My wife(32)and I(33) married over 2 years ago and she is still salty about what my parents wore to the wedding. My dad wore jeans with a blazer and my mom wore a Patagonia like vest under a silk shirt that was clearly visible and crocs. I understand that was definitely not wedding appropriate attire and I did tell them what to wear however having dealt with them my entire life I cannot say I’m suprised. She says she is upset because our wedding photos were not nice to look at and she never framed them.
My dad also yelled at the waiter which was bad yes but she didn’t know until after the wedding and my sister managed to get him under control so it didn’t impact the wedding. We fought about this a few days at the end of the wedding. But it died down and we stopped discussing it partly because my parents live 7 hours away so she never interacted with them after the wedding.
She told me then she wasn’t visiting my family and I took it to mean that year which was fine as the memory was too fresh but she actually meant never. We had our son 8 months ago and she refuses to come to see my parents for the holidays. I would understand if it was that she wasn’t feeling well but she is feeling amazing because she hiked for hours the previous weekend and wants to go skiing again this season. She basically just doesn’t want to interact with my family. My parents are not easy to deal with. My dad is not friendly and he is bitter from being unaccomplished so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude. However visiting once a year and sucking it up for a few hours a day when he hasn’t actually blown up or made comments towards my wife beyond at the beginning when he said he doesn’t liking her profession and not to her face doesn’t seem unreasonable for her to dislike him that much.
But she refuses and traveling with a 8 month old is incredibly difficult. She is still breast feeding him but has some frozen milk built up and thinks I should accept her not wanting to visit my parents by either bringing the frozen milk to feed him for a few days or I go alone. I tried to tell her it is really rude not to at least try to get along and if there is a fight she won’t need to interact with them again but she straight up refuses. I feel like I’m being made the asshole for expecting her to do this but speaking with colleagues and close friends most have family they do not like and most do not like their in laws and still make an effort to at least go once a year but my wife says they ruined her wedding photos so she not visiting them makes them even.
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> I might be the asshole for expecting my wife to put aside the issue with my parents dress at our wedding and visit them once a year
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. Asking her to spend the holidays with your mess of a family is a bridge too far
My parents are not easy to deal with. My dad is not friendly and he is bitter from being unaccomplished so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude.
I feel like more info is needed from this
How bad have parents been with her in the past ? Cause it’s sounding like someone reached their limit
>I feel like I’m being made the asshole for expecting her to do this but speaking with colleagues and close friends most have family they do not like and most do not like their in laws and still make an effort to at least go once a year but my wife says they ruined her wedding photos so she not visiting them makes them even.
YTA- it isn’t just about the wedding (which… wow that’s another post entirely). They’re rude, off-putting and seemingly very selfish people- and your dad throws tantrums. Your wife is a brand new mom and they live 7 hours away. it is completely ABNORMAL in my opinion to expect her to travel like that, and be around awful people, while trying to breast feed etc. You’re being an awful new dad and a terrible husband. If your parents want to see you all so bad, they can travel 7 hours to you, and GET A HOTEL ROOM.
She has a right to not want to be in the presence of mean people. Is a basic right. Does she force you to do what you dislike?
NTA BUT…if your parents are able bodied they should be visiting you and not the other way around. Let your wife stay in her safe space.
YTA. Why is she still with you? And having your babies? You did not step in to defend her from your families many transgressions. I wouldn’t let them within a mile of me or my child. Consider yourself lucky she’s still around.
You just explained how horrible your parents are, but want not only your wife but your BABY to have to see them?? YTA.
It sounds like your parents are generally unpleasant in addition to being inappropriate and your wife’s not willing to deal with that. You have been dealing with it your whole life and you love them so you choose to overlook their behavior.
I would tread lightly, otherwise this will cost you your marriage.
YTA
How about your parents put in some effort by apologizing to your wife for the way they’ve treated her up to this point?
eta: This most likely isn’t about the pictures. It’s about the way your wife feels when she sees those pictures and remembers the disrespect your parents have shown her.
YTA — for next gift giving occasion this year, pay for someone to Photoshop your parents out of the wedding photos and have them printed for her.
If your parents are abusive, your wife shouldn’t have to deal with that. However – this sounds like your mom/dad are just somewhat unpleasant, so verdict is:
NTA
I don’t particularly like my stepdad. I don’t particularly like my mother-in-law. I don’t particularly like several family members in my wife’s stepdad’s family. But – I suck it up once every 6-8 months for family events for a couple hours.
Raising children is hard. We owe our parents at least a little kindness even if they’re not perfect. That doesn’t justify abuse, but if they’re just kinda “annoying people”, let’s give them some grace.
YTA. Your parents sound like awful people. They have put down your wife to you, disrespected your wedding and made zero effort to see their grandchild. Why in the world would you expect her to make ANY effort where they are concerned?
YTA, your parents disrespected your wife and did it purposely and ruinned the wedding and the wedding photos and you seriously expect her to interact with them. Divorce is in your future if you continue to try to force these people on your wife. If you are so indoctrinated and suffer from stockholm syndrome for your parents go alone and dont whine and complain about it, you are actively choosing to spend time with horribly toxic people over your wife and child.
Based on the info you have provided, YTA.
Your parents sound rude, inconsiderate, ignorant, and demanding. Yet you want to subject your wife to their treatment.
I don’t even know your family, and yet I feel personally insulted at the thought of your mother wearing crocs to your wedding. I don’t blame your wife for not wanting to be around them.
Either go alone or take your son by yourself.
YTA
YTA. Just because you’re willing to deal with your parents poor behaviour, that doesn’t mean your wife has to. By your own admission, the assholery of your parents goes far beyond just their wedding attire. I wouldn’t sign up for a visit if I knew that I would have a miserable time and it seems like with the attitude of your parents plus your wife’s resentment of them, a miserable time is what would be had. You’re willing to put up with it, she isn’t. Stop pushing and maybe have a hard look at the relationship that you have with them because you haven’t listed one positive in this post
YTA
You’ve already said your parents are mean / buttheads and did ruin the wedding with their trash attire. She is within her rights to refuse to visit. You on the other hand can take the child yourself to visit them. Another option is to travel with your wife to said town but she takes a mini vacation the day you take the child to visit your parents. During this visit if they step out of line and insult her you tell them to back off and if they don’t change their attitude they will never see the grandchild or you again.
