Me (23f) and my sister (20f) have lived together all our lives. We were both living with our Mum until she passed away recently. Since then, I have become the head of the household.
I’m the only one working at the moment. The expectation was always that while I was working, my Mum and sister would split the chores evenly – ideally my sister would have been doing more to help while our Mum was sick, but she often didn’t do anything so Mum would do everything for her while I was at work. I was against this, but if Mum didn’t do things they just wouldn’t get done for a long time. (I had my own chores around the house that I did take care of.)
Now that our Mum is no longer with us, I want to be more firm on the household boundaries. I’m thinking of suggesting to my sister 4 options.
- She chooses her chores (half of what needs to be done around the house) and makes sure they get done.
- She pays me extra to cover the labour I’m doing around the house. (This one was suggested to me – Would particularly like to hear from others if its a good option or not)
- If she’s truly unable to do anything around the house, then she can talk to her doctor about getting a support worker.
- She moves out.
I’m not sure if this is being too hostile, though, especially with our Mum’s recent passing. I want to be understanding of her space, and we all suffer from mental health problems, but the thing is – she’s been doing less than the bare minimum the entire time she’s lived here. I know that she struggles to get things done – but our whole family has, and I don’t think its fair for me to have to spend all my free time doing housework while I can hear her chatting with her online friends and playing games all day. At least if she moved out, I wouldn’t have to get frustrated trying to get her to help. However, she does pay her half towards bills and board, so I don’t know how right I’d be to put this ultimatum forward.
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Me (23f) and my sister (20f) have lived together all our lives. We were both living with our Mum until she passed away recently. Since then, I have become the head of the household.
I’m the only one working at the moment. The expectation was always that while I was working, my Mum and sister would split the chores evenly – ideally my sister would have been doing more to help while our Mum was sick, but she often didn’t do anything so Mum would do everything for her while I was at work. I was against this, but if Mum didn’t do things they just wouldn’t get done for a long time. (I had my own chores around the house that I did take care of.)
Now that our Mum is no longer with us, I want to be more firm on the household boundaries. I’m thinking of suggesting to my sister 4 options.
I’m not sure if this is being too hostile, though, especially with our Mum’s recent passing. I want to be understanding of her space, and we all suffer from mental health problems, but the thing is – she’s been doing less than the bare minimum the entire time she’s lived here. I know that she struggles to get things done – but our whole family has, and I don’t think its fair for me to have to spend all my free time doing housework while I can hear her chatting with her online friends and playing games all day. At least if she moved out, I wouldn’t have to get frustrated trying to get her to help. However, she does pay her half towards bills and board, so I don’t know how right I’d be to put this ultimatum forward.
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> I think forcing this ultimatum onto my sister might make me the asshole because it could be overly hostile considering she is contributing all the money she needs to.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Who owns the house?
NTA. All the options you’ve presented are pretty reasonable.
NTA
Your mother’s passing shouldnt fall on your shoulders alone, and you need to let her know that.
NAH
Although:
> Since then, I have become the head of the household.
Says who?
> The expectation was always that while I was working, my Mum and sister would split the chores evenly
Whose expectation was this? And if it was yours, did you communicate it to anyone else? Can’t really get mad at people for failing to do things you never articulated.
> I’m not sure if this is being too hostile, though, especially with our Mum’s recent passing.
Yeah you’re gonna need to specify exactly how long “recently” is, because if you’re dropping eviction ultimatums within the month that someone’s lost their parent then you’re kinda the asshole.
With all that said, assuming your under-specification of the above doesn’t hide any major curveballs, I do not think your set of options are unreasonable (option #1, giving her first dibs on her favourite chores, is charitable, even) and can say No Assholes Here.
If your sister is at home all day, doing some housework is not out of the question.
Does she cook at all? I would sit down and have a discussion about who does what. If she doesn’t agree to doing any, I’d then suggest what does she expects from you? If she expects you to do it all, then you can suggest how much she is going to pay you for doing her share of the chores. She might get a bit of a shock at that as she might expect you to do it for nothing.
