I (27F) am a PhD student who works two assistantships plus a part time job, for a total of 45 hours/week. I grew up on the east coast and have a cousin (F27) who grew up on the west coast. We didn’t get to see each other much growing up due to the distance, but the few times we did go out to visit her & her family, she was always inundated with swim meets and friend parties. While my family and I would go do fun stuff in the city, shed always take off for those things instead of joining us, which really disappointed me as a child bc I wanted to spend the little time we had together.
A few years ago, cousin moved across the country for nursing school in the same state my dad and stepmom live (only an 8-hour drive from me but still a few states away). Stepmom always has this habit of picking on me & comparing me to this cousin (stepmoms a narcissist according to my therapist). The one time we were all together for a family holiday, stepmom ridiculed me in front of everyone, and cousin defended her instead of standing up for me. That was the big indicator that cousin and I don’t really have that true of a relationship, even though she always acts excited when we initially see each other.
Four months ago, cousin out of the blue asks me for my email, I give it to her, and then I receive an invite to her wedding (which will be held right by where my dad and stepmom live). I didn’t even know she was engaged, she never texts me nor tries to ever initiate any communication- until now, of course. I initially didn’t respond to the RSVP, but last week cousin followed up to ask me if I’d be coming. Here’s how I replied:
Hi Cousin,
“I hope your day is all you want it to be. My plate is already full between work, dissertating, and mentoring/teaching involvement within my field. I will not be able to attend.”
Best wishes,
OP
Dad texted me yesterday in shock that I wont be coming, despite everyone else going, and even said to next time be more polite when declining an invitation. I asked what he meant, and he said cousin was kind of hurt and put-off by how I responded, especially after she had to reach out to me a second time. I don’t feel I did anything that bad, but does my response really make me an AH?
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I (27F) am a PhD student who works two assistantships plus a part time job, for a total of 45 hours/week. I grew up on the east coast and have a cousin (F27) who grew up on the west coast. We didn’t get to see each other much growing up due to the distance, but the few times we did go out to visit her & her family, she was always inundated with swim meets and friend parties. While my family and I would go do fun stuff in the city, shed always take off for those things instead of joining us.
A few years ago, cousin moved across the country for nursing school in the same state my dad and stepmom live (only an 8-hour drive from me but still a few states away). Stepmom always has this habit of picking on me & comparing me to this cousin (stepmoms a narcissist according to my therapist). The one time we were all together for a family holiday, stepmom ridiculed me in front of everyone, and cousin defended her instead of standing up for me. That was the big indicator that cousin and I don’t really have that true of a relationship, even though she always acts excited when we initially see each other.
Four months ago, cousin out of the blue asks me for my email, I give it to her, and then I receive an invite to her wedding (which will be held right by where my dad and stepmom live). I didn’t even know she was engaged, she never texts me nor tries to ever initiate any communication- until now, of course. I initially didn’t respond to the RSVP, but last week cousin followed up to ask me if I’d be coming. Here’s how I replied:
Hi Cousin,
“I hope your day is all you want it to be. My plate is already full between work, dissertating, and mentoring/teaching involvement within my field. I will not be able to attend.”
Best wishes,
OP
Dad texted me yesterday in shock that I wont be coming, despite everyone else going, and even said to next time be more polite when declining an invitation. I asked what he meant, and he said cousin was kind of hurt and put-off by how I responded, especially after she had to reach out to me a second time. I don’t feel I did anything that bad, but does my response really make me an AH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I initially didnt respond to an invite, and kept my reply very short and simple without any sugarcoating when asked a second time. Some people may say I should have been more polite and punctual in RSVPing.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You should have left off the explanation. Prioritizing work over a family wedding is in poor taste. You should have just said, I’m so sorry but I can’t make it.
YTA-that was a rude way to decline an invite
Well well well.. how the turn tables… NTA
NAH. Yeah, you could have been more tactful in your response, but you were not rude about it. Perhaps she has a different take on the relationship between you, which could explain her alleged response. I say “alleged” because it’s conceivable the people most bothered by you declining are your dad and step-mother.