YTA. You are basically communicating to your wife that you don’t care how they treated her (and you by default).
“ I tried to tell her it is really rude not to at least try to get along and if there is a fight she won’t need to interact with them again”
Looks like she is noping right out of that possibility. Why ask her to “see if it gets worse”?
Dude, close that door and focus on the family you created.
You seem to be a “yes…but” man. You describe a situation then you excuse it. From both side.
Find a photo without your parents and frame it, tell your wife youre going to visit your parents, for your once a year visit.
If its fair for her to never see them again due to a photo then its fair you never see insert anyone on her side of family for her refusing to see your parents.
And also have strong words with your parents and settle this matter.
Or sit back and accept.
YTA she’s breastfeeding, you have an infant and your parents are not kind to her, yet you expect her to travel 7 hours by car with an infant to go visit them?
Why do you think having her in the car will make travelling with an infant easier?
She doesn’t want to go. Are you embarrassed to show up without her? You think she will appear rude but it sounds like your parents, especially your dad, often appear rude.
Tell them it’s too difficult to travel and if they want to see you they can travel.
yta. Your family is awful and you did nothing to change how they treat her.
If you want to continue to cater to your parents awfulness you’re welcome to do so but your wife has every right to decide she will not be part of it in any way ever. You don’t get to decide what her boundaries with your parents will be. YTA
YTA,
My parents are miserable people. I told them if they gave my husband attitude or tried any of their manipulative bullshit with him, I would cut them off so fast their heads would spin.
That’s how your supposed to handle the situation.
Your basically saying, “Yeah, my parents are awful, but she just needs to suck it up for a couple days a year.”
And that’s a stupid way to live life.
Stand up for your wife! You married her and had a kid with her, she should come first.
Go see your parents and if they ask where she is, say that they are miserable people that owe her an apology and that you completely understand why she doesn’t want to visit them.
Basically, you need to grow a backbone.
Your an adult with a family of your own at the point. Stop enabling their bad behavior just because it’s easier to deal with.
I was going to go with Not ta, But after re-reading YTA, Your father sounds toxic, your wife and 8 month old will be having a hard enough time being comfortable, if your wife is on edge the baby will be unbearably so. Truthfully I’d wait until the baby is sleeping through the night and off the breast so that any discomfort can be handled without causing issues with the little one.
You want her to spend her baby’s 1st Christmas in a stressful environment, with a clearly unsupportive husband?
YTA
YTA.
Your wife is dealing with 2 babies at the moment, grow a spine.
Your parents were incredibly disrespected of your wife and your marriage by not dressing appropriately. You want your wife to “[visit] once a year and sucking it up for a few hours a day” but your parents couldn’t suck it up for your wedding??? Most parents are very happy to dress up for their kids weddings.
“My dad is not friendly and he is bitter from being unaccomplished so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude.” Sounds like your wife has the self respect to not be in the presence of someone who makes her uncomfortable. If you want to put up with him that’s your choice, she gets to make that choice too.
You have to back your wife dude, that’s your family now, your parents are extended family. Your parents shouldn’t expect to see her until they apologize for the disrespect & fix their attitudes.
YTA. You keep adding more reasons why she would never want to have anything to do with them again, and then say “but she can man up for a few hours” after a seven hour drive with an infant . . . as if that’s in any world reasonable. If you want to see your parents, then go. Don’t expect her to put herself out there to someone who is bitter, angry, and resentful of her.
What sucks here is you know your wife is the reasonable person in this scenario. You are reinforcing your parents unreasonable behavior at your wife’s expense. I’ve lived this dynamic (married for 31 years!!) and this strategy will 100% backfire on you. Your wife and child should be your #1 priority. Full stop. Your folks could not even rally for your wedding. What more do you need to know?
ESH. Your parents suck for all of your stated reasons. You suck for making excuses. Your wife sucks for turning poor sartorial choices two years ago into a lifelong refusal to interact is an unbelievable overreaction. If there’s more to how your parents have poorly treated your wife, then that can be a considering factor, but her wild overreaction … good luck with your kid.
Instead of commenting on what you asked let me instead provide advice.
If you want this relationship to survive, you need to prioritize your wife. To be clear I don’t mean that it is always her way or she is always right. What i mean is you always have her back, you’re her wing man. So when your family says something rude, disrespectful, or treats her like shit, you stand up for your wife. You call out their BS and you leave if you need until your family either learns to respect your boundaries or you have enough.
Right now you are prioritizing your parents happiness over your spouse who should be #1! By just trying to keep the peace or suck it up you are telling her she needs to do this so they are happy and her being miserable is okay. Because you know she will be there for you, the problem is that her tolerance for being put last only goes so far before she is done.
Quit fighting about what to do this holiday and instead work as a team to figure out boundaries for your family and what you will do to protect her. Fix the problem you have first before putting ourselves in front of your family.
Also ask yourself, do you feel compelled to visit your family because you want to or because you feel obligated to make them happy? Because the tone of your writing sounds like you don’t want to rock the boat and less like you enjoy them.
If you don’t prioritize your wife you will end up with no wife and just have your shitty parents behavior to keep you company
I understand how it seems harsh. But in reality, she set a boundary and is sticking to it. More importantly, she’s not preventing YOU from having a relationship with them or taking your child to see them.
I have no contact with my mom. My husband decided long before I did that he would have no contact with her, but I was free to make my own choices. Was it difficult/ awkward in that time for me to visit her alone or only invite her to our house if he was out of town? Yup. But we figured it out and now it doesn’t matter anyway.
Your spouse should be your #1 always- before siblings, parents, friends, etc. I won’t go as far as to say that YTA because I empathize with the difficult situation. But ultimately you should respect your wife enough to respect her boundaries.
YTA.
So your parents are awful people and you want to subject your wife and noborn child to them because …? Equal punishment?
Go alone or don’t go at all. Awful people don’t deserve people catering to their whims.
YTA. Go ahead and try to make her interact with your parents and don’t be surprised when she leaves your ass and takes the baby.
