Two weeks ago I (23F) had major reconstructive breast surgery. Prior to the surgery I asked my partner (24F) if she could take care of me. She agreed, and I asked multiple times to make sure it was ok, each time she said yes. Prior to my surgery I cooked multiple frozen meals and did a lot of grocery shopping, washed all of my sheets etc and cleaned the house so everything would be prepared.
When I had my surgery she came to take care of me and for the most part did a decent job. There were just a few things that made me frustrated. The first was that she would procrastinate making meals a lot, even though I had them premade they just had to be assembled. Another was she would let all of the dishes pile up and not unload the drying rack, to the point where I was washing dishes and putting things away only 3 days after surgery, and also going to the store for things we needed. I also was making my own meals at times, which was extremely exhausting for me, and I often would be completely taken out after. The last thing that sent me over the edge was she asked me to come with her to do laundry at the laundromat(it’s right below our apartment) because she didn’t want to go alone.
Fast forward two weeks. My partner stubbed her toe, and I’ll admit it is pretty bad. It’s not broken but it’s bruised. She is limping and can’t walk anywhere and is saying she thinks she won’t be able to walk for a week or two. I have been taking care of her because of this. I have been making meals, doing dishes and laundry etc at her place with no questions asked. I started to get upset because I was thinking about how she hadn’t taken the same care to me even after something way more intense. It just makes me worry for the future if I can rely on her to take care of me the same way I take care of her.
Now this is where I can’t tell if ITA. When I brought up how I was feeling, she said she understands but she has an autoimmune disorder that makes her fatigued and have a lot of joint pain and she was not feeling able to do a lot of things. As someone who also has a chronic disease with similar symptoms (joint pain, fatigue, fainting) I understand, but personally I have been dealing with these things my whole life, so I kindof just push through it, especially when someone else needs it. Her disease has started affecting her only within the past year so maybe it is harder for her to cope with. But AITA for still feeling like she could have taken better care of me? And maybe feeling upset that I did a better job when she stubbed her toe?
TLDR; AITA for wanting my gf to have taken better care of me after surgery even though she was experiencing some pain?
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Two weeks ago I (23F) had major reconstructive breast surgery. Prior to the surgery I asked my partner (24F) if she could take care of me. She agreed, and I asked multiple times to make sure it was ok, each time she said yes. Prior to my surgery I cooked multiple frozen meals and did a lot of grocery shopping, washed all of my sheets etc and cleaned the house so everything would be prepared.
When I had my surgery she came to take care of me and for the most part did a decent job. There were just a few things that made me frustrated. The first was that she would procrastinate making meals a lot, even though I had them premade they just had to be assembled. Another was she would let all of the dishes pile up and not unload the drying rack, to the point where I was washing dishes and putting things away only 3 days after surgery, and also going to the store for things we needed. I also was making my own meals at times, which was extremely exhausting for me, and I often would be completely taken out after. The last thing that sent me over the edge was she asked me to come with her to do laundry at the laundromat(it’s right below our apartment) because she didn’t want to go alone.
Fast forward two weeks. My partner stubbed her toe, and I’ll admit it is pretty bad. It’s not broken but it’s bruised. She is limping and can’t walk anywhere and is saying she thinks she won’t be able to walk for a week or two. I have been taking care of her because of this. I have been making meals, doing dishes and laundry etc at her place with no questions asked. I started to get upset because I was thinking about how she hadn’t taken the same care to me even after something way more intense. It just makes me worry for the future if I can rely on her to take care of me the same way I take care of her.
Now this is where I can’t tell if ITA. When I brought up how I was feeling, she said she understands but she has an autoimmune disorder that makes her fatigued and have a lot of joint pain and she was not feeling able to do a lot of things. As someone who also has a chronic disease with similar symptoms (joint pain, fatigue, fainting) I understand, but personally I have been dealing with these things my whole life, so I kindof just push through it, especially when someone else needs it. Her disease has started affecting her only within the past year so maybe it is harder for her to cope with. But AITA for still feeling like she could have taken better care of me? And maybe feeling upset that I did a better job when she stubbed her toe?
TLDR; AITA for wanting my gf to have taken better care of me after surgery even though she was experiencing some pain?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my partner that I thought she could’ve taken better care of me and she said it wasn’t her fault
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It sounds like you two have different ideas of what “taking care of” specifically entails, and clearer communication about expectations are in order. Tentatively NAH
NTA
It is really unacceptable that she even allowed you to help with chores 3 days after your surgery. I don’t think she’s the worst person ever especially considering her autoimmune disease but you definitely should have been better taken care of. She had these symptoms before you had the surgery and it was irresponsible of her to not look for help if she was aware of her limitations. You’re not an asshole OP.