NTA. You were the polite enough. Even if you were close, anybody would understand having a busy life. You can explain your parents about how full your schedule is (I’d personally exclude the not close part otherwise they’d hang onto it) and establish it clearly that you will not be attending.
I think it’s totally fine that you’re not going, and the response itself was a little bit curt but not actually rude, which is okay.
To make an accurate judgment on the specific question you asked though, I feel like it’s important to know: had the RSVP period lapsed before she reached out to you a second time?
YTA. You don’t actually have to come, but the reason you gave was basically “I don’t want to.” Next time, go for something like “I wish I could be there!”
NTA – I hate when people put such an emphasis on “but it’s family!” You don’t know her and to me you were plenty polite.
NTA lmao.
If your therapist is diagnosing people who are not their patient, you should get a new therapist.
It’s fine if you don’t want to go, but YTA for not responding to the invite in the first place. Also, just lie next time that you already have important plans…
YTA – honestly that was a really rude and patronizing way to decline. And it’s weird that you brought up your cousin having swim meets when you were kids as a reason to decline.
NTA… you were respectful and polite. You did nothing wrong. Its crystal clear to me that your family treats this cousin as the golden family member who can do no wrong and who everyone must rally around no matter what.
Honestly, I’d call dad and speak to him about how you feel. He probably won’t agree off the bat but he needs to know how you feel about his wife and her treatment of you and how she ridiculed you in front of the entire family and you are done dealing with that type of BS. She has no grounds to ridicule you and you will no longer put up with it. Also, you are not close to cousin and your schedule is insane so cannot take the time. Point out nothing you said was impolite and it seems you are being put down by him again because you can’t go. Total BS and until you stand up for yourself, they will always act and treat you like this.
NTA I see nothing wrong with your response. You sent her your best wishes and explained why you could not attend. You don’t have a close relationship with her so she shouldn’t have expected any more in your response. Your dad’s shaming of you is uncalled for. I think she feels rejected. But her feeling hurt about your response is her problem, not caused by you.
NTA. Weddings make people absolutely crazy. Cousin doesn’t care whether you attend or not, she is just counting gifts. Don’t feel bad and don’t apologize, you haven’t done anything wrong. If your Dad is so concerned, he can write her an extra big check.
NTA, your reply sounds quite polite to me.
Was the wedding invitation by email?!?
Perhaps I am old and out of touch, but are people not mailing invites with RSVP cards anymore?
NTA – Im sure your cousin will recover from her hurt from the person she barely ever sees or interacts with. Id send her thoughts and prayers for her recovery.
Just tell her you’ll be sure to catch her next wedfing.
YTA for not just RSVP’ing no when you got the invite and making her follow up. They just need a head count, not your explanation/swim meet revenge.
Your cousin does seem like the asshole in life, but this wasn’t handled great. It doesn’t feel worded the best way with “My plate is already full”.
It could be easily inferred that you see her wedding is a chore or responsibility, which could be true, but is typically not how you want to represent it to the bride herself. Personally, I’d leave it vague, and just say that unfortunately I have a conflict that I can’t move or something.
That being said, I don’t think it makes you an asshole.
You did everything right. If I would have been in that situation, I would have reacted the same way. Espacially because of the situation where she did not defend you. I don‘t see anything wrong with your response to the cousin either and I don’t really understand your dads reaction too.So NTA.
You could have left out your excuse. “I r day is all you want it to be. Sorry I wont be able to attend.” No one cares how busy you are.
NTA, and I’m genuinely unsure why anyone would find your response rude. That’s perfectly tactful. I know most people have no idea how much work dissertating is, but that’s a FULL time job on its own. I didn’t do anything for months around finishing my PhD because of the WILD levels of stress. That’s a perfectly good reason not to go to a wedding. And congrats on the accomplishment!
Email wedding invitation? Hmmm.
Light YTA. When sending regrets, never include a list of things you think are more important than the person you’re responding to. Simply decline and wish them luck or happiness, even if your more important thing is washing your hair
YTA. It did come across as dismissive. A wedding is a big deal and you responded like they just invited you to go to McDonalds.
nta. but I do agree maybe you should have let them know when you got the email, that is probably what bothered her more. why make them wait, to say no?