YTA Just because you don’t mind dealing with your awful parents doesn’t mean your wife or baby has to. Toxic awful people shouldn’t be rewarded with visits whether they’re family or not.
YTA. Your used to your AH parents so your wife and kid should also suffer is not a way to live
So all they did was ruin her wedding photos…..except that they also yelled at a waiter but she didn’t personally see that so it’s fine.
Your dad is bitter and angry and unpleasant to be around but he’s never said anything bad to her…….except for the time that he insulted her profession but he didn’t say it to her face so what’s the problem, right?
YTA. If you want to subject yourself to horrible people then have at it, there’s no reason she has to do the same.
YTA. You should have stood up for your wife at the time and not even let the parents get away with aich disrespect. Stand up for her now. Either don’t go or go alone. Your parents drew a line in the sand. You wife is right. She should never have to go. They told her by their actions what they thought of her. They don’t want to see her any more than she wants to see them. They made their choice, allow her hers.
Traving with an 8 month old IS incredibly difficult, so your wife should not have to do it for people you admit are awful and have been rude to her before. You are a parent now, suck it up and do the difficult thing if its so important that you see your parents. Give your wife a nice little mini-vacation since she’s been attached at the boob to the baby for eight months. YTA.
Are you sure it’s just about what they wore to your wedding, because that sounds really shallow?
YTA and I totally understand why your wife doesn’t want to spend time with such horribly disrespectful people. Just because they are blood doesn’t make them family, your wife is your chosen family & you should have her back on this.
YTA
And stop pushing your wife to take down the boundaries she put up after your parents’ blatant disrespect.
Serious.
STOP.
You’re turning into your father.
YTA bc she is offering you to take your baby and the frozen breastmilk. This is giving I can’t parent my child vibes. If she refused to let you take the baby I’d be mire conflicted bc your parents do sound awful but I’m sure if that warrants lifelong cutoff. How about your parents traveling to you guys?
YTA
crocs are the superior shoe wear and your mother knows this
Yes you are. good for your wife and her boundaries! if your parents want to spend the holidays with you so bad and you with them, then they should make the effort to travel, not your wife and under 1 year old child. they should also find their own accommodations if they did travel to you.
OP you need to deal with the reality that your parents are not great people. So why would you expect any sane person to cater to them? They are your parents but they don’t have the basic decency or respect for you as a human being and if they did, they would have behaved differently.
Why do you want your wife or your child exposed to the toxicity? You can love them but there is nothing more there which is hard to accept but that is reality. What do you hope to gain by dragging your wife and kid there?
YTA, why should she force herself to be around people that dont care about her?
Female here probably around your parent’s age – I won’t say YTA as I think that’s harsh and TBH, I think maybe you just aren’t being sensitive and realistic here. Your wife, her feelings and her well being are your main priority here (and forever now 🙂) as well as your child. Asking her to expend any effort to simply deal with and tolerate your admittedly mean, nasty family is just really wrong and insensitive. Especially for the holidays.
If you feel you must see them, you can go alone and if they want to travel to see you and your child and stay in a hotel, you should check with your wife on how she even feels about seeing them at all and secondly, how she feels about having your child even exposed to these people and be prepared for her to decline any interaction for herself and the baby.
Being parents/grandparents does not give them an automatic right to get to have ‘family time’ with you or anyone else where people have to just just walk on eggshells and pretend they aren’t really assholes. If they are mean people, why in the world do you feel you need to accommodate their bad behavior especially at the expense of your wife/child? I’m not trying to be rude here but seriously – please examine your motives for wanting her to just “suck it up and go along” (my words, not yours).
I have been with my amazing husband for 30+ years – his parents and primarily his mother have been very nasty to me from the get go for literally zero reason so guess what, hubby went no contact after a few short years at the beginning of trying to see them alone. He chose me and my feelings/sanity from what would have surely amounted to years of abuse from his parents. I’ve never forgotten that he loved me enough to remove me from that situation with no feeling of guilt or obligation. Please rethink your position here. Good luck.
YTA, why would she have to put up with your rude parents. Take your child if you want them to meet him or go alone your choice.
YTA
If you want to waste your time and travel the 7 hours to visit them then do it, but you can’t expect your wife to prepare and plan to travel with an infant to visit miserable people who couldn’t go out of their way to just dress nice for a wedding.
Also, what is your wife’s profession that your dad has such an issue with?
YTA
I don’t see anything about where your parents have apologized or tried to mend fences with your wife for their inappropriate and offensive behavior.
You seem to be enabling it by dismissing her anger and ignoring their attitudes.
“when he said he doesn’t liking her profession and not to her face doesn’t seem unreasonable for her to dislike him that much.”
Sounds like to me that you’re talking too much. Somehow your wife hears about what your father thinks of her profession, you’re running your mouth to coworkers and your friends about the situation. I think your parents have rubbed off on you – maybe you should talk to your wife instead of talking to all these other people.
YTA
Your parents have made zero effort and you expect your wife to just forgive and forget?
You shouldn’t expect your wife to have anything to do with your parents until they profusely apologize to both of you. Even then it is a low contact relationship.
And really you want to expose your child to such a toxic space? People can’t deal with their emotions, have no respect for others, and you don’t want to hold them accountable for shockingly bad behaviour. Until your parents can learn to be adults, they don’t get to see your child
Quite frankly you also need to apologize to your wife, it is ridiculously that you are going to see your parents. They have so little respect for you that they can’t be bothered to make an effort for your wedding day.
YTA. She isn’t saying you can’t see them. Bust she’s breastfeeding, the baby is still young and its a long journey to people eho disrespected her (and you along with it) in such an insulting way on her wedding. There may be more that she doesn’t want to being up for not wanting to get between you.
Of course she doesn’t want to see them now. Maybe one day. But its going to be an exhausting trip for folk eho mistreated her and it isn’t a surprise she isn’t ip for that. But she isn’t banning you from going.
Another idea may be for them to come visit the baby and you can go out to lunch with them. Go to the zoo with them and the baby and other such activities. If she agrees. Shows some effort on their part, isn’t dragging a young baby on a massive trip whilst breastfeeding, and your parents can see their grandkid.
But pushing her on this, especially at a time like this, is too much.
HAHAHA this is a great story! Nice try!
