I am in my 30’s, I don’t date a lot. I currently have a girlfriend that I have been seeing for several months, and we are in the “meet the parents” stage. She will be meeting my mother for the first time next week. This is also the first time I am bringing anyone to my mother.
My girlfriend likes cute Halloween stuff, a lot, and I told this to my mother. My mother told me that she bought her a Halloween blanket, fuzzy socks, earrings, with witches hat; and plans to give it to her when they meet for the first time. I told her that this is a fun and kind gesture, but I think it’s weird for my mother to buy my girlfriend gifts before they even met. I told her not to do it and return them. AITA here?
I would not say anything if it would be my girlfriend’s b-day soon, or they met X-times before. I think it’s weird for a “meet a parent” day.
One more detail: My GF is a nervous about meeting my mother, as she has never met anyone’s mother before. I am worried she will be overwhelmed a bit by this meeting & gifts on top.
Another detail: My GF is planning on bringing an orchid form my mom, and I think some desert after the dinner that my mom is making.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I am in my 30’s, I don’t date a lot. I currently have a girlfriend that I have been seeing for several months, and we are in the “meet the parents” stage. She will be meeting my mother for the first time next week. This is also the first time I am bringing anyone to my mother.
My girlfriend likes cute Halloween stuff, a lot, and I told this to my mother. My mother told me that she bought her a Halloween blanket, fuzzy socks, earrings, with witches hat; and plans to give it to her when they meet for the first time. I told her that this is a fun and kind gesture, but I think it’s weird for my mother to buy my girlfriend gifts before they even met. I told her not to do it and return them. AITA here?
I would not say anything if it would be my girlfriend’s b-day soon, or they met X-times before. I think it’s weird for a “meet a parent” day.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mother to return gifts she bought for my girlfriend. My mother thinks I am wrong, I do not.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I dunno, I might be inclined to think it was pretty sweet that my boyfriend was talking to his mom about stuff I liked.
I don’t know you guys, but if I were your girlfriend, I’d absolutely adore it.
A couple weeks after I started dating my boyfriend (now husband) his mother gifted me 3 pairs of panties… she went to buy some for herself and thought of me. I still think it is one of the cutest (albeit slightly weird) things anyone has ever done for me.
YTA Your mother is trying to make your girlfriend feel welcome and appreciated, the only weird thing about is your objections
Yta. This is harmless and nice of your mom, and would make your gf happy. Ask your gf what she thinks and if shes comfortable and go from there, your personal sense of embarrassment isnt really relevant here
NAH. I remember meeting the parents of boyfriends and sometimes they’d have little things for me. It’s a nice gesture.
Yta. Its normal to give a gift in this situation as a welcoming gesture. Your girlfriend might also think to bring a gift…
Its socks, not a hierloom diamond ring – why police this?
I’m confused, are you afraid of how your GF will react?
I don’t see the issue here. You told your mom your gf’s interests, and seems like your mother is going out of her way to get her something she know she’ll like to help break the ice.
If you’re that concerned, talk to your gf and let her know. You’re in your 30’s. Have an adult conversation with your gf.
Nothing wrong with giving a small gift.
It is weird. But I also think it’s really cute and sweet and not inappropriate. YTA
This could go either way. The GF will either love it and see it as being welcomed and important or she will think you and your family are weird and too clingy.
I personally think it’s a lovely gesture. I would let mum give it and your GF’s reaction will tell you what you need to know.
YTA. Your mother’s trying to do something nice and you’re shutting her down? Just let her give the gifts.
Jesus she sounds like she’s just trying to be nice she got gifts that’s based on things your girlfriend is into I think it’s a nice thing she’s not doing any harm
Mildly, YTA. Your post reminds me of a teenager going “Mom! you’re embarrassing me!”
Your mom is excited and wants to make a positive but is probably coming on a little too strong, at least from your perspective, but we don’t get to control all social interactions around us. Your mom isn’t doing anything rude, insensitive or hurtful. If this relationship continues long term you aren’t going to be able to micromanage how your mom acts towards your girlfriend.
Ok, hang on.
There are several ways to think about this and it’s not always straightforward.
I get your point, I do! But I would also be very tempted to simply let your mom be herself if there is nothing malicious, hurtful or inappropriate involved. They are genuinely meeting each other for the first time and frankly, this appears to be who your mother is – enthusiastic, welcoming, kind, a bit over prepared, probably a bit flustered. That’s ok! I bet she is a bit of a sweetheart unless she is purchasing to be over bearing.
Some people will get all flustered and clean like the Queen is coming. Others buy gifts, some don’t care at all.