I think you either need to trust that she did the best she could, or break up. Sounds like extreme Reddit advice, I know, but trying to litigate your chronic pain vs hers is just nonsense. You’ve communicated your feelings and gotten her response. If you can’t trust that your partner is engaging in good faith, I don’t know what you’re doing at that point.
NTA for wanting her to take better care of you.
Did you bring up these feelings and things while they were happening or just let it build up?
Also;
>Her disease has started affecting her only within the past year so maybe it is harder for her to cope with.
You answered yourself on this one, just because you are able to push through, she is still learning how to manage it.
You two have different standards. It doesn’t seem to bother her to leave dishes in the drying rack, but it bothers you. She procrastinates in fixing meals, maybe because of her autoimmune disorder. It sounds like you go the extra mile, even when you’re in pain. What makes her the AH is that she let you take care of her so soon after your surgery and even asked you to accompany her to the laundry. Since she has a physical problem, she should be more understanding when you’re in pain.
NTA
NAH – two people can have the same disease, one have worse symptoms. So I hate the but I have something similar too! Great but when my autoimmune is flaring there’s times I do less. They often flare. Even 10 people with the same disease can have different levels of symptoms. Some can push through, many like me, my body shuts down.
Each of you had different expectations. Neither is really wrong.
NTA, but I think the primary conflict here is one that cannot be settled through adaptation.
I’ve had a fair number of conflicts like this between relationships with family and with significant others, and I’ve learned that you cannot teach someone how to care better. That sounds weird, but I mean it in a very physical and literal sense. People are raised to an expectation of care, and you can’t create that care in their head and make it manifest. It’s not Inception.
It is fairly likely that you will continue to see this disparity in how you care for her versus how she cares for you. My question about that is – are there ways in which you differ but she carries her weight more than you do? For instance, are you less into planning vacations and she does all the legwork? Or does she handle all the driving?
The conflict I’m seeing here is about love languages and how we show we care as well as basic expectations of care between two people. Those are separate but important. If her level of care simply is not adequate, you should move on and find someone who is. If her care is more obvious in other ways, it might be worth learning to accept differences and start setting some expectations more clearly. It sounds like your girlfriend might be a little feral – I mean that in the kindest way as a recovering feral child, mind you – and might not know how to color inside the lines so to speak.
She showed you who she is, pay attention
INFO: Did you both discuss and agree to expectations beforehand? If yes, what were they and how did that conversation go? Did you let her know those things were bothering you, which would give her a chance to do them / explain, or did you keep that opinion to yourself while you did dishes, etc?
It sounds like you two had different expectations and there are NAH – just two people who have different expectations. Communication is key.
NAH – the dishes can sit and everyone will still be okay. I think k picking her for that when she has an autoimmune illness isn’t the way to go
Some people are not natural caregivers even if they thing they are. It’s nice to have in a relationship so maybe you’re just not compatible
NTA keep note of this and see if this is a pattern
She could have talked to you about her discomfort at the time (OR BEFORE When you asked if she would definitely be able to take care of you) and now all she has is a bruised toe and you’re doing so much more for her- this is absolutely unequal. My partner literally went on a hike with me after breaking their toe when we were first dating because they thought I was really excited about the hike and didn’t want to disappoint me. Definitely broken toes hurt, but hers isn’t even broken and even if it was, it’s nothing at all like reconstructive surgery. You guys are not equal here.
YTA to yourself. Girl, respectfully, what the fuck.
She refused to do right by you after major surgery but you’re doing all the cooking because SHE STUBBED HER TOE?! What??
Is your definition of not taking care of you was letting dirty dishes sit or clean dishes in the drying rack? Because that if that is your example then YTA.
You didnt have to take care of the dishes, you chose to.
Also, just because you can push through your medical issues doesn’t mean everyone else can either.
As someone with not an autoimmune disorder but multiple disorders that have similar issues, you’re not doing yourself any favours by comparing your pain.
There are times when I’m flaring that I can’t “push through” and there are times when I can. My friend has one of the same disorders as I do and we have completely different symptoms and different energy levels. I’ve been sick for at least two decades with one of these issues (not diagnosed until a decade ago) and my symptoms across those decades has also changed, and my ability to push through or not push through has depended on the exact day. So just because you can push through today doesn’t mean you’ll always be able to, just like maybe she isn’t able to. All you do when you compare your pain and your ability to push through to others is grow resentment.
