My girlfriend and I live together and we split the rent and bills 50/50. We both work full time as trainees in different fields and are both qualifying within the next three months.
This means a large pay rise for both of us. We have plans for the future that the pay rise will help us achieve within the next 2-3 years.
My gf suffers from depression and has had time off work a few times due to this. She has been talking about reducing her hours and asking to possibly go part time.
She mentioned if she did that then she would be on less money that she is currently on so instead of a £350 a month after tax pay rise, she’ll end up with a £100 a month pay cut.
I pointed out the impact this would have for our plans but she said it doesn’t matter. She mentioned that I’d have to pay a higher percentage of the rent and bills.
She said it would likely go to me paying at least 75% of the bills. I refused this and told her that her choosing to work less hours doesn’t mean her bills go down. I said if she reduced her hours then she’ll still have her half of the bills to pay.
I pointed out it’s her choice to reduce hours and that her wanting to work less doesn’t mean I have to pay more bills. I mentioned that I’d also like to work less hours but understand bills need paying.
She said I wasn’t being fair since it’s affecting her mental health but I just said again that it doesn’t change the fact we still have bills. She said I should be supporting her but I just repeated what I had already said, that she’d still be responsible for half of the bills.
AITAH for not paying more of the rent and bills?
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My girlfriend and I live together and we split the rent and bills 50/50. We both work full time as trainees in different fields and are both qualifying within the next three months.
This means a large pay rise for both of us. We have plans for the future that the pay rise will help us achieve within the next 2-3 years.
My gf suffers from depression and has had time off work a few times due to this. She has been talking about reducing her hours and asking to possibly go part time.
She mentioned if she did that then she would be on less money that she is currently on so instead of a £350 a month after tax pay rise, she’ll end up with a £100 a month pay cut.
I pointed out the impact this would have for our plans but she said it doesn’t matter. She mentioned that I’d have to pay a higher percentage of the rent and bills.
She said it would likely go to me paying at least 75% of the bills. I refused this and told her that her choosing to work less hours doesn’t mean her bills go down. I said if she reduced her hours then she’ll still have her half of the bills to pay.
I pointed out it’s her choice to reduce hours and that her wanting to work less doesn’t mean I have to pay more bills. I mentioned that I’d also like to work less hours but understand bills need paying.
She said I wasn’t being fair since it’s affecting her mental health but I just said again that it doesn’t change the fact we still have bills. She said I should be supporting her but I just repeated what I had already said, that she’d still be responsible for half of the bills.
AITAH for not paying more of the rent and bills?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Expected the bulls to stay split 50/59 when my partner mentioned wanting to work part time and that I’d have to pay more of the rent and bills.
She said I should be supporting her as it’s for her mental health and she’s struggling.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Wasn’t this post removed?
Info: what else is she doing to manage her mental health? Is she seeing a therapist? Working out, meditating, taking walks? Does she have a plan?
Just cutting your hours isn’t a magical cure-all. Usually that leads to more depression…and less money. Unless you have a plan.
Edit: just expecting you to cover more costs is ah behavior. Hopefully there’s more going on here. You don’t just unilaterally decide something like that when it’s going to significantly affect you both.
If you were roommates man this would be an easy NTA. But that’s your girlfriend. If you can’t do that for her during this time, you shouldn’t be together.
NTA. What will you do if she stops paying her half of the bills? It sounds like this will be a long term issue in your relationship. Is your girlfriend in treatment? Can you afford to cover all or 75 percent of bills? Do you want children? Are you compatible?
INFO
Didn’t you post this earlier this morning and then delete both the post and your account?
So, I’d be sympathetic to you if this was a matter of her just wanting to work part time because it’s nicer. Then yeah, sure, that’s cool as long as she pays her share of the bills.
But you are telling us that she literally cannot work full time (and has to take time off to manage), and despite this, you want her to just suck it up and pay her damn money so it doesn’t inconvenience you in any way.
YTA.