YTA!!!! Your parents sound absolutely awful!!!
Wow.. YTA.. dude what’s wrong with you.. She is your wife, your better half , treat her with the dignity she needs. Support her , remember she left her family, her name for you , being a wife and making you a whole .. Give her the respect she deserves
Do YOU even want to visit them? Be honest. Do you want to be separated from your wife and child for the holidays to appease people who don’t even seem to really care? YTA IF you don’t respect your wives boundaries (ones she has now clearly set.) and if you don’t have a serious reevaluation of your priorities.
I wish you the best.
“That’s just how they are. Why can’t you just be the better person?” Yeah, they’re awful, and they get away with it because people like you expect decent people like your wife to just put up with it. YTA
Why do you want to force your wife to spend time with people who are disrespectful, miserable, bitter, and who she doesn’t like. And from the sound of it they don’t like her either. People who respect you and your wife don’t dress like hikers for your wedding.
YTA. Stop brushing their behaviour under the carpet and start respecting your wife’s boundaries. She and your child are your primary family now. Act like it.
Sooooo…. Your parents were rude and disrespectful at your wedding. Your father was rude to service staff (no excuse for that). Your father told your wife he didn’t like her career.
What have your parents done to improve this situation? Have they been kind TO YOUR WIFE? Have they apologised? Have they reached out? Have they supported your wife during pregnancy or new parenthood? Have they sent a gift or a text. Have they tried to make things better?
Why would she make herself, and her baby, miserable, take leave, and give up sweet family memories of first holidays to have a distressing time with people that openly disrespect her and are cruel and unpleasant?
I applaud your wife for having the strength of character to KNOW she deserves better.
Please step up and put your own nuclear family first. Your wife and baby need to be your priority- not your birth family who didn’t care enough even for YOU to be decent people at your wedding. Start making plans to have amazing holidays with your new baby, make it special for you, and your wife…. That is where your focus needs to be now. Chasing approval from people that will never give it isn’t worth your time, something that your wife already knows.
Do you know why your parents attended your wedding dressed like they were? Are they ignorant and lack a modicum of sophistication, or what?
Did she have a relationship with them before your wedding? Does she feel they dressed horribly just to offend her?
Have they ever apologized, offered an explanation? Do they know how your wife feels about it?
Are they welcome at your house and have they ever been?
Somebody needs to wave a white flag. I’m just not sure who it is at this point.
YTA. Your parents sound miserable. They went out of their way to wear unacceptable attire to your wedding, which yes, does indeed ruin wedding photos. They made a scene at the dinner, I’m assuming? Your dad makes snide comments about your wife. And you’re upset she won’t “suck it up” and make a 7 hour drive with an infant? For what? So your parents can now treat you both poorly in front of your child too?
My family sucks and I know they suck. If I feel the need to go to some family gathering, I go by myself. I don’t put my fiancé through it because I love him and having to call my grandma out on her rude comments to him the entire time we’re there is awful and he shouldn’t be put through that. She’s not invited to our wedding, along with a few others, including my own father. Your wife and child should be your top priority, not appeasing your parents.
YTA look your family is toxic and mean if not straight up emotionally abusive.
You’re married now which means your wife and child are now your immediate family and your parents are now legally extended family. If you want your marriage to work then you need to act like a husband and put your wife and child first instead of telling her to suck it up and deal with toxic people who disrespect and mistreat her.
On top of all that you’re not thinking about your child’s safety. Here’s a link to the recommendation for how long a baby can be in a car seat. A 7 hour drive is not okay
If you treat someone terribly, they may not wish to spend time with you anymore. That is an absolutely natural and entirely predictable consequence of cruel and rude behavior.
Your parents and your wife are not on the same team – and it sounds like (from your own account) that is entirely your parents’ doing. The decision you have to make now is, do you want to be on your wife’s team?
She is not trying to dictate your relationship with them. She has no problem with you spending the holidays with them alone. Which, btw, is insane because you should be prioritizing spending your first holiday with your new baby as a family – you, your wife, and your child. Yet, she’s ok with you going without her. However, that isn’t good enough for you – you do want to dictate her relationship with them. That is not your place. Try to force this issue and you will likely damage your relationship with your wife.
“It is really rude not to at least try to get along” – so, when your parents didn’t “at least try” at your wedding, that was really rude of them, right? “if there is a fight she won’t need to interact with them again” – ok if you can actually accept this, then understand that the relationship-ending fight already happened, and she doesn’t need to interact with them again.
Stay home, spend the holiday with your wife and new baby. Visit your parents another time. When your parents are rude either to her face or about her behind her back, stand up for her every time.
YTA.
You started building YOUR family, only that matters now. If your parents want to be a part of YOUR family, then they will need to make changes. I do not get why kids still bend to their parents after they become adults themselves. That’s not how I raise my children. Bad behavior should have bad repercussions.
YTA
Your parents sound awful. I am not surprised your wife does not want to go through the logistical challenge of taking a baby to visit them
I wouldn’t let you take my breastfeeding baby away from me, especially to visit these selfish people. Wrought months is too young to be separated from the mother for such a long time anyhow.
Maybe they could visit you, and start at a hotel. Try baby steps to see if they can be nice to your family. Otherwise, your wife’s peace of mind is more important than sticking up to your nasty parents.
YTA.
You shouldn’t want your family to interact with your parents. It’s ok if you want to accept what they’re like, but it’s not fair to subject your family to them.
I’m not basing this on the wedding but what you’ve said about your family. I have friends and family who have toxic in laws and rubbish partners, and the issue is that they will be themselves and you’re pushing your partner into interacting with them.
Right now you’re choosing and prioritising your parents, despite knowing they’re adults who choose to behave this way.
You are an asshole. I’m just going to write it out. Personally, I’d never spend any time with your parents, I’d go no contact permanently. You better figure it out or you’re going to lose your wife.
YTA.
I’ve lost count of the number of little 30-something year old boys liked you that I’ve had to help clients divorce since the pandemic. You need to recognize the shame your parents toxic behavior brings onto you, and then you need to sit and think very long and hard about why you’re so quick to agree with them that you and your little family deserve to be humiliated and ashamed just because you’re too chicken to act like a grown adult with a wife and child. It’s profoundly uncool to ask your wife to just casually let her and your child be verbally and emotionally mistreated for a few hours, but ESPECIALLY during the holidays!
