Earlier this year, my fiancé was diagnosed with Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. Her insurance has a deductible of $5000, we had to come out of pocket all of that plus hotel rooms, food, gas, etc…. We have driven back and forth to her cancer doctor, who is about 7 hours away multiple times. Not one person offered anything to help financially, but then again we never asked for help. As of now, she has had multiple biopsy’s, mri’s, and finally a double mastectomy. She now has tissue expanders in for future reconstruction surgery and is about to start chemo. All the while still working full time. She works a commission based job so when she can’t work she doesn’t get paid and we have both blown through all of our vacation. Life happens and you have to roll with the punches so that’s how we have handled everything. One day at a time and choosing to remain positive.
A few weeks ago my step mother was also diagnosed with the same kind of cancer as my future wife. She was devastated and so was my dad. Because my fiancé is a few months into her journey we have been a sort of guide for them on the beginning of her own journey.
Now, for the situation at hand….Today I received a message from a new group chat where my step sisters created a fundraiser for their mom (my stepmom) to raise funds for her journey. SOME CONTEXT That whole side of the family has only cared for themselves. Every Christmas, every thanksgiving, every birthday is all about them. In the almost 20 years we have been a family, this is the first time I feel the need to say something. I think because it’s not just me they are dismissing but now my future wife is feeling how I’ve always felt and it doesn’t sit right with me. Would I be the asshole for saying anything about not including my fiancée? Am I right to be pissed?
The last thing we want is a handout but it’s the lack of acknowledgement from the step sisters for what me and my fiancée have been through.
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Earlier this year, my fiancé was diagnosed with Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. Her insurance has a deductible of $5000, we had to come out of pocket all of that plus hotel rooms, food, gas, etc…. We have driven back and forth to her cancer doctor, who is about 7 hours away multiple times. Not one person offered anything to help financially, but then again we never asked for help. As of now, she has had multiple biopsy’s, mri’s, and finally a double mastectomy. She now has tissue expanders in for future reconstruction surgery and is about to start chemo. All the while still working full time. She works a commission based job so when she can’t work she doesn’t get paid and we have both blown through all of our vacation. Life happens and you have to roll with the punches so that’s how we have handled everything. One day at a time and choosing to remain positive.
A few weeks ago my step mother was also diagnosed with the same kind of cancer as my future wife. She was devastated and so was my dad. Because my fiancé is a few months into her journey we have been a sort of guide for them on the beginning of her own journey.
Now, for the situation at hand….Today I received a message from a new group chat where my step sisters created a fundraiser for their mom (my stepmom) to raise funds for her journey. SOME CONTEXT That whole side of the family has only cared for themselves. Every Christmas, every thanksgiving, every birthday is all about them. In the almost 20 years we have been a family, this is the first time I feel the need to say something. I think because it’s not just me they are dismissing but now my future wife is feeling how I’ve always felt and it doesn’t sit right with me. Would I be the asshole for saying anything about not including my fiancée? Am I right to be pissed?
The last thing we want is a handout but it’s the lack of acknowledgement from the step sisters for what me and my fiancée have been through.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Being angry with my step sister for being inconsiderate. 2. Calling her out for being inconsiderate of my fiancé
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
First, exit that group. That alone should send a message that you are not interested in getting involved.
If any of your stepsisters reach out to you about it, time for you to respond back that it’s rich of them to expect support during their mom’s cancer journey when your fiancé was not even asked how she was managing her health during one of the most trying times of her life.
NTA for wanting to be a mile away from your stepmom’s family
NTA for feeling like your fiancée has been excluded. You are entitled to feel rhat way. But if I understand the relationships here, they did this to support their mother. They certainly have a stronger connection to her than to your fiancée.
Just be aware that if you bring it up, you may get asked why you didn’t start a GoFundMe if money was such an issue.
YTA
I’m sorry the people in your life aren’t of more help, and you even say you don’t expect it…but wanna call them out for ignoring/not helping.
Besides, that’s their mother. Not a stepsibling who, from the sounds of it, isn’t close and doesn’t like them or their family in the first place. Calling them out for being concerned would be a gigantic asshole move.
Right now there’s enough going on.
You already said it, life happens and roll with the punches.
Definitely bring it up as kindly as you can after some of the dust settles. Grandma just pointed out she had no help burying my great grandma 19 years ago at the last family gathering.
Definitely don’t let stuff sleep but right now you would be TA
I am sorry for what your fiancee is going through, i really am and wish her nothing but the best.
Having said that, i think you need to take a deep breath and realize you’re talking out of frustration. I can’t blame the frustration, but i am not going to shame a person who created a go fund me for their mother battling cancer and not their step siblings’ fiance. Also, i hate to say it, but it’s not your step families responsibility to help you financially. And for all the holidays and stuff you mentioned, they are allowed to make it about themselves.
NAH. Your fiancée sounds like a badass. I wish her the very best in recovery.
You obviously have some built up feelings about your step family, which I won’t judge, but helping her mom through cancer treatments isn’t the time to begrudge your stepsister.
Tell your own story and help how you can.
NTA
You’ve got every right to be angry at your stepsister for the way she is ignoring your fiance’s struggle and pain. Especially if, other than her, you guys are a close family.
Anyone would be upset in this situation, especially if this is after years of her doing this.
However, it’s not going to do you any good to call her out, is it? Will she change? No. Will it change the awful circumstances? No.
You might get some people on your side. Most likely, you’ll turn just as many against you because, for whatever reason, they want to defend her. Or she spins it that you just want money. Or she tells other lies.
Anyone would be angry, but don’t cause yourself and your fiancé even more issues and stress than you currently have by trying to win an unwinnable fight.
There has to be a better way to show how awful she is (assuming that’s what you’re going for) than to do something with such a big chance of blowing up in your face when you guys already have so much going on.
I’d just say “due to the sad fact we are facing the same journey at the moment, I’m sure you’ll understand we need to try and manage our expenses as best we. We will of course continue to provide non financial support, we are all in this together”. Or something similar. You need to disconnect from the emotion of the last 20 Years
You have 2 different questions to be evaluated on so that’s going to be hard to figure out which to give the vote to.
1. Would I be the asshole for saying anything about not including my fiancée? YTA. People aren’t mind readers. If you need help, ask for it. Welcome to adulthood. It sucks. Having to come up with insurance deductibles is a part of being financially responsible.
2. Am I right to be pissed? Not the asshole. You get to feel however you want.
INFO- Do you feel like your step siblings should’ve known you and your fiancé needed money when you never brought it up? Are your dad and stepmom better off than you and your fiancé? What are you hoping to accomplish by calling out your step sisters now?
I am very sorry for what you’re going through, but YWBTA. You don’t get what you don’t ask for. How could your family possibly know your financial situation if you don’t tell them?
My very gentle loving advice as a person who has been on multiple sides of your journey: let it go. They will respond and react in their own way, and that doesn’t mean anything specific about how they feel about your fiancé. On the contrary, they may come to you apologetic because they hadn’t realized what all you were dealing with. People just don’t know until they have to. And people don’t know how to help or what to say so they mostly stay away.
My other advice is for both of you to get FMLA, which may or may not include pay depending on your state/company.
NAH.
Have you contacted the American Cancer Society? They were amazing with finding free or discounted hotel rooms for a family member going through treatment several hours from home. Typically good hotels with an included breakfast.
Arranging a fund raiser for a mother is quite different to a step siblings fiancé. You could’ve done that if you wished.