My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, living together for the last year. On paper, things look stable. But in the bedroom, I feel like we’re on completely different pages.
Last Saturday, he initiated and afterwards said “That was amazing.” Meanwhile, I had spent most of the time staring at the ceiling, trying to act into it. I didn’t say anything in the moment, but it’s been eating at me.
The controversial part is: I’m starting to resent how out of touch he is. When I’ve tried to suggest changes, he either laughs it off or tells me “you’re overthinking.” It makes me feel invisible. At this point I’m even questioning if we’re compatible long-term, which feels awful because outside of this we really do work well together.
I don’t want to just blurt out “I’m not enjoying this” and crush him, but I also can’t keep pretending.
TLDR: I (28F) feel disconnected and like I’m faking it during sex, while my boyfriend (29M) thinks everything is perfect. How can I start an honest conversation about this without hurting him or blowing up the relationship?
Edit: thoughts on using gpt to translate my raw thoughts?
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Never, ever fake it. You need to tell him — outside of the bedroom — what’s going on. One last conversation about it. If he pulls the “you’re over thinking it” or laughs it off again, you know that he’s never going to change.
Life’s too short to date people who suck in bed.
Just tell him he sucks at sex. When I first started dating my current partner, I had just came from a relationship in which the sex was rough and kinky. My partner told me bluntly she wasn’t enjoying it at all. She explained to me what she wanted and I adapted. She says she is quite satisfied nowadays and orgasms pretty much every time we have sex.
Don’t rely on saying things, sex is a physical act, take action in what you want.
Sit him down sometime outside of the bedroom not while you all are having sex and just start the conversation same as you would if you were talking about anything else.
You all are supposed to be a team and figure stuff like this out together. Being able to communicate about this stuff is incredibly important.
Take a look at the book She Comes First.
But also, he needs to know, under no uncertain terms, sex for you is not meeting your needs.
Pull him aside when things aren’t even remotely sexual and tell him. Reassure him that you care for him and want to do everything to stay together for the long haul (if you mean it) and that includes having hard conversations. Let him know that there are some things missing in the bedroom for you. Tell him the things that you need. If he downplays it or laughs it off-be kind but firm and tell him that you’re not joking, and you want to make sure he understands that it is important to the health of your relationship. Ask him to plan a date night that ends with him trying one of your suggestions. If he thinks things are good now-clue him in that it will be even more incredible once both of you are feeling the same amount of pleasure.
And then stop “acting into it”. Even if his first attempts at following through on what you need are a bit clumsy as he figures it out…communicate how much it means to you that he’s trying.
If he makes it about himself (I’m not good enough, Im not used to that, I’m not sure if I will like that, etc) let him know that it’s fun to practice and compromise is key. You’re communicating with him because it’s important to you.
Good luck!
Editing to add: when my husband and I were dating I made sure to communicate that an important pillar of a relationship for me is being willing to grow TOGETHER. I’ve seen so many relationships fall apart because either one person was no longer willing to grow, or the couple grew apart. I also told him that arguing (respectfully and in a healthy way) was not a negative to me-but an opportunity to become closer. Trying new or difficult things is an opportunity to grow closer. Also-I try to speak to the goodness in him (“I know you to be an caring and loving person-I would love to see more that side of you in this area”). Call out the goodness in him and see if he will rise to it, or if he doesn’t view it as worth it.
oh bless your heart. it is really hard. maybe you could take the lead during sex and make sure it feels good for you? boss him about a bit? he might enjoy it! if he finishes and you don’t, say “can we make sure i finish next time?” or alternatively say “i feel like our sex life has changed recently, can we try something new so it feels good for me again?”
You can’t have this conversation without hurting him or potentially blowing up the relationship- you’ve been basically lying and it is always at least a wound to the ego to hear you haven’t been satisfying someone. You just have to have the conversation anyway. Your other option is keep faking it until your resentment blows up the relationship anyway. If he’s not satisfying you in bed, he should be a little crushed for a while. Do not protect someone’s ego at your expense because you’re hurting yourself and denying their opportunity for growth. A mature adult can cope with being hurt by a hard truth, and still care enough about the issue to work through it.
Just rip the bandaid off and be direct. Tell him you need to be honest with him about something, and say you haven’t been satisfied with your sex life. Own up to not communicating well and hiding your feelings when you shouldn’t have, but tell him you’ve also felt like he hasn’t been receptive to your more subtle approach to the issue. Tell him sexual compatibility is important to you and that you really want to work through this.
If he’s still dismissive when you tell him flat out that things need to change, then yeah, you’re not compatible. Hopefully that won’t be the case and he’ll take it seriously.
tell him straight up and stop avoiding the uncomfortability. you don’t have to be mean in your tone, but asking strangers on reddit and considering a breakup rather than first talking it out and dealing with the awkwardness is wild. you’ve been together for 3 years for goodness sake, im sure youve been through some uncomfortable shit together, stop avoiding, and dont resent him when you gotta be the one to talk about it
Sometimes they need to be told that they have some things that would be good to work on, none of us are perfect right off the bat. Even with time – show him what you want and see how he reacts. Ask him if there’s anything that would motivate him from your end as well maybe.