NTA of course. And the response not even close to rude.
“Cousing is kinda hurt…”
Give me a break. She is a big girl, I am sure she can handle it.
NTA. Maybe you could have added a few congratulations in there and I am so happy for you but this girl was an asshole to you on many occasions and you aren’t close. And she supported your stepmom when she ridiculed you so you don’t owe her anything. You burnt a bridge that didn’t exist. So don’t worry about it. Move on and live your life.
YTA. What the hell does your list of accomplishments have to do with this? Why didnt you just say you can’t come? I have a hard time believing this is even real.
NAH
I guess you were polite when you told your cousin your job was more important than her wedding.
YTA for how you declined. That was in poor taste. The polite way to decline an invite to a wedding is to wish them well, thank them for inviting you and regretfully decline. Not tell them what you are doing instead. This isn’t the same as missing dinner for a swim meet.
Was there no RSVP form/link with the invite? YTA for not rsvp’ing No in the first place, but it’s forgivable in this modern era if she didn’t include a form.
The second sentence of your eventual reply was unnecessary. This is about her event, not you and your excuses.
NTA! Your cousin is just causing drama. Your response was perfectly cordial and to the point. She obviously didn’t like getting a no from you. But that is her problem not yours. I don’t know what she’s expecting as you two haven’t even spoken in a long time, you didn’t know she was engaged, don’t know her fiance.
I would have responded differently. The message you sent came across very cold and indifferent.
I would have said something along the lines of congratulations I am so excited for you and I didnt know you were engaged! Unfortunately I cannot attend (reasons you listed in this post, not what you wrote to her).
Hope you have a great wedding blah blah send pictures.
Also pretty sure the only reason why your dad said something to oy was because your stepmom said something to him.
NTA. There is almost nothing wrong with your response. You led off with a good wish for her wedding day, and refrained from any negativity. I say “almost” because they say the best practice is to not give reasons why you (can’t attend, were late, etc). But on the other hand, you used the word “dissertating”, which is awesome enough for an exception to the best practice.
You received an e-wedding invitation from a cousin who has a long history of making plans that conflict with seeing you?
You have a parent and a step-parent who see you as the problem because you RSVP’d in a way that jives with the whole of your relationship with your cousin?
OP… how to put this delicately? Every one bends the knee to your cousin. Whatever you do that is not following suit is going to be considered wrong.
NTA
You don’t need to set yourself on fire for her, the rest of your family is a bonfire.
YTA for the term dissertating. Really amps up the condescention. Don’t be that PhD student.
YTA for not responding to the initial invitation.
NTA for your reply.
An emailed wedding invite sounds like you were a second or third tier invite anyways.
Y.T.A for not rsvp’ing before she reached out to you. You could have said no way faster and easier.
Give her the same energy she gave you going forward. Live your life and be fake nice around her when necessary.
NTA
YTA. You were sent an invitation and yet the bride had to reach out to for a response because you couldn’t be bothered to RSVP. Simple manners are to respond so they can get a headcount.
No one cares how busy you are. A simple “I am unable to attend but I wish you joy on your upcoming nuptials” would have been sufficient. You sound like you’re trying to one-up her that you’re so busy with your life and have no time for her. You said yourself that you’re not that close. Maybe she doesn’t know about your schedule. Have you ever talked to her about what’s going on in your life (like you point out, she hasn’t told you about hers)?? Conversation is a two-way street.
Swim meets when you were both kids have nothing to do with your question about your response (or lack thereof) to her invitation. Saying you weren’t close as children/teens is sufficient without laying all the blame in her. Did you ever ask to see her compete at one of her meets to cheer her on? Or show any interest in her activities when she was visiting you?
Finally, I think it’s very disturbing that your therapist has made a diagnosis of another person who is not a patient of theirs. The fact that you even bring this up in your post bothers me as well. What does your stepmother have to do with the way you declined a wedding invitation? I feel like you had to throw in the bit about her being a narcissist (you and your therapist diagnosis) just to rationalize your response to your cousin. It doesn’t have anything to do with the way you responded to your cousin.