I’m not going to comment on your frustration after surgery, or whether either of you are the asshole or not. That’s for you to figure out. I’m also not saying you have to be ok with your gf not being able to push through like you are. But you do have to recognize that your ability to do so has no relation to whether or not she can, or the pain she is feeling.
I have straight up dropped a Kitchenaid stand mixer on my foot, gone to urgent care, get told I need stitches but can’t get them because the cut is on my joint, then went on to cook a full roast dinner a few hours later. Standing.
She can’t walk for two weeks because of a stubbed toe? BS. Not a single medical professional told her that.
NOR
NAH
I have chronic pain and I’ve been dealing with it for a long time. Sometimes I can push through and sometimes i can’t.
One thing I never do is compare myself to other people and their pain. That’s the biggest thing you did wrong. Everyone comes differently and everyone has a different tolerance. That doesn’t make yours worse or hers worse. Someone who has been dealing with pain for a long time tends to have a higher tolerance than someone who is new to it all.
If you feel like she isn’t caring or supportive enough, you need to make decisions on what you expect and whether you are a match. Maybe your expectations are too high and she can’t meet them?
You’re not an AH but if you want a relationship where your nurturing is reciprocated, this doesn’t sound like the relationship that will meet that need
Run dude
When I was first diagnosed I wasn’t on any meds. It was just: you have this disease but the meds are probably worse than the symptoms so we will just monitor you. It was only after about two years went in and said that I couldn’t live like that any more that the doc started me on hydroxychloroquine. Strangely enough, it does not have severe side effects so I ponder why I had to suffer for two years.
So the question is, has your partner started any meds for her illness? Is it effective? Is she on the right dosage? I was pretty useless during the first two years after my diagnoses and my husband has to take up the slack. It’s worth a conversation about the level of care she’s receiving.
NAH and I hope you are both recovering.
A stubbed toe.
What are you doing.
Look, me and my best friend both have the same and similar disabilities (auto immune, connective tissue, etc etc, multiple disabilities). When I traveled to visit her, for me it was like I didn’t matter, the homie mattered. I knew she was struggling a lot, we both even complained of pain together lol. But, I had her back, while also being disabled. Although, I also understand my friend has more disabilities than me, but it’s not a contest.
You also did mention her disabilities have been getting to her lately. I’m not a gambler, but I bet that she did do the best she could to help you. You know how these disabilities are, they can really suuuuck!
I honestly think you should do what the other person said. Either believe she did the best she could or break up with her.
Nah.
I have a chronic pain disease. I’ve had it my entire life and I’m used to it. It sucks but it’s what I’ve always known. In my support group, people who have only recently started having symptoms talk about how debilitating it is and how they can’t live their normal life. A couple of them kill themselves over it every year. But they had a normal life to compare to. For me, chronic pain is my normal life and I never had to have an adjustment period. I’ve always felt terrible for those people because it is a painful disease but I don’t feel the same grief they do over it.
The dishes thing? That was all on you. They would have been fine, if you’re like me, as hard as that is to imagine, they would have been fine for a few days.
NTA- you’re just expecting the level of care from a partnership. Unless she’s got some serious pain intolerance I’m not sure how she’s not able to walk if it’s not even broken. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that she’s not in pain, but I’ve completely lost nails before and have still been able to walk. I also have autoimmune/connective tissue disorders Judging by her behavior prior to this incident, I would say it’s a weaponized injury.
ETA- no doctor would tell her to not walk for two weeks for a bruised toe
NTA – you can’t make people act how you would. But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Part of maturing is realizing that just because you recognize that you can’t control someone else or how they react to pain or how they show care, doesn’t mean you have to allow them to treat you and act around you in ways you don’t like. Just because it’s valid, doesn’t mean it HAS to be acceptable.
I think you should’ve told her exactly what you were expecting to get done if you haven’t already or if she seemed unaware of the duties it entailed. All she did was stub/bruise her toe, I’m sure she could’ve done more things for you. Surgery is a lot for a body to handle honestly
My girlfriend had surgery on her foot, needed a couple screws put in to keep the bones together. I broke my toe by smashing it into her crutches in the middle of the night. Hell yeah that was extremely painful, especially since I also had a job to do. With that broken toe I was still walking to the bus, working in childcare, and looking after my apartment/cats/girlfriend daily for a couple months. She could’ve done a bit more for you, even if she was doing it slower than she normally would