I (29M) have a 14 year old sister, whom we’ll call Abigail for the sake of this post. Abigail has her first ever boyfriend, so of course she went on her very first date recently.
She asked me if I could drive them to the coffee shop, and I said yes. I drove them there, and then went and sat on the other side of the place. Didn’t talk to them once, except for when I had to pay for their drinks/snacks. As soon as the boyfriend was out of the car after we dropped him off, Abigail started getting upset with me. Apparently I embarassed her in front of this guy by sticking around, and apparently she’s “not a baby and doesn’t need a big brother to protect her”. I am now getting the silent treatment from Abigail.
AITA for sitting on the other side of the coffee shop during my sister’s first date?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (29M) have a 14 year old sister, whom we’ll call Abigail for the sake of this post. Abigail has her first ever boyfriend, so of course she went on her very first date recently.
She asked me if I could drive them to the coffee shop, and I said yes. I drove them there, and then went and sat on the other side of the place. Didn’t talk to them once, except for when I had to pay for their drinks/snacks. As soon as the boyfriend was out of the car after we dropped him off, Abigail started getting upset with me. Apparently I embarassed her in front of this guy by sticking around, and apparently she’s “not a baby and doesn’t need a big brother to protect her”. I am now getting the silent treatment from Abigail.
AITA for sitting on the other side of the coffee shop during my sister’s first date?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because she probably just wanted to feel grown up and assert some independence, and having your big brother on the other side of the coffee shop mildly supervising doesn’t exactly accomplish that.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. What did she expect you to do? Leave her, a whole ass CHILD, all by herself in a coffee shop with some boy????? She may be mad now but have a talk with her once she’s cooled off and explain you stayed either:
A.) to save gas so you wouldn’t have to go there and back twice just to drop her off and pick her up
or
B.) that you stayed to look out for her because the world is a dangerous place and even if she is in public, anything can happen and anyone- especially boys/men- could be dangerous and that you wanted to make sure she would be safe and not end up one of the 97% of women who’ve experienced SA
INFO: Had you ever met the boy she’s dating? 14 is so young, I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to leave her in a coffee shop with some boy, especially if you’d never met him
Honestly, I don’t think you were in the wrong, you were just trying to make sure your little sister was safe, and sitting far away without interfering sounds like a really reasonable compromise. At 14 she probably just felt embarrassed because teens want independence, but it’s clear you weren’t hovering or ruining her time. She’ll likely appreciate it more when she’s older.
YTA. She’s a growing girl, give her some privacy and space to do that!
YTA unless you discussed it before.
Kinda? Mostly because you could have handled that better. You were dropping them off and picking them up, I would have waited in the car. It may be nerve wrecking to see your 14 years old sister on a date at a public place in what was likely daylight. I would have let her have that experience without her brother looming in the background like a sore thumb.
Chances are now you have lost the ability to talk to her about dating at least until she goes to college. Try to say anything you think is important and all she will remember is how angry she is at you. If you don’t want that you should apologize and make it sound like you mean it even if you don’t. You being her brother is more important than being her dad, it lets you talk about things in ways that a dad can’t.
NTA. She may not think she’s a baby anymore, but With that age gap she’s always going to be your “baby sister” no matter how old she gets…and you’re going to naturally want to protect her. But maybe next time make the expectations clear ahead of time?
NTA
If she’s not a baby she can pay her own way.
Definitely NTA. Shes still a young teen so its best you were there while still giving her space by being on the other side of the place. This is just typical teen behaviour of wanting to have all the privileges of being an adult while not understanding the responsibilty that those privileges come with.
She is too young to date, but at the same time what you did was creepy and annoying. You’re a half asshole on this.
Bruh, NTA straight up. Dude, she’s only 14 n ur just looking out for her, ain’t nothing wrong wit that. Trust me, in few yrs she’ll get it. These teens got zero chill, smh. Btw, mad respect for being a caring bro. Hang in there, man.
NAH. yeah you probably didn’t need to sit IN the coffee shop with them but its not like you were spying on them (you weren’t, were you?). and your sister obviously is at an age where independence is very important to her. I’d offer an apology and tell her you didn’t mean to make her feel like a baby, and next time you’ll give her more space.
NTA. You were paying and being taxi and she didnt want you in the cafe? lmao
Also why do they think silent treatment is a punishment?
So she wanted you to drive, pay, leave, then be fetched back whenever they decided to leave? She’s TA
NTA FROM WHAT YOU’VE TOLD US. You drove them, PAID for their date, and gave them space… Its not like you sat at the table. I wouldn’t want to drop them off, wait around until they decide they’re done, then have to drive back to go pick them up, that’s a waste of gas )and time(!
NTA. You were expected to drive them both there, then sit in the car, then come back in to pay for them? Nope. But bear in mind, she’s 14. She’d probably be embarrassed no matter what you did.
