I’m 35M and have been dating someone who’s 31F. It’s been about four months now.
The first month felt good – we were getting to know each other, spending time both at work and sometimes after hours since we’re colleagues. Things felt easy. In the second month, I even told her that if everything continued going well, I’d introduce her to my sister.
During the 2nd month I observed, some traits where she spoke about not continuing because I was not providing her reassurance (about emotional safety and reassurance of long term and introducing to family), this has created a big mess and emotional turmoil in our relationship. Hence I wanted more time to introduce her to my sister.
I started noticing small shifts – she began reacting strongly to minor things, getting upset when things didn’t go her way.
I understood where she was coming from, and I genuinely wanted to make things work. I stayed, hoping we’d figure it out together.
But emotionally, it’s been sliding for both of us. We’re still trying, but something feels off – like we’re not able to meet each other where we need to.
TL;DR – Few positives during this time:
– moved houses to stay around my area, so that we can meet often
– celebrated my birthday for a week, made plans by herself
– she did give me gifts in between every month, and vice versa from my side
– Our fun times are very happy, at the same time when things are south its worse
P.s: Myself never married, She has been divorced earlier, she also told me she has gone through childhood trauma.
Please advise, what should I do? Please ask me questions for any clarity, I might not be great with writing content, Thank you.
Comments
You’re dating someone… Is she your girlfriend? Are you her boyfriend? Where is this going? You dangled meeting family as a progress step reward and you didn’t follow through. You’re not providing reassurance about where this is going.
I think it’s wild that she moved closer to you so she can see you more often. You’ve been dating for four months.
She’s asking for reassurance are you giving it to her? I’m not sure what to tell you, she wants to feel like your relationship is progressing or meeting family and you told her you’d do it and then pulled back. That will make anxious people anxious. If you care about her you need to ask her what YOU can do to help reassure her. If you’re not feeling this or you don’t have the emotional capacity to be reassuring then the best thing to do is to break up and let her find someone who can fill that cup for her.
Her moving to be closer to you already sounds like a way too big of step too early on.
Meeting family members after a month feels like too much too soon.
It seems clear that she wants a lot of commitment, reassurance, actions, and words from you very early on. It also seems like you do not want to give her those things this early on.
It’s only been four months and your incompatibilites are already showing. I think you should break up and move on.
Uh.. why do her positive things just sound like sacrifices she’s made for you and gifts?
I mean around the 5/6 month mark is when you start seeing if you are truly compatible with someone beyond just how they claim to be. You start seeing the actions on full display.
Have you made any effort to help her with reassurance besides just introing to your sister? Or did you stay thinking things would change because she would stop expecting things? I mean you have every right not to want to deal with her baggage but it’s not fair for you to expect her to ignore her needs. It’s really the simple saying that if shes “too much” for you then go find someone who is less. And that doesn’t even have to be a bad thing. I personally would not date anyone who’s been divorced and claims trauma but hasn’t done the work of healing. And this goes beyond just therapy.
For yourself, you need to figure out how you really feel about her and not just all the nice things she does for you.
When we are aware of our childhood trauma and don’t do anything to heal it – red flag.
There is nothing you can do to help her insecurity. There is, however, A LOT she can do. Therapy that is bottom up – not talk. Expanding her emotional intelligence and learning how to heal that inner child.