Be a grown adult or get a divorce and let your wife and kids be with someone who can actually provide them with the security and support a small family is entitled to. Your dad is miserable, and apparently you want to be, too. Fine! But that something you’ll have to do alone. You can’t bring her and your child down into it with you.
You, your wife and the baby are now “your family”. From the moment you got married, your parents are relegated to extended family.
In her position I’d feel exactly the same. They put in ZERO effort for the wedding (worse, they put in a specific effort to disrespect her) so this is their reward. She puts in zero effort to have anything to do with them. Although her saying you could go on your own with the baby and bring frozen milk is way more than I’d be prepared to do!
Make your own traditions as the new family. Spend the holidays together. Whatever, she’s not going to your parents’ place.
If you try to force her to, YWBTA, and you wouldn’t succeed anyway.
I also suggest you get your parents photoshopped out of the wedding photos.
YTA. First of all, it is your child’s first Christmas. It should be spent at home making memories, not being trapped in a car seat for a long trip. Second, and most important, you need to support your wife. Your parents have been rude and disrespectful to her. I’m quite sure there’s more to this situation than you’ve provided here. You’ve admitted that she’s reasonable in her decision to keep your family at bay. Under no circumstance should you expect her to travel with an infant (on their first Christmas at that) to spend time being disrespected and made to feel uncomfortable. If they can’t respect the mother of your child, they do not deserve to see the child.
Your father has a miserable attitude and both were disrespectful to you both at your wedding. Why do you expect your wife & child to share in the misery YOU choose. It is not rude to tell you that you can take your child to visit without her. Have they apologized? YTA
ESH. Your dad sounds like a miserable person and your wife is being petty. Good luck with all that.
YOU now have a family. Your wife and child. That’s who you should be supportive of. You’ve been tolerant of your parents because that’s who/what you grew up with, but your wife didn’t. And she doesn’t want to put up with it.
Grow a pair and tell your “parents” if they want to be a part of YOUR FAMILY’S life, they are going to need to put in the effort, and learn to be respectful of their grandchild’s mother. You now have a family to raise.
BTW, YTA.
YTA. Your parents didn’t dress appropriately for your wedding and your father tired to fight with a waiter? Umm. It sounds like your wife is thinking rationally. Why put herself and your infant through a long trip to visit people who are rude and offensive? Go by yourself. I guarantee if you try to go with just the baby, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Let your wife and baby stay home and you can visit your parents. And if they want to see the baby so much, why don’t they come to your city and book a hotel?
This seems to go well beyond wedding photos and that you’re leaving a lot of relevant information out. How have your parents treated your wife in the past? Not just saying things to her face, but overall behavior. Why did they dress the way they did? Was it passive aggressive? Did they not have money for outfits? It sounds like your parents are generally unwelcoming and your dad is toxic.
Dear lord…you’re an asshole.
YTA. Why do you want to put your wife and son through your miserable parents? Bro, you got a new family now that consist of wife and son, they are the priority.
NTA- Your parents sound straight awful as humans. Your wife is being stubborn and holding a grudge over the wedding still. You cant control your parents and dealing with them a couple days a year is pretty reasonable if they havent done anything terrible to your wife
If you know, your family is difficult to deal with, making your wife and child subject to their whims is unreasonable. Go yourself. There’s absolutely no reason that I can think of that she should join you visiting your family and I’m a very reasonable person.
YTA you want to reward you parents toxic behaviour by either leaving your wife at home whilst you take the baby for it’s first Christmas or Thanksgiving with them or leave your wife and child home whilst you see them.
If I was your wife and you chose them over celebrating as the family you created you may as well take all your belongings with you as you would not be getting back in and divorce papers would be in your stocking Christmas morning.
Edited as I assumed Christmas as that is the only holiday in my country at this time of year
Why are you calling her rude? Why aren’t you calling your parents rude? Because they are in the wrong here, not your wife. Why can’t they visit your house? Might as well, instead of driving 7h with a little baby.
YTA. Aren’t the holidays supposed to be a joyful time? Why would anyone want to spend that time with people you yourself say are difficult? Think about the last time you spent the holidays with your family- did you have a good time or did you just endure it? Besides that it’s your baby’s first Christmas -something that should be special not stressful.
This gotta be Ai what woman wears a Patagonia vest under a dress
Info, what does your dad say to your wife?
You just let your parents treat her and the things she cares about, like shit, and you and your siblings spend so much time trying to mitigate your dads behavior.
You’re a failure of a husband.
YTA
This is a tough one. I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think you’re someone who was raised by unkind people and maybe have some issues as a result. But you’re asshole adjacent.
Your parents have been unkind to your wife, it doesn’t seem (from what you’ve posted) that they’ve tried to make her feel like part of the family, and they ruined a day that meant a lot to her. Now you’re asking her to travel with a baby (which is haaaaaaard to do) during the holiday seasons because…why? Why does she need to go through all of that to spend time with people who have treated her like crap? This isn’t just about wedding photos my friend. They’ve, from your description, done more than enough unkind things to her.
Compromise. Suggest visiting them during a non-holiday time and for a shorter amount of time. Give lots of space for your wife to leave if your parents start saying unkind things to her again. If you hadn’t planned on it, book a hotel so that you all can get some space away from them in the evenings.
YTA. Holidays are special days, why in the world would any sane person want to spend special days with unpleasant and bitter people? Your wife absolutely has the right to say no. Go on your own. Alone.
YTA. What the fuck dude? Why would you even want to see your parents? They sound like terrible people. Spend the holidays with your wife and child and if you want to go visit your parents alone at another time – do that. I also need to know what the dress code was for your wedding that would lead them to believe their attire was appropriate.
Crocs and jeans at your own son’s wedding is wild. Considering you admit that your dad can be hard to be around, it’s not surprising she doesn’t want to just suck it up. It may be uncomfortable for you but when you bring someone new into the family, you need to make sure your family come correct.
Like others have said, why don’t you just travel with the kid yourself
“You can deal with disrespect once a year for a few hours”
YTA.
YTA for expecting your wife to ‘suck it up’ when you don’t stand up for her to them, and you describe how difficult they are.
