My wife and I (both 23) have two kids (a newborn and toddler) and have both been struggling financially this year. After graduating this May with my bachelors, I’ve struggled finding a job anywhere within 30 miles of home so we’ve had no income the past summer all the while our savings has dwindled down. We live with her parents and siblings to help with money and such as well. (This covers most of the essential details).
So recently, my wife’s family owns a cabin way up north from where we live, about 4:30-5 hours away from home. My parent-in-laws have expressed over the last month the dates that they’re going to be going up to close it for the season before winter as usual and usually need help closing it (taking out a dock and cleaning up). My wife and I usually try to make it up but haven’t the past couple times they’ve gone up due to her being pregnant and not being able to withstand the drive. This time around, we’ve planned not to go until just today, my wife is expressing she really wants to go, like really bad. I’ve tried to iterate I don’t think we should with having a newborn and with the costs (I’m the finance guy in our family, and the long-term thinker). I’ve tried looking ahead if we do this and just in gas, it would dwindle our savings and money down by half ( we have just over 500 left in savings and it takes 3-4 tanks of gas, not including any out-of-pocket costs) not putting us in a great situation, and I’m not comfortable driving that long with our newborn (I think we just need to give our baby some time to grow and such.
Whenever I try to bring this up, giving my wife the details and my thinking behind the issue, she’ll just try to guilt trip me into going, or just push me with her feelings. It’s hard trying to use reason when she’s not thinking of any of the consequences of it, and only focusing on her short-term wants. I can’t reason with her and this always makes me the bad guy in the family and in her eyes, just because I’m looking out for us. She usually with use the argument that she never gets what she wants, when that’s actually reversed, she always does. Or she uses the argument that she wants to make the memories with our kids. AITA for putting my foot down regardless of her feelings to help our family (us four, not her family) in the long-run?
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My wife and I (both 23) have two kids (a newborn and toddler) and have both been struggling financially this year. After graduating this May with my bachelors, I’ve struggled finding a job anywhere within 30 miles of home so we’ve had no income the past summer all the while our savings has dwindled down. We live with her parents and siblings to help with money and such as well. (This covers most of the essential details).
So recently, my wife’s family owns a cabin way up north from where we live, about 4:30-5 hours away from home. My parent-in-laws have expressed over the last month the dates that they’re going to be going up to close it for the season before winter as usual and usually need help closing it (taking out a dock and cleaning up). My wife and I usually try to make it up but haven’t the past couple times they’ve gone up due to her being pregnant and not being able to withstand the drive. This time around, we’ve planned not to go until just today, my wife is expressing she really wants to go, like really bad. I’ve tried to iterate I don’t think we should with having a newborn and with the costs (I’m the finance guy in our family, and the long-term thinker). I’ve tried looking ahead if we do this and just in gas, it would dwindle our savings and money down by half ( we have just over 500 left in savings and it takes 3-4 tanks of gas, not including any out-of-pocket costs) not putting us in a great situation, and I’m not comfortable driving that long with our newborn (I think we just need to give our baby some time to grow and such.
Whenever I try to bring this up, giving my wife the details and my thinking behind the issue, she’ll just try to guilt trip me into going, or just push me with her feelings. It’s hard trying to use reason when she’s not thinking of any of the consequences of it, and only focusing on her short-term wants. I can’t reason with her and this always makes me the bad guy in the family and in her eyes, just because I’m looking out for us. She usually with use the argument that she never gets what she wants, when that’s actually reversed, she always does. Or she uses the argument that she wants to make the memories with our kids. AITA for putting my foot down regardless of her feelings to help our family (us four, not her family) in the long-run?
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> I believe I might be the asshole because I’m disregarding my wife’s feelings and not helping my in laws, I feel like this would make me an asshole seen by the family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but be gentle with her. She’s still dealing with alot of hormones and changes to her body after pushing a whole human out her cooter. She probably wants to go as an excuse to introduce the new baby to grandma and grandpa. Maybe try to offer a compromise like “We can’t go to the cabin but we can invite them to stay a few nights here next month” or something similar so that she still gets to introduce baby to the grandparents but you don’t have to spend so much just to go up there. You’re absolutely right that a newborn shouldn’t be traveling that far so soon after being born.
NTA, I understand that she might be going a bit stir crazy at the moment but short term gain doesn’t bode well for long term pain financially. Perhaps you could suggest a little day trip closer to home, somewhere nice and it might just bring home the reality of travelling with two such young children.