Overall, I think you should have responded promptly to the invitation, even if it was a declination. You should wish the couple joy and send a card or perhsps a small gift to help them celebrate their new marriage. All the other extra information in your post is irrelevant.
ESH
If you had sent back the RSVP saying no when you initially received it, you could have avoided this entire situation.
Clearly your cousin, stepmom, and dad are assholes for the way they’ve treated you in the past, but this particular situation could have been easily avoided.
Was there a deadline to RSVP by? Did you miss that deadline? If the answer is no to either questions, NTA. Taking a week to decide is not unusual.
I don’t think anything you said was particularly rude, but it might have come across as cold and impersonal.
YTA for not responding to the initial invitation and requiring her to reach out. YTA in a minor way for making the reply about you … a simple “I am disappointed not to be able to attend, but wish you the best” would have been better.
YTA for not responding to the original invite and making the bride text you. I’m assuming you missed the RSVP deadline which was clearly on the invite. Perhaps you’re not aware but you must always respond to a wedding invite, even if it’s just to decline.
YTA for your response. Just say, no, I can’t make it, and leave it at that. Also, you need a new therapist, because no therapist should be telling you how to think about other people in your life, they should be guiding you on how you can make those determinations for yourself.
Partial YTA, you should have RSVP’d the first time with the reasons you stated. You also could have sugar coated it just a little bit, maybe saying how much you’d love to attend but just can’t.
NTA. You were curt in your response, but you’re also not close enough that she wanted you there enough to ask if there even was an easier time for you. And before people jump on me for saying that, I’ve had friends/family who worked with close loved ones so they’d be able to attend even as a regular guest. This is just growing up.
Your degree is your future. You’re not coming off as arrogant, just factual. You didn’t give a vague “Oh, school” excuse you gave a detailed reason. And the fact she went crying to your dad (which I’m willing to bet is actually, she went crying to your stepmom) instead of trying to work it out with you says enough to me. You’re expected to be there, not wanted.
Do your work. She has her future, you have yours. A happy life comes by protecting your peace. Your degree, while stressful, is ultimately (hopefully) going to bring you peace. I’ll put it to you this way. What you weighed is your literal future/career against someone who is essentially a stranger.
YTA for not responding to the RSVP in the first place.
Yes, YTA for how you declined your cousin’s invite. Declining the invite does not make you a jerk, but all the extra info you put in your decline REEKS of bitterness and condescension. Seems like you really really wanted to get the last jab in because…..she had swim meets when you were children?
NTA for declining, but definitely an AH for how you did it. Besides delaying, your actual response was just… bad. It just comes off as intentionally cold to me. Maybe it would have been disingenuous, but you could have phrased it more like “Congrats on your upcoming big day! I hope you have a lovely ceremony. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend due to prior commitments, but I wish you and your husband the best.”
I get that you two aren’t close, but that’s not a reason to be so cold.
NTA. But next time just RSVP no without explanation.
NTA
NTA, but should have rsvp’d no so she can strike you from the invite list. Your response can also be taken as showing jealousy. I agree with people who said just say “congratulations, sorry I can’t make it, enjoy your big day” type of reply.
YTA
As someone currently in this situation just decline “No” within the time frame given. You’re behaving so passive aggressive and trying to do a tit for tat for all the past grievances you have for her and it feels like the way you’re justifying your behaviour is “we’re not close and she’s made that clear”. There’s no expectation to like her or is it mandatory to go to her wedding. All you needed to do was hit “decline” and move on, even for the sake of yourself did you really want any interaction with her? Because making your stance known early would have avoided her having to reach out a second time.
I’ve invited 280 people to my wedding. 180 have rsvp’d. I don’t care if the other 100 don’t want to come. Just decline so I’m not in limbo wondering if they accidentally missed the rsvp. And now I’m in a position where I have to personally reach out to each one of these people to confirm their attendance.
Once again I wish there was a justified asshole judgement. YTA but it’s a light YTA. You should have immediately RSVP’d no, that would have saved you this whole headache. Then there’s the explanation for why you aren’t going, it was not necessary or asked for. If you had initially RSVP’d no and then the cousin asked why then maybe I could understand the explanation but ultimately it was pretty curt and unnecessary.
