So, backstory: about 10 years ago my mom (now 69) had racked up a massive amount of credit card debt. She was unemployed, facing eviction, and in a really bad spot. At the time I couldn’t afford to help pay her bills, so instead I moved her into my house with me, my husband, and our two kids. We sold most of her stuff to help pay things down.
For 6 years she lived with us rent-free. We covered her groceries, utilities, and basically everything. Every cent she got from the government went straight toward her debt. It wasn’t easy, but eventually, she paid it all off.
Once she was debt-free, I helped get her onto social assistance and into low-income senior housing. She’s been on her own for about 3 years now. I still have access to her accounts, mostly just to keep an eye on things and make sure she stays stable.
Recently, I got a notification that her Visa was over the limit. This card was only supposed to be for emergencies, but when I looked at her statement, it was full of stuff like mobile games, restaurants, and random purchases. Nothing necessary.
I called her to talk about it. I told her I couldn’t help her anymore and that she’d have to figure it out on her own. (To be clear: she never asked me for money. She said she’d handle it.) But she got really upset when I refused to acknowledge that she had made a $300 payment on the card. She started crying, saying she is trying, and I still shut her down because I was frustrated and didn’t want to give her credit for backsliding again.
Now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I’ve already sacrificed so much for years to help her, and I can’t keep bailing her out. On the other hand, she’s 69, she cried, and I do feel like maybe I was too harsh in that moment by not giving her any acknowledgment for at least paying something.
So… AITA for refusing to acknowledge her payment and making her cry?
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So, backstory: about 10 years ago my mom (now 69) had racked up a massive amount of credit card debt. She was unemployed, facing eviction, and in a really bad spot. At the time I couldn’t afford to help pay her bills, so instead I moved her into my house with me, my husband, and our two kids. We sold most of her stuff to help pay things down.
For 6 years she lived with us rent-free. We covered her groceries, utilities, and basically everything. Every cent she got from the government went straight toward her debt. It wasn’t easy, but eventually, she paid it all off.
Once she was debt-free, I helped get her onto social assistance and into low-income senior housing. She’s been on her own for about 3 years now. I still have access to her accounts, mostly just to keep an eye on things and make sure she stays stable.
Recently, I got a notification that her Visa was over the limit. This card was only supposed to be for emergencies, but when I looked at her statement, it was full of stuff like mobile games, restaurants, and random purchases. Nothing necessary.
I called her to talk about it. I told her I couldn’t help her anymore and that she’d have to figure it out on her own. (To be clear: she never asked me for money. She said she’d handle it.) But she got really upset when I refused to acknowledge that she had made a $300 payment on the card. She started crying, saying she is trying, and I still shut her down because I was frustrated and didn’t want to give her credit for backsliding again.
Now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I’ve already sacrificed so much for years to help her, and I can’t keep bailing her out. On the other hand, she’s 69, she cried, and I do feel like maybe I was too harsh in that moment by not giving her any acknowledgment for at least paying something.
So… AITA for refusing to acknowledge her payment and making her cry?
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> AITA for refusing to acknowledge my mom’s $300 Visa payment and making her cry?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – I’ve got a mom in a similar situation. All my life she favored my sister over myself and my brother. My sister has completely looted my mom’s house of anything valuable and either sold it off or given it to her own kids. Mom can’t stay off the internet and has her bank account cleared out more than once by scammers.
She came to me for help and I gave it . . . for a bit. But the arrogance and hubris of her is just astonishing. I finally just cut her off and said to get help from her favorite child (who can’t stand to be in the same room with her).
I cut contact completely. Sometimes it’s all you can do for your sanity.
NTA. 300 is a drop in the ocean
I don’t know why that one piece of acknolwedgement was important to her, but I don’t see the harm in acknowledging something factual. Yes, she made a payment. That doesn’t negate the fact she’s spending irresponsibly. You could have acknowledged it, told her your concern, and maybe re-think your whole situation with her finances. You were VERY kind and helpful to her but it is an important boundary that you’ve communicated to her that ‘I am not doing it again’. Maybe because you still have access to her info and monitor it, it gives her some comfort that you’re there…and she is playing the child and you the ‘mom’.
But ‘mom’, I know I broke the vase but I cleaned my room didn’t I?
I feel like maybe you take your name off of it and tell her she’s flying solo….OR….stay involved, but that means she is welcoming your advice, your input and your ‘corrections’ to help her stay in line.
I guess in a nutshell…sure, you could have acknowledged, it was nothing ‘untrue’…she wasn’t asking you to say ‘you’re doing a great job’….and if she was, then you can acknowledge the payment AND say ‘this doens’t mean you’re doing well…you have to stop spending on this stuff altogether’.
Bottom line, she either wants you to monitor her or she doesn’t.
NTA
This was a sort of intervention from your side – you talked to your mom about racking up frivolous credit card debt that were OVER the LIMIT.
She may have cried but in some situations tough love is needed. Your mom needs to understand how important it is to maintain financial stability and also that you are not going to be her safety net all the time.
Good on you for talking to your mom before she went down the debt spiral again. And yes, you can’t keep bailing her out each time she puts herself into trouble financially.
NTA but INFO: have you helped her learn how to better herself when it comes to things like this rather than holding her hand and doing it for her?
Not sure where y’all live so I don’t know what services are available but I believe the best way to help someone is to give them the tools to help themselves. Sure, you can show them how to use the tools and be there if they have questions but for the most part they are on their own.
Reddit loves to give brutal advice in situations like this so I’m sure you’ll get a lot of responses that tell you to cut all ties with your mother but that’s often only the best thing to do in the most extreme situations.
Unfortunately a lot of women from her era were raised to feel dumb and to think they didn’t have the ability to learn things like finances and money management. They were raised to let the men do things for them. This taught incompetence has compounded over the years and left women like your mother in bad spots.
Are there organizations near y’all that can help teach seniors about money management? Help teach them about predatory services like mobile games?
Why does she still have credit cards?!? NTA
It’s a harsh lesson, I get it. NTA.
However, in my similar situation, I’ve helped my family, didn’t ask for anything, but never felt like it was a sacrifice.
I accept who they are. My family doesn’t handle money well. I can either help them, or not help them. The choice is mine alone to make. I’ll never blame them for what choices I made, when if their choices burdened me.
NTA – I’m going through a similar situation with my mom. She’s a bit younger though. Have you tried putting her in therapy? Therapy seems to have helped my mom so far, but I also told her that I’m not helping her financially anymore.
NTA! of course she cried, you sacrificed so much for her already, she is the cause of her own misery. She refuses to change her financial habits she can deal with the consequences. I don’t know maybe try to put a conservatorship in place she obviously can’t be responsible for her self financially. Might be the best way to go about it. That way you can get rid of the credit cards which seem to be the majority of your mother’s spending problems(truthfully overall it’s a huge problem for the world) but she should know better by now.
NTA,
Fine line between helping, and “enabling”. usually it winds up being defined by an instance like this.
Her tears are a manipulation.
NTA. Those crocodile tears were an attempt to manipulate you and deflect the conversation to be about an imaginary thing you did wrong instead of a real thing she did wrong. Sounds like she shouldn’t have any credit cards at all, though as long as she’s considered “competent” I guess there’s no real way to take them away.
NTA. Helping is one thing, enabling is another. A little rough love keeps one from becoming the other.
NTA. “Just once more!” every day for the rest of your life.
NTA. She’s digging another hole for herself. Just tell her she’s not moving in again. Step away. Enough said.