You have two babies and live with your in-laws. They need help closing up and you see going to use gas as the excuse? Instead of using savings maybe get a job. It doesn’t have to be in your field. You don’t want to go. Maybe being the finance guy isn’t working because you don’t work. Yes yta.
I don’t think either you or your wife are ahs but your situation sounds dire. What happens when you run out of money?
NAH I can see your argument about money but I can also see that this might be the only way you get any type of vacation right now. Your wife may also welcome the extra set of hands and may see it as the only way she can get a real break. I would look more closely at the situation and not just concentrate on the logical part, also look at the emotional benefits as well.
YTA for not doing whatever it takes to find any job possible rn. 30 miles? That’s just a casual commute.
YTA I think. You’re not going to get a cheaper family holiday than this and having a baby is HARD and getting out of the house for a change in scenery can feel AMAZING. Sounds like life has been nothing but stress for both of you recently and your wife probably just wants to have a nice time with everyone.
Going on this trip means you run out of savings in October instead of November so I can’t really see the benefit of not going.
I think one of you needs to look further afield for a job because you can’t survive, let alone live, like this.
You both need to widen your job search perimeter. NTA you’re dead-ass broke with two kids to feed. Wife needs to face the reality. One of you guys needs to be working now.
NTA. If gas alone is going to cost you a good amount of the money you have saved then it’s probably best to not go.
OP, you are going to have to sit down with your wife and have a real conversation about the two of you making better choices. Just because either of you want to do something doesn’t make it a good idea automatically. Right now, with $500 and two kids, take any job you can get.. even if it’s not in your field. Even if it’s at McDonald’s until the job you’re qualified for comes through. Not to mention that the two of you need to come to some agreement about your family planning until you are financially stable and able to afford to establish your own home without needing to rely on her parents. These are the necessary sacrifices that you make as parents and adults. You both have to work together on a plan and stick to it.
Living with her parents makes you the odd man out. Sound like she’s reverting to her teenage years trying to get what she wants. NTA
NTA but if you haven’t already, stop being the finance guy and be a partner. Sit down with her and talk about what the money looks like and what you would be risking by spending this much in concrete terms. “If we spend this, we may not be able to cover the car insurance.” “If our baby gets a fever? We won’t be able to take them to the ER without going into debt.” Whatever it is. “I am sorry but we are broke and can’t afford to buy 3-4 tanks of gas for fun.”
Stay home. Sadly, you cannot afford to go.
NAH but, you can’t pretend that one trip where fuel is the only cost is outrageous when you are soooo young with two kids already, and you refuse to take a job that isn’t ideal. You guys have a lot of growing up to do.
I’m just going to say it, get a job. Get a shitty job part time until you find something that pays better. You are the finance guy right? Well look at the numbers. You could break even or bleed your family dry. You’re sabotaging your wife’s vacation because you won’t work a shit job for a while.
If you’re sonworried about finances why did you have another kid while living with parents and being unemployed ? Your both ta
I don’t know if YTA, but let her go in her parents’ car and you stay home with the kids. Win-win. Easy. And if she’s breastfeeding, there’s room for the baby. No gas, no expenses, no problem.
INFO if your in-laws need help with moving things and closing out the cabin and you go to HELP, can they pay for your gas to get there as a way to ensure rheu get the help they need and so your wife can be there?
Otherwise im not really sure what else to tell you, you might have bigger issues then money tbh
If your in-laws need your help closing the cabin, can they front you gas money or drive you up?
NTA! Sit down show her the numbers, and say if we do this we have no money for food in “insert how many weeks/ months” vs not doing it “insert other weeks/ months”
Your inlaws put a roof over your head and needs help closing up the cottage. Go help him.
It sounds like your in laws need your assistance. And this is something you can do to help out after living on their dime. And your wife really wants to go too. YTA. And then after this trip, swallow your pride and apply to USPS or Amazon or Sams and get an income. I know it’s a terrible job market but something is better than nothing.
YTA. GET A JOB!!! If you refuse to work and you’re the finance guy??? You have bigger problems than a weekend at the cabin.
Send her with parents. Stay home and look for a job
This sounds like Utah, where you’re encouraged to get married before you finish college even though they can’t afford rent anywhere but the parents basement and then its expected to start having a family within a year or so. I see this so often and I want to shake the parents for not discouraging marriage before at least one of them is done with school/training.
YTA because you’re living with her family and they’ve expressed that they need help closing the cottage. I don’t care how much it will cost you, go help. You owe them.
NTA
You cannot afford to go, she cannot afford to go
Why can’t her parents pay for gas?