You’re justified in not going though. You two don’t have a relationship and you shouldn’t feel obligated to fork over money and a full day of yours to placate this person who likely only invited you to “keep the peace” in the family.
It simply depends on upon what relationship you want with her in the future. Yes, in her world all revolves around her. She does, goes to, speaks about and even only cares about how she feels and what all things do for her in her little bubble (believe that is called her head).
Things may change anyways once you surpass her educationally and maybe monetarily (although a nurse with some experience and a MSN can easily make $150,00+).
However……. She will be close to you and your family (your parents are going to be closer with her as well) and with work, husband, a family and grown ups responsibility she may mature and the two of you could then be closer too.
I know you are hurt from years of being put off and certainly not included or prioritized but it is probably for the best that you attend. If your parents can both keep your feelings private, I would also explain to them how and why you feel the way you do and your concern of how they may be bonding with her in the future and not see what you have all these years. You want the whole family to be developing a closer relationship.
That’s more than just a little high-falutin’.
YTA
YTA. You should have declined promptly. The full plate stuff is unnecessary. Invitations are not summons. Recipients are welcome but not required. If you can’t or don’t want to attend, just let the host know so they can plan with accurate numbers and move on. It’s highly unlikely that they care whether you are dissertating or watching tv. Your regrets are one less meal needed or perhaps one more guest that can bring a plus one. For all you know, cousin may have been pressured to invite you in the 1st place and been more annoyed than hurt
Family weddings are nice. You should go.
I’m so sorry your feelings are hurt in so many ways.
Focus on the people that are nice to you. The rest are acquaintances – which is OK.
Congratulations on your PhD! Why don’t you go to the wedding and brag about yourself? “Oh I’m almost done my PhD! I will be Dr. Smith! I’m so happy!“ Seriously. I bet lots of your family would love to congratulate you.
“Dear Bride, I really am so happy for you. If there is room, I would love to change my mind, and come to your wedding. I am a bit overwhelmed these days, but I would truly regret missing your wedding. Thank you so much, Love, Your Cousin”
Go for your own peace and happiness.
NTA in my opinion. Someone like that is lucky to get such a polite refusal. Don’t let it bother you anymore, you’re fine.
NTA
that was a perfectly fine for an afterthought email invite. If they wanted a normal RSVP they should have sent a real one in the mail.
YTA. You obviously don’t have to go the wedding if you really don’t want to but you should have responded to the RVSP in a timely manner.
And your response when you did send it was curt and dismissive. You didn’t need to rub your accomplishments in her face and prioritising work over family is never a good look unless you come from an abusive environment.
Next time respond quicker and be nice about it.
NTA.
YTA.
You should’ve RSVP’d no after you got the invite the first time.
Instead you write a pretentious email to her after she asks for your RSVP.
You sound like an AH.
YTA. Not for turning down the invitation but for making it sound like this was your revenge for childhood years where she had…swim meets (which she didn’t choose to schedule) and you don’t like your stepmother. YTA for not responding and YTA for framing it as an obligation and then listing the other obligations that outweighed it—none of which add up to more than a full time job and none of which in this account are on a specific date/time. None of that means you need to go—but a timely, polite response where you just wish them well and don’t so clearly indicate that you don’t GAF is basic etiquette. Nothing you have said here warrants a departure from that.
YTA. Your response was “I’m “busy” because I don’t want to go. Have the day you deserve.” No congrats. It was only just barely civil, meaning you weren’t outright insulting, but it clearly communicated you don’t like your cousin. Which, sure, you don’t have to like your cousin anymore. But you don’t say that in a response to a wedding invite unless you’re aiming to hurt their feelings.
It would have been quite easy to respond better. Like instead of listing all the stuff you happen to be doing (45 hours a week is exactly ((at least)) the amount of time EVERYONE works, after all) you could have tried to be polite about it. As in, “Hey oh my gosh congratulations on the wedding! I am so SO sorry I can’t make it on that date but I look forward to the next time we’ll be able to see each other and hope you have the most magical day!” Or just your version of being nice since she’s not an outright enemy and she invited you to an important personal event.