because she was not prepared for the day’s activities! Leah and her mother sound like Leah has always been catered to and gets her way all the time.
>Now Leah’s mom won’t let her hang out with my daughter.
Send a thank you note. No one needs a whiner like that in their lives.
You are of course very much NTA. You explained how *everything* was going to go, and Leah’s mom and Leah both chose for her to come along knowing full well what the trip entailed. That it wasn’t what they wanted is on them and her mom’s absolute audacity in being upset with you only reflects poorly on her. Good on your friends for backing you up.
I think this is also a good teaching lesson for your daughter that *adults are sometimes wrong*. I think a lot of kids grow up with this expectation of universal reverence for adults, and no one ever takes them aside and says “some adults suck”. I’m sorry its creating an awkward situation for her social group, but sounds like most everyone in that orbit knows where the problem lies…