Info: Are you her guardian? and were your parents aware of the date?
NTA, but I would have waited in the car and eyed them like a hawk.
ESH
Your intentions were good, and I agree that you should absolutely not have just dropped her off and left.
But you could’ve had a conversation about it ahead of time? Told her your concerns about leaving her alone in a public place with someone you don’t know?
I think a rational discussion ahead of time could’ve saved both of you a lot of distress.
NTA.
ESH
This is something to work out before you get in the car. Do you want me to stay? How about I go shopping and meet you back in an hour? She’s old enough to ask for what she wants, and this could have been a non-issue.
That was nice of you to pay, but I wouldn’t say you ‘had’ to? Might have helped the ‘drop off and don’t stay’ issue.
NTA, you stayed in the coffee shop on the other side. It’s not like you stayed at the same table. Your sister should be grateful you agreed to take them and pay for their “date”. Additionally while not necessarily common everywhere it isn’t unheard of for first dates, especially with younger teens, to be chaperoned.
Lolol. NTA
You drove them there and paid?? You can sit wherever you want. Great job big brother.
No AHs. You could have given money for her to pay. If you need to observe the date, she’s not old enough to date
YTA,
Let her grow up.
You cannot “helicopter parent” her in any meaningful way.
Let her be responsible in a relatively safe space (coffee shop).
NAH
I don’t think you were an AH for wanting to stick around, and it wasn’t like you loomed. It sounds like she was surprised and embarrassed, which is reasonable in her shoes.
You should have made it clear beforehand that you planned on staying. It was her first date, she was worried about different things than logistics. You had the agency to help her date go a bit smoother, while still staying safe.
You fumbled a bit, but not an AH move. Just apologize, explain your reasoning, and set expectations for going forward.
It could have been handled better. I don’t think chaperoning a first date from a distance is a negative, but I’m not 14 year old girl going on my first date, so yknow, my reaction to it isn’t the same as hers. A better balance between being on hand and giving privacy might have been good. Somewhere slightly further away but still nearby.
You could give her some time to cool down a bit and apologise, Try framing it around how you are having difficulty with the situation, rather than making it seem like she is incapable or needing protection. Explain how it was your first time doing something like this, and didn’t know what the right thing to do was. Tell her you care about her a lot so you were nervous for her, and a bit over protective- but you would never forgive yourself if you let something bad happen, and perhaps that clouded your judgement a bit. From there you can probably work out together a way forward where for future situations you can be on hand for safety, but not in the way. Just until ‘you’ learn how to let go and feel confident she can handle herself.
NTA. Your sister needs a bit of a “reality check”. When she or her boyfriend can pay for their own eats, she can expect you to skedaddle. But expecting you to pop up like a Jack in the Box to pay the bill, then make like a tree and leaf until it’s time to drive them home, is more than a bit entitled.
NTA first off she should be more angry at her “date” for asking her out and not even being able to pay for himself! But anyways as long as you weren’t close enough to listen to them you were fine. I think it would have been more awkward if you had went to sit in the car. And if you had just dropped them off they didn’t have any money. If they want grown up dates they are going to have to wait until they are driving and have jobs. The date may have not went well and she’s trying to blame you for it. I remember being a teenage girl. Everything felt so dramatic and like the end of the world. You were being a good responsible older brother.
No,Mister Gladys Kravits you are not. She may be embarrassed right now but I promise when she thaws out you will be pals again.
She is going to really love you as she gets older.
Good job.
(If you don’t know Gladys google her.) Don’t hate me! 😂
I agree 14 is very young & as her older brother, you wanna make sure she’s safe. I do think you could have walked around the plaza/mall/wherever you were instead of staying at the coffee shop. Maybe even sat outside. That would have allowed you to be close to her, while not infringing.
She’s at that age where she’s coming to learn herself & what she likes/dislikes. Could feel awkward for her to have her family sitting across the room from her while she’s on a date with her very first boyfriend.
Not the asshole, but maybe just handled differently.
NTA but honestly, I get why your sister’s upset. You were trying to be thoughtful by staying nearby, but from her perspective, it probably felt like you were hovering on her first date. Next time, either drop her off and leave, or at least check with her if she’s okay with you hanging around.
INFO: Did you tell her that you were going to sit there during her first date?
Because if you didn’t, then yeah, you screwed up. I understand a lot of people will say “you paid so you get to decide blah blah blah”
She was probably nervous as hell and then suddenly she sees you spying on her (even if you say you weren’t, you were). And it was embarrassing for her. It isn’t “apparently” anything, you did embarrass her because her date is sitting there wondering why the guy that drove them to the coffee shop is sticking around and watching them.
The problem is the relationship you have with her is damaged because now she can’t trust you. And when teens can’t trust older relatives/parents/guardians, they hide things. And hiding things leads to more trust issues.