NTA
YTA! your mother is just trying to do a nice gesture and show your gf(who happens to also be the first woman in your life she’s meeting) that she cares about what she likes. Let it be. It will give them something to connect about on the first meeting. It could be much worse. Your mom could be trying to give her an old style witches broom with “fly away” written on it..
YTA but I say that so mildly. It’s less AH and more “overthinking” it. It’s a sweet gesture by your mom and the real test here is how your gf reacts.
YTA your mum is trying to be nice and I would say your girlfriend would love it. Coming from someone who had the most nasty horrible mother in law who didn’t even buy me a gift on my birthday for years (until my husband asked her to) I would have loved something like this.
Gentle YTA, I’d say NAH but it sounds like you maybe crushed your mom’s spirit a little. I think your mom is just excited and trying to make your girlfriend feel welcomed. I would suggest giving your girlfriend a little heads up if you’re concerned, but I don’t find it very weird on your mom’s part. Maybe a little over enthusiastic. I would find that endearing.
YTA your mother is trying to be nice
NAH. Unless your mom is just generally overbearing, it sounds like she’s just super enthusiastic that you’re finally bringing a woman home lol
The key here is to tell your gf ahead of time. Give her a heads up so she knows what to expect. Your mom’s behavior is harmless, just a little socially weird.
YTA your mom was trying to be nice and if someone got me that stuff I’d be happy about it!
YTA, sorry. I don’t find it weird at all.
When my husband introduced me to his mother she knew I was also super into Halloween/Horror and when we arrived I got a little gift basket of things she thought I would like. I thought the gesture was the sweetest thing and showed she was thinking of me and trying to relate to my interests. As long as your mom isn’t spending $100’s of bucks on extravagant items, I see no problem with her gifting your girlfriend a little basket of things your mom thought your girlfriend would enjoy. She’s trying to show your girlfriend that she is welcome, and that she wants to get to know her better. You should EMBRACE your mom trying to be kind and hospitable.
Let her have a gesture with your girl no matter how long you guys been dating. It is super cute.
Soft YTA
I think you mean well but it’s silly to be so concerned about the gifts specifically.
I think your mom’s is just super stoked for you and I bet your girlfriend will love the gifts
Why not? Let your mom be your mom and let her be excited that you’re finally bringing someone home..
And on the other hand help your girlfriend. Choose a gift for your mom so that it’s not weird because she’s going to your mother’s house.
Then theyve bought each other gifts and
Your mom will never forget that your girlfriend thought of her.
And if you help pick it out, you can make sure it’s something that your mom will like and then youre golden.
Otherwise think how you would feel. If you found out somebody bought you a gift. But your girlfriend said no, don’t give it to him.
It’s kind of soul crushing to both the ladies in your life.
Right now YTA but you don’t have to be apologize to your mother and let her give gifts.
Come on she paid enough attention that she remembered what your girlfriend likes
NAH, your mom is sweet and your trying to be thoughtful on your girlfriend’s behalf like mother like son. Maybe leave some hints to get your girlfriend’s thoughts on getting gifts at a first meeting?
Yta
I’m sure the gift would make both of them feel more comfortable
YTA. This type of gesture would make me tear up and feel so welcome!
With this context it sounds like your mom actually listened to you about what she likes and is actively trying to welcome her into the family. YTA.
I don’t think it’s that bad for you to ask your mom to return the gift. But I also think it’s totally okay for your mom to give the gift to your gf. It sounds really sweet to me. And it’s for Halloween so nothing crazy. If it were a crazy expensive gift then I’d ask mom to return it for sure. Otherwise it’s completely fine.
YTA- you want both of them to like each other and be comfortable. Your mother is doing something nice. Stop acting like it’s the first time you bringing someone home and trying to control everything. Let them both be naturally themselves and not put up a front. Because as a Mom I can see right through it. Your girlfriend would love it. RELAX
YTA-Have you considered gift giving may be your mom’s love language? It’s not some extravagant gift, it’s something that says “hey I was out and saw a few things I thought you’d like because my son mentioned you love Halloween.” If anything, this would make a lot of girls feel less pressure. Meeting the mom is nerve wracking..this screams green flags all around.
If you’re so worried about it, give your girlfriend a heads up. Don’t make a big deal about it and just say, “hey I know you’re a bit nervous about meeting my mom, so I just wanted to mention she enjoys buying little gifts as a way to make people feel welcome. She’s really looking forward to meeting you..don’t be surprised if she has a little something for you. You are not expected to do the same.”
NAH
Your mother is making a kind gesture, but you also know your gf are aware how she is feeling and how she may be overwhelmed. Honestly it sounds like too much to me too. If I was given that on first meeting I would instantly be second-guessing if I should have bought something as well, will they see me as rude for not bringing gifts, not giving that many gifts etc…
Your mom means well but it is a bit much. Maybe she can dial it back a little and you can convince your mother to just give one of them items. I also would consider showing up with flowers, wine, something for your mom so your gf won’t feel like she arrived completely empty-handed.