NAH. This is a conversation. You do not care if her mental health affects her income. You want 50/50 no matter what, you are entitled to that want. She is entitled to not agree with that want.
Does she have a history of this? Is she clinically diagnosed? If yes to both or at least clinical diagnosis, then you may be partially the AH. She should still be paying everything she can, why wouldn’t she? If she can currently afford half now but still lose 100 a month, why can’t she still cover half? 100 breaks her? If that’s the case then she can pay all she can and as a man and her fiance you can cover the rest while working with her to get her back on her feet. How long have you been together? If you didn’t know about this condition before that is unfair to you, she should have disclosed it. Do you love her though? If yes then you’ll do all you can to support her, but she can equally pay everything she can because she loves you too. Just my opinion.
Edit: I’d also add on the love situation, if you’re getting married then that’s in sickness and in health, poorness, etc. Just saying.
Gosh, this is a toss up. Equitable contribution would mean that if you make 60% of the income, she makes 40%, that would be the split. 70%/30%? Same-same.
Her lower pay would be a choice, But that’s her prerogative; she gets to make that decision. Your prerogative is to accept it and let it go, put your foot down and insist on a higher contribution, or break it off. What you two must avoid is the exercise of priorities that would breed resentment whatever they may be.
Anybody can move on for any reason and even for no reasons at all. Neither of you want to be in a relationship with built-in resentment and that can happen if a choice is only accepted by one of you. So figure out a common ground or move on.
YTA-she’s had to take days off for her mental health so she wants to reduce the hours to not take unplanned time off for her mental health being her partner. You should want her to be mentally stable. But your replies, it seems you don’t care and this is a transactional relationship where you just want her to pay half the bills.
Negotiating over how much a partner contributes to a relationship is universal. The two of you disagree at the moment but you didn’t write anything that strikes me as “assholish”. At the end of the day, if you can’t reach an agreement you BOTH are happy with you need to break up and move on. NAH.
You sound like you have goals in mind. What your girlfriend has in mind is a free ride, with you paying her way. You need to Back away from this relationship. It will not get you what you want.
Honestly not enough info for us to judge. Metal health is health. If she got into an accident and injured herself would you expect her to still pay 50% if she couldn’t work? What if she could technically work but it would lead to further harm in the future?
Partners are supposed to support each other. Through good times AND bad. On the other hand unilaterally deciding you need to pay 75% is kinda AH behavior. This should have been a conversation of what you are comfortable contributing. And for how long. She should have some idea of steps she can take to get back into the work force
ESH for now.
YTA. You’re a real charmer.
NTA: If you get married, THEN we can start talking about combining income and the two of you together are then responsible for paying 100% of the bills regardless how much each of you make. But so long as y’all are only “roommates”, one roommate doesn’t get to dictate financial responsibilities to another.
I’m of the opinion that 50/50 expense split is for roommates. Proportional to income is for romantic partners, especially those who are planning their futures together.
Is she talking about a short term move to part-time? Or is this her plan moving forward, working only part-time?
If this is a short term solution, her needing to cut back on hours to tend to her mental well-being is actually a good thing. She recognizes the impact it is having on her overall well-being and wants to tend to that. She should be able to count on a supportive partner to see her through a rough patch. If that means you have to contribute a bit more for the next couple months, then as a partner who loves their girlfriend, you do it. You would be TA for not encouraging her to put her mental health first.
If her plan is to be part time, with no long-term goal to go back to full-time, then your NTA. This also brings up whether or not she’s doing anything to address her issues. Is she seeing a therapist? On medication? Is she doing things to improve? Or is her solution to her mental health crisis simply going part-time and wanting you to take care of her?
NAH. 50/50 split is a reasonable expectation. On the other hand, her suggestion of a split proportional to income is also reasonable. I love my partner more than I love money and would happily pay the bigger share, but that’s me.
Not married, NTA
NTA.. to me this is a major red flag and a major relationship issue that could lead to a break.