You have to find a way to talk to him so he knows its serious.
Make fun of his penis, that should work out
The reality is, you are allowing him to dismiss your feelings because YOU don’t want to have what could amount to a relationship ending conversation
You are not sexually satisfied
He is getting everything he wants and you are not getting anything in return
And when you have tried to bring it up, he is dismissing it…either because he’s selfish OR you are so good at faking it he can’t imagine a world where you are not having as good of a time as he is
Sit him down
Be as honest as you can
Tell him things have to change or you will be moving on
If he is a good guy, mature and empathetic…his first questions will be “well why didn’t you say anything”
That is when you bring up the fact you tried in the past but he was always dismissive
Upon hearing that, he’ll either accept that he needs to be better lover and a better communicator…
OR
Hell attempt to play the victim, try to make you feel bad, and do his best to ignore the problem entirely
If the second scenario comes to pass, then I think you go stay with friends or family until he either pulls his head out of his butt OR you realize you deserve better
And please don’t worry about “crushing him”
If his ego is so fragile that honesty crushes him, then he’s not mature enough for a relationship in the first place
Focus on what you’d like, rather than what he’s doing “wrong”
Maybe take the lead? Action in the moment can be hot for both of you, where words may be awkward and potentially taken the wrong way.
Either way, faking it is a self-sustained spiral. You’re not going to get what you want, he’ll keep doing / not doing the wrong things, and your discontent will grow. Then once you do say something, it’ll hurt because of shattered ego and feeling of betrayal
You’re 28 years old stop faking it
Any man is going to be self conscious. Let’s flip the roles, to you he’s amazing but really he’s just like that was the worst sex I’ve had lmao. There’s only so many reasons why it could be that bad and You know you would throw a fit or worse attack him by trying to redirect it back to him. Just break up with dude because you’re going to cheat eventually or it’s going to get to a point where you let it boil up and you’re going to go about it the wrong way. Unless you can look past it lol
A conversation requires comunication.
If you fake it, you are doing exactly the contrary to what you intend.
Never fake exitement in sex people.
Talk to him! Use vibrators
Why fake it? Sit down with him and address it and how serious this is to you. If he deflects or laughs it off, then you have your answer.
Also, you’re probably resenting him a lot but give him some grace and recognize that you’ve contributed to this dynamic by faking it.
I only say this because resentment can really harden us to our partner and we forget that we all make mistakes.
If you can navigate this together, you can do most things.
I think anyone who is just “staring at the ceiling” doesn’t deserve a good sex life.
Sounds like you don’t do anything during. You don’t have any grounds to complain.
You have to have a frank conversation. He may be upset that you kept this from him and pretended for so long, but nothing is going to change until this is addressed. Are you attracted to him? Have you ever been pleased by sleeping with him? These are something’s to consider before moving forward with your conversation.
Sounds like you’re the one who sucks in bed. You’re laying there like a dead fish literally staring at the cieling and making fake noises.
Maybe try a little to enjoy yourself. Flick your own bean. Get on top. Move your body. And it’s ok to ask him to do something too.
But honesty, it sounds like you just want to move on and are looking for an excuse. Maybe you’re not really ready for a relationship. Maybe you need to penis shop. Whatever.
Right, never fake it, but now that you have, take all the control.
Do it the way you like it and ensure that you are silent if you don’t like something, outwardly praise the things you do like and don’t be afraid to tell him to go back, or do more of the same. He wont mind you being assertive if he sees your excitement for those things. Eventually you’ll train the things you don’t like right out of the bedroom.
Sounds like a narcissist trying to gaslight you or downplay your emotions
When YOU hear “your overthinking it” right there it tells me YOUR highly emotionally intelligent and he is not (at least in this situation) your able to tell “sense” that things aren’t right.. now your boyfriend might be telling the truth in that it was great, meaning great for him…however he should listen to your feelings, access the situation and try to adjust so it is satisfying for you as well, if he doesn’t try to adjust he selfish and that’s all there is to it Good luck.
Gunna sound like a jerk, but this is on you. Never fake it. Nothing good can ever come from it.
The very first time something felt bad or off, tell your partner. Doesn’t have to be mean, just a “hey can you do this” or “not do that”. Any decent partner knows sex is about two people so if you give a suggestion and they get mad, you know you found a bad partner.
This is all bad advice. Reddit will always tell you to have a blunt demanding conversation. The best way to do this is to have a conversation about things you want to try or to make it a game. Let’s quiz each other on sex etc.
You start the convo by being honest. Someone can’t adapt or change if they don’t know. If they try to brush it off, don’t let them. Express what you are wanting and not having.
As someone who has been in the same position as you, you just have to say at some point, “I’m not sure if we are sexually compatible”. It doesn’t mean he’s bad or you are good, but it’s a launching point to see if he’s like “how can we get on the same page?” or like “well, I’m satisfied, so how could there be a problem?” If he’s not open and enthusiastic to hear how you would like your sexual compatibility to improve, if he’s defensive and dismissive, I honestly don’t think it will get any better.