You have an 8th month old baby and you want to leave her and your wife alone on your baby’s first Christmas? YTA for that, too.
YTA or rather you will be if you keep trying to force a relationship when no one wants one. Your parents don’t like your wife and she doesn’t like them. I know you probably long for a lovely set of parents so you could have nice family weekends together and enjoy each other’s company but sadly that would require your parents to be decent and they don’t want to be.
Your parents are rude, bitter, nasty to others. They disparage her profession, they deliberately dressed like shit for your wedding and ruined the photos and started an fight with someone who couldn’t answer them back, they put your wife down….and you expect her to be happy because your father isn’t insulting her to her face anymore?
Look,in my case I’m the one with the not great family so I do get that you are used to their shitty behaviour and have been raised to just accept them because they won’t change. But your wife and child don’t need to accept anything. Your parents aren’t good people. Your wife doesn’t want to waste any of her time on them, nor does she want to normalise their behaviour to your child or inflict their nastiness on your child.
If you wish to visit your parents then it’s going to be solo. Your baby doesn’t need to be offered up as a sacrifice to their rudeness. Your baby doesn’t need to learn to excuse bad manners, see your adult father throwing tantrums or hear your parents insulting you or your wife. Your wife doesn’t need to waste her weekend and time with your baby or cram your baby into a car for 7 hours of travel to visit people who don’t make any effort to even be friendly and then drive 7 hours back with an unsettled infant who is cranky and overtired from having to sleep in an unfamiliar house and being passed around to grumpy, bitter people in an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. Then having to settle your baby after a long weekend of travel and being crammed into a car seat which will likely have a knock on effect on your baby’s sleep and mood and eating and therefore effect you and your wife as well? Ugh. No thanks.
You don’t need to waste your weekend or your precious free time with your wife and baby to spend time with people who make zero effort for you! You truly don’t. You have a lovely wife and baby, a beautiful little family….spend your time with them and maybe consider if you would ever act to your baby’s one day spouse how your parents act to your wife? I somehow doubt that you would. You do not deserve to be treated how they treat you, your wife doesn’t deserve to be treated how they treat her and your baby doesn’t need to normalise grandparents who treat people like crap.
OP: Read all the posts. It’s bigger than the wedding photos. What good would come from traveling 7 hours each way and spending a few hours with them? I’d rather have a colonoscopy.
YTA.
You grew up with your parents behavior so you’re “used to it”. Your wife did not. On what is supposed to be an important day for their child, they showed up in casual wear which spoke volumes about how they’re more concerned about their comfort than they are about respecting the people they’re with.
Your wife is an absolute treasure and you should not be trying to force her to accept abuse from your parents just because you think everyone should just accept your parents crappy behavior. If you keep insisting, you won’t be married much longer. Your wife is your family now. If anyone should be making an effort to have a better relationship, it’s your parents. They’re the ones that have refused to be respectful and show even a modicum of social etiquette. If you want there to be a good relationship, push them because if you push your wife, you’ll find that you are actually pushing her away.
YTA. Can your parents not travel? But you literally did not write one redeeming quality about them. Who would want to spend their free time traveling to these people who couldn’t even be bothered to dress up for a wedding and are angry at the world.
Your wife set boundaries to emotionally protect herself. You’re the A if you don’t respect boundaries. Your parents choose to be that way. You making excuses for their behavior is only making it worse.
Yta – so your family have already disrespected yourself and your wife in the past, but that was a few years ago now so it is okay? She should suck it up and make all the effort to go visit them and hope the holidays are not ruined… yeah, no. Why should she be forced to put herself in an uncomfortable situation when you yourself recognize the risk of them saying something rude are high. If your wife’s already uncomfortable with them, expecting her to stay with them while breastfeeding is unfair and you are going to be responsible for causing issues in your relationship. Your parents don’t get a free pass to act how they want without consequences and just because you can tolerate it because you grew up with them doesn’t mean she has to. She is not trying to keep you away.
I get you want to see your parents for a few hours a year. So the only thing your parents did to your wife was wear the wrong clothes at the wedding? They didn’t yell at her right? I don’t understand your wife. I traveled far with my infant. It’s not that hard. I put up with way more B.S. from my in-laws and my husband put up with crap from my family. That’s marriage!
YTA.
Are you really clueless or just acting like one??
OMG!! my wife is being so unreasonable and holding grudge against parents they just did few things like
Basically ruined her photos for once in life time moment
Don’t like her profession
Are really miserable and hard to deal with.
Then you are asking her to travel with a toddler via car for straight 7 hour .
You got some nerve.
I think your wife is simply following your parents lead and matching their energy.
Traveling with a baby is an enormous amount of effort. Your parents can’t even make the effort to wear shoes to a wedding. It’s completely unreasonable to ask your wife to make a huge overture to people who treat her terribly.
YTA here because you’re excusing your parents bad behavior and asking your wife to sacrifice her time and energy to be insulted some more. If your parents cared about meeting their grandson they would have come to visit YOU. They do not care. I know that has to be hard to hear, but you can’t punish your wife because your parents are rude.
You can choose to go alone or not at all. Asking your wife to give up Christmas with her baby is a nonstarter.
YTA. For all the reasons already here, just wanted to reinforce the vote.
YTA. Apart from all the reasons you give for your father in particular disrespecting her, you say yourself that travelling with an 8 month old is really difficult. You also say she is still breastfeeding. Open a conversation about whether your parents can travel to you and maybe stay nearby. Travelling with kids is a nightmare without even getting into your wife still feeding your kid which is such a huge undertaking. You would want to know it was for a very good reason like a nice holiday at the end of it. If my wife’s parents were rude and disrespectful I wouldn’t be travelling to them. If my own parents were rude to my wife I wouldn’t tell them to go suck a lemon. And if my wife were breastfeeding my kid she gets the veto on any travel.
YTA. Your parents sound awful and like you can’t stand them yourself, they ruined the one day that was about you and her, and are just generally miserable to be around. If you’re gonna be so spineless about setting boundaries with them that’s fine, but don’t expect her to expose herself or your child to that bs. And don’t push her on this, you’ve over-reached already.