And honestly, this all depends on what kind of person you are: Do you trust someone until they break that trust, or do they have to earn that trust before you can trust them? And seeing as this is your sister, I don’t think she can trust you anymore.
Ok!
So welcome to teenage dating. First date…
Personally I would not have stayed in the shop, I would have set a reasonable “coffee date” time line and done a bit of shopping in the general area if I was on duty to pick them up afterwards. I would have also given her a reasonable amount of money to pay for her own coffee. As far as the boy goes, I would expect to meet him in a general sense (which you did in the car) first as a general rule.
The key here is laying down some kind of framework for the future. Set time lines, set financial expectations, set general expectations of where you are and where you will be, set understanding that you would like to meet the person under polite circumstances. Expectations around behaviour and process.
Oh, and letting her pay for herself and budget for the amount of money she had and what she ordered is a life skill. Money management is important. Another thought is, if she wants to date, she can save for the event and plan for it, particularly when she gets a bit older…
NTA – but that is funny!
I won’t call you AH, really. You had good intentions. But next time will be better to plan what you will do. Tell her that you will be happy to discuss when she is ready.
Nta sadly people are freaking weird. My niece went on a date with a kid that she went to school with she added him on Snapchat and he went to a school performance idk if it was choir or a play or whatever but him and his friends were taking pictures of girls “areas” of the ones that were sitting down and any time they held a note and had their mouths open for a long period of time …….predators are raising predators these days
NTA. You drove them AND paid for the food yet she’s “not a baby”? LOL
NTA
I think you were being a good brother, but she’s also only 14. It’s been a long time since I was that age, but I suppose a young teenage girl would feel anxious in that setting. And is also at the stage of wanting independence.
Not sure if the answer is to stay in the coffee shop (which would make her more anxious), or if it would have been better to sit in the car outside or walk to a neighboring store (after explaining you would have your phone on hand, and be available and close by if she felt unsafe during the date).
Either way, I think the best thing is to be supportive and listen to how she feels when she opens up again. Apologize for making her feel uncomfortable, continue to be there for her and in the future, and maybe discuss together what would be the best way to handle it in the future.
Couldn’t you internet in the car? Or an outside bench? Also, get her one of the kid credit cards.
NTA, but maybe just talk to her – she’s 14, with her first bf, so it’s normal for her to have big feelings about stuff like this, especially when it comes to social and romantic relationships. It’s a delicate balance between letting them explore and keeping them safe. Did you tell her beforehand that you were gonna stay in the shop, or that you were specifically staying to supervise or just there to not have to wait around? Maybe tell her that you won’t do that again, at least without telling her first, and as long as xyz conditions are met (i.e. she shares her phone location while she’s on the date, or meets you for pick up at X time, or agrees to answer check-in texts, whatever). She’s not a baby anymore, but she also isn’t an adult yet and has no prior dating experience, so she needs to learn how to keep herself safe and what to do if something were to happen. Yeah she was embarrassed, and maybe what you did was a bit much, but at least she knows that you’re there for her if ever she needs you.
I’m sorry you’ve basically become the parentified elder sibling, but you’re a good brother and im sure she’ll come around with some time and a conversation. (Has she had the sex talk yet? ><)
Might be good to get some advice from female friends about this if you can, or have her talk with a close older female cousin or something.
NTA. She’s 14
YTA even if you didn’t interact with them, your sibling doesn’t want you hanging out in the same place. Just so your sibling a solid and don’t hang out there
INFO
“Didn’t talk to them once, except for when I had to pay for their drinks/snacks”
Were you expected to pay for their date? If so then I’m leaning towards NTA.
NAH. She’s young, so perfectly reasonable to stick around. You are her big brother and she’ll appreciate this one day.
On the other hand I remember being a 14 year old girl so I understand her sentiments as well, lol. Time will heal this one.
YTA. You’re not her parent and if Mom and Dad trust her, you should, too.
Yup. A. What you did is not a big deal. But it’s a big deal to her.
NAH she’s 14 it’s her biological prerogative to be embarrassed by everything you do! and you’re a good older sibling for waiting around. 14 feels grown when you’re 14. 14 is very young to anyone else.
NTA but next time make them pay for themselves and find a more incognito spot to keep an eye on her
Were you expected to pay for their stuff? Were you planning to jump tables and do an interception if they leaned forward to kiss? I remember being 14 and (if I’d been dating back then) I would have been ticked off if my nonexistent older brother hung around to supervise (albeit from across the room). At the same time, as someone who is now considerably older and has bigger problems than privacy on a kiddie date…I say cope, lil sis.
She has looooaaaads of time to have more privacy as dates when she’s older. I am also guessing you live in an area where you pretty much need a car to go places, and public transport isn’t as prevalent. Makes sense to wait around in that case too, instead of driving home. Sounds like you were being polite and out of the way.
Next time, give her a real reason to complain and throw paper airplanes at them.
At least her parents let her date at her age.