YTA. If you’re worried your girlfriend will be uncomfortable getting gifts with nothing to give back, buy your mom a bunch of flowers for your girlfriend to give her.
I’m also thinking the reason why you’re feeling weird about this gift giving is because deep down you’re not ready to welcome your gf into your family yet. Idk.
I would advise your girlfriend to bring a little hostess gift for your mom like flowers or candy, even if you have to buy it yourself for your girlfriend to give. And if you do buy candy, don’t buy the cheap stuff.
30 and never brought a woman to meet your mum. She probably thinks you and “Bob” are just good friends and she wants to make a good impression.
Personally I wouldn’t buy gifts, but I also don’t understand halloween and maybe that’s acceptable for Americans? I dunno.
Seems a little like you are gatekeeping access to her affection.
Also your mum might want something like the gifts to talk about instead of asking personal questions as she has no previous experience with this.
YTA. Your mom just sounds excited to meet her. I think it’s a sweet gesture.
Unless your mother is the clingy or overbearing type, I’d think she is wanting to make your girlfriend feel welcome. As others have said, your discomfort is not the point, it is more important how your girlfriend feels about this gesture from your mom. Also a heads up to your girlfriend might help her prepare as well.
Saw your update: Sounds like your girlfriend has this covered but a heads about the gifts would be helpful and let you know if mom should scale it back.
umm…nta but also yta? yes it’s a bit forward especially if you’re not serious about the relationship and don’t want to instill hope. But if your mom is excited and wants to buy you gf cute stuff that she’ll like what’s the harm? sure it’s love bombing but it’s also a fun cute surprise and will make things mesh better especially since you’re at the meet the parents stage
The gifts are small items that acknowledge your girlfriend’s enjoyment of Halloween (I also am a Halloween person). They might be a smidge over the top but unless the earrings are more than costume jewelry, I think it’s a very thoughtful gesture of welcome. I mean, your mom didn’t buy her one of those 12 foot skeletons from Home Depot, did she? That would definitely be too much.
I’m probably somewhere around your mom’s age and could see me doing something similar since it meant a lot to me when a college boyfriend’s mom found out from him how much I love Portuguese sweet bread and she went to the effort to bake a loaf to give to me the first time we met. I am very shy and introverted and was terrified to meet his parents. That gesture helped me to feel welcome.
I think that’s such a sweet gesture. Your mom rocks!
Sounds like your mom just git excited I wouldn’t call you an AH, but maybe let her show kindness her way.
YTA. Your mom is being welcoming, and admiring the socks and stuff and thanking her will give your GF something to talk about to break the ice, which will make her feel welcome and be less nervous.
I get that you’re new at this, but “Mom, please don’t be kind and welcoming to my girlfriend” is not a good approach.
Sorry….. but that sounds really sweet.
YTA. Seriously – your mother is doing something lovely – she took the trouble to find something she knew your gf would like. This could set up their relationship for the future – stop being such a drainer.
Yeah you gotta chill. You told your mom your gf’s interests, your mom listened and bought your gf some welcome gifts as a nice gesture. And bringing an orchid and dessert is the polite thing to do when going for dinner as well.
I think because this is everyone’s first time everyone is nervous but honestly chill out a bit.
Think of your mom, her boy is finally bringing a woman home to meet them lol.
I don’t want to say you’re the asshole but you are bringing unnecessary drama to this.
YTA — you’re in your 30s and think it’s weird? Get a grip. Your mom is being nice, your girlfriend is being nice and you’re being weird.
It’s none of your business if your mom wants to do something nice for this girl. Let her and stop worrying about it.
Soft YTA. Listen to your mother. She’s being very sweet. Let her.
YTA. Just let your mom be her welcoming self. Plus no fair saying mom can’t give gifts but your girlfriend can??? Stop being so controlling.
YTA well you are going to be at least. sorry but let your mother do what they do. If I was meeting someone’s mom for the first time, I would love it so much. I lost my mother young, and it’s never lost on me the extra things some women do to make others happy. And after she receives her gift you can say that you mentioned she liked Halloween and that’s why she got it or whatever but don’t worry about it seeming weird. And like someone else said you can tell your date beforehand your mom likes to give presents, haha. I thoroughly hope you all have a great time coming together and them meeting. Don’t let fear or doubt let you be an asshole, let mom gift!
NAH I think you are the one who is most nervous about the meeting, chill, your mom is trying to be nice and welcoming and from my point of view those gifts are cute and fun and not too over the top, it’ll be fine 🙂