She wants to make her life easier while increasing your stress and she doesn’t care how that affects you and she thinks she can demand you cover her side. Is she going to get intensive therapy to the point she can’t work? is she going to take a new medication that will help her? Does she have any plans other than that she doesn’t want to work as much anymore?
OP… this is not a healthy dynamic. Ask her what she would do if you broke up with her. Point out that you’d be better off on your own because its incredible for her to expect you to make up the difference while she has no plan to fix/remedy her issues other than I just don’t want to work anymore. My strong advice is to take a step back and think long and hard about whether you want to go down that road. It may never improve and she may immediately think she can do whatever she wants at that point. Her response to your legitimate concerns are very telling to me.
Reduce it to proportional to your income for X months to give her that mental break BUT tell her that after that u expect her to pay 50% of bills or you will be have to rethink ur relationship
NTA.
Tell her you’ll do proportional but you also want to cut back your hours to 0, leaving her to pay everything.
I’m sure she will be happy to cover for you!
NTA. You are not married. Period. Sorry she has mental health issues and I hope she gets better but either way living with you or on her own she still has to manage being an adult. Being an adult means even if you don’t feel like it you still work full time and you still pay bills. Once you’re married then you split per income.
NTA. She doesn’t get to make decisions for you.
INFO: Has she been clinically diagnosed with depression, and is she pursuing medical treatment?
NTA….you are not married. You are finding out if this is the person you want to marry. Your goals and ideas of a relationship do not match. You have to figure out if this is a deal breaker. She is clearly telling you she plans on not working and expecting you to support her. Only you know if that is a life you want to live.
I’m going to assume everyone in the story is telling the truth, and there are no hidden motivations.
NAH
She’s asking for help and financial support from her romantic partner, which disrupts plans they made as a couple. She feels her MH needs to come first right now.
That romantic partner (OP) does not see this as how relationships work. He is not willing to commit to an open ended role of increased financial support.
These people are incompatible. Neither is really out of line with their expectations, but they do not agree.
NTA – You are not her caretaker, and it is so easy to slide into that role because you do CARE for a person. I have see friends whos partners took time off work for mental health, still taking off time for mental health 4 years later. Unless there is a plan to deal with those issues in place then its not a workable solution.
ESH
There are ways to let her know how you feel that are more tactful
And she should be considerate of the potential stress she is adding to your mental health.
If it’s possible she could do more home duties to make up for the difference in cost.
Cost should be split proportionally anyway.
NTA and I’m gonna save you a lot of headache – if you accept this she will not improve mentally, and she will contribute less. Her depression is not rooted in her work hours and reducing them will generally hurt more than help. My mom has MDD (major depressive disorder) and works part time. I stopped charging her rent and asked her to save for a place. She stopped working entirely and saved no money. She still has MDD. The only thing that changed was I had less money and more stress.
She needs therapy/meds and encouragement to reframe her perspective,
Why is this being re-posted everywhere?
While you’re NTA, your stance will almost certainly have an impact on the future of your relationship.
If she is truly suffering and you’re not willing to compromise at all (maybe instead of her proposed 75/25, you come back with 60/40) then you’re indicating your priority is finances and not her health or well being.
What would you expect to happen if you had to take a pay cut to deal with physical health issues?
You’re not technically the asshole, but you’re sending a clear signal here.
NTA She should move back in with her parents. It would be one thing if you wanted a stay at home girlfriend, but I think it’s pretty wild that she just expects you to support her like this. If her depression is so severe that she can’t hold a job, she really needs to seek treatment.
ESH.
You are pretty insensitive to your gf’s struggles.
She, on the other hand, should not just announce you that you will be paying more.
This should be discussed between the two of you. Both of you should be willing to support each other in times of need but no one should assume this automatically.
Info: If you were married to this woman, would you still expect a 50/50 split even if one of you made significantly more than the other?