Be honest. Otherwise the sex will NEVER improve for you. Eventually you’ll stop wanting it. He won’t understand why. It could drive one or both of you to cheat to get what you’re not getting from each other. It’s a bad mix. In any real relationship, you to be able to have difficult conversations.
Focus in the positive. Talk to him about what you like. Give him feedback. Offer ideas for the two of you to try. Send him snippets of porn videos that include things you’d like to do. Give visuals. Talking about it can be very helpful too. Gets both of you worked up and excited about the next time. You’re doing a huge disservice to yourself and him by staying quiet. Your resentment should be aimed at yourself. You’re the one creating the issue by not speaking up.
Try a different approach.
Instead of suggesting things to try (Which we stupid males often attribute to us not doing something right, or her never being satisfied. We’re all pretty limited by our masculine attitude this way), talk about things that you are excited to experience. Talk about -your- fantasies. Make it a challenge to his ability to knock your socks off.
Now, realize that this is a very delicate approach, and you have to be fully aware of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ approaches. Try to avoid deprecating him, and his fragile male ego.
For example, instead of “You need to grow a pair, and choke me like a man.” (Really bad, and extremely deprecating), my girl just tried taking my hand, and placing it around her throat. Instead of demanding that I slap her ass, she one day, bent over, and slapped her own ass, then looked to see my reaction. When she said “Now you do it…” it wasn’t a challenge it was an experiment. I was afraid of hurting her, but she was patient and said ‘Harder…’ until I did it to her satisfaction. And then (And this is -very- important) give praising response when its good.
This kind of thing works in a -lot- of aspects of interaction. Especially intimate encounters.
Some other things to avoid:
Indecisiveness. I’ve found that a lot of people don’t know what they want, they just know that they want something different. When you don’t know what you want, don’t expect someone else to guess for you. Not knowing what you want means coming up with things to try. Don’t put the onus on him to solve your boredom… realize that in healthy communication you don’t assume they want what they don’t say they want, why would you expect them to do so? Don’t make loved ones break in, unlock the door or provide the key.
Criticism. Don’t criticize their performance, or lack their of, and *never criticize your own*. Saying, ‘can’t/could you do this better?’ or ‘you need to do this?’ may seem innocuous to you, but to most people it’s no different than saying ‘my god, you’re garbage at this.’ For example Instead of telling your excited partner ‘stop spazzing out’, just calmly speak soothing words, asking them to slow down, take it slow and move purposefully. You catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.
Proscribed Completion. Realize that orgasm is -not- the only goal in a good sexual encounter, and it doesn’t have to be the finish line. Sex should start before the clothes come off, and should last until both of your are satisfied. This means incorporate seduction into ever moment of your encounter. For me, a woman’s vocal is aphrodisiacal. Her moans, and words push me further. Nothing has ever gotten me back in the game faster than a woman’s continued focused. We turn our attention to keeping each others attention. After orgasm, she says “watch this…” and begins touching herself, or making out with me while talking about how good it is to be with me… Tell them how much they turn you on will often surprise with it’s potency and motivational power. Few epic stories are told in a single paragraph.
Requests and Demands. Look, people don’t realize this, but words are a double edged sword. How you use them is very important in most sexual encounters. When you speak and/or act to seduce you convey a want inside you that is not necessarily a demand, and is always a provocation. “Want to go in the room and have sex, is boring…” calling your partner into the room where you’re naked or dressed provocatively and waiting connects to the carnal want in the animal brain. Subtlety doesn’t always mean a subtle hint, so much as stoking the want and desire in their heart and mind. And the rub is that… Sometimes it -IS- direct, and demanding and and aggressive and forward. But be dynamic and use all that you got. It takes more than a hammer to build a house.
Stop faking it. He’s not a mind reader, tell him you’re not having fun.
You need to learn to communicate better. like when you’re just cuddling, be playful, kiss, talk, mention a little fantasy you wanted to do to him. If that doesn’t spark something, he might be gay.
He thinks it’s amazing because you’re faking. Stop faking. Then he’ll realise it isn’t amazing for you.
Be honest with him. He is not a mind reader. Show him what you like, make it fun for both of you.
If he goes in head first like a champ and still not making you shake that means he has way less than it takes he may not know how to get in ya the right way kinda looks goofy like a monkey fkn a milk jug he just needs some lessons. he needs to. get a chair and sit and watch and get someone that can make you shake like a may tag washer if he sits in that chair one time and watches you get the dust knocked. off dat azz he either going. run to momma or man up and get up and do something
Pm me
Regarding your edit: why would you ask ChatGPT about sex? It’s a virgin who can’t drive.
Honestly OP you shouldn’t have to be putting in this much work to ‘fix’ sex with your bf when he’s already made it clear that he doesn’t really care about your pleasure. No amount of communication tricks will solve that. He just doesn’t care. It’s time to think about exiting the relationship. This lack of consideration will show up in other areas as well if it hasn’t already. Love yourself enough to leave.