NTA
Let her kno that there is only two ways this goes : either she travels to them or they come stay /visit with you ! It’s not fair to deny YOU the joy of showing off your child to your people At Least once a year . She needs to get over it – she has 51 other weeks in the year to brainwash kid to be against your parents
YTA. Your parents are difficult and rude, and apparently intentionally so. It’s totally understandable that your wife doesn’t want the toxicity in her life.
You’re newly married with your first child recently born. You have your own ideas of the responsibilities of having a family are. Your wife’s opinions are clearly not in sync with yours, which is normal. Question is, will you be able to find a way to live in harmony. If you don’t, this will more than likely cause significant stress in your relationship.
OP, time to open your eyes and protect your wife and child from your relatives
You literally said you parents are not easy to deal with and your dad is bitter – why would you put your wife through that.
Support your wife.
YTA. Your first obligation is to your wife and child.
YTA
If you don’t have the spine to stand up to your parents, keep making excuses for their behavior, and expecting your wife to be the one to accept shitty treatment to keep the peace… well… I hope her next husand’s parents will be much better people. Your daughter deserves a stepdad who can actually be a strong male role model.
Were they in every single wedding photo? Not one could be displayed?
your parents sound awful can you take a few of your wedding pics and have your parents photoshopped wearing something appropriate? that would be a nice gesture for your wife
YTA, she clearly doesn’t want a relationship with your parents and you have no right to force it. Your parents disrespected a set boundary (proper wedding attire) and in doing so disrespected both HER and YOU. Why tf would you not have your wife’s back on that? I wouldn’t want to visit someone that disrespected me in such a way on such an important day and frankly if my partner kept pressing it- showing they’re choosing their disrespectful parents over me- they would be an ex with a quickness
YTA. Your parents are unhinged. I don’t understand why YOU want to visit them.
lmao are your parents stunned or something? Like who actually attends a wedding wearing what they did, especially their Sons. I honestly don’t blame your wife, they sound like miserable people, If they want to see their grandchild, they can make the effort to come and visit
NTA… She is, I don’t understand the big deal for one friggen day, mainly because at this rate you will end up divorcing this unreasonable woman anyway. It’s once a year. You have a child now and regardless of how miserable everyone seems to think your family is, its your family and she is a part of it, for now anyway. She can go once a year, and you don’t even have to stay in their home while there. In fact…why don’t you invite them to your home…and yes, whether she likes it or not it is YOUR home also and you are allowed to invite your family. And you’re right, I know a lot of people that dislike their in laws, but they suck it up for a few days here and their for the spouses they love.
My guess is everyone has always tiptoed around your parents even you. You’ve never seen anyone call them out because more then likely they cut your parents out or vice versa your parents cut them for standing up to them.
YTA for thinking your wife is forced to tiptoe also. Or your son. Some people will never tiptoe for others and thats them. You love this woman and should know that by now how this was gunna go. A marriage license doesn’t get you ground to force her into anything she wouldnt want to do. Ever. You need to stop.
Also enough with this forcing small babys to travel bs. If they want to meet the child they will make a conscious effort to travel to you. Cant drive? Fly? Cant fly? Train? Greyhound? They’ll figure it out. And if they don’t. You see where you all fall on their priority list.
YTA. It sounds like she has legitimate concerns with your family’s attitudes, actions and behaviours. They acted and dressed inappropriately at your wedding, they have insulted her and they don’t sound like they are at all pleasant for her to be around. She is completely justified to avoid them and not want to be “trapped” at their home. And it sounds like you haven’t raised a finger to defend her. It’s not on her to endure them to ‘try to get along’ it is on you to support your wife and tell your parents they need to make amends and change their ways, and even then she is not required to forgive them, spend time with them or expose your child to their toxicity.
Yta. No explanation needed. I can’t wait until you get “blindsided” with divorce and she takes your stuff.
Traveling with an infant might be tolerable, if it’s something to look forward to. It’s sounds like your folks are miserable buttholes though. Nobody wants to go hang out with that and it’s all their own fault. You should stop pushing for it. Folks like that have a way of spreading the misery.
YTA. Your parents were awful to her and never apologized and you admit they are jerks. Shockingly she doesn’t want to hang out with them on the holidays, which are supposed to be happy, joyful occasions. What about asking your parents to mend the fence and make the first move?
Also, maybe try meeting in a neutral location on a non-holiday. That way, if they’re jerks to her, she’s not staying in their house and they’re not in her house. She can go back to the hotel. And you’re also not ruining Christmas.
Ultimately if your parents don’t change their behavior, they’re not going to have a relationship with your wife or probably your kid. So think about how to fix that.
wait wait wait- you want your wife to travel 7 hours to visit your family she doesn’t like with a baby on the holidays. Yes YTA. Leave the woman alone- your family doesn’t deserve anything from her.
She sounds like she has made the best decision for her. She should go and tell them what an embarrassment they are
YTA. You are expecting your wife and new baby to take an incredibly long and stressful journey at the worst possible time to travel, to go see people she does not want to see .Once there, she will be stuck staying with your parents , who sound like assholes, a prisoner in an in-Law hell.
YTA.
You maybe feel you have some kind of obligation because they are your parents and you are downplaying it by saying it’s only once a year but even you should not have to deal with rude, toxic, misbehaving adults. What they did at your wedding was also disrespectful to you and you let it go because you are used to it but that’s not right.
Your wife does NOT have to deal with people like that and she has the right to avoid these meetings. She told you so. And traveling with an 8 month old is super difficult for a 7h trip. Even more with a husband like yourself who can’t stand up for his own or hsi family.
YTA your family sounds awful. Stop trying to force your wife to interact with people who are miserable to be around. What do you think that will accomplish?
You’re just kidding, right? YTA
You’re a total asshole! No one should ever have to put themselves in a comfortable situation, especially with people like your parents! I can’t even believe that you’re OK with the thought of exposing your kid to their attitude as it grows up. Just because you were raised with the way your parents are doesn’t mean that it’s normal or that it’s OK. She’s got every right not to want to expose herself to that kind of toxic environment.