NAH. It really depends on how you see this relationship and if you guys have shared values. What you are asking for is essentially a roommate and not a future life partner. A roommate would pay 50/50 no matter what, and it doesn’t really matter how much they make because their share is always half.
In a relationship, couples often support each other. If one loses their job, the other one picks up the slack. Together, they pick the apartment by amenities and location. Chances are, you would not be living where you are if you are not with your girlfriend. You may have wanted to live closer to work or were willing to live in a smaller place or wanted something more luxurious.
Your girlfriend isn’t wrong for having the mindset of this is my relationship where we mutually support each other, and I am having a really hard time right now. And you aren’t wrong for thinking she is my roommate and her share is her share. I think you guys have to talk about the relationship, but neither of you are inherently AHs. You might see this as more a casual relationship of convenience like friends with benefits and she wants a partnership wherein you support her when she is down, and she will also support you if you decide to open a business one day.
NTA, but you should really learn more about depression based on your comments. It’s not as cut and dry as a lot of illnesses. It doesn’t just get better easily or quickly and can be debilitating. If it’s so bad that she’s taken off work for it then it’s obviously pretty bad. Depression is not like a cold, it’s more like diabetes for many people. It’s chronic, can take you out for a while, and can be super difficult to manage and improve. So, no. It’s not similar to how you didn’t go part time when you had to call out for your illness because everyone is different.
You’re mainly nta because she refuses to get more help for it though. If she wants to go part time then she should be spending some of the extra time getting some type of treatment. Instead of doing monetary work, she should at least be doing some psychological work with professionals.
ETA: corrections
50/50 unless married. NTA
THIS POST IS A REPEAT., by anither poster.
Why??
NTA because you aren’t married. You never promised to care for her in sickness and in health. In a marriage, a lifelong commitment, there will be times when one partner needs to carry the other. When my husband had surgery and couldn’t work or drive or shower himself or do literally anything, I carried us. If I become incapacitated at some time in the future, my husband will carry me. This is why we date: to find the person we are willing to care for in sickness and in health. She is telling you she needs your help. If you can look at her and say “I won’t help you” then that is not your person.
Y’all just have different goals. Financial incompatibility is a major one.
NTA
YTA and I will be downvoted to hell but so be it.
Yes you are not married (and guess what people? some people not everyone want to be married, and it is fine, it does not mean their relationship has no value) but you seem to be in a committed relationship and trying to build a life with her.
You said it yourself, she is depressed and already took some leave as a result. It sounds quite serious. The pay raise will allow her to go part time while focussing on herself so she can finally get better. She is not doing it because she is lazy, she is doing it because she wants to get better but need to be able to focus on her recovery. Yes, you are free to refuse to subsidise temporarily her life, but in my book it means you care more about the money your partner bring than their well being. Do you even love her or is she no different than a roommate?
Have you even considered agreeying to it while asking her to spend more time on taking care of the house?
Not married so you do not have any responsibility to cover her bills because she finds adulting to be difficult. That is the problem not her depression. Adulting is hard.
NTA
Tell her you’re going to work part time too, so y9u’ll be back to 50/50
Depends on how large of a pay raise you are getting, imo. If you are going to bring home significantly more than her I’d say a 50/50 split doesn’t make much sense and you should pay a bit more but if it’s a couple hundred a month then that doesn’t merit a 75/25 split.
NTA but… Sit down with your girlfriend and discuss her mental health needs and your financial concerns calmly. Acknowledge her depression explicitly—say you understand it’s serious and want to support her, but also explain how a 75/25 split impacts your plans.
Ask what she needs to manage her mental health and how you can work together to balance that with your shared goals.
Also clarify your goals and her goals so there is no misunderstanding. Communication is the only tool that saves or destroys a relationship by being used abundantly or rarely. No need to feel bad but also no need to be an… well you know. Good luck🤞
Someone needs to switch the genders on this in a year and let’s see how people comment.
Has no one considered a compromise—- is there no way you might be able to reduce your combined cost of living? That way you could keep the 50/50 split but both pay less?