If she does, you can always say that if she was in a place by herself, everything would have to be done by her. The rent, cleaning, everything.
Once she thinks about all of that, she might think doing a few chores is a great option after all.
NTA – sounds like your sister has been coasting along on the back of you and your mother for some time, getting away with the bare minimum while prioritising her online activities. I don’t see No. 1 working since it hasn’t worked in the past. No. 2 great if you want to become her paid slave while already working. How does this help her to grow up and take accountability for herself? No. 3 how likely is it she would get a support worker? Is she actually disabled? No. 4 she moves out – has potential but likely to cause a lot of arguments. Who owns the lease? How will you enforce this on your sister? How about No. 5, now that your mother has passed, you move out and start afresh? This would be you taking the initiative for yourself and allowing your sister to grow up. Is that an option you would consider?
INFO
Support worker? Does your sister have a disability? Does she have care needs?
INFO – I am not understanding why you think your sister is unable to contribute equally. It would be better to know why she can’t to properly judge if this is a good idea of not.
INFO: Who owns the house?
What is your sister doing currently, not just housework but generally with her week?
How recent is this?
NTA. If she is used to sliding by without having to do much, you may need to ease her into it, but she needs to contribute to the shared household. Sit down with her and have a chat about how to divide up the load (how much, how often, always the same or rotating). There are tools you can use to help, like Fair Play cards. I would also get her involved in what happens if either of you decide to skip out on your chores. Is there a penalty for the skipper or a reward for the other person that you could implement? That is just as important–for both of you–to be able to exist as more or less equal adults in the house.
I was in a similar situation with my brother and found that he did great with the chores my mom had assigned, but he was terrible about doing anything new. I ended up mostly just picking up the slack (as the older sibling) but got super frustrated a few times and ended up threatening to hire someone to help out and charge extra in his share of the bills (like your option 2; not a good idea). He would usually improve for a while and then backslide. Eventually his long-term gf moved in, and it turned out having 3 people was way easier. He kept doing his childhood chores, I did mine, and she took over the few left over.
The key was knowing what we were each responsible for, what issues set each person off, and when to shut up and handle your unfinished chores immediately to avoid someone else’s meltdown. We also saw each other as basically equals though, and I don’t see a lot of that in your post. You might be thinking that your sister is younger or less capable, but unless she is actually your dependent, you are sharing a household as adults. She needs to be part of the decision-making too. If she isn’t willing to participate, then you may be in the option 4 camp, but you get there over time, trying in good faith to bring her along as a tolerable roommate and household partner. Hopefully she can work with you and learn some valuable skills that will serve her if/when she moves out on her own someday.
Option 1 definitely. 2 is a cop out for her, she can’t get away with being and acting like an adult. Doesn’t she realise she’d be doing all the chores if she moves out?
We all get away with stuff when our mother is around but sadly your mother (and her mother too) isn’t here. You’re not her mother.
Good luck.
NTA. As someone who was in this exact position 20 years ago (death of a parent, autism/ADHD running rampant in the family), I see the younger version of myself in you.
I have multiple diagnoses but kept a stable job, cleaned, exercised and sought out therapy + medication. My sister, on the other hand, claimed that her ADHD was much more severe than mine and used that as an excuse to not pay rent or do any chores for 15 years. I have no idea what she did in that period of time. We became strangers living in the same house as we stopped interacting due to the resentment, and we are now no contact as I stopped supporting her.
I know people will tell you that she is “grieving” but so are you, and your sister’s behaviour was not any different when your Mom was still alive. This is a long standing character trait.
However, I would recommend that you still try to be moderate in your initial approach. Frame it from the perspective that you wish to communicate openly and start on a ‘fresh’ page, so to speak. Tell her to choose her pick of chores and that, going forward, things will need to be more equitable. If that doesn’t occur, then you will have to consider other choices so that your relationship can be protected from the impact of this situation.
If she agrees, YAY. If she agrees and then doesn’t do anything OR she simply dismisses you, start getting your ducks in order and look into ways of living apart.
Personally, I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
You got a be firm stand you’re ground. We all have to function with our own problems . We can’t just live off someone because we’re sad.