I’m going to go easy on you and not say YTA, but you have been conditioned to accept and enable disrespect from your family. So much so you want to recruit your wife into accepting it as well. I’ll never understand partners who knew in advance their soon to be in-laws were unbearable but trudge ahead thinking everything will be sunshine and roses. It really is up to you to stand up to your parents and demand the respect that you and your new family deserve. Good luck with that!
YTA. Why would she spend time and money, struggle travelling with a baby, just to spend time with people who are incredibly rude and disrespectful to her? They obviously don’t even like her. If they really want to see your family, have them make the effort. They should visit you (but stay at a hotel, as I wouldn’t expect your wife to host such rude people).
YTA if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to. Simple as that. You can’t force her.
Also why are you even visiting them? You haven’t said one nice thing about them.
YTA. Your parents sound incredibly difficult and unpleasant. Your wife not visiting them is a consequence of their own poor behavior. If they want to see her and your 8 month old, they can make the 7 hour trip to you (and most definitely stay in a hotel).
YTA
You’re entire post reads as:
All I read is a billion excuses for your parents and harsh accusations against your wife. You’re placing your parents on a pedestal where you are willing to tolerate their crappy behavior for the sake of their presence on your life, however it’s unacceptable for your wife to dish out an appropriate No Contact response? Who did she marry? You or your parents?
It’s a perfectly fine compromise that she offered you go alone. I’m sure she’s had to deal with the baby alone at some point, so you don’t get to use the excuse that it’s difficult. I see no where here your parents have made any attempts to apologize or fix their behavior (both are the bare minimum here).
This is one of those situations where we tell women, you don’t have an inlaws problem, you have a husband problem. Stop worshipping the ground your parents walk on and support the person who you made literal vows to be a life partner towards. A person you want to accept mistreatment at the hands of your parents.
Remember she’s not stopping you from a relationship with them. She’s protecting herself.
>I tried to tell her it is really rude not to at least try to get along and if there is a fight she won’t need to interact with them again but she straight up refuses.
you’re lying. You will continue expecting her to interact with them when there is inevitably another fight.
I think she should make an effort if they’ve made an effort
Did your parents apologize sincerely? They could have said they were sorry they didn’t follow the dress code, this is their normal attire, but they realize it made it seem like they didn’t value the wedding and marriage by not dressing up for it and they apologize for that, and they are indeed happy that you met her and are wishing them the best.
Did they at least send sincere congratulations at the birth of your child? They could have briefly mentioned that they were sorry about some of the choices they made around the wedding, but hope that it can be put to rest, and that everyone can move on and focus on the baby and/or at least given a nice meaningful gift and sincere congratulations and well wishes and shown an interest in the baby
Also, do they always dress like this to any type of event? Or have they dressed appropriately for other weddings in the past? Because it’s really much more of a slap in the face if they never dress like this or never for formal events. A big apology would be needed for that
It would be one thing if they lived across town and she could leave and go home when she wanted, with the excuse that the baby was fussy or something.
But a 7 hour car ride with an infant to spend the holiday trapped with people she finds miserable to be around? No, thank you.
YTA
YTA. You described your parents as “difficult” and highlighted rude behavior. Just because they’re related to you doesn’t mean she has to put up with them. She already said she won’t interact with them. It’s not her problem that you didn’t take her at her word.
YTA – You should be backing your wife up the way you are your self describing asshole of a father. Just because youre used to his behavior doesn’t mean your wife needs to be.
Grow up and stand up to daddy.
Your father running his mouth is a real problem: what about a compromise like the family travels together to this other town, stays in a hotel (not in-laws home). OP takes kid to show his parents, new mom doesn’t need to be exposed to endless criticism. She is free to nap, read a book, do whatever looks like self care for her. Personal trainer to prep for ski season?
If your parents burned bridges with their mouths you will be lucky to get her on board with this compromise.
YTA. You know your Dad is horrendous and your mom doesn’t bother to make things better. If you want to see them, they can visit, stay in a hotel and you can take the baby to meet them. You could also tell your parents, specifically your Dad that they’ve been rude to your wife which neither of you will accept. So if your wife is willing they get one dinner out to apologize and show they can be civil and if that works, maybe they’d see all of you more frequently. But I doubt it because your parents have made zero effort to fix this.
Traveling with an infant is hard even when it’s some place you want to go so you can be around people you love, who love you and haven’t tried to actively make you miserable. It’s damn near impossible when you don’t want to go there and the people you’re around are miserable, sad sacks.
If you want to go, go. Don’t expect your wife to.
Oh YTA, and sound like you need a good therapist to work out that dynamic worth your parents. They are openly and repeatedly disrespectful. Of course she doesn’t want to deal with them any more, and she shouldn’t have to. It’s your job to deal with your parents but instead of asking so you want her to suck it up? No.
You have an easy out here, to start setting actual boundries. You could tell them you aren’t going to travel long distances with a nursing infant during flu season (assuming it is where you live). Then at some point you need to have a discussion about their behavior. There’s no reason your wife, and likely later your child, should be taking shrapnel because you won’t stand up to mom and dad.
YTA
Your responsibility is to support your WIFE, not cater to the people who totally disrespected her at her wedding nor does she like now.
“That is just how they are” is a BS excuse of you putting them first.
You will destroy your marriage if you continue to push her to interact/visit them. Just accept you will have to visit them alone going forward.
Taking a breastfeeding infant that far for that long away from their mother is a recipe for disaster. Your wife may not want her child exposed to them as they get older, so you will need to come to terms with that and try to make a compromise that does not involve your wife being forced into a relationship she does not wish to foster.
Be a husband…not a son.
YTA
You admit that your parents are not easy to be around yet you want to force your wife who has an 8 month old to tolerate them? Just because you refused to grow up and put your foot down regarding your parents behaviour and attitude, doesn’t mean she has to just because she’s married to you. And if your parents have spoken ill of your wife before, even if it wasn’t directly to her, there are definitely other things they’ve said about her or done to her that she is aware of and that you do not know, it means the wedding stunt they pulled was the last straw for her and you’re the asshole for 1. Not standing up for her, 2. Not generally standing up to your parents and 3. Trying to force them on her.
INFO: What steps have your parents taken to try to get along with your wife? Why do you think a fight is so likely that you are already telling her she can ignore them afterwards?
It sounds like you’ve kind of thrown her to the wolves and would like to do so again.