My [25M] girlfriend [23F] always tells me things that are super supportive. I was having a rough week at work, and she told me we could skip meeting so I could focus on work. Later, she made a whole fuss about it, which eventually led me to waste more time.
She asked me to go to my hometown to take care of my parents. She was very supportive and told me to go for a few weeks. However, after one week, she started asking me when I’d be back and saying she misses me. Then she started saying things like, “You don’t miss me; otherwise, you would’ve been back.” And also started getting angry and irritated at me. I booked tickets to return after the second week. Once she knew I had booked the tickets, she was again super supportive and said if there was stress at home, maybe I should stay longer. (This new stress came up later, but I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t booked the ticket, she would have kept bombarding me with “miss you” texts and irritation.)
There are several other instances. These are just tip of iceberg.
Now again, she’s being very supportive about my prep to switch jobs. She constantly tells me to spend less time with her, but I just can’t trust her. At the same time, I wonder—maybe she’s changed? But what if not? Will I end up in another mental battle? I feel so fucked up and confused all the time.
TL;DR
My gf is always very supportive on paper and ask me to do things like focusing on work during rough time at work however when I do the exact same thing she asks me to do, she makes me a devil and we ended up fighting. I am again in a situation like this and it really feels she is trying to be supportive but I just cannot trust her. Is this another trap ? I am jot sure but if it is i don’t have the mental bandwidth to fight. What shall I do ?
Comments
This is a pattern, not a one-off thing.
So you know that this is who she is. And this is who she is because this is who she chooses to be. Which means that this is who she is going to remain.
So the question you need to answer for yourself is:
“Can I build a future for myself that is fulfilling, and satisfying, and meets all of my needs…a future that I want to live in, while remaining with a person who treats me like this, and always will?”
I think you and I both know the answer to that.
The door’s over there.
Have you discussed this pattern with her? You should talk about it on a good day, in the middle of a fight when she or you are worked up is not a good time for productive conversation.
It sounds like she has good intentions, she wants to support you in what you need and want to do, but at the same time has some difficulty in regulating her emotions when you’re away from her so she flies of the handle.
She might not quite register how badly it affects you if she’s getting too caught up in her feelings and whatever’s going on in her head.
I am currently struggling with this same type of behavior. I have been learning that this is emotional abuse. It’s is so exhausting. I don’t have the most sage advice for you right now because I’m also in it still, but I’m at the stage where I am trying to get out of my relationship, with this being a huge factor. It eats away at your independence and sense of self. It only gets worse. Speak of the devil….. I literally got the “miss me?” Text as i am typing this. I placed boundaries that I need him to not text me so much and call me at work and make me feel bad for not answering him back right away yet he still continues to cross these boundaries even when he promised me he understands and respects me. He even goes to the level of thinking I’m cheating on him because I’m not answering back right away while I’m at work. It’s intense. Let’s both leave this dynamic asap 🙃